Under the Duvet: Shoes, Reviews, Having the Blues, Builders, Babies, Families and Other Calamities

330 Pages·2004·1.32 MB·English

by  Marian Keyes

Under the Duvet
Shoes, Reviews, Having the Blues, Builders, Babies,
Families and Other Calamities
Marian Key es
Contents
Introduction v
Oh, the Glamour
Paperback Writher 3
In the Name of Research—
Going Under Cover 10
The Nicest Thing That Ever Happened to Me 18
Planes, Trains and Ought-to-Know-Betters 28
Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles 33
If It ’s Wednesday, It Must Be Hamburg 38
Given the Boot 46
Mind, Body, Spirit . . . and Shoes
Imeldas, and How to Spot Them 55
Does My Base Chakra Look Big in This? 58
Botox and Other Miracles 65
Hope Springs Eternal 72
What Color Is Your Aura? 77
Friends and Family
Till Debt Us Do Part 87
You Can Run but You Can’t Hide 93
Bah! Givvus a Humbug 98
ii
Contents
Himself Is a Hooligan 103
Push! 108
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Throw Down Your
Hair Dryer! 113
Lucky O’Leary: A Prince Among Dogs 118
Now Is the Time for All Little Brothers
to Come to the Aid of the Party 123
All Grown-Up
Ten Housework Laws for Men 131
Gilt Trip 133
The Agony and the Ecstasy, but Mostly
the Agony 137
Scarlet Pimpernel Construction 142
Get That Dustbin Out of My Relationship
Corner 147
Too Fast to Live, Too Young to Garden 152
Driving Along in My Automobile 157
Reversing Around Corners 162
The Pissed Is a Foreign Country,
They Do Things Differently There 168
Twelve Months
Sackcloth, Ashes . . . and the Gym 181
Have You the Green Food Coloring? 186
Thanks, Mam 191
Time ’s Arrow 195
Feeling Sheepish 200
iii
Contents
Happy Christmas! Form an Orderly Queue 205
A Quiet Millennium Night In 210
Both Sides of the Irish Sea
Swinging London 219
Do You Know the Bus Stop in Kilkenny? 226
The Early Bird . . . Catches the Host
on the Hop 231
Psycho Magnet 236
Slacking Off Is Hard to Do 241
Catholicism: Cheaper Than Prozac,
but Is It Good for You? 247
That’s Me Away!
Beside the Seaside 255
The Lucky Suitcase 260
Passport Out of Here 266
Aerodrama 272
’Nam Flashbacks 277
About the Author
Also by Marian Keyes
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
iv
Introduction
�

hen I was twenty-one I got it into my head that I
wanted to be a journalist. I considered my options: I
could buy a pork-pie hat and notebook and approach news-
papers, or I could apply to do a course. I decided on the
course, which happened to be vastly oversubscribed, but I got
through several of the interviewing stages, as they whittled
down the numbers. However, I didn’t make the final cut and
I was absolutely devastated—heartbroken! But with the wis-
dom of hindsight it was probably all for the best. I would have
been a terrible journalist—too wussy to doorstep suspects
and too afraid of giving offense to ask tough questions. And
I think I misunderstood my desire to work with words: I
wanted to write fiction, not fact.
Anyway, years passed (nine of them) and eventually I did
begin to write fiction, which is when I discovered a peculiar
side effect of being a novelist: newspaper and magazine edi-
tors were keen for me to contribute pieces of—wait for it—
journalism.
v
Introduction
Once I established that I didn’t have to dissect burning
matters of the day and that it was perfectly OK to write funny
autobiographical pieces, I was happy to do so. I began doing a
regular monthly column for Irish Tatler, which covered most
aspects of my life—writing, touring, trying to buy a house
and learn to drive, my great love of shoes and confectionery,
my great fear of dogs and New Year’s Eve. Occasionally
other Irish publications commissioned articles on something
specific like Mother’s Day or summer holidays, and over the
months and years, without noticing, I built up quite a hefty
pile of journalism.
Most of the articles in this collection have been published
already in Ireland, but not all have been. Some others I’ve
incorporated into a novel—like the story of me going for a
mud wrap in a desperate attempt to lose weight two days
before I got married. Those of you who’ve read Last Chance
Saloon might remember Tara having a similar experience.
Everything in this book really did happen to me, but occa-
sionally I’ve changed some details and people ’s names to pro-
tect the innocent or not-so-innocent! The majority of the arti-
cles are humorous, but a few aren’t quite as light-hearted—in
particular the piece about struggling with alcoholism. (But
you can skip it if it makes you depressed!) That ’s the beauty
of a collection like this—unlike a novel, it can be read in any
order you please; you can even start at the back if you want. I
like the idea that this is something you can dip in and out of,
that you can let the book fall open on a random page and just
vi
Introduction
start reading (unless you’ve read it already, of course).
Many people were instrumental in this book coming
together and I’d like to thank them all; in particular, Tony (aka
Himself ) for his Trojan work collating the pieces, and Louise
Moore and Harriet Evans for their creative and meticulous
editing. Finally, I’d like to thank Ian Davidson for inspiring
this collection.
And thank you very much for reading this book. I sincerely
hope you enjoy it.
—Marian Keyes
vii