This Is Where I Am : A Memoir

321 Pages·2016·26.47 MB·English

by  Zeke Caligiuri

this is where i am

This Is
Where I Am
A Memoir
zeke caligiuri
University of Minnesota Press

Minneapolis • London
“Turtles, Fireflies, and Stars,” “These Songs Remind Me,” and “Before
I Was Anything,” poems quoted in this book, were written by Zeke
Caligiuri.
Copyright 2016 by Ezekiel Caligiuri
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,
without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Published by the University of Minnesota Press
111 Third Avenue South, Suite 290
Minneapolis, MN 55401- 2520
http://www.upress.umn.edu
ISBN 978-0-8166-9572-0 (pb)
A Cataloging-in-Publication record for this book is available from the
Library of Congress.
Printed in the United States of America on acid- free paper
The University of Minnesota is an equal- opportunity educator and
employer.
22 21 20 19 18 17 16 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Dedicated to Deborah Appleman,
whose faith and commitment to me
and the men in these places
always far surpassed my own.
My life went from a cell to the entire world.
This book is just as much yours as it is mine.

contents
Prologue: Rearranging Destiny 1
i. the beginning
1. The Dodge Duster 15
2. An Orphan at Christmas 17
3. Granny in a Yellow Dress 22
4. On Pilgrimage 29
5. Monsters and Floral Print Skirts 41
6. Marching on the Third Precinct 56
ii. life: what i would be
7. Prayer and Resurrection 73
8. The Block Club 97
9. Fathers and Sons, Men and Boys 104
10. Class of 1996 116
11. The First Strike 133
12. Snapshots of Me and Her in New York 144
13. A House, a Neighborhood 161
14. From September to September 178
iii. death: putting it back together
15. The Last Visit from the Girl in the Willow Tree 211
16. Walking into the Rest of My Life 227
17. The Only One Not There 241
18. Just Pictures 251
19. No Man’s Land 259
20. A Homecoming 272
21. Bombs 285
Epilogue: This Is Where I Am 299
Acknowledgments 309
Prologue
rearranging destiny
My friend Tee got shot in the face. It happened in
spring, on the basketball court at Stewart Park by the
grade school I used to go to in South Minneapolis. Exact words
and most of the exact actions are lost to history. Something that
started like the tales you hear that circulate, details that grow
like creeping Charlie around the very little we know for sure.
It happened just as the city was getting ready to change us
all. It was 1993, and I was fifteen years old then, skipping school
and hoping girls would understand my story. Back then I used
to say I wasn’t afraid to die. I don’t know where I got that idea.

There were many there, but only three actors mattered:
my friend Tee, our own sixteen- year- old version of Heracles
dressed in a blue flag; Rock, only fourteen—I had run against
Rock in the shuttle run and played basketball alongside him
before we learned how to tie our shoes. And the third actor
was a shaky .22 caliber pistol pulled from the pocket of Rock’s
Chicago Bulls starter coat. Everyone else was just a gathering
of scarred faces that always seem to see these kinds of slanted
scrapes of reality.

Only the three primary actors were left when the gun came
out. Even the girl the disagreement seemed to be centered
1