Why Girls Can't Throw: ...and Other Questions You Always Wanted Answered

191 Pages·2006·11.34 MB·English

by  Mitchell Symons

Why Girls
Can’t Throw
. . . and Other Questions You
Always Wanted Answered
M I T C H E L L S Y M O N S

Contents
Introduction v
Why Girls Can’t Throw 1
About the Author
Other Books by Mitchell Symons
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher

INTRODUCTION

Blame it on my father. He was a great bloke and all that, but he
was also one hell of a contrary fellow. He’d contradict anything
anyone said just for the hell of it. He’d even disagree on the
weather, which, let’s face it, is the one thing upon which every-
one always agrees.
Anyway, along with the old man’s bloody gout and his dou-
ble chin, I’ve clearly inherited his predilection for looking at the
flip side of just about everything. So, while the rest of the world
strains to hear the latest news on the perils of smoking, I’m the
one saying, “Yes, but what are the benefits?”
For some time now, I’ve wanted to write a book that
would answer the sort of questions you don’t even find asked
elsewhere—let alone answered.
Obviously, in the interests of eclecticism, I’ve also included
some of the more mundane, workaday questions—what you might
call the curriculum for a book of this type—but even here, I have
at least tried to bring a fresher, less reverent approach to bear.
Still, there’s no disguising the fact that it’s the more esoteric
questions that really grabbed my attention and these are,
inevitably, the ones to which I have devoted the most energy.
vi INTRODUCTION
That’s because I really do need to know whether it’s morally
right or wrong to copy a CD bought for a friend’s birthday, why
the word “bastard” is only ever used as a term of abuse to men,
whether it’s dangerous to suppress a fart, whether you can actu-
ally lose weight by eating celery, whether it’s possible to knock
yourself out using just your own fist, why men don’t use elec-
trolysis to remove their beards, what would happen to airplane
passengers if someone opened the emergency exit while it was
in the air, and, of course, why girls can’t throw.
But I haven’t just been pondering my own queries: friends
and readers of my magazine and newspaper columns have asked
me such posers as, Why do I need a cigarette before I can have
a crap? Is it true that Keith Richards used to get his blood
entirely replaced? Are you better off running or walking through
the rain? Do two wrongs make a right? What’s the kindest way
to tell a friend that he or she has halitosis? Do women who
live/work together menstruate at the same time? Is it cheaper to
send yourself as a parcel to Australia rather than fly on an air-
plane? and What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Where possible, I went to primary sources for the answers.
More often, I’d approach an expert—or, indeed, experts, who
were then, for the sake of narrative flow, amalgamated into a sin-
gle person. My thanks to them all. I also, of course, used my large
library of reference books as well as the Internet (although I
tried to use this to corroborate facts rather than, as is so tempt-
ing, as a tool of first resort).
So I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the
extremely clever people who helped me—intentionally or inad-
vertently (and why don’t we say “advertently”?)—to answer
these extraordinary questions.
Introduction vii
Now, for some even more important acknowledgments. Usu-
ally, to be fair, I do these things in alphabetical order, but it
strikes me that this isn’t particularly fair to people who, like me,
find themselves at the far end of the alphabet. So, first up, I want
to thank my kind and wise editor Doug Young, whose (seem-
ingly) limitless faith in me is appreciated more than I can ever
express. Now that I have thanked the wonderful Doug, the rest
of the key cast members can take their chances in alphabetic
order: Luigi Bonomi, Penny Chorlton, Patrick Janson-Smith,
Jeanette Perez, Mari Roberts, and David Roth-Ey.
In addition, I’d also like to thank the following people for
their help, contributions, and/or support (moral or otherwise):
Gilly Adams, Russell Ash, Jeremy Beadle, Marcus Berkmann,
Paul Donnelley, Chris Ewins, Jonathan Fingerhut, Jenny Garri-
son, Sam Jones, Keith Kendrick, Richard Littlejohn, Kirsty
MacArthur, Tricia Martin, Emanuel Mond, William Mulcahy,
Rex Newman, Chris Pilbeam, Nicholas Ridge, Charlie Symons,
Jack Symons, Louise Symons, David Thomas, Martin Townsend,
Katrina Whone, and Rob Woolley.
If I’ve missed anyone, then please know that—as with any
mistakes in the book—it’s entirely due to my own stupidity.
Mitchell Symons
[email protected]