Understanding Children in Foster Care: Identifying and addressing what children learn from maltreatment

234 Pages·2017·2.48 MB·English

by  Wendy Kelly (auth.)

Wendy Kelly
Understanding
children in foster care
Identifying and addressing what
children learn from maltreatment
Understanding Children in Foster Care
Wendy Kelly
Understanding
Children in Foster
Care
Identifying and addressing what
children learn from maltreatment
Wendy Kelly
Wellington, New Zealand
ISBN 978-3-319-65375-4 ISBN 978-3-319-65376-1 (eBook)
DOI 10.1007/978-3-319-65376-1
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017953540
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To my parents for their love and support and providing me with the
educational opportunities which eventually led to this book.
To Lesley, Jamie, Finn and Felix for being there for me and keeping me
grounded in real life.
Preface
The first time I used the Relational Learning Framework (RLF) to be
described in this book, a child protection social worker came up to me
and said, “You’ve traumatised me.” When I asked her how I had done
that, she said something like “We are working with a child who is wreak-
ing havoc out there and I’ve just realised we have made him this way.”
What she meant is that the more the child acted out, the more placement
changes he had and the worse his behaviour got. The RLF gave her insight
into the child’s perspective. She knew what was happening from her per-
spective as the stress and frustration of trying to help the child was only
too real to her on a daily basis. In this maelstrom, she had not thought
about what it was like to be the child and the pain and distress, or out-
right sense of power and control, which might be driving his behaviour.
The aim of this book is to provide a window into the child’s view of them-
selves and others. For maltreated children in foster care, this view may
have been formed through their experiences of physical, sexual and emo-
tional abuse, from neglect, starvation and being ignored, and from being
moved from place to place as if they are a parcel or a piece of furniture.
When completing the RLF, a foster parent exclaimed, “So it all comes
from the past!” and another said, “I’ve just had a lightbulb moment!”
These reactions spurred me on to use the RLF to give others a way of
working through the complexity of the child’s history and behaviour to
come to some understanding. My aim is for foster parents, social workers
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and clinicians to think about what is going on for the child in the bleak
moments when things go wrong and hope is lost. The moments when it
seems the child cannot be helped. The RLF provides a structure or lens to
think about the child, no matter how short the time available. Three sim-
ple questions can be answered: What is the behaviour that is distressing?
What has happened to the child that this behaviour seems the best choice
available? What words and actions will help? These simple questions allow
us to think about why a child may be beating up a parent or sitting staring
into space. Using this information to tune into the child makes us focus
on what this child needs to learn about relationships from me, today.
During my own difficult parenting moments I keep one question in
mind: “What do I need to do today to stay in relationship with my child?”
This question focuses attention on maintaining the relationship. We all
know that no relationship can thrive when there is continual conflict, yell-
ing, arguing and withdrawal. These things are borne out of frustration and
become habitual. It can be hard for parents to know what to do instead.
This question focuses on the positive; it asks what do I have to do to keep
in an emotional connection with this child. It lifts blame from both the
parent and the child, it takes the focus off techniques and puts the parent
on a different pathway to maintain connection. The RLF is designed to
help parents see what the child needs from them. The situation can be
overwhelming and filled with strong emotions. The RLF invites foster
parents to take a step back from this and develop a different approach.
The RLF has been described as doing a psychological formulation or
case conceptualisation “on the hoof” and in a way it is. But it is also many
other things—a way to share information, to simplify complexity, to
think about what is underneath the child’s behaviour, and a way to work
out how to help the child. It can be used flexibly and practitioners are
encouraged to return to the RLF when things go wrong or there is a cri-
sis. What additional experiences has the child had since the last RLF?
What has changed in the child’s behaviour? How does this impact on
their view of themselves and others? What do they need as a result? This
process can re-focus practitioners in a crisis, when workers may be very
upset and frustrated, and turns the focus back on what the child needs us
to do. This is very calming for practitioners, who may be beginning to
take their stress out on each other.
Prefac e ix
In conclusion, a child I worked with wrote a list of the things a foster
child needs. Here is the list (reproduced with permission):
Children need all sorts of things.
1. Love
2. Parents to care for them
3. A lovely home to stay in
4. Kind siblings that care for them
5. All the things they needed before they came to live with them
6. Love, love, love, the most important thing is love
Who could say it better? This book aims to unlock the mystery of the
child’s unpredictable behaviour and the thoughts that drive it so that love
has a chance to flourish and provide a secure base for the child’s healing
and recovery and sustenance for the foster family to persevere in the face
of some very large obstacles.
Acknowledgements
I acknowledge Victoria University of Wellington for the excellent sup-
port services wrapped around my PhD and the enthusiasm and encour-
agement of my colleagues and fellow students. I particularly thank my
supervisor Associate Professor Karen Salmon, who taught me how to
work out what my story was and tell it. Thank-you to Professor Tony
Ward, who helped with theory and planning. Thanks are also due to
Wendy Rose Herman, Clare-Ann Fortune, Eileen Bootsma and Lesley
Ayland, who gave me detailed feedback on the book. I also thank Andrea
Greer, who is an enthusiastic supporter of this work. I acknowledge all
the foster families and foster children who have inspired the work
described in this book. I enjoy working with foster parents who call a
spade a spade. Many I have worked with are puzzled by the child they are
caring for and surprised by the depth of distress which the child’s behav-
iour may provoke in them. As long as they have not been ground down
by struggling with the child’s behaviour or the system, they have been
fiercely determined to help the children in their care. I enjoy working
with foster children as they courageously face down their demons and
find a way to be in a sometimes hostile world which keeps changing on
them. I also acknowledge the social workers, mental health clinicians and
psychologists who have come to my training courses and for supervision.
Many of the ideas in this book come from our discussions.
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Contents
Part I Maltreatment and Mental Health 1
1 The Context of Foster Care 3
2 Early Maltreatment 25
3 Foster Children’s Well-Being and Mental Health 45
Part II Attachment and Mind-Mindedness 81
4 Attachment: The Meeting of Hearts 83
5 M ind-Mindedness: The Meeting of Minds 101
Part III The Relational Learning Framework 117
6 Th e Relational Learning Framework 119
7 H ow to Implement the RLF 139
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