You're a Horrible Person, but I Like You

189 Pages·2010·0.77 MB·English

by  The Believer

About The Believer magazine
The Believer is a magazine offering essays, interviews, reviews, and
advice, the latter of which appears in the form of a monthly column
called “Sedaratives.” The Sedaratives column, which started in May
2005 with advice by Amy Sedaris, gave rise to this book.
About the Editor
Eric Spitznagel is a contributing editor for The Believer magazine, where
he cocreated (along with Amy Sedaris) the Sedaratives column. He’s also
the author of six books and a frequent contributor to Playboy and Vanity
Fair. He has one more testicle than Hitler, which he considers a moral
victory.

Contents
INTRODUCTION BY DAVID CROSS
AZIZ ANSARI
JUDD APATOW
FRED ARMISEN
MARIA BAMFORD
TODD BARRY
SAMANTHA BEE
MICHAEL IAN BLACK AND MICHAEL SHOWALTER
ANDY BOROWITZ
MICHAEL CERA
VERNON CHATMAN AND JOHN LEE
ROB CORDDRY
LARRY DOYLE
PAUL FEIG
JIM GAFFIGAN
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
JANEANE GAROFALO
DANIEL HANDLER
TODD HANSON
TIM HEIDECKER AND ERIC WAREHEIM
ED HELMS
BUCK HENRY
MINDY KALING
THOMAS LENNON
AL MADRIGAL
AASIF MANDVI
MARC MARON
ADAM MCKAY
EUGENE MIRMAN
MORGAN MURPHY
BOB ODENKIRK
JOHN OLIVER
PATTON OSWALT
MARTHA PLIMPTON
HAROLD RAMIS
AMY SEDARIS
SARAH SILVERMAN
PAUL F. TOMPKINS
SARAH VOWELL
DAVID WAIN
RAINN WILSON
LIZZ WINSTEAD
THE HORRIBLE PEOPLE
Introduction
Dear David Cross:
We’re thinking about publishing a book of advice. It would involve getting a
bunch of our favorite comedians and writers and actors (and whoever else is
available) to answer questions on a variety of topics, particularly those in
which they have very little knowledge or experience. Does this seem like a
good idea?
Best,
The Believer magazine
San Francisco, CA
Dear The Believer magazine:
Unfortunately, I cannot answer your impertinent question with a simple
“Sure” or “Ha-ha! Wait, you’re not serious, are you?” answer. I’m afraid
this will take a great deal of thought and therefore time. I’m not sure
that I have that time to give. I am currently in the middle of Doodle City:
Legend of Kylarath, and I am very close to getting an upgrade for my
Shield of the Ancients and the magic grapes from the Innkeeper. I don’t
know that I can or want to help you. But … a deal is a deal, yes?
What you have done for me is unforgivable. Sorry, Freudian slip.
Unforgettable is what I meant. Okay then, let’s do this. I will need to take
off the next three weeks from work. (I am a life coach for Jack Welch.)
Given that, I am booking a flight now to Upper Mongolia, where I can
meditate on the answer unmolested by technology or beauty.
There. I have booked it. Computers!!
The flight leaves tonight from Newark. It is costly and I am sitting in
the back row just across from the toilet. I have been told to bring my
own snacks, as none will be provided. I booked it on Orbitz.com less
than five minutes ago and have already received four spam e-mails from
them. No, I do not want to save up to 35 percent on a flight/hotel
package to Disney World.
Before I leave for the airport, let me just ask this: Why? Is this book
really necessary? Will it help? Or will it hurt? I mean really hurt, like ten
waterboardings and an Indian burn on your penis and/or vulva? Have
you given that any thought? What about animals? Are they being
considered? Especially cute otters? What about the people of Southeast
Asia? And why now? How come not in a couple of weeks? I don’t
understand. I especially don’t understand why I am going on this long,
involved, inconvenient trip. I could’ve just taken a bath. Oh well, the
ticket has been paid for and is waiting in webspace. If nothing else, I
should lose a couple of pounds from the dysentery.
I’m going to take a quick nap and poo before the flight. Later, skater!
(A short while later.)
Well, I am now at the gate and there has been a slight delay due to a
military coup that took place earlier this evening in one of the cities we
were supposed to stop in on the way. It was in the fictional town of
Khurgiztisk. Hashna Hoti was thrown out of office and replaced by his
brother Adnan, a high-ranking wizard in World of Warcraft. I am quickly
losing power in my iPod as well. But that’s okay; I brought along some
mix tapes. I’m going to give them to the pilot to stick in the stereo once
we level off and attain our cruising altitude. It’s mostly Bikini Kill and
early Faust. Oh, hang on.
(An indeterminate number of days later.)
Great! The coup failed and we are cleared for takeoff. Adnan hoti was
killed in the public square by children and wolves. Thank the gods! I can
now eat those salt-and-vinegar pork rinds I found. The new leader is
Grzk Usbghg, a donkey groomer from the early 1900s.
(One flight later.)
I am now back in America and feel well rested if nothing else. You had
asked me something earlier before I left the country. What was it?
Something about your doing a book of “advice”? Well, before I can
answer you, I need to ask a few questions.
1. Will this be a “for-profit” book, or will all monies collected be sent
to charity, specifically the International Association for Blinds and
Deafs?
2. Will it be “funny”? And if so, will it be smugly absurd or absurdly
smug?
3. Who played shortstop for the Atlanta Braves after Rafael Ramírez?
4. Will this be the kind of book I can find and purchase at the airport
or will I have to go to a scary anarchist’s underground bunker to find it?
5. Will I receive credit toward junior college for this?
6. I believe that five questions are enough. But not more than enough.
That would be six questions.
7. Please see question number 6.
Until I receive a satisfactory reply to the above, I’m afraid I can’t help
you.
Anxiously awaiting your reply (not
really),
David Cross
Aziz Ansari
Dear Aziz:
My best friend recently asked if my wife is a beard. I don’t understand the
question. Is he luring me into a game of absurdist improv? Should I respond
with “No, she’s a teapot. Is your wife a Persian rug?”
R. Hayes
Bakersfield, CA
Dear R. Hayes:
Your playful back-and-forth makes it very clear. You should respond
with “Brian, I love you and I want to leave my wife.” Hide your true
feelings no more.
Aziz
…
Dear Aziz:
I just saw my grandma’s tattoos. Suddenly I don’t want tattoos anymore.
(That was the saddest-looking unicorn I’ve ever seen.) Is there a way of
getting rid of a tramp stamp without expensive surgery?
Mikayla
Mississauga, ON, Canada
Dear Mikayla:
Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. The best thing to do is to get
tattoos that age well. Perhaps a tattoo of a young Michael Caine, which
will age gracefully into a tattoo of an older Michael Caine. Another
option is to get a huge arrow tattooed on your back. Have it point to the
tat, and at the top write, “I really regret this and I promise I’m not a
whore.”
Aziz
…