Where Do Nudists Keep Their Hankies?: ... and Other Naughty Questions You Always Wanted Answered

290 Pages·2007·1.21 MB·English

by  Mitchell Symons

Where Do
Nudists
Keep Their
Hankies?
. . . and Other Naughty Questions
You Always Wanted Answered
a

Mitchell Symons
To Penny, Jack, and Charlie
with all my love
Contents
Introduction 1
You Like to Do What? 5
What Do Men Really Want? 12
What Do Women Really Want? 13
Is It Different for Men? 18
Do Gays Talk Like Gays Because They’re Gays or Do
They Become Gays Because They Talk Like Gays? 22
What’s the Origin of the “F” Word? 25
Why Did People Think That Masturbation Made You Blind? 27
Is Bestiality Immoral? 32
Can Open Marriages Work? 35
If I Decide to Become a Slave to a Dominatrix,
Who Pays Whom? 40
We Know That Men Become Women but Do Any Women
Become Men? 43
…and Following on from That: When a Lesbian Has a
Sex-Change Operation to Become a Man, Does Her
Erstwhile Lesbian Partner Cease to Be a Lesbian? 46
Has Any Man Ever Gone to a Prostitute and Found
Someone He Knew? 48
…and Why Do Prostitutes Offer French but Not Danish? 56
Does the Etiquette of Swinging Extend to Asking Your
Buddy’s Wife If She’ll Iron Your Shirt? 58
Why Do Men Fall Asleep after Sex? 61
Is It Possible to “Enlarge Your Penis”? 63
What’s the Best/Worst Pick-Up Line? 67
Is It True That Royals Are Watched by
Flunkies While They Have Sex? 70
No One Wears Chastity Belts Anymore…Do They? 72
What Do They Call a Brazilian Bikini Wax in Brazil? 74
Are the Letters Sent to “Men’s” Magazines Genuine? 77
One in Ten Men? Surely Not? 79
Do Nuns and Priests Have to Be Virgins? 82
What Is the Greatest Male Sexual Lie? 85
What Is the Greatest Female Sexual Lie? 87
Why Is the Most Common Position for Sexual Intercourse
Called the Missionary Position? 88
Are There Any Countries in Which Homosexuality
Is Still Illegal? 90
Premature Ejaculation—Doesn’t It Just Save Time? 91
What’s So Big (and Clever) About Bigamy? 95
Why Do Men—Especially Men in Bars—Assume
That the More Desirable a Woman Is, the More
She’ll Desire Them? 97
Do Celibates Get More Work Done Than the Rest of Us? 99
How Devoted to Watersports Do You Have to Be to Do
It After Eating Asparagus? 102
Why Do Women on HRT Always Look As If They’ve
Just Emerged from a Tanning Parlor? 104
Is It Possible to Die of a Broken Heart? 106
Do Bisexuals—Page Woody Allen—Have Double the
Chance of a Date on a Saturday Night? 109
Do Men Really Think About Sex Every Six Seconds? 114
Can You Get Pregnant If You Have Sex Standing Up? 116
Why Don’t Men Blow? 119
Is Sex a Good Form of Exercise? 123
What Are the Benefits—If Any—Of Swallowing? 125
So All Those Initials—What Do They Stand For? 127
It Really Inadvisable for a Sportsman to Have
Sex Before a Match? 129
Are Any Foods Really Aphrodisiacs? 130
Is Fidelity No Big Deal for Gay Couples? 133
What’s the Most Exotic Love Offering Ever Made? 135
How Old Is Too Old (And When Old Folk Meet Each
Other in an Old Folks Home and Decide to Get
Married, Do They Consummate the Marriage)? 137
How Young Is Too Young 140
Is It True That Orthodox Jews Have to Have Sex
Through a Sheet? 149
Why Is a Red Light Used to Represent Prostitution? 152
Is It True That the Vatican Has the Greatest Collection
of Pornography in the World? 154
In a Threesome, Is There an Etiquette to Deciding
Which Way to Turn? 156
Are There Any Countries That Don’t Restrict Gays
from the Military? 159
Does Sex Cure Acne or Is It Just That Boys Lose Their
Spots at the Same Time as They Lose Their Virginity? 161
Is It Possible for Men to Fake Orgasm? 164
Can a Man Be Raped by a Woman? 166
Is It True That Eskimo Men Lend Their Wives to Strangers? 169
Why Are Gay Men Called “Fags”? 171
Does the G-Spot Really Exist? 174
Do Gynecologists Make Better Lovers? 176
Why Do Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? 178
Is There Anyone in Personal Ad-Land Who Isn’t
“Attractive” or Doesn’t Possess a “GSOH”? 181
Are Transvestites More or Less Likely to Be Gay? 184
Can Animals Get Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)? 187
What Is the Origin of the C Word? 190
Is It Possible to Have an Orgasm without Being Touched? 193
What Is the Most Innocuous Song/Film/Book Banned
for Being Too Sexy? 194
What Are the Signs That Your Partner’s Having an Affair? 197
In the Days When Homosexuality Was Illegal, Were
Any Famous Men Convicted of Gay “Crimes”? 200
So Who Was Saint Valentine? 202
Is It True That Nurses Will “Relieve” a Patient Who
Can’t Oblige Himself? 204
Can Eunuchs Have Sex? 206
Why Are Prostitutes Called Hookers? 207
Are There Any Animals—Apart from Man—That Have
Sex for Recreation Rather Than Procreation? 208
…and Following on from That, Do Any Other Animals
Masturbate and Are There Any Animals—Besides
Man—That Are Sometimes Gay? 210
Vice Is Nice but Incest Is Best. Discuss 212
Why Have I Never Had a Wet Dream (Not Even As a Teenager)? 216
What Is It with Porn Stars and Their Names? 218
…and Why Are the Men in Porn Movies So Ugly
(When You Figure There’s No Shortage of Applicants)? 222
Is It True That Women’s Hairy Nipples Get Hairier If
Women Remove Their Hairs? 224
How Do Prostitutes Who Cater to Men Who Want to Dress
Up As Babies Keep a Straight Face? 226
Is There Such a Thing As Sex After Marriage? 228
Is There Such a Condition As Nymphomania or Is It
Merely a Cherished Male Fantasy? 234
…And, While We’re on the Subject, What’s the Male
Equivalent of Nymphomania? 237
If a Gay Man Marries a Lesbian, Who Does the Dishes? 240
What Did Women Use Before Sanitary Towels? 242
What Is the Origin of the Word “Camp”
To Describe Effeminate Behavior? 244
Why Do Some People Enjoy Being Spanked And/Or Tied Up? 246
What Happens to Prostitutes After They Retire? 249
What’s So Erotic About Autoerotic Asphyxiation? 252
How Does a Gigolo Get a Hard-On? 255
Is a Good Wank Better Than a Lousy Blow Job? 258
What Is Uncircumcision? 260
Does Penis Size Vary with Ethnicity? 263
Is It Morally Worse for a Man to Rape a Nun Than a Prostitute? 266
Where Do Nudists Keep Their Hankies? 269
Postscript
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Other Books by Mitchell Symons
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher