Toxic Parents

408 Pages·2014·1.28 MB·English

by  Susan Forward

Who are toxic parents?
The Inadequate Parents: Constantly focusing on their own
problems, they turn their children into “mini-adults” who take
care of them.
The Controllers: They use guilt, manipulation, and even
overhelpfulness to direct their children’s lives.
The Alcoholics: Mired in denial and chaotic mood swings, their
addiction leaves little time or energy for the demands of
parenthood.
The Verbal Abusers: Whether overtly abusive or subtly
sarcastic, they demoralize their children with constant put-
downs and rob them of their self-confidence.
The Physical Abusers: Incapable of controlling their own deep-
seated rage, they often blame their children for their own
ungovernable behavior.
The Sexual Abusers: Whether flagrantly sexual or covertly
seductive, they are the ultimate betrayers, destroying the very
heart of childhood—its innocence.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AS A
CHILD—BUT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!
Other Books by This Author
Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage
Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them
Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go
When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception
and
Betrayal
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear,
Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Money Demons
Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation

For my children
Acknowledgments
Many people made significant contributions to this work:
Craig Buck, a dedicated and talented writer, gave form
to the story I wanted to tell.
Nina Miller, M.F.C.C., a gifted therapist, gave unstintingly
of her time, her knowledge, and her support. She is also the
most loyal friend anyone could have.
Marty Farash, M.F.C.C., was tremendously generous
with his expertise in family systems.
My wonderful editor, Toni Burbank, was, as always,
insightful, sensitive, and understanding. I couldn’t have
asked for a calmer guide through my stormier creative
moments.
Linda Grey, President and Publisher of Bantam Books
who believed in me and my work from the beginning.
My gratitude is endless to the clients, friends, and others
who trusted me with their most intimate feelings and
secrets so that other people could be helped. I cannot
name them, but they know who they are.
My children, Wendy and Matt, and my friends—especially
Dorris Gathrid, Don Weisberg, Jeanne Phillips, Basil
Anderman, Lynn Fischer, and Madeline Cain—are my
personal rooting section, and I love them all dearly.
My stepfather, Ken Peterson, for his encouragement and
many kindnesses to me.
And finally, I want to thank my mother, Harriet Peterson,
for her love and support and for having the courage to
change.
Contents
Introduction
PART 1. TOXIC PARENTS
1. Godlike Parents
—The Myth of the Perfect Parent
2. “Just Because You Didn’t Mean It Doesn’t Mean It
Didn’t Hurt”
—The Inadequate Parents
3. “Why Can’t They Let Me Live My Own Life?”
—The Controllers
4. “No One in This Family Is an Alcoholic”
—The Alcoholics
5. The Bruises Are All on the Inside
—The Verbal Abusers
6. Sometimes the Bruises Are on the Outside, Too
—The Physical Abusers
7. The Ultimate Betrayal
—The Sexual Abusers
8. Why Do Parents Behave This Way?
—The Family System
PART 2. RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE
9. You Don’t Have to Forgive
10. “I’m a Grown-up. Why Don’t I Feel Like One?”
11. The Beginnings of Self-Definition
12. Who’s Really Responsible?
13. Confrontation: The Road to Independence
14. Healing the Incest Wound
15. Breaking the Cycle