Table Of ContentThe
Unwritten
Rules Social
of
Relationships
BY
Temple Grandin, Ph.D.
&
Sean Barron
Edited by Veronica Zysk
Future Horizons, 1nc.-Arlington, TX
The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships
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(C)Copyright2005 Temple Grandin, Sean Barron
All rights reserved.
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No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatso-
ever without written permission of Future Horizons, Inc. except
in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.
ISBN 1-932565-06-X
Dedication
This book is dedicated to individuals with autism spectrum
disorders who strive each day to understand themselves and the
world around them, and to the parents, teachers and providers
who help them do so.
Temple Grandin
I would like to dedicate this book to Ron, Judy and Megan
Barron: my wonderful father, mother and sister.
Sean Barron
Contents
..
Acknowledgements .................................................................. vll
Behind the Scenes ......................................................................i x
ACT ONE
Two Perspectives on Social Thinking
Scene 1. My World is What I Do by Temple Grandin ................1
Scene 2. A Different Perspective on Social Awareness by Sean
Barron .......................................................................................5 5
ACT TWO
Two Minds: Two Paths
How the Autistic Way of Thinking Affects
Social Understanding ................................................................8 3
INTERMISSION ..................................................................1 13
ACT THREE
The Ten Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships ..................1 19
Rule #1: Rules are Not Absolute. They are Situation-based
and People-based ...................................................................1 20
Rule #2: Not Everything is Equally Important in the Grand
Scheme of Things ..................................................................1. 45
Rule #3: Everyone in the World Makes Mistakes.
It Doesn't Have to Ruin Your Day .........................................1. 65
Rule #4: Honesty is Different than Diplomacy ......................1 93
Rule #5: Being Polite is Appropriate in Any Situation ............2 14
Rule #6: Not Everyone Who is Nice to Me is My Friend ......2 36
Rule #7: People Act Differently in Public than
They Do in Private ..................................................................2 68
Rule #8: Know When You're Turning People Off .................. 288
Rule #9: "Fitting In" is Often Tied to Looking and
Sounding Like You Fit In ........................................................3 11
Rule #10: People are Responsible for Their Own Behaviors .. 337
Epilogues ...............................................................................3. 77
References & Resources ..........................................................3 81
Acknowledgements
We wish to thank Veronica Zysk for her valuable guidance
and hard work in putting this project together. We also want to
thank Wayne Gilpin who, as president of Future Horizons Inc.,
publishes many important books that help people better under-
stand autism and Asperger's Syndrome, and who had the original
idea for this book. We are grateful for his vision and to be part of
the FHI family.
A Note to Readers:
Three people contributed directly to the final book you are
reading. Individual passages written by Temple and Sean are
identified with their names throughout the chapters. We owe
thanks to our editor, Veronica Zysk, for the rest of the text, which
she created on our behalf with our input and direction.
We believe in the use of person-first language and have incor-
porated that styling into the book. However, there are passages
where we found it cumbersome or redundant to use person-first
language, and the reader will notice the use of the term "autis-
tic." We mean no disrespect.
We also chose to globally use the male gender reference,
rather than "he/she" or "him/her." The word "teacher" refers to
anyone who works with people with ASD; it is not limited to the
formal education system. Except where noted, the ideas present-
edin the book apply equally to girls and boys.
Finally, the structure of the book dictated that there be a
mixed"voice" within the chapters. The two opening chapters are
written in first-person language, as we each authored our own
chapters. The remainder of the book represents a marriage of
bothour thoughts and ideas; therefore, we chose to refer to our-
selves in the third person when necessary. The star symbols (*),
as wcll as explicit cues, denote a change of voice.
Behind the Scenes
(a.k.a. the Introduction)
Social Rules
Those guidelines, norms, requirements,
expectations, customs, and laws,
Writ ten and unwritten, spo ken and unspoken,
That reflect a society's attitudes, values, prejudices, andfears,
And determine the roles we play and the actions we take,
As we interact with other people in society as
individuals and as groups.
When our publisher, Wayne Gilpin, approached us about
writing a book together about the Unwritten Rules of Social
Relationships, we were both, simultaneously, interested and filled
with some degree of trepidation. "There is value," he asserted, "in
sharing with the autism community the collective years of wis-
dom of two successful, socially-adept individuals who struggled
with the effects of autism and rose above the challenges of the
disorder. You both have insight and experience in the complex
arena of social functioning and people want to know how you
became the social beings you are."
On a logical, intellectual basis we both could agree with the
points Wayne was making. We did recognize the value of broad-
eningt he understanding that neurotypical people have of people
who are on the autism spectrum, especially in reference to how
we think and how that affects our social relationships. We were
The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships
both able to reflect on the difficult lessons and experiences that
contributed to the social understanding we each possess of the
world. And, a book like this appealed to us because it is a way of
giving back to the world, leaving a legacy of our thoughts on a
topic that is ever-present in the minds of parents, teachers, care-
givers and people with ASD.
Little did we realize at the time we agreed to write this book
what a mirror image of our quest for social understanding it
would turn out to be.
While we understood the task at hand, translating ideas into
action proved difficult. The farther we journeyed into discussing
the content of the book, the more nebulous the theme became.
We'd discuss one unwritten rule and a hundred exceptions
would instantaneously appear. Anxiety and frustration grew as
the project became a giant metaphor for the path our social mas-
tery took as we grew from children to adolescents to the adults
we are today. Social rules and exposure to the social world is sim-
ple and well-defined at first: As children we are taught "Don't
talk with your mouth full" or "Raise your hand in class before
speaking." So too was the initial idea for the book: Talk about
some of the unwritten social rules you learned along the way.
However, the more immersed one becomes in social situations
and social understanding, the more intricate and interwoven are
those rules, the less clear-cut they become. We descended into
that realm of fuzzy boundaries and more exceptions than rules
the more we talked about the book. As we marched forward, the
light of understanding faded.
Luckily a guide appeared in the form of our editor, Veronica
Zysk, and we each were handed a flashlight to illuminate our
path. Countless conversations provided structure to our
thoughts and organization to the ideas we felt needed to be put
forth within our writings. It quickly became apparent that our
original concept of the book-discussing the myriad and some-
