Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, Revised Edition: How the Words You Choose Shape Your Destiny

223 Pages·2019·1.71 MB·English

by  Joseph Telushkin

Dedication
For Shlomo Telushkin
of blessed memory, and
Bernard “Bernie” Resnick
of blessed memory

My father and my uncle:
two men of golden tongues and golden hearts,
whose words healed all who knew them
Epigraph
An old Jewish teaching compares the tongue to an arrow. “Why not another weapon, a sword, for
example?” one rabbi asks. “Because,”
he is told, “if a man unsheathes his sword to kill his friend, and his
friend pleads with him and begs for mercy, the man
may be mollified and return the sword to its scabbard. But an arrow,
once it is shot, cannot be returned.”
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Part One: The Power of Words to Hurt
Introduction: The Twenty-Four-Hour Test
Chapter 1: The (Insufficiently Recognized) Power of Words
to Hurt
Part Two: How We Speak About Others
Chapter 2: The Irrevocable Damage Inflicted by Gossip
Chapter 3: The Lure of Gossip
Chapter 4: Is It Ever Appropriate to Reveal Humiliating or
Harmful Information About Another?
Chapter 5: Privacy and Public Figures
Part Three: How We Speak to Others
Chapter 6: Controlling Rage and Anger
Chapter 7: Fighting Fairly
Chapter 8: How to Criticize and How to Accept Rebuke
Chapter 9: Between Parents and Children
Chapter 10: The Cost of Public Humiliation
Chapter 11: Is Lying Always Wrong?
Chapter 12: Not Everything That Is Thought Should Be Said
Part Four: The Power of Words to Heal
Chapter 13: Words That Heal—and the Single Most
Important Thing to Know About Them
Part Five: What Do You Do Now? Making These Practices Part
of Your Life
Chapter 14: Incorporating the Principles of Ethical Speech
into Daily Life
Chapter 15: Where Heaven and Earth Touch: A National
“Speak No Evil Day”
Acknowledgments for the 2019 Edition
Acknowledgments for the Original 1996 Edition
Appendix: Text of Senate Resolution to Establish a National
“Speak No Evil Day”
Notes
Index
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
Part One
The Power of Words to Hurt
Introduction: The Twenty-Four-Hour
Test
I
n recent years, whenever I have lectured throughout the country on “Words
That Hurt, Words That Heal: How the Words You Choose Shape Your Destiny,”
I’ve asked my listeners if they can go for twenty-four hours without saying any
unkind words about, or to, anybody.
Invariably, a minority raise their hands signifying yes, some people laugh, and
quite a large number call out, “No!”
“All of you who can’t answer yes,” I respond, “must recognize how serious a
problem you have. Because if I asked you to go for twenty-four hours without
drinking liquor, and you said, ‘I can’t do that,’ I’d tell you, ‘Then you must
recognize that you’re an alcoholic.’ And if I asked you to go for twenty-four
hours without smoking a cigarette, or drinking coffee, and you said, ‘That’s
impossible,’ that would mean that you’re addicted to nicotine or caffeine.
Similarly, if you can’t go for twenty-four hours without saying unkind words
about or to others, then you’ve lost control over your tongue.”
At this point, I almost always encounter the same objection: “How can you
compare the harm done by a bit of gossip or a few unpleasant words to the
damage caused by alcohol and smoking or coffee?”
Is my point overstated? Think about your own life: unless you, or someone
dear to you, have been the victim of terrible physical violence, chances are that
the worst pains you have suffered in life have come from words used cruelly—
from ego-destroying criticism, excessive anger, sarcasm, public and private
humiliation, hurtful nicknames, betrayal of secrets, rumors, and malicious
gossip.
Yet, wounded as many of us have been by unfairly spoken words, when
Yet, wounded as many of us have been by unfairly spoken words, when
you’re with friends and the conversation turns to people not present, what
aspects of their lives are you and your companions most likely to explore? Is it
not their character flaws and the intimate details of their social lives—precisely
those aspects of your own life that you would not like to hear others talking
about?
If you don’t participate in such talk, congratulations. But before you assert this
as a definite fact, monitor yourself over the next twenty-four hours. Note on a
piece of paper every time you say something negative about someone who is not
present (without noting what was said—that would be too time-consuming).
Also record when others do so too, as well as your reactions to their words when
that happens. Do you try to silence the speaker, or do you ask for more details?
To ensure the test’s accuracy, make no effort to change the contents of your
conversations throughout the next day, and don’t try to be kinder than usual in
assessing others’ character and actions. (Note your kind comments as well, but
don’t go out of your way to increase them during this test period.)
Most of us who take this test are unpleasantly surprised.
Our negative comments about those who are absent is but one way we wound
with words; we also often cruelly hurt those to whom we are speaking.1 For
example, many of us, when enraged, grossly exaggerate the wrong done by the
person who has provoked our ire. The anger we express that is disproportionate
to the provocation (as often occurs when parents rage at children) is unfair, often
inflicts great hurt and damage, and thus is unethical. How many of you have
endured excessive outbursts of rage from another person? Similarly, many of us
criticize others with harsh and offensive words or are unable to have a
disagreement without provoking a quarrel. Some of us are prone to belittling or
humiliating other people, even in public. Because the damage inflicted by public
humiliation can be devastating (as noted later, it has even led to suicides), Jewish
law questions whether anyone guilty of this offense can ever fully repent.
Hurtful speech can, of course, be far less extreme. Have you ever muttered a
sarcastic comment that made the person to whom you were speaking feel
demeaned or foolish?
Many otherwise “good” people often use words irresponsibly and cruelly in
part because they regard the injuries inflicted by words as intangible, and
therefore they minimize the damage words can inflict. Thus, for generations,
children taunted by playmates have been taught to respond, “Sticks and stones
may break my bones, but words [or names] will never hurt me.”2 In our hearts,
we all know that this saying is untrue. Even the child who chants “sticks and
stones” knows that words and names do hurt him or her. The statement usually is