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(cid:8)(cid:18)(cid:7)(cid:9)(cid:17)(cid:10)(cid:21)(cid:21)(cid:23)(cid:22)(cid:23)(cid:11)(cid:24)(cid:24)(cid:6)(cid:9)(cid:21)(cid:19)
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5
MY WIFE once shouted at
my son for farting when he
(cid:43)(cid:43) was actually on the toilet enjoying
a shit. Have any of your readers
(cid:43)(cid:43)
experienced a more unreasonable
(cid:43)(cid:43) (cid:43)(cid:43) admonishment for releasing an
(cid:43)(cid:43) (cid:43)(cid:43) (cid:43)(cid:43) (cid:43)(cid:43)
audible flatulisation?
Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ (cid:43) [email protected] Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresham
(cid:43) 5
5 (cid:43)
IT OCCURRED to me
(cid:43)(cid:43)
I WAS just wondering if any
ST R when reading the adverts in
of your readers could answer
your latest issue that Mrs B from
a question for me? We are all used
Essex has aged remarkably well
to bikini-clad young ladies walking
considering the many years that she
around the boxing ring holding up the LETTER
has been endorsing products and
number of the next round. But what
services in Viz. Maybe she should
happens to those who don’t a chance
advertise whatever skin products she
to go on? If, for instance, the fight
uses to keep herself young as I’m
finishes in the third round of a ten-
sure it would be a ‘boon’ to others.
round fight, do the other seven bikini-
Alizundy, Brisbane
clad young ladies get paid, or do they 5
just get their bus fare home? There’s WHEN YOU think of the
not much else going on in the world unfathomable size of the
at the moment, so perhaps some MP universe, aren’t all football matches
could raise this in the house. ‘local derbies’, relatively speaking?
Gordon Bennet, Aukland If we accept this as true, it would
5
5 raise the excitement of every game
I IMAGINE that most Viz
LAST NIGHT I dreamed that immeasurably and increase the
readers are over-50s males with
I worked for Boris Johnson, level of hatred amongst rival fans
unhealthy lifestyles, which means
and when I handed in my notice to the world over.
that realistically, most of us will have
go and work instead for Hercule Lee Nover, Clifton
pegged it in twenty years’ time. In 5 5
Poirot, the Prime Minister gave me a
order for Viz to survive, therefore, I LOVE tricorn hats, the ones ISN’T life a strange and
really lovely, written reference even
you will need to start appealing to a which were popular in the mysterious thing? It couldn’t
though at the time he was being
much younger demographic. With 18th century, and if I wore a hat, have been more than 20 years ago
pursued by a very angry man who
that in mind, how about a picture of a it would definitely be a tricorn. today that I remember passing little
I’d accidentally let into the building.
rare Pokemon kissing that bird’s arse? Unfortunately, however, I don’t wear Jimmy Krankie on the escalators
When I woke up, I was touched
Dr Hugh Munster, Edinburgh hats, so I guess I’ll never get to wear in Newcastle. And here I am today,
by the sentiments in the reference
a tricorn, which is a great shame. looking at my own picture in the
and wondered if, just maybe, Boris
*Good advice, Mr Munster. Hampton Crumbleholme, Hull Evening Chronicle for throwing
Johnson isn’t really that bad after all.
5 cat shit at my neighbours. Life
Have any of your other readers been
I KEEP receiving random and fame, eh? What a strange and
momentarily swayed by the actions
e-mails with photos of marvellous journey.
of the Prime Minister in a dream?
beautiful young girls telling me Prof. Mick McClanger, Gateshead
Joe Smith, Exeter 5
they find me attractive. All I can
ENGLISH football’s second
say is that I am not surprised. I’ve
*What a nice thought from Mr Smith. highest scorer, Alan ‘Buzz’
cut back on booze, narrowed the
It seems the media are constantly Shearer, recently stated that a player
amphetamines down to weekends
giving our PM a hard time simply “struck the ball too well” when he
and I’ve got my own dartboard.
because of the way he behaves. Write hit the post and missed an open
Les Lloyd, email
in with some of the nice things that 5 goal. I wonder how Alan would feel
Boris has done in your dreams and THERE are all these cookery if, after having his car serviced, the
5we’ll redress the balance. programmes on every channel, fucking thing exploded on the A167.
but not of them is aimed at lazy Would he say that the mechanic
I’VE JUST watched a porn vid
bastards like me who only ever eat serviced it “too well”?
where the lead actor lifted the
microwave meals from Iceland. Chuck Diecko, Maghull
leading lady onto a wall-mounted 5
wash basin in the bathroom before Les Lloyd, email
5 IN 1982, I met the actor
having sex. Could I advise anyone
I HAVE been a reader of Dennis Waterman in a cafe
thinking of doing the same to take
your magazine for over three in Folkestone. That is all I have to
care. These kinds of wash basins are
5 decades now, having first come across say about the matter and I would
not meant to take any great weight,
SOME PEOPLE say that two Viz in about 1989. In fact, I’ve enjoyed prefer to keep the details of what
and for reasons of safety, I would
wrongs don’t make a right, but it so much that I’m considering was said private.
recommend only attempting this act
any mathematician worth their salt buying another copy very soon. Jakey Skippen, Folkestone
on a pedestal-type basin. 5
will tell you that two negatives make Dave Winter, Paris
Billy Whiffles, Tooting 5 THESE bags of ice cubes
5 a positive. I think it’s high time folk
ISN’T it about time you started need to have a ‘use-by’ date.
I CAN’T be alone in thinking put less faith in this sort of old wives’
offering Willy Wonka-style I paid £1 for a Sainsbury’s ‘party
that whilst Ming the Merciless’s tale hokum and started using a bit
tours around the Viz factory? You pack’ and the contents all turned
huge and ornate collar is impressive, it more mathematical logic.
could put ‘brown tickets’ in a handful to liquid after just one day in the
is also extremely impractical. I imagine Wythenshawe Lineman, Manchester
5 of comics before they get distributed cupboard. What a rip-off.
that when he first started wearing it in
STARTING the drive to around the country. Imagine the Neal Bircher, Ickenham
the 1930s, it was to detract attention
Edinburgh last week, my satnav excitement! Then a small group of
from his baldness. These days
told me I would arrive at 18:06. An lucky brown ticket holders and their
however, attitudes have changed and
hour later, I was in Paisley and the thing ageing relatives could visit Newcastle
a completely bald head is considered
still said I wouldn’t get there until 18:05. and see all your wonderful machines
fashionable and attractive. Perhaps it’s
So after driving for an hour I was only and meet some of the characters.
time for Ming the Merciless to face up
1 minute closer to Edinburgh. What a No doubt some of the less restrained
to his insecurities, lose the collar and
waste of time! Next time I’ll just leave winners would get sucked into
learn to be accepted for the person
from Paisley. various pipes and chutes, but I think
that he is.
it would be a risk worth taking.
Mike Harris, Gourock
Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura
Micky Bullock, Bristol
X
8
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ON A recent trip to a watery WHY ARE priceless antiques use discount code: LAZYFUCKER2 *of those we could distract from their phones
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5 5
heron, two swans, two oystercatchers, eggs always made from really fragile
MY OLD granddad lost an eye IF WE’VE learnt anything in
a crow and two seagulls, all within a materials like porcelain and bone
in WW2, but he still kept his the last few years, it’s that the
very short distance of each other. Can china? If I was making stuff which was
spirits up. He used to take his glass so-called experts don’t know what
anyone else recount a more diverse that valuable, I’d have the common
eye out and pretend he was looking they are talking about. But what
feathery gathering? sense to use something more durable,
up ladies’ skirts. All harmless fun, but about the normal experts? We never
Dwayne Hickman, Telford like tyre rubber or cement.
the modern ‘snowflake’ generation hear from them any more. They
Ben Nunn, Caterham
5 obviously took exception to his japes, must be even more useless.
*What is the most number of birds
CONSIDER this if you will. and he was arrested for this and Joe Williams, Leeds
you have ever seen in the same place? 5
You can use your mobile phone “other offences.” Utterly ridiculous.
And by that, we mean the number of
I’M AT that age where I would
as a torch, but you can’t use your Howitt, Bedford
species, not the number of individual 5 rather do anything than go
torch as a mobile phone. Yet both are
birds. We’re not interested in the
RECENTLY reading a book on a stag weekend, so receiving an
battery-powered instruments. Once
number of individual birds you have
I discovered that Limfjord invitation to my mate’s three-day
again it’s one rule for one thing and
seen. Or indeed the number of species,
is a fjord which cuts across the bender in Amsterdam filled me with
one rule for another.
come to think of it. Just forget it.
5 north of Denmark, with its western dread. I needn’t have worried, though.
Nevets Nannarb, Southport
5 entrance blocked by sandbanks. Thanks to the queues at passport
WHY DON’T we hear swannee
whistles any more? You used to DESPITE developing Geological studies have suggested control and cancelled flights, by the
hear them all the time in the 1970s, thousands of miles apart, all it was, however, open “in about AD time we arrived at Schiphol Airport,
when a man’s trousers fell down or civilisations eventually invented 1000-1100”. When I was at school I we just had time for a couple of pints
when a woman driver accidentally sausages, and they all contain either was told my answers needed to be in the departure lounge before it was
reversed a car into a duck pond. Now pork or beef. The evolution of on the button, and in some cases I time to come back. Apart from the
that we have left the EU, it’s about Homo sapiens seems to have hit a even had to show my working out. groom’s constant whining, it was quite
time Boris Johnson brought them brick wall with sausages, so I would Battle of Hastings? About 1023- a pleasant weekend. Three cheers for
back to accompany his comedy antics like to suggest some new fillings like 1092. 12 x 12? Just shy of 150. Come Brexit and Covid, I say.
in Downing Street. ducks, moles or jellyfish. on scientists, show some pride. Steve Crouch, Peterborough
5
C Hawtrey, Deal Mike Harris, Gourock 5Chloe Cardashian, Chelsmsfjord MY FRIEND and I have
5
THE OTHER day I was with been having an argument,
PEOPLE keep
a group of friends, and one of and we were hoping you could help
saying my cat Archie
them told a story, at the end of which settle it. I reckon that there are an
is majestic, and judging
I said “Un-bee-lievable!!” Then I infinite number of pairs of prime
by this photograph, You
realised that the story hadn’t had numbers that differ by two, but my
would have to say they are
anything to do with bees whatsoever, friend asserts that there is a finite
correct. However, shortly
and I ended up looking a right twat. number of these prime pairs. Can
after I took this picture,
Jack Spratt, Stourbridge you explain which of us is right, with
he started licking his own 5
diagrams where appropriate?
arsehole, which is far from HATS OFF to the tories for
John Moynes, Dublin
majestic. I’d like to see managing to keep their parties
our monarch do that. covered up for so long. It took my
*Sorry, John, we can’t help you as
Joel, email parents about 5 minutes to notice
we were off school the day they did
the hole kicked in the wall, the bong
PS. I wrote “our monarch” Polignac’s conjecture and infinite
behind the curtain, and the curry
just in case there’s a high series prime pair progression in maths.
powder on the sofa. Then there was
profile death before this Perhaps there is a mathematical
the whole fiasco with the jobbie in the
letter is published. But the genius Viz reader with a terrible
kettle. Credit where credit’s due, they
point still stands – neither haircut, appalling dress sense and no
must have tidied up extremely well.
The Queen nor Prince girl- or boyfriend who could help settle
Charles could do it. Oxter Boggins, Monifieth your argument.
Continued over...
9
...continued
5
IN RESPONSE to your star PROSPECTIVE dog owners. Take OSCAR nominees. If you are
letter (Viz 313), I was the a dump in a plastic bag and walk contemplating giving the host
individual who Mr Crisps spotted around the streets swinging it to a smack, why not wait until you
taking a dump on the morning see if dog ownership is for you. see if you win? You could do
that his Newcastle to London train John Owens, Glasgow. some right old damage with one
passed Newark Northgate. I was USED teabags make idea pillows of those bronze awards, leaving
unfortunately caught short after a for mice or other small animals. DRUG dealers. Save money them much less likely to be able
rather heavy session on the real ale Cover with plastic wrap first to at breakfast time by ‘cutting’ to think of some smart-arsed
the preceding evening. It was not avoid tea stains on their heads. expensive Crunchy Nut cornflakes ‘post-attack’ retort.
my intention to cause offence and I Paul, Maitland , Australia with regular cornflakes. Mrs Fannackapan, Wavertree
apologise unreservedly to Mr Crisps M. Lopez, Tottenham
and all in First Class who had to HOUSEGUESTS. Convince
ARTIFICIAL grass manufacturers.
witness myself pushing brown. your hosts that you didn’t piss in
Make a version of your product
J Smotherbox, Newark their shower in the morning by
5 two foot high and full of artificial
flushing the loo as you leave the
IS IT not time our Queen weeds for lazy bastards.
bathroom. [email protected]
stepped down? We moan Michael Thompson, North Wales
Brett Star-Twinkle, Woking
about dictators in other countries
clinging to power, but come on. 5 5 5
Even Vladimir Putin has only been I SAW the film The Incredible I WONDER if aliens have IF I had been the captain
in power for 25 years. Shrinking Man recently, and curtains. I would imagine that of the Titanic, I would have
Andrew Crighton, Stockholm I’m afraid the science behind the if their planet has 2 suns, they might sailed around the iceberg. I mean,
5
premise is rather flawed. By the never get any night time, so they it’s an iceberg, for fuck’s sake.
AN EX-GIRLFRIEND of mine
time he got to a few inches tall, he would almost certainly have them. John Moynes, Dublin
once had a threesome with the 5
would have been torn to pieces by Whereas aliens on planets orbiting a
Chuckle Brothers years ago. Needless I CAN’T help thinking
his grossly overpowered muscles. dark star probably haven’t got much
to say the phrase ‘to me, to you’ was that if Johnny Depp had
He would also be dead from being use for drapery.
used constantly throughout the whole married Thora Hird instead of
as dense as platinum. And this is not Mike Harris, Gourock
seven-and-a-half minute encounter. 5 Amber, he would have been a lot
to mention that he would expire
Gordon Bennett, Auckland from hypothermia as his small THEY SAY happier. Thora could have baked
never put all him Eccles cakes and, when the
surface-area-to-volume
*No, we’re sorry, Mr Bennet, we your eggs in one heady world of showbiz made him
ratio would be insufficient
simply don’t believe that is true. And basket. But what if get above himself, she could have
to dissipate the massive
if you told us that their ChuckleVision you have only got brought him down to earth by
amount of heat generated
sidekicks The Patten Brothers joined one egg? I’d like to referring to it as ‘a load of old stuff
by his increased metabolism.
in to make it a fivesome, and kept see the smartarse and nonsense’ whilst dusting an
Fighting spiders using a needle
shouting “Get out of it” and “No philosophers answer aspidistra.
as a spear? I don’t think so.
Slacking” at various points in the that one. Mike Hayley, Penrith
Bill Logical, Colchester
proceedings, we’d believe it even less. Jack Spratt, Stourbridge
W
E WERE all shocked when we heard that Neil Parish MP was IT ALL DEPENDS on
caught watching pornography on his phone in the House whether he had the sound up.
If he did, then all the grunting
of Commons. But should we have been? Were his actions
and orgasmic moaning would
those of a sick, exhibitionist pervert, or a man comfortable with his
have distracted any MP speaking
sexual needs and preferences? Have we not moved away from stuffy,
at the time, which is a breach of
Victorian attitudes which frowned upon watching and masturbating
parliamentary etiquette. If he was
to pornography, or are these things we should still do in the privacy
watching his scud on silent, I can’t
of our own homes? We went on the street to see what YOU thought… see what the problem is.
TO MY MIND, the question that has to be IN 1975, I was caught reading a copy of Toby Plimsols. Croydon
asked is what were those lady MPs doing Penthouse at the back of the class during
WATCHING PORN in the chamber
looking at Mr Parish’s phone in the first maths, and I learned my lesson after being
would have rendered Mr Parish unable
place? Have they never heard of privacy? clipped round the ear by Mr Mitchell and sent
to do his job, as from what I gather,
to the headmaster. If Sir Lindsay Hoyle had
Hamilton Dugong, Wells being an MP involves lots of standing up
similarly led Mr Parish out of the chamber
and sitting down again during debates.
I CAN’T SEE what he has done wrong. I
by the ear and sent him to see Sir Graham
He couldn’t do this properly if he was
watch pornographic material all the time at work
Brady (Chairman of the 1922 Committee),
sporting a bone-on, and so would
and so do all my colleagues. Having said that,
perhaps it could have all been sorted out
not be representing his constituents
I am a ‘home-grown’ grumble-flick film-maker
without him having to resign.
properly.
and editor, so it’s not really a very good example.
Lucien Balls, Derby
Octavia Septimus, Hexham
Ben Dover, Sittingbourne
I ALWAYS cough when entering the spare
IT ALL DEPENDS on the nature of the MPS ARE red-blooded males and
room where my husband is watching his
so are never going to stop watching
grumble he was watching. If he was flicking
“tractor films”, to give him a fair chance to
this sort of material, so the electorate
through the underwear section of the Gratton
flick it off the screen. If lady MPs did the same,
should capitalise on the situation and
catalogue website, then I think he has been
coughing loudly when they entered the chamber,
make porn films including their own
unfairly treated. But if it was some vile
anyone watching such material could turn their
matters of concern in the script, and
bukkake film called 25-into-1 Will Go, or
phones off and there would be no problem.
load them up on the net. For instance,
some UK gangbang party flick where you
Lucille Fivebells, Dover they could make a DVDA film where
can see it going in, then I think he did the
one of the actors prefaces the sexual
honourable thing in resigning. FROM WHAT I understand, Mr Neil was
encounter by complaining about the
watching a UK-made porn film involving
Torbjorn Frome, Leeds
potholes in local roads, or OAPs’ problems
tractors and buxom British ladies. Rather than
IT’S 2022, for heaven’s sake, not 1822! What parking near the shops. This will ensure
being sanctioned, he should be congratulated
a man does in the privacy of his own trousers that their grievances get heard by their
for flying the flag for our world-beating home-
is up to him. More power to his elbow, I say. parliamentary representative.
grown bongo movie industry.
Colin Larva, Wells Brian Wainwright, Bury
Hector Albian, Glossop
X
10
