Toike Oike, volume 87, issue 3

24 Pages·1998·1.8 MB·English

visible minorities my get mad we wear it as a badge of
and say that we chose the way honour. We would also like to
that we look, while they had ask that you not refer to others
there traits forced upon them as “Freaks” unless they are
at birth. However, I can say members of the “dark” culture.
with all honesty that I did not When you call the country
chose this life style this life music fan a “Freak” you
style chose me. And I feel the demean us more than you could
need to remind everyone that know.
20 years ago the world thought As for us as people we are
that gay people chose to be that quite polite and respectful if
way. people are polite and
While I’m on the subject of respectful to us. I have never
Greetings and Salutations. the “dark” culture I feel it is had a problem with any
Welcome to the October Issue of my duty to inform the normals members of the “dark” culture.
the Toike Oike. Those who
at the University of Toronto The only problems I’ve ever
know me, and those that can
that the politically correct heard normals have had with
read a calendar will be shocked name for members of my us has started because the
to know that there is no mention culture is “Freak,” not weirdo, normal insulted us.
to one of the most holy of days crazy, psycho, bizarre, odd, So please, I implore you,
All Hallows Eve (Except of
someone you wouldn’t want to treat us “Freaks” as you wish
course for this article). When I meet in a dark ally, dangerous, to be treated, and we will do
was planning out the schedule of or strange. We have taken the the same, and the world will be
Toike release dates I made sure word “Freak” as our own and a better place.
that there would be a Toike
coming out before All Hallows
Eve. I was going to make it all
dark and scary and fun for me.
Then I realized that this is a
humorous publication and
I
would have to make fun of the
culture that I hold so dear. I
parodied religion in the first r urn.
issue, why couldn’t I do the same
for my “dark” culture? For the
same reason that I couldn’t in treat peer.
good conscience do a parody of
gays, black, or women. While
Christianity is in the majority u/ld
and therefore fair game,
minorities do not have the
weight of public support on
there side so a parody of them is
not a parody but an attack.
Members of the “dark” culture
are persecuted for there taste in
clothing and music. Members of This space graciously donated by the darklord
2 TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998
COVER STORY
Drago Banovic banished from Engineering once and for all
Pages 6-9
Toike Oike Emperors
:
matt darklord lenner komp 2e3
SPECIAL REPORT
Desmond “Der Kommissaar”
MM
Chem
Clivio
According to a recent test this years FIrosh are the dumbest
ever Pages 10-13
Contributors:
Vera Kan, Andrew Klochek,
Dave “Captain Morgan” Perry,
Robin Smith, Ken McNeil, SALVATION
Malcolm Mcgrath, Chris Peers
Rishi Gupta and anyone else i Within the year Bill Gates will rise up and lead us into
missed. salvation Pages 16-17
Ads Manager:
Dave Perry
SAC SCANDEL
Communications Chair:
Julian Dunn Chris Ramseroop gets a woman?
Page 15
Special Thanks To:
God (Julie Wilkinson), Weller
Publishing Co. Raymond PERSONAL MESSAGES FROM THE EDITORS
“Computer God” Kwong
Hey, just because he gets two pages and I only get one
Information: doesn’t make me any less important.
The toike oike is a (not so) darklord Page 2
monthly publication of the Der Kommissaar Pages 22-23
university of toronto
engineering society and
generally has a circulation of
PERSONAL SAFETY
7,500 copies which are
distributed in the UofT area
Are you safe during FIrosh week, I doubt it
Pages 20-21
Correspondence:
The Toike Oike c/o The Are the squirrels our superiors, you be the judge
Pages 18-19
University of Toronto
Engineering Society, 10 King’s
College Road. Sandford Fleming
Rm
Building B670. Toronto, MISCALANIOUS CRAP
Ontario. M5S-1A1. Tel: (416) 978-
5377, Fax: [phone], Letters Pages 4-5
www.ecf.toronto.edu/~toike. e- Winners, losers, and changes Page 6
mail: [email protected] or Images Page 14
[email protected].
Disclaimer:TheToikeOikeisahumourpaper. TheopinionsexpressedwithinthispaperdonotnecessarilyrepresentthoseoftheUniversit
ofTornotoEngineeringSociety, feelfreetovoiceyourobjectionstodarklord@skuIeca. Allcomplaintsrvitbetreatedaccordingly.
TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998 3
.
LETTERS
Well, after sifting through piles From zinatygecf.'toronto, edu Fri Sep
and piles of reader mail, a se- Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 09:43:20 -0400
lect few insightful queries have From: Georgette. ZInaty..^zinatyOecf toronto edu>
. .
been honoured by being chosen To: [email protected]&. ca
to appear in this issue ofToike. ""ike
Remember, if you have any-
thing to say, feel free to drop off >From theruean, trii3e of CIV:
any mail in the Toike mailbox \’rf' *s »{*#•>* • *
in EngSoc (assuming there’s My skill at 'openinof ,bo.xes is renowned far and
'wide. You, in your wisdom, have seen fit to
any room left in it). recognize this ..gift in print. May Godiva
continue to smile oil your efforts.
Dear Toike Staff,
Praise ye .the Lord
Why?
p.s, one of the' b,est Toikes in some while -
AH-HA! You thought you very clever,'. - especially page 13 - let's
could use this clever little ques- all live up to the message!
tion to distract us from your
REAL objective - the total anni- **************•********.><+**+********************
Malcolm McGrath, P.Eng.
hilation of the universe! But we
Assistant .'Dean
have seen through your thin at- Alumni Liaison
tempt at deception. For we are Engineering Alumni Office
the Toike, guardians of human- 35 St. George Street, Rm. 173
ity. Did you really think this Toronto, ON
pathetic ruse would befuddleour MSS 1A4 ,4 .
;
collective intelligence and years UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
of training and experience? We
will continue to secretly protect Tel: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
all engineers from the attack of
e-mail mcgrathQecf utoronto. ca
the fearsome rat-people who in- *******:******* ****.******************J
*•* r *** * *
habit the dark places seldom
ventured to. (No, not the artsies. stantly threaten the lives of us Different from Sneezing?” I suf-
The p.c. warriors!) Your feeble mere mortals. I believe that all fer from chronic flatulation. I’ve
attemptsat skullduggery will not engineers, nay, all humanity is tried pills, teas, ointments,
be successful today mortal. indebted to you for your unwa- chants, meditation, sonic puls-
vering commitment to their es, lasers, corks, enemas, sur-
ToWHOM IT MAY CONCERN, protection. I place myself at gery, acupuncture, voodoo,
your feet and pledge my servi- prayer, midgets, prostitutes,
I have noticed recently tude to you for as long as I draw chocolate syrup, marshmallows,
that the fearsome rat-people breath. May your success be Windows98, glossy paper, cath-
who inhabit the dark places sel- neverending, and your names eters, the musical stylings of
dom ventured to have become be forever honoured. Zamfir, master of the pan flute,
less apparent of late. I can’t and none if it works, I just keep
help but believe that this is due Thanks. farting. Your article gave me
to the diligent efforts of the hope though, now I feel that
Toike staff. Only a group as To WHOEVER CARES, maybe one day, if more people
powerful as yourselves could think like you, I’ll be able to go
possibly stay the onslaught of In regards to your article out in public and not find a 10m
this unholy spawn as they con- “Passing Gas - Is it Really any radius of empty space around
4 TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998
LETTERS
me everywhere I go. Maybe one could have the basic skeleton of Toike Staff,
HAVE SEEN THE
day, people will say, “bless you” an article and give the reader a I
whenI walkpastinsteadof, “get choice of words to insert. I LIGHT! Never has the word of
a plug!” Thank you for this ray think this would be really keen. GODiva been so clearly re-
of sunlight in my otherwise vealed to me as when I read it
overcast life. We here at the Toike appre- in the pages of the Toike. I
ciate any suggestions our read- ONCE WAS BLIND BUT NOW
I can only hope that a ers have. Infact, I’ve alreadyput I SEE! Thank you for clarifying
AM
dream as beautiful asyours will this idea intopractice. “Shut up/ the will of GODiva to me. I
someday be realized. Just think F! off'/Shove your head up your SAVED! I submit to her divine
what a better world it would be sphincter” you “worthless/no will and promise not to drink
ifpeople could let one rip inpub- good/moronic/donkey-loving” thatwatery Labatt shittheycall
lic places such as churches, fu- “sack of shit/idiot/example of beer or associate with anyone
nerals, weddings, golf tourna- what happens when cousins else but the holy and sacrosanct
ments, court, or operatingrooms marry” why don’t we just ‘leave engineers from now on.
without fear of being ostracized. a whole page blank and include THANKYOU TOIKE! PRAISE
crayons/hand out ‘choose your GODIVA! BE SAVED!
Hey, ownadventure’books/break both
I have a great idea for the your legs and let people write on We are pleased to have
Toike. What about a “create your casts”, it would be so much played such a roleyour religious
your own article” article? You easier. epiphany. Actually, Ijust had
a revelation. Wait! GODi-
Study Computer Engineering va is speaking to me! She
at
says... ‘My newestfollower....
I want you to abandon your
Humber
College - starting in January studies in engineering and
devote your attention full
; 1
Computer Engineering is time to mypublications. You
will submit yourself thor-
• a high tech, field with excellent career opportunities oughly to the editors of the
& Cannon, the Yearbook, and
• a mixture of programming, computer systems electronics the Toike. Above all the
a 6 semester (3 year) diploma program Toike, especially when its
Any university credits that you have may editors and staffare fighting
with the other editors and
gain you course exemptions in the program
stafffor time on the comput-
and fast-track your progress. ers.’ Oh yeah, she also says
Increase your careerpotential by combining thatyou shouldabandon that
the strength ofyour University background mush they call money, and
with thepractical educationfor which give a third ofit to the Toike
Humber College has become known. Emperor, a full half of it to
Roly Poly (yeah!) and a
Think about the future now in this new twelfth of it to Der Komis-
exciting program. saar. With the final twelfth
ofyour money, use it to buy
Humber For a course description visit the web site at: new chairs and an air con-
®(C@0D©f© http://www.acad.humberc.on.ca/~ceng/ceng.htm ditioning unit for Eng Com.
For more information please call [phone]. Yeah, that’s what she told me
to tell you.
TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998 5
WINNERS
[Struan Vaz: Orien- say? You need a new President? guards, guards, get this Fling
[tation is over and it Have Igot the man foryou! Freak out ofmy office. [Ed. With
[was a huge success. Jean Chretien: Looking at his that I was struck in the head
No one died and I opposition, it’s going to take a with a bedpan and the LGMB
2-
rdidn’t get arrested. long time before anyone takes through me out the nearest win-
j[Ed. Struan will try over his job. -Who let you into dow]
harder next year] my office, guards, guards, get iThe Kampus Kops:
Drago Banovic: Walked in a this FlingFreak out ofmy office. Drago Banovic gone,
petty thug walked out a legend. [Ed. With that I was struck in Fthere are not one,
- 1 was not PETTY... the head with a soapstone loon jnot two, but THREE
Rono Sinha: VP Ex- and the RCMP through me out [Coffee Times within
<•ternal cum Presi- the nearest window] [scurrying distance,
dent of the Engi- ITheLGMB: jand the BNAD
[neering Society. All |P e o p 1 e 'keeps coming to see
|he had to do was actually us. Does it get any better than
^w
rait for the Presi- MLjlNK ant them this? -The Bnad can even play
Ident elect to leave 2around this Mickey Mouse better, we’re on
the country. -What’s that you year. -Who letyou into my office, cloud nine.
S E R S
TPT results perfield got Claudia Schiffer, themselves look cool with
show that this is the and the most powerful man in names like darklord and Der
dimmest group in the world got...not much. - Kommissaar, when really they
mmmmm,
fears. [Ed. We gath- ohyeah, come on, you just look stupid. [Ed. This com-
ered many quotes can do it, that’s the stuff, faster, ing from a guy called Genghis]-
from flrosh but none faster, yes, yes, YESSSSSSSS... Article Ken Genghis McNeil
of them were fit to print] [Ed. I was listening at the door, and matt darklord lenner
Bill Clinton: Billy Joel got I figured he was busy] homp 2e3 - Pictures
Christy Brinkley, David Cop- The Toike Emperors: Make
CHANGES
Resigned: Drago Banovic, as after being deemed “unsafe” - he’s still looking for the old one.
Engineering Society President Unsafe, it was more than unsafe, Wanted: Attention, by all mem-
Captured: The it was a menace to society...That bers of the Toike Oike Staff.
darklord, for the Drago couldn’t do anything Needed: Sex, by all the Toike
wanton disregard of right. Oike staff.
public decency at [Returned: The
Flrosh Nite -I was |EngSoc Batphone,
drunk, I wasn’t the |after a lengthy ab-
only one doing it, I Isence. 978-1607
did not have sexual relations [Stolen: The EngSoc
with that Flrosh. |Batphone, Any one
Banging Away: [seeing this phone
The shiny new Isould contactVP Fi-
cannon, af- nance with its location.
the old one New: The EngSoc Batphone, VP
as retired Finance Bought a new phone,
6 TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998
GRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY
TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A SOCIAL DEVIANT
Wednesday September 16th 1998. Drago
,
Banovic, former president of the University of
Toronto Engineering Society boards a plane in
disgrace, leaving his ‘Tear of Excess” at only four
and a halfmonths. No one was there to watch him
leave. He left no one to mourn the loss, onlybroken
pieces to be picked up. This was not the first
setbackin the career ofMr. Banovic, nor shallit be
his last. Drago, despite all outward appearances,
has lived a rocky lifestyle that will ultimately
result in his utter destruction.
Born Daryl Banton, son of Marcy Banton and
Lars Rejkovic, the conditions ofhis early childhood
would reflect on him for years to come. Marcy, a
native of England, was a mistress in a house ofill
repute, inthe French quarterofNew Orleans. Lars
was a mercenary hving by his own rules looking
for a good time. In a small back-alley chnic during
March Gras, Drago was born. He spent the first
three years living with his mother and the other
ladies in the Maison Buxom, surviving only on
chocolate sauce, strawberries, and flat champagne.
For his third birthday his mother took him on
a trip to see Amsterdam. This would be the last
trip he would spend with his mother. On their
way back through customs, Drago’s mother was
arrested for smuggling two million dollars worth up easily. Over the next two years he not only
ofheroin. Drago was placed in the 3rd Amsterdam healed his body but also improved it. He was
orphanage, his only possession an 8-track cassette determined not to let that ever happen again.
of Peter, Paul & Mary. He remained at the It was during these two years that he spent a
large portion of his time in the foothills around
the family home. One day he came upon a small
folk from Croatia. When they first saw Daryl he shack that had not been there the day before. It
was listening to his favorite song “Puff the Magic was in this shack that Drago met his mentorin the
Dragon.” They loved Daryl and the song so they ways of the Ninja. He was taught the skills of
changed Daryl’s name to Drago. They loved Drago stealth, cunning, the ability to cloud men’s minds,
as a son and taught him the value ofhard work. and the completely non-ninja skill of the use of
When Drago was ten he was sent by his father explosives. Over the period ofa few months Drago
was transformed from an ambitious but
into town to get some supphes for the farm. After
loading the wagon with grain and other supphes, untempered piece of metal to a razor-sharp blade
he was approached by four youths demanding a of speed and manipulation. On the eve of his
portion of the grain as protection. Drago refused. twelfth birthday he defeated his master in close
His bruised and broken body was left for dead on combat, proving his ultimate mastership ofthe art
his parents’ lawn. But Drago was not one to give ofNinja.
TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998 7
When Drago was twelve he
ventured back into town to fetch a
load of supplies. He again was
approached by four youths
demanding grain for protection.
Drago again refused. This time
however it was not Drago’s body
left for dead. The loss of his four
premier racketeers both angered
and intrigued the leader of the
Croatian Mafia. Drago was
broughtbefore Don Sunovabic, and
there he received his first taste of
the power of the dark side. Up
until now, Drago’s purpose in fife
had been survival; his exposure to
Don Sunovabic gave him a new DRAGO? I thought we got rid of that sonnofabitch. Not
goal, namely, power and only am I glad to see him go, but ifI ever see his lying, swindling,
domination. corrupt ass around here again, I will personally hang him by
Over the next seven years his b*lls in the atrium where everyone can see. Then we can
Dragoworkedhiswayup the chain all take turns throwing egg yolks, and birdseed at him while
of command in the Croatian mob. chanting ‘all hail Dragon Banovic!’ that is all.
From extortion to numbers, from The mayhem continued. The nextyearbrought
drugs to prostitution. When he was eighteen he
the male prostitution ring running out of the
was the head enforcer and assassin and loyal
Engineering Society, bringing the cutest and
confidant of Don Sunovabic. His crimes against
smartest male engineers to the richest and most
humanity were legendary, and everyone feared
powerful men and women in Toronto, and parts of
him, even Don Sunovabic himself. Sunovabic
Metro. The competing rings that he couldn’t take
believed it would only be a matter of time before
over by coercion, he destroyed by force, leaving
the child he had taken under his wing would rise
nothing behind but the smell of old gunpowder.
up and usurp his position as Don.
Prostitution was not enough to sustain Drago’s
On his nineteenth birthday, to prevent said
lust (for power). In his third year Drago took a
uprising, Drago was sent by his Don to Canada to
year off to pursue other interests. His influence
receive an education. After being refused entry to on Engineering grew. He expanded the
his first five choices of schools, he used the skills prostitution ring to include women, and used the
that he had learned as an enforcer and spoke
Wallberg Chem. labs to produce drugs for
directly to the Dean ofEngineering. The next year
exportation back to his home country. In his dark
Drago was admitted to the University of Toronto
methods, he bribed not only the caretakers and
in Computer Engineering. The Dean resigned and Campus Cops, but the Faculty itself into
left the country that very same year.
“overlooking” his trespassing.
Hisyears in Engineeringwere infamous. From
Then Drago turned his attentions to politics.
the first—weekeveryone knew thathewouldbe their After his yearlong absence he was elected as VP
saviour or their downfall. During the Scavenger
Finance of the University of Toronto Engineering
Hunt of Drago’s F!rosh year the Bnad got all new Society. (Those who voted against him were never
instruments; in that same year the Toronto
seen ahve again; only the all-too-familiar smell of
Symphony Orchestra couldn’t play for six months
old gunpowder indicated their fate.) This position
due to a lack ofinstruments. But petty theft alone
allowed Drago to have access and control over the
was too low for Drago; he quickly coerced the
hundreds ofthousands ofdollars that flow through
Campus Cops to succumb to him by bribing them
the Engineering Society every year. In his year as
with the thought of having actual VP Finance he funneled almost 50% of the
uniforms...uniforms that had somehow gone
Engineering Society’s money to various Artistic
missing from the backs ofofficers at 52 Division.
'8 TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998
projects around news for the
campus and would-be thug.
Toronto, his In his absence,
continuing they had
racket in the overthrown the
Wallberg labs, government
and his ever- and taken
expanding
control. Upon
prostitution his return he
ring. wouldbegivena
After his “legitimate” job
successful year in Military
as VP Finance, intelligence.
Drago decided Generally he
that he would go would be killing
out with a bang. people for his
The source above who In his final year country, instead The man on the left
he ran for and of killing them
wished his identity to be identified only as “Angry-T”
won the position for fun.
withheldwas askedtocomment of President of Now that was asked why he left the
aInbtoeurtngsi.fts gHievenretpolPireedsid“eWnhtiaatl tShoe cEnigieneteryin.g wDreagmousits gpoincek ictournetlartyesfortofoDurragmoo’nsthplsanasndfoirf
gifts? I didn’t get no stinking (Considering up the pieces global expansion, he replied
gifts!” just before swallowing a “What’s your definition of
the aftermath of thatwere left in
lethal cyanide tablet. gloabal expansion?”
the previous his wake. The
election, nobody dared vote against him.) He emotional scarring ofbeing passed around as male
celebrated his victory in SUDS with a bottle of prostitutes, of working in substandard conditions
champagne and a toast “To the year of excess.” in the Wallberg Chem. Labs [I still wake up
From the beginning it was just that. Within the screaming]. The imminent fear of death upon
first 2 months, Drago had blown 25% ofhis budget, smelling old gunpowder or seeing fireworks, the
and united all prostitution rings in southern cold sweat that grips us all as we recount stories
Ontario into his own “Megaring”. But the last of “We were really drunk when Drago decided
straw came when Drago collaborated with the to.. We mustbeginthe healingprocess. We must
Students’ Administrative Council to spend $70,000 never speak ofhim again.
re-coppering the SAC Dome. This was a move that
enraged the employees of Mario’s Bakery. Mario,
also being skilled in the ways of the Ninja,
challenged Drago to a fight. The loser would be
forced to leave not only Engineering but the
country as well. Drago accepted and the fight was
on. The fight was set for just after dark on the
second night of Skule™ Daze. The warriors
assembled in an alley behind the Mechanical
building. The fight was quick butexplosive. Mario
Baker emerged victorious, sweaty and smoking a
cigarette. Drago, his head hung in shame and his
arm hung in a sling, started to make plans for his
eventual departure. Drago goes to far by wroking with SAC to
Within two months, Drago had resigned as waste $70,000 to re-copper the SAC dome.
President and had tied up all the loose ends. He Putting the painting staff of Bob’s Fish and
made contact with Don Sunovabic to retake his Chips out of Buisness.
place as the enforcer. But Don Sunovabic had good
TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998
ARE OUR FIROSH GETTING DUMRER
SURPRISING RESULTS FROM ANNUAL TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY TEST
Since its founding so many question with the
years ago, countless engineers short answer:
have passed through the hal-
There is no
lowed halls of the University of
equation to
Toronto. But has their quality
intergrate.
decreased over the years? Are
today’s youthlearning at a slow- Not only was *1r*'
er rate than before? Good rea- L.F. blind to the
sonexiststoprove so. Eachyear, question, he also
a select group of engineers who misspelled “inte-
are known to be proficient in grate”. Our young *
English are chosen to write a friend here isn’t the :A Jp *
Technical Proficiency Test, also only one to make
known as the TPT. excuses for not do-
Many of this year’s partici- ing the questions. ^
pants are just shown to lack the The students £ -
mental capabilities to endure spread blame to A fu>yture Aero, or Astrono• mer.
such an endeavour. Our biggest everything under
case in point: after being told to the sun save their own sheer idi- versal language. Ask any TA...
write their name and student ocy. “P.L.” chose not to answer a ifyou can understand him. De-
number on everypage, less than chemistry question because she spite all these comments, the one
twenty-five (25) students did so. has thatbestexemplifies this behav-
Our bestreason is that students ...decided topursuestud- iour came from a nameless stu-
simply don’t have the smarts to
ies in materials. dent, writing:
remember their own name and
nine digits at the same time. And that’s supposed to 1 1>ir '/•*
This is just the tip of the make it all better? “C.Q.F.” q, °r wAo * T i„tr/.>.t
iceberg. The answers for the claimed she had a Ifthese mind-numbing ex-
TPT itself are nothing short of physics teacher who cuses aren’t enough to chill the
appalling. Forexample, one stu- couldn’t speak English. bone of any professor, witness
daennstw,ewrehdomthweefisrhsatllinctalelgr“aLt.iFo.n” Quick tip: math is the uni- btihtesdfurlolmarhdisgwhhsochmoeomloarnidzepldatciedd-
them in the answers section hap-
hazardly. The sad part is, not
all of them were even related to
science! This is simply a case of
“you got the right answer, but
you got the question wrong.” We
received two excerpts from Mac-
beth, (but “R.F.” forgot that
10 TOIKE, OCTOBER 1998