When the Piano Stops: A Memoir of Healing from Sexual Abuse

289 Pages·2009·2.51 MB·English

by  Catherine McCall

When
the
Piano
Stops
A MeMoir of HeAling
FroM SexuAl AbuSe
cAtHerine MccAll
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When the Piano Stops
A Memoir of Healing from Sexual Abuse
copyright © 2009 by catherine Mccall
Published by
Seal Press
A Member of the Perseus books group
1700 Fourth Street
berkeley, california 94710
All rights reserved. no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote
brief excerpts in connection with a review.
library of congress cataloging-in-Publication Data
Mccall, catherine.
When the piano stops : a memoir of healing from sexual abuse /
catherine Mccall.
p. cm.
iSbn-13: 978-1-58005-267-2
iSbn-10: 1-58005-267-3
1. child sexual abuse--united States--Psychological
aspects--biography. 2. Adult child sexual abuse victims--united
States--biography. i. title.
HV6570.2.M39 2009
362.76092--dc22
[b]
2008051789
cover design by Susan Koski Zucker
cover photo by © Joe Mikos/getty images
interior design by tabitha lahr
Printed in the united States of America
Distributed by Publishers group West
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Dedicated to the well-being of children.
There are stories no one wants to tell, because they are stories everyone
wants to deny are true. And yet, the integrity of life compels one to
give testimony as another bears witness to the truth. The gospel truth.
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Author’s
Note
I have written this memoir in solidarity with those who
have endured sexual abuse, their partners, children, and therapists.
the narrative of my story is structured in the sequence in which the
events happened, rather than that in which i remembered them. Al-
though i remembered my parents’ drunkenness, my father’s erratic
mood swings, and periods when my siblings and I lived in terror be-
cause of his unrelenting psychological abuse, I did not remember epi-
sodes of him sexually abusing me, which are described in Part One,
until I was forty years old. My mother was dying, and as a result of a
constellation of triggering events described in Part Two, memories of
the sexual abuse began to emerge through flashbacks. this phenom-
enon is often characteristic of post-traumatic stress disorder and the
nature of traumatic memory.
Many children who are repeatedly abused sexually may have no
memory of these experiences. This may vary depending on when and
how they are abused, their level of cognitive development, personal
and family dynamics. How can they believe what they cannot imag-
ine? How can they name that for which they have no words? And what
child doesn’t prefer to believe that the abuse did not happen? Denial,
v
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dissociation, and repression allow children to go on living life with
the illusion of normalcy, though they may have a sense that they made
something awful happen, and their capacity to stand up for them-
selves is often undermined. in my case, i felt that my mere existence
was a source of profound pain for the people i loved the most.
the traumatic nature of abuse often resets a child’s physiology
from fight to freeze. thus, she or he becomes captive to the per-
petrator’s wishes. the child’s ability to accommodate to these cir-
cumstances is amazing, and its effect on her or his development is
powerfully influenced by the child’s full context—innate personality,
physical stamina, early nurturing, immediate and extended family
dynamics, school, community, faith, friends, teachers, culture, and
physical surroundings.
the experience of sexual abuse by incest is the most profound
violation of personal boundaries imaginable and creates a ripple effect
of pain throughout the survivor’s life and family. there are many forc-
es at work to keep the child and, later, the adult s/he becomes, quiet
about her or his victimization. When i decided to write and publish
my story i did so with the full support of my husband, Peter, though
it contains a detailed account of how my history and his affected our
marriage, including our sex life. My writing style is an outgrowth of
our commitment to truth-telling without evasion. intimate stories of
monogamous marriage are rare in our culture of sexual exploitation
and frequent media attention to the infidelities of politicians and ce-
lebrities. our hope is that other couples struggling to heal and to love
can learn from our experiences.
i realize that in telling my story, i am also telling my family’s sto-
ry, both past and present. My siblings have encouraged and respected
my commitment to the telling of my perspective about our childhood.
issues relevant to Peter and me and our own children carry a differ-
ent sensitivity. i have worked hard to chisel a narrative that keeps our
daughters and their stories out of my memoir as much as possible,
to protect their privacy. their names and those of many people and
places in my family’s history have been changed for the same reason.
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Contents
Prologue ............................................1
PArt one:
The Biology of Evil and the
Psychology of Grace
chapter 1 ............................................7
chapter 2 ...........................................13
chapter 3 ...........................................19
chapter 4 ...........................................25
chapter 5 ...........................................33
chapter 6 ...........................................41
chapter 7 ...........................................47
chapter 8 ...........................................53
chapter 9 ...........................................61
chapter 10 ..........................................65
chapter 11 ..........................................73
chapter 12 ..........................................77
chapter 13 ..........................................83
chapter 14 ..........................................87
chapter 15 ..........................................93
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PArt tWo:
The Geography of Trauma and the
History of Redemption
chapter 16 ........................................103
chapter 17 ........................................115
chapter 18 ........................................125
chapter 19 ........................................133
chapter 20 ........................................149
chapter 21 ........................................159
chapter 22 ........................................167
chapter 23 ........................................177
chapter 24 ........................................191
chapter 25 ........................................199
chapter 26 ........................................209
chapter 27 ........................................219
chapter 28 ........................................229
chapter 29 ........................................237
epilogue ..........................................253
Appendix..........................................257
Acknowledgments...................................273
Discussion.........................................276
About the Author ...................................277
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Prologue
Mother had her lucid moments during those final months
in the nursing home. but Mary Anne, my therapist, had warned me
that the time would come when such moments would cease to be.
in anticipation of that day, i went through all the old family Ko-
dachrome slides—and there were many, as photography had been
Dad’s hobby. i selected thirty-five favorites and had them made into
prints, arranged them in an album, and took a morning off from
work to deliver my gift.
When i arrived, i found Mother in her wheelchair, lined up
against the wall with other patients. She was frail and scrawny, wear-
ing a pink-and-white striped blouse, white polyester pants, and run-
ning shoes. Her thin, shoulder-length white hair was parted on the
side and held back with a baby blue barrette.
At the sight of me, she began waving and calling my name, try-
ing to stand up on those spindly legs that had been paralyzed for four
months. i walked toward her quickly, smiling and returning the waves,
until i was close enough to bend over and embrace her, kissing her soft,
1
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