Zombies for Zombies: Advice and Etiquette for the Living Dead

274 Pages·2009·4.18 MB·English

by  David P. Murphy

The World’s Bestselling Program for the Recently Bitten

ADVICE AND ETIQUETTE FOR
THE LIVING DEAD
By Your Host
David P. Murphy
Illustrations by Daniel Heard
Copyright © 2009 by David P. Murphy
Cover and internal design © 2009 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Daniel Heard
Cover illustrations and internal illustrations © 2009 by Daniel Heard
Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by
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systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or
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All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered
trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not
associated with any product or vendor in this book.
Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Murphy, David P.
Zombies for zombies : advice and etiquette for the living dead / David P.
Murphy.
p. cm.
1. Zombies—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.Z65M87 2009
814’.6--dc22
2009013968
Printed and bound in the United States of America.
CHG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
TabLe of conTenTs
Acknowledgments .............................................................................v
Foreword by Dr. Kenneth Beaker ......................................................ix
Introduction ...................................................................................xiii
Chapter 1. Who Moved My Brains?: The Provo Virus
and YOU! .....................................................................................1
Chapter 2. The 14 Habits of Highly Effective Zombies:
Etiquette and Behavior .................................................................27
Chapter 3. The Courage to Medicate: Your
Pharmaceutical Options ..............................................................43
Interlude: Tales from the Horde: Terror at Lake Romney ....................57
Chapter 4. You Are Who You Eat ....................................................67
Chapter 5. ReBoot Camp: Exercise and YOU ...................................83
Chapter 6. You CAN Heal Your Post-Life: Care and Grooming .........97
Interlude: Welcome to Scarlet Shores! ............................................108
Chapter 7. Change Your Clothes, Change Your Post-Life:
America’s Next Top Zombie ......................................................113
Chapter 8. The Koma Sutra: Wake Up Your Sex Life! .....................127
Chapter 9. What Color Is Your Unitard?: The Dead Can
Kinda Dance! ............................................................................145
Interlude: Tales from the Horde: Black Meat ....................................159
Chapter 10. Tao Te Cha-Ching!: A Wealth of Spirituality
in the Post-Life...........................................................................167
Chapter 11. The Road Less Shambled: Get On With the Future ......179
Chapter 12. Brain Soup for the Soul: Gut-Warming Tales
of Success ..................................................................................197
Post Mortem .................................................................................209
Appendix A: Recipes! ....................................................................217
Appendix B: Recommended Viewing ..............................................229
Appendix C: Nonrecommended Viewing ........................................235
About the Author ..........................................................................241
About the Illustrator ......................................................................243
acknowLeDgmenTs
To Mom and Dad: for always allowing me to be my goofball self.
To Bill and Bethie: for teaching me how to make fun of the world.
To Cindy and Dylan: for any number of perfectly good, loving reasons.
Daniel Heard: my eternal thanks. You truly helped bring this book to,
uhhhhhh, life. You’re an amazing talent and a helluva co-host!
Laurie Fox: more gratitude than you’ll ever know. I wouldn’t have had
this opportunity if not for your belief and tenacity. You’re a peach of the
highest order, a true inspiration and friend.
Thanks also go to Linda and Gary at the Linda Chester Agency.
Peter Lynch: thank you so much for a smooth and completely pain-free
experience. Your enthusiasm for this project has meant a lot to me (but
concerns me nonetheless). And thanks to Carrie and everyone else at
Sourcebooks for all of their efforts.
Dr. Theodore Anfinson: so very kind of you to help in the medical realm.
You’re as astute, brilliant, and hilarious as ever.
To my friends, for their support and comic abuse over the years: Henry,
Pat and the kids, Curt and Meg, Mitchel and Marisol, Scott and Donna,
Tom and Heather, Queenie, BobbaGutz, Joannie, Sheila, Charlotte and
John, Faye, Peter and Pamela, Anita, Rhonda and Rick, NenaGutz,
Samarama, Barb and John, Waggs, Julia, Dee, Justin Heard, Wingy,
Tony M., Jenn Dorn, Scottie, Keifsk, the Milone tribe, MichaelGutz,
Marla, Frances, Karyl, Kerry, Casey, Michael and Jennifer, the Great
Ether, Gung, Diane, the Morins, and everyone else who ever bought into
my hairbrained schemes.
And, of course, to every zombie and post-lifer everywhere: this world
is a little more beautiful and a lot more sluggish with you in it.
Mmmmmmwah!
All the people like us are we, and everyone else is They.
—Rudyard Kipling
I said to a bartender, “Make me a zombie.”
He said, “God beat me to it.”
—Rodney Dangerfield

foreworD
by Dr. kenneTh beaker
I’ve been told there’s a recommendation of some sort regarding the reader
getting through this book in roughly seventy-two hours. So perhaps
it would be best for all concerned if I make my comments as brief as
possible. This does not, however, indicate any lack of appreciation on my
part for ZOMBIES FOR ZOMBIES™; the book and program have been,
shall we say, rewarding.