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Copyright © 2016 by Diane McMartin
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced—mechanically,
electronically, or by any other means, including photocopying—without written permission
of the publisher. Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son Limited.
Illustrations by Jen Kruch
Cover design by Jean-Marc Troadec
Oscar statuette on page 157 © A.M.P.A.S.(R)
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN 978-0-7611-8484-3
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Printed in China
First printing June 2016
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Contents
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .v
The Basics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
Learn to Taste Wine and Beer without Losing Your Mind • Buying Wine
and Beer • Wine Labels Demystified • Glassware, Tools, and Other
Potential Rip-Offs
Dating, Mating, Rejection, and Heartbreak . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31
Breakups • Online Dating • One-Night Stands • Family Matters •
Social Media Stalking • Your New Crush
Just Us Girls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
A Trashy Girls’ Night • Secret Single Behavior • Time-Consuming
Beauty Rituals
Growing Up and Getting Older . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
Your “Big” Birthday • Discovering Signs of Aging • Class Reunions •
Graduation • Thwarted Childhood Fantasies
The Holidays . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Avoiding Mall Vertigo: Choosing Wine and Beer as Gifts • Hosting
Thanksgiving • Halloween • Your New Year’s Resolution Diet •
Minor Holidays
Home and Hosting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
Roommates • Stuck Inside: Hurricanes, Tornadoes, and Other Climate
Change–Induced Severe Weather • Your New Home • Theme Parties •
Pretending to Be a Grown-Up (Dinner Parties)
Movies and Television . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151
Classic-Movie Night • Dress Snarking: Sparkling Cocktails for Awards-
Show Season • Your Next Netflix Binge
Music . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165
Your Favorite Music • Music Festivals, or, Drowning Out the Stench of
Patchouli and Weed
Reading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .175
Aspirational Magazines • Important Novels You Pretend to Have Read
(or Can Barely Remember . . .)
Summer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187
Embarrassing Yourself in the Great Outdoors • Other People’s Vacations •
Summer Trips • Your Overpriced Farmers’ Market Bounty
Weddings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207
Your Best Friend’s Wedding • Your Proposal
Spawning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 217
Baby Showers • Learning the Ropes
Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231
Your “Just for Now” Job • Work Functions • Career Milestones
Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246
Online Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .253
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .256
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .257
Introduction
W hen you’re the person who knows about
wine among your friends and family,
you’re asked a lot of questions: What
should I order on a date? How do I choose wine for my
wedding? What goes with meat loaf?
A couple of years ago, I arrived home to find my room-
mate sprawled on the couch looking miserable.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I got dumped. Again.” I headed to the freezer to look
for ice cream. “What wine goes with a bad breakup?” she
moaned.
vi Introduction
That day, the answer turned out to be cheap rosé, because that’s what I
had, but from then on, I began thinking about pairing wine and beer with sit-
uations and feelings, rather than just sauces and salads.
Food & Wine has you covered for that heritage pork roast with the price tag
that made you wince at the register at Whole Foods, but what about the blind
date you’re dreading and anticipating in equal measure? And what should you
sip while Google-stalking your high school crushes? You definitely need an
adult beverage for that. Inspired by my roommate’s dilemma, I started writing
columns for The Hairpin that paired wine and other beverages with situa-
tions ranging from first dates to road trips, and readers responded to them in
a way I never expected. I realized that people really need a way to talk about
wine and beer that reflects how we live now. No one’s coming home after a
long day at work and making a complicated poached fish and beurre blanc and
pairing it with the perfect Chablis. We’re drinking while camping, or cele-
brating getting promoted with our friends, or solo-sipping on the couch while
watching trashy television and eating greasy Thai food, or attempting home
hair color in a really ugly bathrobe.
In this book, I hope to give you some inspiration and helpful informa-
tion, but mostly I want to give you the freedom to have fun with what you’re
drinking. On a similar note, this is the kind of book you can dip into at any
point, depending on your interests at that moment. No need to start right at
the beginning and dutifully take notes—if you’re drinking for fun and enjoy-
ment, there’s no need to be slavish about it. If you want a little information
on how to taste beer and wine or what the heck kind of glassware to buy, start
with “The Basics.” But feel free to skip to the relevant chapters to figure out
what to order on your date with that promising, but maybe slightly too bro-y
guy from Tinder (page 38) or what to drink when you’ve finally finished your
Ph.D. (page 94).
While these pairings are all meant to be fun and lighthearted—I mean,
really, you don’t need a drink for EVERY life situation; sometimes what you
need is to drink some herbal tea, call your mom, and go to bed at a reasonable
hour—I didn’t want to leave you wondering what the hell hops actually are,
Introduction vii
or what wine critics are talking about when they call Chardonnay “buttery.”
So, I’ve included sidebars, along with a few longer essays, to help you navi-
gate the often overwhelming world of wine and beer.
For each situation, I recommend a style of wine or beer, then one to three
producers or brands that I consider good examples of that style. But here’s a
little advice about those specific examples: Don’t get too hung up on them.
Because the end of Prohibition left alcohol regulation up to the individual
states, there is a huge amount of variation when it comes to what’s available in
each local market in this country. I recommend certain producers and brands
that I love, but they may not be available where you are. We’ll get more in-
depth on buying wine and beer on page 6, but I actually don’t recommend
spending a lot of time hunting down a specific name I mention and order-
ing it blind from some store you find on the Internet that happens to carry it.
Find a store that sells beer and/or wine where you feel comfortable, and if you
can’t find what I’ve recommended, ask if they can show you something sim-
ilar. Say you’re looking for the Guy Larmandier Blanc de Blancs Champagne
that I recommend on page 81. A good retail assistant, even if she’s never had
that Champagne, will be able to pull the salient details from the name and
description and find you a sparkler in a similar style. Who knows, it might be
even better than what I recommended!
There is so much wine and beer out there, I can’t even come close to tasting
it all, and that’s part of the fun. I hope these pairings make you laugh, inspire
you to try something new, and maybe take the sting out of that breakup.
Cheers,
Diane McMartin
The Basics
N othing should stand between you and your
enjoyment of wine and beer, especially not
intimidation created by flowery reviews and
giant restaurant wine lists that look like doorstops. With
that in mind, here are some tips to help you navigate tast-
ing and buying wine and beer, a quick and dirty primer on
reading wine labels, and a guide to buying glassware and
other assorted gadgetry without bankrupting yourself.
