This Is Not a Drill: Just another glorious day in the oilfields

261 Pages·2007·4.99 MB·English

by  Paul Carter

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Praise for Don’t Tell Mum I Work on the Rigs, She
Thinks I’m a Piano Player in a Whorehouse
‘This is one of the most split-my-sides-laughing memoirs I think I
have ever read . . . that blows along like the North Sea.’
Northern Star
‘This is one of those fantastic read-’em-in-a-day books that has you
attached like Velcro from the fi rst paragraph . . . It’s not literature,
but it’s not boring . . . A boy’s own romp around the globe,
Don’t Tell Mum is perfect for lovers of high adventure/mongrel
humour and would attract even the most resistant male readers.
It’s Auf Wiedersehen, Pet crossed with Barry Crump on speed and I
loved it.’
Wanganui Chronicle
‘Not so much a thriller as a driller, Don’t Tell Mum is our tip for
Bloke’s Book of the Year (BBOTY).’
Sunday Telegraph
‘. . . a Boy’s Own yarn from the front line of the oil industry.’
Men’s Style
‘. . . a humorous, politically incorrect boy’s own adventure . . . blokey
bonding, brawls and bravado . . .’
The Daily Telegraph
‘. . . literary black gold . . . horrifying and hilarious.’
Sun Herald
‘This is a book for blokes . . . Carter is a kind of modern day Indiana
Jones . . . a natural storyteller.’
Sunday Tasmanian
‘. . . a laconic larrikin, with a tale that is full of humour . . . A
refreshing memoir, Paul Carter is a genuine Australian character.’
Manly Daily
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‘What you have here . . . is that rare situation of somebody who not
only has a story to tell but the ability to tell it. Carter’s anecdotes are
told with great humour and perfect timing.’
The Age
‘This . . . is not for the fainthearted . . . For less sensitive readers, there
is a lot of fun to be had from Carter’s Don’t Tell Mum I Work on the
Rigs . . . With his earthy language and character sketches, Carter makes
a basic autobiography into one wild ride, leaving you wondering
how this guy isn’t dead.’
Entrophy
‘A torrent of tall tales from a life less ordinary.’
The Press and Journal, Aberdeen
‘A fascinating and funny life story well worth the read.’
Sportsladsmag.com
‘The mass appeal is obvious. Full of colourful stories and well-worn
anecdotes accumulated over almost two decades working on the
oil rigs.’
TNT Magazine
‘Carter’s tales are always entertaining and offer a few unblinking
aperçus about Big Oil seen from the inside.’
Scotland on Sunday
‘Ever wondered what happens to the boys from the movie Jackass
when they grow up? They become oil rig workers. Shit happens,
so some of the stuff that Paul Carter and his friends get hit with
probably isn’t their fault—although sitting at the top of an oil rig
derrick during a thunderstorm is probably inviting God to hit you
with something. Otherwise most of the madness and mayhem,
interspersed with the occasional car or motorcycle accident and
totally over the top practical jokes, are clearly all down to Paul. As
for the chain-smoking monkeys, pool-playing ferrets and bartending
orangutans . . . if the humans are crazy the animals should be too.’
Tony Wheeler, founder of Lonely Planet
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R
E
T
R
A
UL C
A
P
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First published in 2007
Copyright © Paul Carter 2007
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,
including photocopying, recording or by any information storage
and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from
the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a
maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is
the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its
educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or
body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright
Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.
Allen & Unwin
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.allenandunwin.com
National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:
Carter, Paul, 1969- .
This is not a drill: just another glorious day in the oilfi eld.
ISBN 978 1 74175 125 3 (pbk).
1. Carter, Paul, 1969- . 2. Petroleum workers - Australia -
Biography. 3. Oil well drilling rigs - Anecdotes. I.
Title.
622.3382092
Front cover photo: Ian Holland, Big Stock Photo
Author photo on back cover: Stephen Oxenbury Photography
Set in 12/15.5 pt Bembo by Midland Typesetters, Australia
Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS viii
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
A
great many individuals have my thanks this second
time around: Clare, my wife and my universe; Erwin
Hergzeg, always in my corner, and his amazing
family have my eternal friendship; the inspirational
Sally and Simon Dominguez, and their single malt;
Claire Atkins, a remarkable woman; Greg Waters, who
underestimates the importance that his contributions
make; Klaas van der Plas; Dave Sadler, a man who can
really ride a motorcycle; Ross Luck; Steve Tunley; Vince
and Sheman Moritti; Miranda Culley; Johnathan and
Angela Catana; the De La Vega family; Geof Pacecca;
Allan and Terri Cole; Steve, Pyneia and Anastasia Papal—
legends all. My family Al, Liz, France, Elinor, Johannes,
Callum, Rory, Alex, Mathew, James, Daniel, Carrie,
Cathy, Phillip, Fingal and Tamsi (happy trails).
The lovely and completely brilliant team at Allen
& Unwin: Jo Paul, your critiques turn what would
otherwise be one long fart joke into a book; Lou
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Johnson; Catherine Milne; Alexandra Nahlous; Julia
Lee—you all perform the literary equivalent of teaching
a monkey how to perform brain surgery every time
you take a manuscript off my hands, and you make
it look easy. Thank you for going in to bat for me so
many times.
All the Singapore crew, especially Drew, Les, Hiram,
Myles, Adam, Ramat, JJ, Tahir, Fauzi, Joey, Bidin (who
nearly cut his head off last year—glad you’re still with
us, mate) and Razac, rest in peace brother.
Ambu (take that belt off ), John, Don, Jake (back
in the big house), Avas, Barry Reilly, Dave ‘The Seal
Basher’ Nordli, Vodka Bob, Fat Tony, Robin, Eddie,
Ronny, Smithy, Colin Henderson, Ann Smith, Sick
Boy, Well Head Willy, Donald Millar, Damian Forte,
Pilso, Sam Leon, Wongy, John Logan, Chris Glennon,
Cameron Westholt, Tony Lacey, Capt Tom Naude, Sqd
Ldr Chris Boucousis, the manager of the ‘Romper-
Room’.
And Offi cer Young, sorry about the mess, and thanks
for being gentle with me.
Special thanks to that Afghan guy near Gardez, by
the side of the road somewhere between Camp 87 and
Kabul on 21 April 2006, who decided not to shoot
me—much appreciated.
All of you, lying in your bunks on a rig, we are
multiplied and defused throughout the world, be safe,
godspeed.
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