Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity

310 Pages·2022·2.16 MB·English

by  Kopano Ratele

Why Men Hurt Women and
Other Reflections on Love,
Violence and Masculinity

Why Men Hurt Women and
Other Reflections on Love,
Violence and Masculinity
Kopano Ratele
Published in South Africa by:
Wits University Press
1 Jan Smuts Avenue
Johannesburg 2001
www.witspress.co.za
Copyright © Kopano Ratele 2022
Published edition © Wits University Press 2022
First published 2022
http://dx.doi.org.10.18772/12022097632
978-1-77614-763-2 (Paperback)
978-1-77614-764-9 (Hardback)
978-1-77614-765-6 (Web PDF)
978-1-77614-766-3 (EPUB)
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher, except in accordance
with the provisions of the Copyright Act, Act 98 of 1978.
This publication is peer reviewed following international best practice standards for academic
and scholarly books.
The financial assistance of the National Institute for the Humanities and Social Sciences
(NIHSS) towards this publication is hereby acknowledged. Opinions expressed and those
arrived at are those of the author and should not necessarily be attributed to the NIHSS.
Project manager: Lisa Compton
Copyeditor: Karen Press
Proofreader: Alison Lockhart
Indexer: Sanet le Roux
Cover design: Hybrid Creative
Typeset in 11.5 point Crimson
Contents
Foreword by Raewyn Connell ix
Part 1 Love 1
1 Why do women love men? 3
2 A double movement outward toward others
and inward into the self 16
3 Love needs 22
4 We can change how we love, but not without changing
how we fight 40
5 Love hunger shows itself in many acts, and violence
may be one of them 50
6 Why there is no love in the Plan 56
7 I love you, but I wish to hurt you 63
8 To love is to receive and to give 71
9 Talking matters 75
10 Listening carefully is an articulate act of love in action 81
11 Why does love hurt? 83
12 The world is not yet ready for loving boys 88
13 Producing and embodying the loving images we
want of ourselves 91
14 If women stopped caring for men 94
Part 2 Violence 95
15 ‘I am more scared of them’ 97
16 Men who speak with fists 100
17 Violence wears many faces 103
18 ‘Brothers, check yourselves!’ 108
19 Don’t 118
20 Why is there violence where we expect to find love? 119
21 Really nice guys 127
22 ‘There was nothing suspicious about him’ 132
23 They don’t teach about sexual consent at
university or at home 141
24 Jeanne and Emmanuel 148
25 Is the lesbian an alibi for an untenable model of masculinity? 157
26 Will we reduce rates of rape of women and children
when we cannot face prison rape? 159
Part 3 Masculinity 167
27 Trying to transform men is not a futile exercise,
but it is slow and difficult work 169
28 A few key ideas to consider when thinking about
men and changing masculinity 179
29 The politician told students you can’t ask for money
from somebody who raped you 185
30 ‘Dad, look at me’ 191
31 ‘I have never hit a woman’ gets you no loving man award 194
32 Before death, before conception, in the many in-between
moments, then repeat 198
33 Baldwin was a full man 203
34 The masculinity of a man who is a boy 205
35 Mr President, end patriarchy? 210
36 When work gets in the way of emotional connections 219
37 Love cannot escape power 223
38 What’s up with all this attention given to boys? 227
39 Without showing boys how to love, how will they
become loving men? 234
40 Inheriting and passing down a loving masculinity 243
Acknowledgements 249
Notes 251
Bibliography 274
Index 291

Foreword
Raewyn Connell
This is a remarkable book: troubling, moving and inspiring. It’s a linked
set of short narratives and essays, across a surprising range of topics:
from a kids’ football game in the street to rape myths, to the militarisation
of police services. All are connected to the three great themes of love, vio-
lence and masculinity, and their paradoxical relationship.
The book works at several levels. Kopano talks about the emotions
and uncertainties of relationship, with stories from his own life and work.
He thinks aloud about the practicalities of feminist work, anti-racism and
men’s engagement in ending men’s violence. At the same time he speaks
of capitalism, corruption and economic inequality, colonisation and rac-
ism, and the patriarchal structures that oppress women and girls – but also
damage the lives of men and boys.
This is a South African book, by an important South African public
intellectual. Kopano grew up, as many others did, in an ‘unforgiving envi-
ronment’. He speaks of what he knows: the toxic racism of the apartheid
regime, the massive economic inequalities that persist decades later, the
terrifying levels of rape and murder that make South Africa one of the
most dangerous countries for women and for men too. This gives urgency
to his arguments. This is a discussion from which people everywhere can
learn, for there is no place on earth that has yet achieved gender equality
and social peace. Masculinities that are organised around power are found
in every part of the world.
Reading through Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love,
Violence and Masculinity, I kept finding moments of insight that would
ix