When I Fall in Love Again: A New Study on Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life

214 Pages·2009·0.34 MB·English

by  Jane Merrill

WHEN I FALL IN
LOVE AGAIN
A New Study on Finding and
Keeping the Love of Your Life
Jane Merrill and David Knox
P
RAEGER
AnImprintofABC-CLIO,LLC
Copyright2010byJaneMerrillandDavidKnox
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,
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exceptfortheinclusionofbriefquotationsinareview,withoutprior
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Merrill,Jane.
WhenIfallinloveagain:anewstudyonfindingandkeepingthe
loveofyourlife/JaneMerrillandDavidKnox.
p.cm.
ISBN 978-0-313-38086-0 (hard copy : alk. paper) — ISBN 978-0-313-38087-7
(ebook)
1. Love. 2. Interpersonalrelations. I. Knox,David. II.Title.
BF575.L8M375 2010
306.7’3–dc22 2009028807
ISBN: 978-0-313-38086-0
EISBN:978-0-313-38087-7
14 13 12 11 10 1 2 3 4 5
ThisbookisalsoavailableontheWorldWideWebasaneBook.
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ManufacturedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
Contents
Preface v
Acknowledgments vii
Chapter1. SexualRegrets:Surveyof429Respondents 1
Chapter2. SexualSecrets:SixtyWomenTalkaboutSex
andRelationships 13
Chapter3. RecoveringOne’sBalance:MovingOn 29
Chapter4. PlaytheGameorLose:ManagingtheDouble
Standard 45
Chapter5. Self-Esteem:ItsImportanceandHowtoAchieveIt 63
Chapter6. Mama:WhatSheDidn’tTellYouaboutSexandMen 69
Chapter7. Daddy:WhatHeWouldn’tTellYouaboutSex 83
Chapter8. Infidelity:RelationshipPoison 93
Chapter9. FindingYourMan:He’sLookingforYouToo 113
Chapter10.Connecting:CommunicationBasics 131
Chapter11.BeingintheMoment:There’sNoPlaceElse 141
Chapter12.SexualMakeover:TheNewSexualYou 147
Chapter13.YourWeddingNight:ANighttoRemember 157
Chapter14.KeepingSexAlive:It’sAllaboutYourRelationship 171
Chapter15.SexSelf-Tests:TenofThem 185
Chapter16.RelationshipSelf-Tests:TwelveofThem 197
Index 211
AbouttheAuthors 215

Preface
H
ow a relationship ends is the most demanding of all episodes in the
romantic repertoire. From a woman’s point of view, it is that turn that
you do on figure skates. You’ve put your hope and heart, your life story
and devotion into being with a man. Then, poof, you realize it’s over or
you’retold it’sover. Youcan’t fall down escalators or throw yourself off
a bridge. You may be in a context where you have children or a very
demanding job where you have to keep up a serene demeanor. And
because you have the desire to live and be happy, perhaps buried in
you like a seed, you muse, ‘‘Maybe I’ll get it right with the next man.’’
Making thatturn in ahealthy, successful wayisthefocusof thisbook.
I (Jane—the first author), who have had a romantic life with as many
ups and downs as a seismograph, judge this turning of one’s love to a
new man most difficult. Yet, the transition may also be like a rebirth,
invigorating depending on circumstances. You may be at that stage
where you want to settle down and have a child and are thinking about
a man as the potential father of your children. Or, if your parenting
questions are at rest and you seek a loving, companionable mate, these
issues present very differently. While it may be refreshing for some
women to goto a newman (‘‘Am Iever glad Iam flying freeand trying
somebody new!’’), for others, it is like a death experience. Thus the turn
of the skate on the ice, although I can hear it with every fiber of my
being, hasmanyconfigurations.
I’vemademorelifestylechangesthananactresschangescostumesina
repertorycompany—movingaroundnearlyasmuchtoo.Raisedbygrand-
motherswhowerelatter-dayVictorians,Iimbibedtheirviewofthegentle,
goodnurturingwoman,yetsawthemleftontheirownfromtheirforties.
It’sbeenafullcirclebutnotaclosedcircle.Ihavethoughtabouteverymove
awayfromthelifeIexpected,toaveryunconventionallife,andamnowliv-
ing with a quiet country man, gardening and cooking and walking with
himasifitweretwocenturiesago.Yes,Ithought,maybeIknowsomething
vi Preface
aboutmakingthatturn.Theexperiencesincludebeingabandoned,having
anout-of-wedlockchildbyamanwhospurnedme,beingtemptedbyval-
uesnotmyown,beingconfusedbymaleattentionandbeingdeprivedofit,
adapting,andmovingforward...
My first husband decided he didn’t want to be married—‘‘a philo-
sophical decision,’’ he said—while I was in Europe studying, when I
wondered why his daily letters had ceased. My big immediate problem
as I got a job and survived was crying without warning on the train. I
have surely felt like a widow. I thought, ‘‘Well, I guess I don’t know
what it’s like to have suffered abuse and go on.’’ Yet twice a man beat
me up, once so badly I went to the hospital and the police insisted on
my assailant being taken to court. Prostitution? On my birthday, after
we had sex, one man left money. Someone else (wealthy no less) said
he’d like to lift my burden as a single mother. He gave me a $50,000
checkonourthirddate,which Icutupandstuckinananthologyofpo-
etry,toperplex a forebear ina centuryto come.
‘‘There are two types of people.’’ That is such familiar rhetoric, isn’t
it? Certainly from the angle of learning life lessons there are those who
have to make all the mistakes and those who can deduce the right pre-
cepts from watching others hit the potholes. One winter day one of my
daughters wondered how it felt to be one of the ducks still on the lake.
She jumped off the boardwalk into the icy water. I should have known
Julia would, like me, have to learn by trial and error. Yet her older
brotherandsister would never haveconsidered a caperlikethis.
In my coming of age, a period of feminist intensification in America,
Iexperimented,asweliketosay,orwentwild,asisthetruth.Doesthat
mean it’s less a marvel to go to bed with my life partner? Certainly it’s
still a wonder. When I was shy and with a man of considerably more
sexual experience, I remember thinking I didn’t know how to kiss, or
what to do with my hands and feet. You may forget later but at first
you feel all thumbs in bed. This man said with warmth and kindness,
‘‘Butthere aren’t anyexperts when itcomes to sex.’’
As a woman who has experienced the relationship landscape, I care
about other women who are evolving in life and love—to move from
poor choices and regret to a place in the sun. How can we execute the
skater’s turn so we don’t fall down and suffer cuts and bruises, but
skate on with improved balance toward a fulfilling happy life? I have
teamed with a sociologist who specializes in relationships (he has also
been through a divorce, so he’s learning, too), and these are the ques-
tions through surveys, interviews, and reflection that we attempt to an-
swerinthisbook.Join us.
Acknowledgments
A
ll books are a collaborative effort. We are indebted to Anthony
Chiffolo (director of Praeger Publishers) for his quick response to our
proposal (submitted by agent Stan Wakefield) on sexual regret and his
encouragement to move forward. We also acknowledge Tracie Gardner
(California) and Corie Hammers (South Carolina) for assisting us in
collecting the data and express appreciation to the 429 Internet
respondents (who completed the extensive Sexual Regret question-
naire). Leia Cain-Davenport analyzed the data. Finally we are apprecia-
tive to the seventy individuals who shared their regret and relationship
stories during detailed interviews. To protect their identity we have
used false first names, no last names, and altered aspects of their demo-
graphics so that they would be recognized by no one.

1
Sexual Regrets: Survey of 429
Respondents
Toregretdeeply istolive afresh.
—Henry David Thoreau
W
ho has not experienced some level of sexual regret? This book is a
contemporary guide for women who regret their timing of sex in previ-
ous relationships (they may have given sex too quickly) and who are
committed to making wiser sexual choices in their current or new rela-
tionship. They want to feel good about themselves and to ensure that
sex (this time) becomes part of a relationship that is going somewhere.
This chapter features new research about sexual regret, the emotions
experienced by both women and men over the course of the relation-
ship, and the various relationship issues individuals and couples strug-
gle with. Four hundred and twenty-nine university students in
California and North and South Carolina completed an anonymous
Internet questionnaire on sexual and relationship regret. Over three-
fourths (76 percent) were female; 24 percent were male. Six in ten were
‘‘emotionally involved with one person,’’ engaged, or married; 23 per-
cent were between relationships in that they were not dating or
involved with anyone; and 15 percent were casually dating different
people. Mostallof therespondents wererelationship experienced.
TIMING OFSEXUAL INVOLVEMENT
‘‘The only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes,’’ wrote Oscar
Wilde in The Picture of Dorian Gray, yet coulda and shoulda plague us
all. Most of us have some regrets and wish we had done something dif-
ferent. Sexual regret is no exception. Table 1 reflects the percentage who
reported feeling regret for engaging ‘‘too soon’’ or ‘‘too late’’ in various
behaviors in thecurrent orlast relationship.