Table Of Contentn<
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to
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726,425mind boggling
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Inspirational stories that
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patterns
that you’re shallow!
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IfilSaJI
tali
love stories
Don’t miss out! Pages
S9.9SUS S16.95CAN
and pages of hot looking
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Page2-TheToikeOike,VolXCVJI-IssueV,2004
:Editorial!
VolumeXCVII-IssueV,2003 Tbheeirneg’sangooendginneewesrinagndchbicakd.neTwhseagboooudt trhecaenpthievresetloftmhaeyiadcetauatlhlaythsaovmeesoonmeetohtihnegr
B1T70o4rK0oinnSgta'onsdOCfoNolrlMde5gFeSleR3moGia4ndg nctlelheaaawsststs:ftoiwsTrohneevobeerramayutoisrooenteooftcohhgfaionruolsss,1e:t2wfo.erobwmoTi.yhlsilsTihhnmaeeveeabanacashdt TfiWneAetmseallmlfeiaa.gvkeoDneutirdttouhyseooifuarfenerjdv.oebwrOsabwnvoetinaosdtuioeserrlheywjlhtuphsyteutsPhbreayocffhebsimeeaaivnlend!eg
tel:(416)978-2917 news: Practicallynoneoftheseso-called studentpopulationinengineeringhasbeen
fax:(416)978-1245 beausareanywhereclosetomeetingour steadilygrowingoverthedecades? Gender
e-mail:[email protected] standards. Sorryguys,ithadtobesaid. equality? Hellsno.Allthatfemaleengineer
http://toike.skule.ca . recruitingwasinitiatedbyProfswhowanted
But, luckily, this works to the female’s theirlecturehallstobefilledwithdelicious
Editor-in-Chief KevinAu adidsvtarnatcatgeo.urWiatthtentthieonlacfkroofmhoitmpgourytsantto aarreomwaisl,libnrgigthotlsemairlnes-,aandwewlicdoemeeyecshatnhgaet
Editoria]Staff ===== lessonsandtutorials,wearefreetofocus tothe B.O., unconscious heads restingon
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CopyEditors TerryLung thosefineassed Professors andTeaching blackboard for that oh-so-life-threatening
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LayoutEditor JesseKata-Totton in engineering. But there is one main wearethesuperiorsex. We’vegottheProfs
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AlcoholandCigarettes
54..MPeyteirma-Jgoisnsaerlyynf@rieTnhdeRNobeewrstpaBepaerr. 3. Shedropshercigaretteinyourbrandy-soakedlap.Whiletryingtoput ContentMeetings:
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TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueV,2004-Page3
BUSH ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCES NEW
LOCAL
CODE INFRARED TERROR ALERT STATUS
NEWS
BBIEFS
"Nosituationwillbesocriticalthatwewon'tbeabletorespondto!"saysBush.
PaulDabrowski&LaurentNoonan,ToikeSeniorWhiteHouseCorrespondents
unorthodox decision-
CANCER FIGHTING AGENT making methods, most
DISCOVERED INTONY ROBBINS’ notablyputtingagerbilinto
TEETH oneofhisintern’spants,and
drawingaconclusionbased
TORONTO- onwhichpantlegthegerbil
emergesfrom.WhiteHouse
ScientistsatOregon’s officials say this method
National Cancer alert, touted by pundits to likelyoriginatesfromBush's
Institute announced bethe “next logical step” in shadyhistoryofunderworld
the discovery of an protectingAmericanfreedom gambling, but would not
effective cancer- fromterrorism. comment on its success
fighting agent found rate in making prudent
in motivational ThenewCodeInfraredlevel decisions.
speaking guru Tony of readiness, which was
Robbins’teeth. The immediately put into effect Code Infrared also
derivativeRobiflavin, uponitsannouncement,isnow includesmanynewsecurity
which is similar in the highest level ofsecurity measurestothwartwould-
structure to Sodium Hypochlorite, is the alertusedbytheDepartment be terrorist plots. New
most powerful anti-carcinogen discovered of Homeland Defense. The defense strategies include
sofarinthequesttofindacureforcancer. termCodeInfraredoriginates hiring astrologists to
According to a statement released by the from the current system of predict possible terrorist
OccaaNnnCccIeerrlacfseitlglshw,teientkga,pspRootibeninttfoilaatlvh,ienab“noidddyen’tcsirfeniaeatsteustrhaela ctrohalenokuifrnosg,rmswetiratthehsCigoohfdeaeslteRretsdntaebtseesibnoygf PresidenptoiGnetoerdgseecWr.eBtaursyhohfodledfseancpereasnsdcgounifdeeretnoctehealsotnargssMiidesshiCslneoewlyap- aggcaatmmseesinsstutrchahteegafisusttCusirvei;tloizvaiptdlieaooyn
strategyfortheeliminationofcancercells alert. III, Medal of Honor, and
overa thirtydayperiod.” Robiflavin also has notbeen impressed by the President’s WarCraftIIIinordertodevelopsuccessful
helpscancerpatientsachieveagreaterlevel TheWhite House press releasestatedthat behavioroflate,whichincludesstayingupfor warscenariosthatcouldbeappliedinreal
offulfillmentineveryareaoftheirlivesand Code Infrared will be invoked whenevera hoursspeakingwithMissCleo,andrunning life; andtraining white wizards to aid in
helpstodestroypsychologicalbarriersthat foreignnationalenterstheUnitedStates. uptheOvalOfficephonebillunnecessarily. fightingmajorevildoersstillatlarge,such
wereholdingthemback. asOsamaBinLaden.
CodeInfraredmethodologywas developed “Sometimes George forgets that he can
in partnership with Miss Cleo, renowned justwalkintoCleo’sofficedownthehall,” Code Infrared readiness places a greater
MARS ROVERFINDS BANDANAON pBsuyschh,icafatenrdalornegc-etntimemeseptiirnitguaaltatdhveisWohritteo efoxrplsaoimneedrtehaesoFnirtsotiLmapdayr.t“aBduvticCeleoonliynsoivsetrs esemnpthaisntiesronsnatoirapodrotllsaecrusrtiotrye.PirneWsaisdehnitngBtuosnh
SURFACEOFMARS House. Main elements ofthis newdefense thephone.Shealsomakeshimlistentoa4 toobtainred-foil“magicfish”,whichallow
strategyincludeemployingpsychicadvisors minuteautomatedspeechonpaymentterms, officialstodetermineasuspect'semotional
SCARBOROUGH - The Mars Exploration to uncover evil intentions, such as those beforedispensingadvice.” state, based on hand temperature. From
RoverSpirithasdiscoveredthefirstpossible harbouredbyterrorists. nowon,anysuspiciouspersons
signsoflifeonMars,andtheyarenotwhat President Bush, however, attempting to board a plane
anyone expected. The Mars Rover sent “Wehavehired someofthe mosttalented maintainsthathewillcontinue willbeaskedtoholdthemagic
back pictures in which there appears to futureseersintheworld,”explainedBush, toutilizehisnewNSA. “Miss fishforaperiodofoneminute.
be a red bandana partially buried by the during a press conference this morning. Cleo and I are confident that Acurling magicfishindicates
Martiansand. Scientistsarebaffledatthe “Thesepeopleareworkingaroundtheclock together, we can increase our withcertaintythatthesubject’s
discovery. “Wedon’tknowwhattomakeof topredictanykindofterroristattacksthat window of decision making, bodytemperatureishigh,and
this,”saidNASAspokesmanJimHorner. “It mayoccur,sothatourcountrycanbebetter and prevent future attacks on byextensionthatthesubjectis
isscientificallyimpossibleforthatbandana equippedtofightbadguys.Thelastthingwe ournation.FromnowonIwill planningamaliciousattack.
tobethere,yetthereitis.” Manycrackpot wantisanother9/11.” not make anymajordecisions
theories are emerging as a result of the without first consulting Miss Ifsuspectsmanagetopassthe
discovery. One theory proposed bya Los BushhasbeenknowntoconsultMissCleo, Cleoonthepossibleoutcomes magic fish test, officials still
Angeles homeless person suggeststhatthe who has recently been appointed the new of what might happen,” Bush Victimhaving havetheauthoritytoburnthe
BloodsgangflewinaspaceshiptoMarstoset National Security Advisor, on a variety of explained. “The seriousity of failedthefishtest. subjectunderanopenflame,to
upacrystalmethlab. Otherspostulatethe important matters. First Lady Laura Bush terrorismisnolaughingmatter.” seeiftheycansurvive.
existenceofadangerousMartian guerrilla
striketeamlivingunderthesurfaceofMars, When MissCleowasquestionedabouther Many U.S. international airports are
wrohcoksa.tnMieghmtbcerresepoufpthteogCrlionutndEalsevtewlotoodstfeaanl fprreaduidctaltlehgeatfiaoinlsu,reanodfhwehryfsohremercouplsdychnioct nneocwklaaclesos efnorfoarlclinfgligthhtecwreeawrimnegmboefrsga,rlaisc
cwflaaunsbcdlorfuofbeprmpeaemddbibfeyfretrhJeeonthHniegxOph’lRaPelniaalityni.son“D.Trihf“etIyetrs,hh”ionsukaliiddt chitootuclloidmneinnogbt.usaicBntuetsosn,thmesyhfeudtiursrecesopvioesnrdyiendfe:ovrit“adIbalnesg;aewrI wsaelltltaoskeseuprrtohuencdoicnkgpiptilsoatfsewfirtohmeavicli.rcleof
sbsEitsocaitalsttlnthloewetnoshgmooeoodfis.awn”thrgie.psaSlkoaefuoyfsra.irbeNltmeeh,pvetebEyruatussnhitdnowevtoregeosustdnitgihsaymhtpaeiotloltenshsCelasainirndset oArhaeffnaitnrnedosmritusaonrrtfceuetcpedeet,driirvnootigrnhnicagstetthsahte.ehrPesrpepwassoicyrdecle-hdntitciiimsahelostacplfoaienrnedtfoirwnnoi,umlulmst.bhh"eee cfchBoooaunrunsfwndhiat!drr”ecdynotnallciyneldsuhdoa(ellniddntioenrutaghnleclyui)pnpgrie:hnsiss“tThlecheoefntpffaaepltrameelnomocffeftmhabicyyse
PresidentBushposeswithairportsecurity Bush hasbeen observedto resorttoother
withhistruth-tellingfish.
SUSPICIOUS UFOSIGHTING IN
OHIO Machismo Exhibited By Moving Furniture Alone
OHIO - Local
tOWHrUFoehelnepryitidobhiodreennetrgpeentOodsutlitidQchfeuaomiiluyaeanass.ndnnet wdoLftrroehieceeesarknsl,desrwsohSauftetrurncdoheemishnsetroenBmpeeJooverevfstrfieeldddeeSylaaoausSfttn2.dhw0iee0asrepksarl.brotiosmmmoeplnrittdeoslostaaehsdket jtlgFuiurhskyieetsen.‘sn'sOodthsah,HretIoescffomocurSoalglavodluiten,snddhgIeouhfrwsuasrvoonfesvfi.aett”yrourmeoavreoutnhdi.sdHreeswsaesr s“IatidrePaelrlryionn.ly“Bsuhtouhdefhleiliodvedldevnhdia’adsttnvato'oeertdr,vtioweeaonaaskrnnewutdnoappno.aeiuttfnretIwwohfteaouhrlrsospiu.eehrdlitsiHmh.tke,e"oe
ttWpPthhohiaaeserltstliriPmsbiaatlodmrrygrtsaentrnhiisgedanFegiagsdemmoiun“lpFsgTyaai.hp“mceeIirUTl.eohyFnmiliOnytFktMaeesrnxIpd.pehLHihcleCfotiiaeQlvrsanuuleosawbiicmotaYslnaihtsoaorhntouinheau”WmedssgisiibeesnnUtybsottoFtietvhihsnOeheaanata,ntesrgts wsSbd“o“mIJrouanaiteemtteudfsmencdfisutodhlengfhseretoit.reEttnrsohvhgrfeuea.uphrvptfaeytrhtHdieeboebed’oenmssidtedohnhjysnvovueiwsewlLst,tiheo”hktcdeovohreraweafewszotctidyuaohrtRlrolenmlaisuesokfysssevresamEierterneohiddntarncdthitpd.sgehS”ohemhtuorawnveimaserdnorsursvtintezvshot.,e,ero tJtwohhaomtilfhieinaoemiomnmsvSssnwegemeateeeai,ourl.sfrbinfvrteena.diiJdaeoceehnatanktrnegHsmodsdlteo,'imphatnneioJhonrgneiveonfPhdgsfciteeiafrtrthgslcfarhitelhuosibeisatrnu:oncsim,nUscuocimmi“htuhltseoaOsooutffntbiohenriTeyneldegeve HSaundersmovesfurniture-refuseshelp !rthmewtWbotopeoouohuhllrattvbiehptkieehio!ndernef'h:iefgaitwhrsshIoem“oekhrduforBmeeeolr.ved!nadice'venwfHatrn’yTrhusdethtisyeoihahyeobnishnaerjdneylvesikIlmecsra’eoteIsmadmswrfkwn,aeuh‘aynns.Gefnho'ee”oontetsstrf
wydttsehehhpitverisenectlaohisodschpt“ooiphpomaneotrmgysteiirltnnoooittccfvok.keettvcthhilseeboiedanrsite"smsc.golousaOfipnhshdDieeeaodsrvteacii”isdnt.eoyCuAcastopshcupsonhaicuerdisemylenesahtnalitdsyno SmCmplaioaounvdyndeedy,toebSwryghaseashteifuasrftneeftifrreum,inspetwenridhdoesnos..aswleladsobfayfleSsroasuonndofehrasan’sdsoibfsovtriaotnuhcsee owfsaaftanmedspiplustyhn.raec"ynhifdinelgnhlgitsdohobiewammncb.kaingrarHtvaehesesoabcuahttcuikam.lliynHaefcrctounhtsoeuodgfhmhtiesI scmdfeaiorernvoriemyynr°gsIou.knredeoaooctLhmtooaboiamskrtey,t-thoaaYaIpnotaluodrmitintyPtscmlrteeeaobnnbagtcacic,reabkl.rl.o"ryfkioaceryIod.tudhloardInnned'’ettleimnnekitevelieeertndseo
FriendssaySaundersmovedallhisfurniture
“He’sjust so pathetic," said Shaeffer. “He tohiscurrentapartmentbyhimselfinaspan DM
invitesallofusoverforsomeRaymond,and ofthreedays.
! ! ,
Page4-TheToikeOike,VolXCVJI-IssueV,2004
wim
Travel Talk,
PEYCORRESPONDENT.LOCATIONUNDISCLOSED
Why mukc3004T^aveler-s
Some engineers andnotscrewitup.Actually,management
decide to work isprobablythinkingofreplacingusallwith Welcometothenext(andlast!)installmentofTravelTalkwithMark.
forayear-their monkeys,assoonastheycansourcethem Travelingtheworldisbothanobleandenrichingexperiencethatany
“Professional overseasatlowcost. studentwiththemeansshouldseriouslyconsider. However,Intrepid
Experience Travelersshouldbeware,therearemanypotentialpitfallsforJohnand
Year”. This is First, they’ll bring them in as “helper JaneBackpacker.
oneman'sstory. monkeys” (because everyone could use
a helper monkey, right?), then slowly but Firstamongnoticeabledifferences between here and there is that
OR:15-Iwalked surely,theywillstarttoinfiltratethecoreof oflanguage. Whenyou’reinanon-Anglophonecountry,you’llsoon
into work this ourbusiness.Icanseetheirthoughtprocess: realizethatyou can’tspeak the local language. This willbecome
morning to Putathousandmonkeysinaroom,witha increasinglyevidentwhenyounoticeyourinabilitytoarguewiththemetropolicethat
be greeted thousand Windows NT workstations, with you'relost,confused,anddon’tunderstandhowtousethepublictransportationsystem.
with a sheer a thousandlicensesforAutoCAD, andyou
masterpiece. SomeofyoumaythinkImake willeventuallygetaproductsoperfectthat Now,noteveryonespeaksEngligh,butnevertheless,someformofbasiccommunicationis
allthisstuffup,butletmeassureyou,the ourstockswillgothroughtheroof.Sowould essential. Itisatthispointthatwehumansmustdroptothelowestcommondenominator:
followingemailisreal. “Madprops”forthis bananacropprices. inhumangruntsandwildgesticulations. That’swhereourlanguagecapabilitiesstarted,
guy,whoaddressedthefollowingemailtohis andthat'swhereyou'vegottostartifyouexpecttoorderstuff,likethattasty“linguine
entirecompany: AllIknowis,ifIeverseeazookeeperwalk funghi”onthecrowdedstreetsofVenice,thosetastymilkchocolatesontheimpecable
into our facility, carrying some wooden streetsofSwitzerland,orthattastyprostituteontheeverything-goesstreetsofAmsterdam.
> Subject: AS PROMISED... crates, I’m goingto take him outwith my (Hey,wheninRome...)
> stapler.
>>OpneeacetimoeutItwooualldllmiykenitgogassayand 13:42: MaybeIwasabithastythere.Who Oefffeccotuirvsee.meIa’nmsacotfuanlolny-vreerfbearlricngomtmoutnhiecUantiivoenrsfaolrLthaengvuerabgaelloyf-cShiganlsl.engSeidg.nsUnafroerttuhneatmeolsyt,
>>mhyas nbiegegnaeattefsuc!!k!ingwoerxkpienrgienhceer,e atrmibuItteotsotaonudrionfftihceewcualytuorfe,praongdresasc?tinAgsian efevaern.eIlteismeenxatcatrlyytfroarfftihcastigrnesascoanntlheaatdtthoicsasteaasstroonpehdictrfaavielluerrescoinmpciolmemdunaihcaantdiyond.anBduytngueivdeer
> which I would not even wish on the long-term interests of the company, foryou,thebright-eyedbushy-tailedwould-bestudenttraveler. Enjoy!
>> the dead!!! IS’hvoeudledciadmeodntkoecyreeavteermbyehoiwrnedptroocdeossmymajpo.b
>> ((nnaammeewwiitthhhheelldd)),,(nya'maellwitghehteldm)ad (mIortnhiinngk,tahneydwbeoryeweirnteetrvhieeywwienlgladrfeeswsedt!h)i,s §JU!eJ 2a6T
>props!!!!!! the work you do he/she/it can simply refer to this process Elderly men are free to Now,I’mnotjudgingother
> "herre" goesunnoticedandas all map, which summarizes everything one walk,swagger,promenade, cultures here, but some
> of you know is unappreciated!!!! needstoknowtoperformmyworkfunctions strut,and/orspeedwalkin culturessureseemtohave
> so all y'allz keep your heads asaPEYstudent: theseareas. Thislibertyis entirely different ethic
> up!! given only provided said systems-than ours. Still,
> men wear appropriate the “Universal Language
> (name withheld) can suck on my head gear. Top hats, berets, fedoras, and ofSigns” doesn’t lie, so don't shoot the
> chocolate salty ballz!!!!!! conventionaloldmanhatsareallacceptable. messenger. In these areas, men are
> Extrapointstothosewhowearmonocles. encouraged to walk with little girls, or
>Oh yeah, (name withheld) I boys. Preferablyhandinhand. Thegoal
> saw you that time with (name ofchildrenintheseareasistogetasmuch
>withheld) at Niagara!! good for free candy as possible. I believe these
> you, you're out of the closet!!! areasaremostlyrestrictedtomonasteries
> (thats for lying to me back in andchurches. [Ed:Ouch!]
> 2002) remember??????????????
>
> two words: I QUIT! H
> ©'ll' <A/ivii<£< 'VA^e^eeZ&'T't
> special thx to (name withheld)
> and (name withheld), real peeps Nothing is forbidden in Now this appears to be
> in a fake ass world!!!!!!!!! these beautifully corrupt a difficult one at first
> zones. Wallow in your glimpse. However, if
> "When one door closes another hedonism!Self-indulgence ourreaderswoulddirect
>opens, but we often look so and laisser-faire is the theirgazetothetopright
> long and so regretfully upon name of the game here, of this sign, its intent
> the closed door, that we do not kids. Eccentricbehaviourinthesepartsis becomes clear. This sign indicates that
> see the ones which open for us." smiledupon,evenencouraged.Youshould extremecautionmustbeexhibitedinthese
>Alexander Graham Bell haveseentheapplauseIreceivedwhenI very'violentareas.Inactualitythewarning
startedwavingmypenisattraffic! Ilove goessomethinglikethis: “Ifanyonestarts
Forhavingthecajonestosaywhatisonthe traveling. throwingtomahawksatyouoryourfriend’s
mindofeverysinglepersonattheofficethat head,runforyourlife. Runaway. Run
makes under $iooK, I congratulate you. 15:02- Therumoursaretrue! Ionceheard awayasquicklyasyoucan,andnevercome
Goodluckgettingareferencethough! thatthereexistsacompanysong,probably back.” Sordid? Maybe. Buttheworldisa
written by some preppy company-image weirdandwonderfulplace,nay?
10:37- Workisn’tallthatbad.Afterputting consultant, that puts shame to even our
your requisite 37.5 hrs a week in at the ownnationalantheminthe“warm&fuzzy
office,sometimestheofficeseesfittoshow feeling”category. Well,I’vestumbledupon ^PA'jje Ze.'ive
somegenerosity, and cuttheworkingman thelyrics! IwishIcouldsingittoyou,but
ss“mooymmseettesirlmyae”cskewvkietnnhotswa,nn(awafshteenr“ntoetoahnme-obefufx.ialcTdthiennsgae”tuarroeer twchhheoaitbre&sittswtIorciuanlgnds,dswooiuitsnhgdtihvleeikbyeeoau(tpsipcortomuveriedienakdlcbihynegetshoyef Nasrmoeoakwseorrasrr,ieesbhuSathveeronlnsolcykf,oirfthpyeiospuee §nrl« oImtrenisbetsotrnhiecoatlrld,y tfahonerybhiadcdnhedinlsdrfoeofn,r
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Ineverythingwedo to“postbailatthedrunktankandbring
Soundslikefun,doesn’tit?FortheFinance Thefutureofourcompany daddyhomeinawheel-barrow.Again. For
people,goingouttoacasinoforanafternoon Dependsonmeandyou thefourthyearinarow.”
of gambling really builds teamwork. But
for our overworked and underappreciated Investinginourfuture
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form,soevenamonkeycouldcomeintowork P-Dub shotbeforetheir16thbirthday.
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TheToikeOike,VolXCVJI-IssueV,2004-Page5
Analyzing Nale cJUt —
e I've Already Broken:
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2003,IrealizedthatIhadthesamehopes deep and endless depression, legal action
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1 AppliedPressure 1
Youhaveadream. Inthedreamyouaresittinginaheldotblueandyellownowers. iniront
ofyouflowsastreamwithmanysmallfishswimmingagainstthecurrent. Anoldmancalls
yourname. Hehandsyouabagofmarblesbeforefadingaway. Whatdoesthissymbolize?
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|
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betweentwootherpeoplewhoaregivingyoudirtylooks. Howdoyoureact?
:Apologizeforthetightsqueeze:
•Avoideyecontact:
:Kissmybicepsandintroducemyself,startingwithsurname:
*WhistlefirstpartofDuelingBanjos,playtheotherpartwithpantzipper:
:Whilebitinglowerlipandgruntingheavily,repeatedlyflex/un-flexassand
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Youhaveneverseenthiswomanbefore.Whatdoyoudo?
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periodfromtheshop./decidedtoterminatethestudyatthispoint. Detailedtestdataisavailable
forpeerreviewuponrequest. AlexWun
Page6-TheCosmopolitoike,VolXCVII-IssueV,2004
Ifyou’reanythinglikeme,andyou’renot,you there’snotomorrow,becauseforthiswoman,
mighthaveseenaPopPrincesslip-synching therewasnotomorrow. Sorrydear,it’sthe
atanynumberofseveralrecentaward,shows. priceyoupay fortryingtosteal myfuture
During this neat performance, you’ve no purchase.
doubtviewedherwearingjeans/pantsthat
madeherasscrackhangoutinaparticularly
unflattering fashion. Maybe you thought thejeanslookgloriouswhenIfinallygotthem
faporwroebaslofelmmee,etIoi’nnmgaymlosouo.mcehWneeatlpl,thsIaotdiitndh,oersbdeuetrwohtoeurlaecd’hslioetovhkee oshfoosmfhaerinaaysndgtlodasossanynweetdhactatlhltehameymiinlrofrorokorne?tdNodofr!tehIaandtffcuarlui'ell'hdugnok
this look, it was necessaryto go “Bargain
Hunting". Bynowshewasdead,andIbegan
Somepeoplethinkthatthe“hunting” to wonderifperhaps this woman hadjust
partofthisoft-usedcolloquialismisreferring accidentallybumpedintomeandI’dmadean
toanintensesearchforinexpensiveclothing. errorinjudgment. Thethoughtwasfleeting
In fact, it actually means, that when you however,becauseifIstoppedtosecondguess
wantthesamepieceofon-saleclothingas everywoman I’vehad tokill togetall the
thatuglybitchwholungedforitfirst,you're bargain clothing in mywardrobe, I’d have
probablygoingtohavetohuntherdownand nevermadeitthis far. Forgetthis “trying
killhertogetwhatyouwant. I’msorrygirls, on”crud;Idecidedtojusthopethey’dlook
it’sjustgottobethatway. Ifyou’renotman ive*' i-by-ochfv&d- as good asthey do on the aforementioned
enoughtodoit,turnbacknow. T\irnback PopPrincess. Thus,Iheadedtothecheck-
tw(oohriyscoehumrweisoltlveehrrapiufrnyitocueydoaurbeofufotorritgqheuteefsurle)satnbdoefctayhuoesuerguylioilfute tchaerghooupsaen.tsMaurechbatcoktihnesctyhlaeg,rbiuntonfomneythtehliegshss,, scahraerfpuelstnotteettho,tseoarIhinatdottohsetrjiekaensfaswti.tBheimnyg oimfuiytstoarureedsaos,n’wwtahcniotcuehndtwattoshesrfeeaeactstothnhraaebteltyphieuencceehvseecnoktf-fouIluD,t
fbicbrhneeiisetltantdleercapreodeenhds"oot,lfAae.wwngrhiaiIvanyafitgiynydeoygovuouie’iunrtrretoywtoonhleaiutetkBhr’kelesomsmUwoiebonrs,urisStdcitaheg.on.fentdthoiiooshpnnepcglayeopipwa“nuhgsgroaasi’vteneso toffBoohnarreresgteImaheaiep,nmolHciWbakuqiebeuncontotaursniutenssptrgoerosoenr™vxieefitcwcdroetaeauhssvnesataiaamr.grgpayncolzooeianmdmsmcpteulooramcrccpahielgaeeltltiosksisepntagatacrhreeeat ptokamnprheniioaadfnbnneiai,wowbninelgtI,aylhrtIeihoinswarnsaevgmselisiifrdnnkeatou.atoitnhnFeketgrsyrhatenlsIhkoeeglwheiy-barn,rlid’ithshsceeeehrtrnpraddmaaafenocuatdhtvgseho,hahuetesrreri.ornwibsodnrtueiemelaafyddd, yfwmIieohwntsaeaIltsnlfyoIlouurwgtdgorieDtoocditfrtdehwohueoatesahmmcpeehooefhjnwcfeosikeamt.!nnhcesTeohulaiotsonf,odkktiolhfdgleoclinoonegurnnrithesoiedeurr,sebtwowehauchetsaemiuntnsghie,enI
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they were only $30, which meant Id still hadsnappedundertheweightofa200lb.
hgwuaoyv.meaanWhfwaethw’osbsutechkeisms?sleItfotlohtcaokvaeepyspepesoatswteietdthhtehaenUonstiahcmeeerf jftehaaautnx-sfI(uhwrahcidocahbtuItIawomansebaproueprtlicyohhnao.slidniIgn,sglIoancmtomonecaldtutdthehides e*nmubamrbrearssmheasntabbeoeuntacchtuaanlgehudgetaossasvizoei.d
pair. No,notawoman,agirl. Andnotthe point),intoanadjacentrack,bothcrushing
“I’m notagirl,notyetawoman”, Britney- thevaguelyfamiliarwoman’sknuckles,and
Spears-lyric-type-of-girl either. We’re snappingthepant’shangerinhalf,leavinga AnnieUnnold
(above)Theperfectlowrisejeans?yuh-huhl talking pre-pubescent, and they have the sharpedgeformetowield.AndIwielditlike
MONTH
MOTTIIS OF THIS
16 Ways to Lose Those
Holiday Pounds Cory, age24: aharddayofget-
tingsweatyfromfightingevil Iloveto
,
sitdownwithahotchocolateandgive
jb.eBeunrmnofrate.efLfiegchttiivnegyourselfonfirehasnever 9.Startsmoking.Allthecoolkidsaredoingit. manicurestoallmyarmybuddies. Like,
2.Givebloodatleastonceaweek. 1t0a.kesS.toBpodnreindkeinnsgitmyilwkeiagnhdtsotyhoeurdcoawlnci.umin- youjustwouldn’tbelievethenumberof
3.Chopoffextrapenis. 11.MovetoEthiopia. brokennailsyougetfiringarifle. For
54..GCeuttaoffflbesrheaesattfiantg.dSitsaeratsew.itWhotrhkeltehfetoanbed.omi- 1c2h.airC.omEbnoou—gchhsaaiinds.aw,“amputation",wheel- BsuEreAbea s aiespttNb:
nalareafirst. 13.Throwupaftereating.
6.Leeches:thisancientChinesetrickneverfails. 14. Eatnothingbutcandyandcakeuntilyouget
scurvy.Loseupto50pounds.
7.Amputation. Unnecessary?Maybe.Effective?
Yes. 15.Becomeanorgandonor. TODAY!
8.Gethookedoncoke.Icanhookyouup,Iknow 16.Joinareligionthatdoesn'tbelieveinholidays.
aguy.
“He'scuteIguess,forthatmuscle “Doeshethinkwearinghisarmy "Theearthytonesofhisoutfittel!
bound,“I'minthearmedforces"look. beretalittlelopsidedmukeshim meheistheenvironmentalisttype.
Hey!Ifyouunfocusyoureyesabit lookartsy?Heisobviouslyfrying Thatblackmatchingaccessorysays
helookslikeanalien!*giggle*Those toachievethe"Ijoinedthemilitary thatalthoughheisdowntoearth,he
sunglassesarereallysomething... tofindmyself"look.Sorrysoldier, caresenoughabouthimselftospend
Sorrywhatdidyouask?...No,he'sa you'retoohighmaintenanceforthis timecoordinatinghisdaywear.I
littletoostraightedgedforme." mama." wouldtotallydatehim."
“Yeah,he'snotbadlooking.lielooks "Welltheuniformisobviouslyavery “Sweetride,I'dfuckhim.Doesthut
kindaupset.Woulditkillhimto nicetouch.WhenIactuallylookat riflehavea"vibrate"mode?Iprefer
smile?Helookslikehiswifeisinlove theguy,however(becauseI’mnot amanwithasmallergun.Theyare
withhisbestfriendandnowthey're intojudgingpeoplebasedonshallow easiertohandle."
runningoffwiththeirlovechildleav- thingsliketheiruniform)Inotice
inghimallaloneonlytogrowmore thathehaspudgyelbows.Aren't
andmorebitter.Ican'tgooutwith theseguyssupposedtoheinshape?1
someonewiththatmuchemotional wonderwhatelsehe'sgotconcealed
baggage.That'sprobablyuthyhehas underthere..."
thegun."
1 ,
TheCosmopolitoike,VolXCVII-IssueV,2004-Page7
f
e Oike Horror Stories sce&eseeg’ss
Going out and partying with your friends should be fun, notfrantic!
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likeacheerleader.Aroundmid-month,youwilldiscoverthevirtuesofwearingnothingbut
short,shortskirts:inthewintertime,thisisafail-safewaytoattractonlythemostsensitive
gEstbwiheuaegeqtirgulebwliaihnhdntseaghenvaroinoITnnodorgmtiebh.laaeoecwgWtoh:tsoeehodaewdfl/relohtsnroiiatvdamdeeeri.dtn.rwhtWeiMohsesyeasbpnewasmatiemuaodltyrlminefaabouhlnolaaiydtzddfterIredsefinpslietetsuninwfndotaogntrhstmhoomoguyuoiyrtgn.sdheAsr.tfemetnasMieistkyor’idroanbvbpgoeewryrhoiafitm.tlrgh.eiWeoeIewondteddogwoodtiatrredsiectweaiobdhdrtteetiohodngefhcotptIlooriylhgmoeeoablmarlbtrooaahdwuecnsnkddwodoiowmtouieehrtn aTT‘slaCtehhonhboarivdeersiseetensrc,rmhoat.sootnritlhSnimcarenteeyUag-hl,Ptai,ohfbEGwfoerpeeRramuoheryeeksdyrlon.,ahglu.y!etrh.a.hicTFwbes2hhoao7avborsyt-iuehuscdtf.bmgeatriahSonononndgOsms.st!UoothLbArhmRioeytiemv;tndwegaoaode:scyfuua:hysrrrfehoii1sdoun6nuf?urgtgrhlYvcM.ttdoerohCeyubendatresipcdbahrfmaiyfieilasynecientrto.NyhlWriSaaeonmigltarnhawRd6gktayoil7:ylneFs%seg?ou-Loafuo.WmtpVfnfobeepiadgr'ralffeueiarloltcyt,.rsiyswm:uMaoowntouoiMrlenlrfekesle,lsIsaylgskalo:iosnlyfriifotftteauteo)tlv're“otortSehuetoJpxerhbitsodetrrero;eagitprnystal.ogfoeaSicfcampneeemiecgrs.ctyheia”oitnm.
t-ionStitogaitkthe,ead/<la£onockeahnaldliwnidtohimngeshoalhfe-ancackieddenatnadllcyovkiecrkeeddinmetoiilnettowtahteerto!ilet.Wefinallywentback AbwthhhaaeaQardayUnddmAetsouorRppngetI,ltonUatdhlzhSiieeofno(uogarJg,vaphoersn,ruo.prsate2thnnAi0eddqt-iuufFlnetaeogeetbo,ti.ikctnsh1fpgtao8iehtr)rneltyWdfhowiarieuintnlesgetlnierdwlrlsvhf,o.earsrtsAeel’oenyiszdynoeoliusuewnrf’iagtlnjtloocwfbhihoaynafvootnueeuadtrrl:f,eyamstsoboshouuniclrtenoohgybmuis.ospsyeoinHfntsereliariytwneei'gnpoeesdasntpariwecknjcoahoilt!ebadhlenT-elrhhsy!yueoenrKucte'eoirensnedpgnjoywohoibebnlueetertk:stsIe.tr's
Y’ouGO.girl.Love:n/n.Work:n/n.Money:n/a.
Caught in the Act: IhadthebiggestcrushonthisguynamedTommy.Ilikedhimso
muchthatIwouldsometimesfollowhimhomeafterschool.Oneday,hestartedtalkingto
sHhmwlitoaeeea.iultwsaWkieanehnrsdoegspnwhfoeaeonIwirsepteamidlingaedtgoyhtetafehdontadroditotmhohcwieroeasonastlhtoenoaeedgunsdossdmeatiiseonhdas,ewiiwdadas“elatlWkhikshadoiohtngIoIgotpmlhorbieedeevbhtehwyedeiilenntlt.ddhwaeIorhmdpeideatmyo!onooiatIrufacs?wtkk"ebaeeresdossuiacstdhoneomdohhylawi.pmakI.pleydykWiseedtldnwhl’ah,tttoeawnfItatfhenteorhrthesgotcooouhtwsolnaeooeblonrokheueaoltirfwkbmteayhys.ae VQHwWffhf*ljl])QobcPatlifheiIskiemcSepnenoaCtmcuEihetfpeeySo.isecsre(iaa?tFndnieIgfeidtbytn’o.sowryaue1Hor''t9Iluerh-lraeBMstsaEungedrpoeRe.ieowNynrw2Aog-cn0uaeT)tvmcoIiepYonOb?hometNafuShsorlpeTirilpvtzIsuaieperMtnrgrdigEieenwtu!nghifnti!oBt,dsrhueLgmayorOonovrgottnelridht:sa-oohonnusyc.aedenistodaAc.ulnuBfritfdolfeerroydegomotaotmhaukoee'tscdsmcnlopheitfueikxhanetincrtneygafgommo,esuaenwt.stnaotimWtnotu.odo!raniYrbDnntroadogihuteislytdodaoeenSmnuas.opdbekesWorknnuovyectoeroeykwuplt:'tuhwoyvxenhoeublrouaeairptceeks
Money:spendit,youindependentcave-woman!
-Marij,15
Jane... GonetooFar: ItwasoneofthosedayswheneventhenewestJaneissuecannot sAopnRaItnEhkeSmr(yaMmaaprs.asg2ae1n-adAnpcdra.lml1ym9.)ecDZaiendussyh,oeucawkurnseeoawkyostuho'armteeiinhnasfvooormcaewfchuuenltnmurosenhste,hw..VarnAirteisseists!o!aYGMoiouddr-SomufopnWetarhr,B?istWhceholwils
cstehhraetieortuhsyeonuneeeuxdpt.obfKesisotnmdteahiglniirgkle-wtwoihumele-ndoubyteo.uSaigpneectresamohnyeaprlapsrepesnaotsusethsbsarideoanlkowcoikntehdytoahlulerlobifquJumao.nrec’aIsbkirnneeetc,woImImdweecanisddeeiddn gtcsrohhenoondsuaieltddpieibo.gnesWoahofnont'uYhsneoplnyraegeuaecrg.ehStdiK.enegntehtnpaetodywyon?ouu?rumsVdebioleonffr'litenonWanscpehpcarfaapegmecrpiefbaueytssepwtlbihaotiysnhikmnyigoonnuHg.tuhban.yntdMtthayhrokeoueCw'hriseenuegrirentlytehhoaeedumebkraees(ketitpshpseht,ryheaseinmcdailan
pJoarnnoedm’uysctdhsia!gyhTlocyrbeeragemic,no,tmIomnleeornc,kdeeexddfomlayinsatetiol-rf,aigfnianmcgyemsraeosrokummaansndudpepsyoneisfecfdreledyasmotsamkebeusntayiIelsagarlvsuee.doftfThhyeeonbu,ersItfsfawocaretlahasnetdd. cyJwhoaoeunrcrukkas.frrbySieeescnrthdgeoetcuahktnisstfimrHdooeonmtotfMShtto.uhfmeWfm!ob)ryo.ko.Lk;osvdteoo:crsekatictkhienbgeagsisncnoiun.ng.taol?lfmtMheoennemayor:nettyhroyuwrrhoseblbnaivtnehgse;yFt!hhroaesvwhe.htiThpheiiisrs
preventswrinklessothatyoucanpreservethatyouthfullook!Ifiguredifitworkssowell,I
mightaswelldrinkit. Idownedthewholebottle.Immediately,Ifellasleepinmyownvomit. TAURUS(Apr.20-May20)ThefactthatJamesBrownisuTaurussaysalot.Sothismonth.
TtehllehneerxatbmoourtniihnyglaItaeswtockreusfhe.eliOnngtrheefrweasyhetdhaernedIrceoviutladlihzaevd.eOsfwfoIrnweenvtertyoomnyewBFa’ssghaowuksientgo fdocoarcnauctse?otAnilrlioymuopnurdofveteihlnegb8etylhto,euryr.osuDc'iorsreceufsoesenlpitanhrgetsygoaalfhafocittliiacaitnfi'outnn;nkao-rooe-nmyeeotcuearan!GsPetutot-pUoypn-oluyirocugarrnosoourvnegaltGaresaistne-.sDSoaowmni-
awwtoorrmsek.eedIwatthsoootuwhgeahlttl.wthhIeehnaanBtdeict-ukagryinfneigndaslielntyrouoapmegmniueasdntthfheeartvdueoso!rreI,atlswlhyaesweoxsrcokleaemidbmaweredlrl“a!oshLsiimtntygle.gdoidWd!hIaYkotun'worawessiotehvliaekndet eNdanotcwionounrl,aikgceeauiyts'oseuyyrooufurrigjeuontbds.stMtooogncieovyem:einFautbonoktahriedsfaaenvnedirn.cthDeirilnlga?atsiLoyonvoaeul:hcOeuhrardyeeonacvhye,!rytoheubgootrdiet.rWtoorGkr:ooGevte
wrinkly!"1wasmortified. HowcanIevergooutinpublicwithwrinkles! Eversincethen
allmyfriendshavecalledmeAbortedAbigail.
GEMINI(May2i-Jun.20)Withthenewyearuponus,itisimportantforyoutotukealook
-ASiegi/,2D aWitnhtyaootuMratrhpecrhifo.urciSkto?i,e1s..jt.uohisiltsgmmoado.ndtewhha.lolMrtoehoaaltdlyyupcV.aerNneosub?soIedmnyteecaransr,eyshoouanrbeossutitlgyny.omAuirrde-pyrmiooournittthiaeksai.nngdI'tvwheiiljslussrteeribigeoneuosnlny?
Wmhyorcrruisfhiewda!s:goSionIgwteonbtettohmeryef!rSioenId’sspeNnetwliYkeeafri’vseEhvoeurpasrgteyt.tiInwgarseatodtya.llIydeexcciidteeddbtoecwaeuasre isnhuftorumpe.dWtohrakt:V@en$u*s%&h@as#$e@nt!e!r!e!d!t.heMMoinnedy-:NBuImTbEinMgEl.vPointlessHouse.Fuckthis!Love:
myfavouriteminiskirttobefestivewhichendedupbeingSUCHabigmistake.Allnightmy
friend’sboyfriendwasreachingupmyskirt!IwasTOTALLYhorrified.Ididn'tknowwhat
Atondyow,asyoIIjuwsatitperdetaennddewdaIitdieddnf'otrnomtiycecrwuhsehnetvoesrhhoewduipd,itb..u.tprwohbeabnlyhenoftintahlelybedsitd,sthreatweagsy,! CANCER(Jun.21-Jul.23)Ahh.Unfortunately,thisisaterminalillness.
muchtomyannoyance,TOTALLYwearingthesameskirtasme.Aargh!!Iguessthat’smy
problemforhavingathingfortransvestites.Ohwell.HappyNewYear!
-Teresa,21
DO YOU WANT TEETH LIKE LEO(JuL24-Aug.22)Hothere,comrade!Thismonthwillfindyouhappyandhealthy.All
yourexamscoreswillbecurved30pointsinyourfavour...huzzah!Youdeservesomefun.
Don'tbeashamedtospoilyourself!Sogooutandgetadraughtofthefinestale.Spend
THISF theeveningwenching.You'veearnedsomerecreationtime.Celebratethefactthatyou're
3 AWESOMEandenjoyyourmonth!Love:Aye,you'llseemanyabonnylass.Work:Don't
youdare!Money:A-plenty.Wench,moregrog!
VIRGO(Aug.23-ScpL22)Thevirginisn'tonlyyoursignthismonth;it'syourlifestyle.
Therereallyisn'tanyoneintheentireworldwho'sgoingtogellessactionthanyouare.It’s
tobereally,reallybad.Don'teventrytogooutandpicksomeoneup.Itwon'twork,
estionistogooutandfindyourselfahobby.Tryknittingorshuffieboard.You
thatwillcomplimentthefeetthatyou'vebecomeanoldgeezer.Buyyour-
Thehighpointofyourmonthwillliearoundthe12th,when
findaBuyOne,GetOneFreesaleonapricots.Waytogo,Agnes.Love:Aahuhahahalia-
yeahright.Money:JustthechocolatecoinsyouwininBingo.Work:Sony,old-timer.
Whydon'tyougositintheparkinstead?
LIBRA(Sept.23-Oct.22)He.iltHandbEautypLanetVenusandcoyNePtuneputyouin
thespotlightthisMonth.mEaningattenTionfromtHosearoundyouwillbEatanall-time
INTRODUCING A NEW hftiRhgeihen.iknYagibpYopouetue!yuoApunrtdoodlfildisrfctri,ipaelniNdndse,dmteSheAottuugalhRl.nsYomr'otosuv'oELfsLnobeuewt,inoifnctyhooarurersMtrieonlvGaeTrpideoronipsvlhEei..psDzoooynoneu'Tollnfobtrehgeette9tmthpO.ted
togooutandhaveaball24-7.Makesurethey'reupforittoo!Love:isintheair.Work:
PRODUCT BY COLGATE. Onlypromotionsforyou!Money:isforspending.Thinkshoes!
SCORPIO(Oct.23-Nov.21)Right.So,youdidn'tdowellonyourexams.Don’tsweatit!
NAGTOUWRIATLHLTOOHKE!!! JWgiSlIttiaoro''vsnrosipeukuonuaga:nnlsllrdayWyyt.uiosuhpiGuspaooallttlmfhdbyreeaeooInmuabkmcrnoohsayhxn,.ewtgoratoherayo,l!aodkbffoIwnlntyie'a!estxnhwtntWeiysoblmtoeweebugp!lirt.anonnLnMgokieoevenwntetge:s?ysy.qoTY:uuhSoireorFusrriereyenl'lomdfs-ueofnrrpremsliiweenKnnwdeoditieslymgl,psoek.awfrinasAscd!rkpneamdbAdcaneuisyynpkionacutihongboaeryutaenhtouage?utteiYbacfyrogiuiotualgyu'ihQnrlt.fueiikesnDteeidooTdnnooeo’'ronsotloftdPnwlhatoiterorfoekr,.!bye.
YELLOW TEETH™
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inTITwhenhelikesliddownthestairsonashieldandtotallymessedupthoseoresat
TOOTHYELLOWER tMEhimed*db!loe!t-tEToahmre?t?hh.?otAOnAhoAsm!1a1!nLcotavhnea't:twOwaaRsiLtSAuOnNtOiDlOOtchBoaotLlmOaoOnvdMieITthAoetK'asElliynMtwEhiitNnhkOBhWre.a'sdWlPoiikrtetkt:(hOeI'MlhlGodt)otecasontmyetelhfsiionnugt.
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Page8-TheToikedike,VolXfcVII-IssueV,2664
'Tobl
'GDfiere is tfie c&ove? Bn.y.M71e/ri-Lri:ngnClhen IffoiA-
Dawn,Mondaymorning.Maybeitwasnoon. Idonotaskforacompleteremodelingofour Remember when you were little and you used to follow your
ItogrmoyggrielsyibdeonacredeldobtbhyewehleerveatoIrcotoulgdogdraobwna couflstuormaelldeexsiccroinp.tivJeusctl,aupseershaafptseraenveardydointei’osn ptarruestnitnsgatrhoeumndw?ithReymouermbliefer?Dthoinykoiunrgetmheembwoerrlbdeloifevtihnegmevaenrdy
coffeeandbeginmyday. LittledidIknow favouritecussword. Forexample,whycan't wordtheysaid?Well,that’sbecauseyouwerestupid.Youwere
thattheconversationIoverheardthatnoon thestandard“fuckyou”befollowed by vulnerableandyoungandtheytookadvantageofthat.Your
wouldchangemylifeforever.Intheelevator youfesteringbuttsore”or“youovergorged parentsliedtoyou,man!Timeandtimeagain...Thelies
wasafemalestudentandwhatIassumedwas abomination"or“youcrustymuckrake”? mayvaryfromparenttoparentbutherearesomeofthe
herboyfriend.Shewasinquitetheflusterand mainones:
yellingathim.Thesewereherexactwords. For centuries, sages have urged that
“Youaresuchafuckingmotherfuckingfuck happinessandharmonyisfoundinquality 1. “Beyourselfandpeoplewilllikeyou.”Notheywon’t!Think
face!Fuckyou!Whythefuckareyousucha not quantity. This old adage pertains to aboutit.Whydoyoulikeyourfriends?It’seitherbecausetheyhave
fuckingfucker?” insults goddammit! For instance, “Fuck moneyoryou’retryingtosleepwiththem,isn’tit?Don’tlie!Now,
you, you bombastic bastard of countless therealquestioniswhydoyourfriendslikeYOU?
Ifeltempty.Ittookawhilefor fetid personality flaws and
metorealizewhatitwasthat overlapping layers of acrid 2. “Beautycomesfromtheinside.”Thatdoesn’tevenmake
hadcausedthisdespondency, odors” is far more effective sense!Whendidyouseeanyoneoozeoutbeauty?Never!Haveyou
then it hit me like a curve thanrepeating11fuckyou,you everheardanyonesay, “Man,thatgirlisbeautifulinside”?No,no
ball. The conversation I stink”! youhaven’t!That’sbecauseit’snottrue!AndI’veseentheinsideofsomeoneandbelieve
overheardintheelevatorhad me,itain’tbeautiful.Besides,theyonlytoldyouthatbecauseyou’reugly.
demonstrated a momentous Thisphilosophycanbetaken
deficitinmodernsociety. We tothestreets. Forexample, 3. “Itwasn’tyourfaultmommyanddaddysplitup.”Yesitwas.
havelosttheabilitytoinsult you aredrivingon theroad
oneanothereffectively!After and get cut off. Just roll 4. “Thosekidsmakefunofyoubecausethey’rejealousofyou.”Jealousofwhat?
thefirstorsecondfuck,what down yourwindowand say Yourlopsidedheadandyourgargantuannose?Haha,yeahsure.Getawayfromme,you
doesthethirdorfourthfuck "listenyougrotesqueexcuse freak.
mean? Itwas a momentof Above:Anangryperson for ahuman being, you are
sobering recognition,onethatcutthrough nothingbuta maliciousbacillus spreading 5. “Wejustwantyoutobehappy.”Thenwhydidn’tyougetmethatpony?Huh,Mom?
mylingeringhangover. destructionbycuttingoffdecentlawabiding Aponywould’vemademehappy!Younevercared!
citizens.Youcannotbelateforworkbecause
“How can you judge the quality of an what imbecile would employ an obvious 6. “Youwereanaccident.”Ohwait,thatone’strue.
era?" I asked myself. I tell you, it is not sanctimoniousingratelikeyourself. IfIhad
by technological advancement, it is not aridiculouslylargeanvil,Iwoulddropiton 7. “Youcanbeanythingyouwanttobe.”Whatifyouwantedtobeatime-travelling,
by the presence orabsence ofpeace: the youandyourjalopy fromahelicopterand lawpracticingkangaroowithamedicallicense?Canyoubethat?Canyou?Canyou?
definingcharacteristicofagoldenageisthe turnyourcrushedremainsintoamodernart
cinosmuplltesx.itOy,hsspheict!ifiWcietyaraendonsitnhceersitaymeofletvheel tphiaetceoncaelliesdal‘iJtutsletitcoeoDelloinvgeraendd”’“fuckmyaoyube” d8.idn’“tYwoaunrtfaisshtuipsijdufsitsh!slIeewpainntge.d..aupposniyd!eDdoon’wtnyoaundgetatitt?hDeasmumrifta!cIesoafidtPheONwYa,temro.m”!I
asfilthypeasantsinmedievalEuropeliving would bejust fine. You must have a little PONY!P-O-N-Y!GOD!Youneverlisten!Ihateyou!Ihateyou!Ihateyou!
among heaping piles ofplague ridden rat discretionaryabilitywithinsultsespeciallyin
carcassesin multi-huedcesspools offeces. traffic. Techniqueisnoteverythingthough, 9. “Thereisnomonsterunderneathyourbed.”Goahead,tellthemwhyyoucry
Indeed,weareatanalltimelow. whatismostimportantissincerity. Ifyoudo yourselftosleepatnight.
notreallymeanit,yourinsultisworthless.
Insultsonceconsistedofcomplexextended 10. “Weloveyou.”
metaphorsthatcateredexactlytothevictim Herearesometipsonhowtoconstructan
oftheverbalattack. Intheclassicworksof effective insult that you can practice on
HomerandShakespeare,itisnotuncommon familyandfriends.First,don’trelyongeneric Sonowyouknowtheawfultruth.Nextmonth:whynoonelikesyou.
forasingleinsulttolasttwoorthreepages! fallback terms such as “fucker”, “idiot”,
Theimmensethoughtandtimespentoneach “moron” and other overused expressions.
insensitive, merciless phrase demonstrates Zoneinonexactlywhatpersonalitytendencies
that they cared. Our modern society has oftheindividualoffendyou(iftherearealot,
reducedthisartformtoafewstockphrases zoneinonthemost importantpersonality
ofmonosyllabicbum-fodder.Ourinabilityto trait you can’t stand) (Ifyou are unsure,
customizeandelaborateontheshortcomings makealist). Letthegoalofyourinsultbe
ofothersshowsthatwearealienatedfrom thecleararticulationoftheirspecific,oneof
eachotherinwaysunprecedentedinhistory. akind,personalflaw(s).Theywillappreciate
Weindeedarelivinginanageofapathy. that your insult is more thought out and
personal.
Caseinpoint. Afriendofminecalledmea
“pussy".Yes,Iwasinsulted,butforthewrong Knowtheirinsecuritiesbeforeyouunleash
reason. Didhenotcareenoughaboutmeto the beast. Target them directly for a
makemyinsultalittlemorepersonal?Maybe, deep demoralizing effect. You want total
takeafewmoresecondsoutofhisprecious destructionoftheperson’sidentityandself
timetotailoraninsultsoprecisethatIwould worth. Of course, you will be prompting
beforcedtolookwithinandre-asseswhoI themtochangeforthebetter! Putyourown
was?Inabetterworld,hewouldhavesaid personalspinonyourcreation.Afterall,itis
somethinglike“Youareaspoiled,selfish, yourwrath.Ipromiseyou,ifyoufollowthese
utterly useless and undeserving miscreant instructions,youraffrontwillbesopointed,
wholivesoffchildlaborwhileyou naively preciseandpainful;itwillfallunderthelegal
sailthroughyourteenyearsonyourparents’ categoryof“mentalabuse”.
moneywhichtheyofferfornootherreason
thanthatyouaretheirun-chosenoffspring Startnow!
anddespitealllogic,theyhavetoloveyou.
Also,youshouldstopcuttingyourownhair For more in depth suggestions, visit my
becauseyoulooklikeroadkill.Itisapity websiteat www.bloodynose.com
theydidnotshiftintoreverseandputanend
toyourmiserablelife.” Whycanpeoplenot Alsoauthoroftheselfhelpclassics
insultmethewayIdeservetobeinsulted? “HowtoLoseFriendsandInfuriatePeople”
Wfahcee”ntmhaytftrelilesndmcealtlhsamtehead“opuesssnyo"torcoan“sfiudcekr Taenedns”“Seven Habits of Highly Defective AtWeb Mastaz,We DevelopWebsites,
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COMETASTETHEADVENTURE
TheToikeOike.VolXCVII-IssueV,2004-Page*)
INTERNATIONAL Hovy fo Yowr Lecture Cuflt
NEWS BRIEFS WithKatyHoward
iHnavcleasysourebceenetnlyh,abveicngautsreouobflethcaotncreeanltlryatciuntge 2 cFaotrcthhese,motrheesgtuumbbomrenthorodignisorgaennterparlizley kandoawte,!aphonecallisthenextbestthingto
BAM! EGMUENR-ILPORlwMLrIauaoIOsNgbytABobTsMetBinodIEiwhgDaihastns-AdcbTaorErbnumetaeaafrttltiehlelneyr gutpdr1uneoosyawoumnfirnaAlceittolodyavotmeotsefhaousheshirernToefaftloOwnleesrorIdcuotestbKrosnturtEbalrmeegeeiphas?ngeakmeitaseeonatApagtesryuidnheoyttlshuoybtyirueooomrftghmu.ehilaotnrettAvhctdioteetrrwrh?uaesrdcisoyetmWomooibefunmedalgrebublpyereofpooi.iaiieuunnnlngrrtg- ybhfbbatoooulanorubocdhwbrwkialstbwhebeepaaloffuildritfebylntdecbhogyiceslueiet.er’him.svaaev.eennStw.HddhheabAao'lntctaluFotlshlowhsskrdobneosem.httmocphhgieamiiomWnysseopohoeotktaueioynaernnekneditp,egpnohuhhstypteieemoohtowauewdiilriollnborleoliheulnstfadaag,srlrlns,oleyskdwynatltslaiyuebinnoaciziodkunkgenf yhhib4ilnoisotumtoacuthiatpIbtninefosytnctwythlllhieaehoaecsopuismst.nrpe,ue.rsfooaeIsatuf.cv.htcyoeiousTLrdurahoe’itiinmrtedsteereea,iaclfsnsolweaafyedhpflsokekeiuniennnr'gnetos-sychwafokoaiouplrnryiedtoksotwinulthoaereutyntldhec,paetoxorsfwhtitfgianoeetmypgeto
filming his show. (perhapsseveralpenslater)hewillhaveto notime!
firstguytoreachmeyelo“mluAeytsdso“fcoBaonrAnoMwa!thsh”eIeryrreie.gachctaT,hmheaeeds gctNihhOveaTenfEaco:ienle-tsoabTfahfelictuskottaeemrnnesdytuohrnuoeortdyieocymueeralyydaoasuth.neiosntTghasainulsdcwcaigesyissgysg.olbueer, 3 Iifsforyowofautrerdn.tenneCacacesisutsayallrstyyilwlthohiabssepne’artiplniagtitldientomfofo,hriiest yNoloOdu,TybEyo:.uMPdoaenrk’metawsnauenrnettthonieumrsveteocdhofaafvmeeaeagaetscliaesarnstototornaeetmuleremnctbouenr.re
tkhihecekpgiunrngo.cuhnedTdhthemeyeyggioanttthmheeryefdawcaaelr.loeutA,nfdtcerarenddIitwstacasarrtodensd tsehuxacttcreaysospufeuanlnhdaanyndoduiyrtpiisennaceagxsoiesotd.heidAdeloaseost,no’etxkceenesopstiiavcnee thhiiasspeaptlrtaeeycnbtoaircodkne.rduBdreuirsniugnrgcelatlsoesc,itnaucrsleuwdeselhlyooualusdrdundrarimanewg lnIfeocratmlularleelltysoelaetfactitelunsrd,e,,siaemnvpedlnystishttotaisnlegkitnhngaetxhtyiomtuodfohrnio’mmt
andrecipes.” Emerilswearsrevenge. “This eyelashflutteringcanbehazardoustodating andphonenumber,andhewillprobablygive shouldgetyourmessageacross. Themost
ain'tover. Igotagoodlookatthatfirstguys success;ticksandseizuresaregenerallynot youacall,evenifonlytogetthenotesforthe importantthingtoremembergirls? Acourt
face. NowI’mcookingupsometroublefor sexuallyattractivetraits. sectionoflectureyouruined. Andasweall dateisstilladate!
thoseguys. It’s nosecretIamhandywitha
tkonicfaervaendthwehmenupIlfiiknedatThhosaenkgsugyisviInagmtugrokienyg. Give me back my face!
RevengeisadishbestservedcoldandIhave
someexperiencepreparingthisdish.” Asit
tcausrenshoeuitsEumnearbillehtaoslaocraetceitpheoisnemrienspdojnussitblien ADESPERATEPLEATOTHEPICTUREINTHEAC
fortheattack.
Recipefordealingwithit:
“Letragesimmerforthreetofourdays....then
BAM! Let it explode everywhere; friends,
family, enemies, strangers, co-workers.
Anddon’tstoptillyacan’tseerednomore."
*Theremaybealotofcleanuprequiredafter
makingthis*
GREENLANDSINKSOCEAN
LEVELS RISE
GREENLAND - You may remember
Greenlandasthelargestrategicallyplaced
islandonaRiskboard. Youmightrecognize
it from the humorous anecdote “ Isn’t it Left:MeiLing, Right:thepicture
funnythat Icelandisgreen and Greenland
TtowapcolsiBrsroefurfeioenavurlenrnGdegrafiditnsrlititciie.iescesciyncreatqeao?gtNltnu”unslCooibaseglynowprnhOap,tprde,cttHrnhieasoaheahsdakwyfwetetsel,iaeahro.stei0nwfutsGsociihdT.uorre.ihsh0nnrMseveeeG0rwkee,avr.4natneeectmlsvayUrCeoesamonoomonno,lwudnftbwfidasfelinMmwllsnhnwd.lshiieeie’.uosvFltasdSnrlerhnekvoareid.iIcnmhoncnidacaehntesgouiFvateopssnievhrilefosiWnemcaadsemhadancerteyrothmdetiaarceemioo’ssameraenvnnttnaaanrgaeeiidnn.tdylcrrc YYyygnpaIeswoiianomovohduvcsyiuueouo.eettlrn.nlhe.’hetiffikttsahaoWentbnvicrefwtguaeneola,hpcaklcywiigtkb,eendoynou?ahknoyoortoofsuossdstVr’wuIw.eoeera.’’.at.ermvmyliIa.se.eysosnkt,AuoooehInnnct,tal’dyloehsodeiIhwow’vodittdlaeyklhd,royIiioie,tg’n,n.nusoimeggiruvIya,tsestnolmmfliboiuuyeyebnkutnoageet.uunapwgguumt,lheIotttpoeylor’hi.tl.tsgasfotoAtetuthf.gIetoslioearturmrdIlleaasteoeeaps’tnamlshho’stiiy,erattaont jtwanGaIaaPFuthnlhonohowseiyoowrsedthatntr.aoiashkhearkllmeiYel,nenettnorgyIhbohoguaioafuek,w’nlvtanytvrnseec’eIeetIoerm’ahth'?ewwmbdaheomhyteMpeosyw’.resyma’suoenYolylrjyuhtoloumebtauwnsmfeyedl'ygetaioo.racpgsntauoeeoroohmD’kpnitpiotbrhiunnlaraemclatLgc'eoeaevrktI-brm.eetb.waK.yaehlhbIeElYo.eufolalouerIybyruNs-eew’wnanteo,ieveaiiymnerdrcnesoegeeetdfhmidfatiatfab.teooldalsonnficsomdsisnemniitettgidlaefflbleeoaooale.-ylrrr.t TSWhTuSeuuWMnardeodtessnnauFddeeydrraasd:iayykdadys:Fayal::ry:Tye:MoPye:SAouauPnpObrnolrpEpoReerVeluvssiTnl&.sSeoeeMuMosnidCaEs&rksvoette!emdPinsarneNtiiiydsclsyees
is,it’sstillmyface!Youcan’tjusttakeitand
INTERNATIONAL DRUG LORD notgiveitback! I’mnottryingtocondonewhatyou’vedone 229 College Street
REUNION BIG HIT I’ve had that face for 18 wonderful years. gheorien.gtSotesatelailn,gstiesalstailblikweroonrgs.omBeutthinifg.yoTuh’arte ("CE" on Campus map)
People know me by that face. When they wayyoucan’tgetcaught.Imeanyouhadto www.ein-stein.ca
sheaengtihnagtufapcethtehreeyonthithnekAoCfmweal.l,Nsomwilyionug'raet hstaovleemkynofwacne,Iriwgohutl?d'vefoundoutthatyou 4 6/59-STEIN
everyonewhopassesbywith MYface.You 1
know how many people passyour picture I’mgladwehadthistalk.Ilookforwardto
everyday? Well, neitherdo I. But I’m sure gettingmyfaceback. Justleaveitoutside BEER*WINGS»POOL»JAVA>NTN
it’salot.Andthosepeoplearegoingtothink EngComatmidnight.Someonewillpickitup SPORTS»MUSIC»QBI ‘SPIRITS
jtuhsattciatns’tmehauvpetthhaetr.esImidloni’ntgwatantthepme.opAlnedtoI later. MeiLingChen C0MCDY»IUKE80X»EVENTS
COLOMBIA- Druglordsfromalloverthe
world convened in Colombialast Saturday
inwhatwasthelargestreunionofitskind
in history. The day of fun and nostalgia
included ascavengerhunt, water-gunfight
and mini-bowling ally. Every time one of
thebossesgotastrike,theallylitupandan
electronicvoicesaid “you’rethekingpin!”.
Thegreatestsurprisewasagiganticdump
truckcarryingtonsofsnow.Sincemostof
theguestswerefromhotcountries,theywere
delighted.“Ihaveneverseensomuchsnow
!”chirpedtheassassinandfriendofthelate
drug king Pablo Escobar. Keith Richards,
wholaterpreformedsongsandthenhanded
out loot bags, voluntarily drove the dump
truck. Onceallthesnowhad“melted”guests
boardedtheirprivatejetsandwavedgoodbye.
Attendeeshopetomakethiseventanannual
tradition.
r
» -
Page10-TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueV,2004
Torpastepisodes corqnieritary,pleasevisit
tittp://ir\dividualutoror\toxa/kev
5:TheRoad
Warrior'sCode
^TtbhaepiSmoefllanoferdeijenseel,a,itdhe
thelonjroadahead This
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v/arrior.Anevolutionof
thecowtoy• Hov/willour
herofareagainstthisYdnd
ofopponent?
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