Table Of ContentWomen’s Infidelity
LIVING IN LIMBO
What women really mean
when they say,
“I’m not happy”
Michelle Langley
McCarlan Publishing
P.O. Box 190424
St. Louis Mo 63119
Library of Congress Control Number: 2005924375
ISBN 0-9767726-0-4
Copyright © 2005, Michelle Langley
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, me-
chanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise, without prior written permission
from (name of publisher), with the exception of short excerpts used with ac-
knowledgment of publisher and author.
Excerpts from The Alchemy of Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw, copyright © 1996,
The Crenshaw Writing Company, Inc., used by permission of G. P. Putnam’s Sons,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Excerpts from Divorced Dads by Sanford
L. Braver and Diane O’Connell, copyright © 1998, used by permission of Jeremy
P. Tarcher, an imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Excerpts from Craving for
Ecstasy by Harvey B. Milkman and Stanley G. Sunderwirth, copyright © 1987 by
Jossey-Bass Inc. reprinted with permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Permission
granted by NBC to reprint transcripts from “Meet The Press,” © 2005 NBC
Universal, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
Editing and book design by Dianne Schilling
Cover design: Christine Thorwegen
Printed in the USA
For Craig Langley,
with all of my love—then, now and always.
For my Mother,
whom I loved more than words can say.
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Acknowledgments
I owe a special debt of gratitude to my friend, Emily Boling, for
being so helpful with this project. I appreciate all of the work she
did and truly treasure her friendship. I also want to thank my friend,
Carl Boyer, for helping me with the manuscript and for enriching
my life in so many ways.
Heartfelt thanks to my friend, Stacey Brockus, for her never-
ending support and encouragement. She has truly been an inspi-
ration in my life. I would also like to express my sincere gratitude
to my friend, Michele Brown, whom I appreciate more than words
can say. This book would not have been possible without her. I am
also grateful to her mother, Shirley Brown, who always makes me
feel like part of the family.
Special thanks to Carolyn Carter for her help during the early
stages of editing. She is a talented and gifted writer and I not only
appreciate her help, I feel blessed to have her as a friend.
I want to thank Alan Clay for believing in me. I would never
have typed a word had it not been for him. Thanks also to Harley
Blosser for his much appreciated help and legal advice. And I want
to acknowledge and thank Beth Mendes-Reynolds, whose extraor-
dinary ability to lead and inspire I will always remember.
I would also like to thank Suzanne Fadin, Renay Jones, Ryan
Nielson, Sherry Rhea, Nancy Tucker, Ryan Williams, and Tara Rose-
Willis for their friendship and for all the joy they bring to my life.
A big thanks to my editor, Dianne Shilling. I found her honesty
and directness in evaluating my work not only challenging, but
inspiring. I can’t say that without her there wouldn’t have been a
book, but I can say it probably wouldn’t have been a very good
one. Barbara was right, she is the best! Also, a special thanks to
Christine Thorwegen for designing my cover. Her talent and cre-
ativity are greatly appreciated.
Particular thanks go to Daniel Padilla for helping to sharpen
my memory during the final stages of the book. Special mention
and thanks also go to Mike Smith.
Finally and most importantly I’d like to thank all of the women
and men who shared their stories with me. This book would not
have been possible without them.
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Contents
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix
Chapter 1
Are Women Naturally Monogamous? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
The stages of sexual desire women often experience after marriage
Chapter 2
The Sexual Devaluing System . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Vaginal girls versus clitoral girls; The role of secrecy in female sexuality
Chapter 3
The Loss of Sexual Desire in Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Is she really uninterested in sex, or is she just uninterested in sex with me?
Chapter 4
The Commitment Game: Female Version of Pursue and Discard. . . 63
The female crisis; What do women really want sexually?
Chapter 5
The Allure of Affairs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .81
Is it love or a crack high?
Chapter 6
Why Women Find Affair Sex Particularly Appealing . . . . . . . . . . . .91
Does it take more than one man to please a woman sexually?
What is the cause of men’s fear and denial?
Chapter 7
Women Aren’t Just Angry, They Want Revenge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119
Do women today want men to pay for the sins of the past?
Chapter 8
Men Send Flowers, But Women Who Cheat Give Oral Sex . . . . . . 133
Tag: How women keep their husbands hanging on
Chapter 9
Women and Guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
How women end up destroying their husbands emotionally
because they don’t want to hurt their feelings
Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .183
About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .187
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Introduction
Is infidelity women’s best kept secret? Given that women ini-
tiate approximately 70 to 75 percent of all divorces, is this secret
the catalyst that prompts them to pursue separations and divorces,
many under the guise of “searching for self?” How many women
who have had affairs were happily married prior to their affairs?
Are men being divorced by their wives without ever knowing about
their wives’ extramarital relationships? Women’s Infidelity discusses
these and other wide-ranging, but interrelated, topics that help
explain the difficulty women have with marriage and long-term
fidelity.
Women’s Infidelity also discusses society’s continuing fear of
women’s sexuality as well as the myth that women are naturally
monogamous and not inclined to desire multiple sexual partners.
It is my opinion that women’s lack of knowledge about their natu-
ral sexual impulses makes them much more likely than men to
leave their marriages due to their sexual attractions and affairs.
Women’s Infidelity will provide great insight and understand-
ing to women who are secretly trying to choose between their
husbands and their lovers, as well as men who are desperately
trying to find the source of their wives’ unhappiness.
I am not a physician or a psychologist. I began an indepen-
dent inquiry into women’s sexuality after my interest was sparked
by a series of unrelated incidents. First, I discovered that two women
I had known for years—both happily married—were having af-
fairs. Then, a few weeks later, I had a particularly intriguing con-
versation with a complete stranger.
I had taken my car to a dealership for servicing. While I was
sitting in an outdoor waiting area, a young female employee ex-
ited the building for a cigarette break. She appeared to be rather
upset, so I asked her what was wrong. We ended up talking through
her entire lunch hour. She said that she had been married for five
years, but since the birth of her child had lost interest in having
sex, so her husband wanted a divorce. She didn’t seem to be both-
ered by disclosing such personal information so I asked her a ques-
tion that under different circumstances might have been offensive.
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“Does your disinterest in sex apply only to your husband?” I
asked. She was surprised by my question, but began to describe
her feelings. She explained that she was attracted to lots of men,
even men she wouldn’t normally find appealing. Sex with almost
any man except her husband at times seemed desirable.
I began my research not long after that fateful conversation. I
wanted to know if this woman’s experiences—and my own—were
normal. What the woman at the car dealership described sounded
identical to what I was going through, except that I had no chil-
dren.
Initially, I looked for answers in books. I also made several
naive attempts to question female friends and family members.
Their stonewalling fueled my interest further. I began to seek out
and interview women wherever I went. Surprisingly, it wasn’t dif-
ficult to get women to talk about their sexual desires and infideli-
ties as long as no one else was present and they were assured
anonymity. I interviewed some women only once; others I kept in
contact with for years.
I interviewed men as well. Many were eager to talk about their
marital difficulties. Eventually I was spending several hours a week
in lengthy conversations with individuals, explaining the informa-
tion I had gathered. By the time I stopped counting I had inter-
viewed 123 women and 72 men.
The women and men I interviewed had varying socioeconomic
backgrounds. The majority lived in the Midwest. However, 17 of
those interviewed lived on either the east or west coast. Six of
those interviewed were from different countries and only recently
moved to the United States. Five were from the Middle East and
one was from Africa.
The interviews were not always identical in regard to the ques-
tions asked. However, four questions were posed to every woman:
Are you interested in having sex with your husband? Do you enjoy
having sex with your husband? Do you think about or want to
have sex with someone other than your husband? Have you had
sex with someone other than your husband?
Several years into my research, I was able to identify distinc-
tive patterns and behaviors in the women I interviewed. I catego
