Table Of ContentFrom the world’s most acclaimed expert on verbal THE From the author of the bestseller
THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
abuse comes the first book that answers the
V
question foremost on every woman’s mind:
E
R THE
Can he change?
B
VERBALLY
I A
n this groundbreaking follow-up to her bestselling books The Verbally
Abusive Relationship and Controlling People, Patricia Evans goes beyond L
L
identifying verbally abusive behaviors to prescribing a course of action for
Y
both victim and abuser.
Coupling stories of abused women and abusive men from her own case A
studies, Evans gives you the tools you need to transform your relationship. B ABUSIVE
Most important, she assures you that such a transformation is possible—
U
given the right circumstances. Evans also helps you determine if your abuser
S
really has changed—or if he’s merely creating the illusion of change. And
I
if he hasn’t changed, Evans helps you decide whether it’s time to leave the
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relationship—and what to do when it is.
E
Combining practical applications and the latest clinical research with MAN Can He
M
her trademark support and assurance, Evans shows you how to empower
yourself, improve your relationship, and change your life for the better.
A Change?
N
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Patricia Evans is the author of four bestselling books and a ha
highly acclaimed interpersonal communications specialist, an
public speaker, and consultant. She’s appeared on Oprah, CNN, n H
g
national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. e
e
She lives in the East Bay Area of San Francisco, CA, and can be ? A Woman’s Guide to
reached via her Web site, www.VerbalAbuse.com.
Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Photo © Todd Rafalovich
$14.95 (CAN $17.95) Self-Help/Psychology
EVANS
ISBN-13: 978-1-59337-653-6
ISBN-10: 1-59337-653-7
Patricia Evans
www.adamsmedia.com
Also by Patricia Evans
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and
How to Respond
Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery
Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal
with People Who Try to Control You
Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse at Home and at School
THE
Verbally
abusiVe
Man
Can He
Change?
A Woman’s Guide to
Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Patricia Evans
Adams Media
Avon, Massachusetts
Copyright ©2006, Patricia Evans.
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be
reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher;
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by
Adams Media, an F+W Publications Company
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 10: 1-59337-653-7
(paperback)
ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-653-6
ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-836-8 (EPUB)(cid:13)(cid:10)
Printed in the United States of America.
J I H G F E D C B A
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from publisher.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative
information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with
the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering
legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other
expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional
person should be sought.
—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a
Committee of the American Bar Association and
a Committee of Publishers and Associations
Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distin-
guish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designa-
tions appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark
claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.
Notice: The author wishes to note that all women and men profiled in
this book are compilations. Unless otherwise noted, all identifying
characteristics have been changed.
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.
acknowledgMents
As if on a search for the Holy Grail, the cup, the ancient symbol
of the feminine, people have searched for a solution to the most
basic problem in relationships: control through verbal abuse.
Without their questioning and questing, this book might not
have been written.
My heartfelt thanks to all who so openly contributed to this
work for sharing their thoughts, experiences, insights, and espe-
cially their questions.
Without the faith and encouragement of my publisher,
Adams Media, this book would still be an idea in a folder. The
entire staff has always been supportive. I especially thank Gary
Krebs, enthusiastic, motivating, and managing it all; I thank my
publicist Beth Gissinger for her dedication to bringing the mes-
sage of this book to the world; Gene Molter, for moving publicity
along with almost instant responses to my requests; and I am
especially grateful to my editor, Jennifer Kushnier, whose valu-
able questions and painstaking devotion to detail refined the book
you hold in your hands; and to Dr. William Higgins, who set the
stage for this book with his direct and thoughtful foreword.
Thanks also to Christopher, Dorothy, Julie, Linda, Ron, and
Stephanie for all their encouragement, and to my family for their
enthusiastic support, especially to Lisa and Jennifer for their time
in reviewing the manuscript.
—Patricia Evans
contents
Foreword by William L. Higgins, Ph.D.........................ix
Introduction: The Verbal Abuser—Can He Change? ...........xiii
1
About Change ..........................................1
2
The Verbally Abusive Man and Dream Woman ..........11
3
Types and Origins of Verbal Abuse ......................35
4
Does Counseling Help? Some Therapists Don’t Know ....53
5
Is Change Possible? ....................................75
6
The Partner Wants Him to Change ......................83
7
What Motivates Him to Change? .......................93
8
How to Prepare for the Agreement ....................107
9
How to Present the Agreement .......................115
10
How to Write the Agreement ..........................129
11
Men Seeking Change ..................................145
vii
12
The Process of Change ................................155
13
He Won’t Agree .......................................177
14
Has He Changed? ......................................191
15
Choosing to Stay or Go ................................201
Epilogue: Change Is Essential ..............................221
Appendix A: Verbally Abusive Statements................... 227
Appendix B: Also by the Author ............................247
Appendix C: Resources....................................249
Appendix D: Recommended Reading....................... 253
Appendix E: Web Sites for Custody Information.............. 255
Reader Survey.......................................... 257
Endnotes ...............................................261
Index ................................................. 265
viii The Verbally Abusive Man Can He Change?
