What the Dogs Have Taught Me, And Other Amazing Things I've Learned

217 Pages·2016·0.88 MB·English

by  Markoe Merrill.

Praise for Merrill Markoe
What the Dogs Have Taught Me

“Merrill Markoe has a keen eye for the little lunacies of modern living.… Hers is
a special talent, desperately needed these days.”
—The New York Times

“You will gain an appreciation of the silly from which you may never recover.
You may begin to collect windup toys at airports, catalogs of exotic nightwear,
and unemployment ads for stun-gun salesmen.”
—Time

How to Be Hap-Hap- Happy Like Me

“Markoe is the funniest woman in America and, please, let’s have no arguing,
okay?”
—People

“Hip, hilarious, a neurotic’s delight … Markoe presents a stupefyingly funny
guide to the universe and everything in it.”
—The Houston Post
also by Merrill Markoe

The Psycho Ex Game

It’s My F—ing Birthday

How to Be Hap- Hap- Happy Like Me

Merrill Markoe’s Guide to Love

The Day My Dogs Became Guys

2005 Villard Books Trade Paperback Edition
Copyright © 2005 by Merrill Markoe
All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Villard Books, an imprint of
The Random House Publishing Group, a division of
Random House, Inc., New York.

VILLARD and “V” CIRCLED Design are registered trademarks of
Random House, Inc.

Portions of this work were originally published in What the Dogs Have Taught
Me (New York: Viking Penguin, 1992), copyright © 1992 by Merrill Markoe,
and How to Be Hap-Hap- Happy Like Me (New York: Viking Penguin, 1994),
copyright © 1994 by Merrill Markoe. In addition, some of the essays originally
appeared in Buzz, LA Weekly, Oxygen.com, and ModernHumorist.com.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

eISBN: 978-0-307-49869-4

Villard Books website address: www.villard.com

v3.1
To Stan, Bob, Bo, Tex,
Winky, Dinky, and Puppyboy,
but most of all to Lewis
Foreword

On the eve of the republication of this book of short pieces, I cannot help but
reflect on how much has changed since the nineties, when many of them were
written.
Back then I was single, and coping with dating, while living with my four
head of dog in an underfurnished house in Los Angeles. I was cynical about the
importance of the Internet or the need for e-mail, and scared silly about the
frightening specter of El Niño, the unstoppable Ebola virus, skyrocketing
electricity prices and the nightmare of rolling blackouts, the coming catastrophe
of Y2K, the crazy war in Kuwait, and the number of fat grams I was consuming
each day. I was also worried sick about the cavalier destruction of the
environment, the rising censorship by the religious right, the lack of regard the
current administration was showing for the truth, and the puzzling desire for a
return of the seventies. Some things don’t change.
Now it is 2005. I am coping with living with one head of man, and two head
of dog and cat in the same house in Los Angeles, but has become overfurnished.
Now I am cynical about the need for a cell phone that is also a camera, and
scared silly about skyrocketing gas prices, the specter of the worst fire season
ever, the unstoppable West Nile virus, the crazy war in Iraq, and the number of
carbs I am consuming each day.
On the bright side, all this time I have continued to learn from my dogs, who
have always been there to make life look like a hopeful, happy place. They have
taught me, by example, that it is possible to wake up each morning in a
wonderful mood, worried about absolutely nothing, excited about breakfast,
thrilled every time there is a knock at the door. How can I ever forget the
reaction they had to the last big fire scare in my neighborhood, when the fire
department came to my house to suggest we evacuate? While I was frantic,
running around trying to determine which of my possessions to save, the dogs all
were leaping with glee at the prospect of some kind of event that was going to
involve not just leashes but also the car.
Through constant and ceaseless example, the dogs have taught me that this
bottomless joie de vivre is available to each and every one of us. All it takes is
someone looking out for your health and your grooming while serving you
nutritious meals plus vitamins every day as they selflessly make sure you get
plenty of exercise and love and comfort. It also helps if they pay all of your bills.
Since I have had no one to rely on for those things since high school, I have
been a nervous wreck for decades.
But my dogs are always the picture of health and happiness. And isn’t that
what’s really important?
MERRILL MARKOE
Contents

Cover
Other Books by This Author
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Foreword

A Conversation with My Dogs
Just Say “I Do”
The Dog Diaries
Let’s Party
Showering with Your Dog
Sexual Secrets and Other Self-improvements
Something Extremely Important
An Insider’s Guide to the American Woman
A Dog Is a Dog Is a Dog
I, Lewis
Look Before You Eat
Dominatrix 101
Diary of a New Relationship
Home Alone
My Romantic Dinner with Fabio
What the Dogs Have Taught Me
My New Career in Porn
It’s a Wonderful Lewis