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© 2011 by Tim Clinton
Published by Baker Books
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerbooks.com
E-book edition created 2011
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ISBN 978-1-4412-3744-6
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®.
NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All
rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Scripture quotations labeled NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962,
1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
www.lockman.org
Scripture quotations labeled NKJV are from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas
Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations labeled NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996,
2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol
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To protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories with the authors, details and names have been
changed.
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their content or permanence.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Abortion
Aging
Anger
Birth Control
Cancer
Child Sexual Abuse
Chronic Pain
Codependency and Relationship Addiction
Depression
Diet and Nutrition
Divorce
Drug and Alcohol Addiction
Eating Disorders
Emotional Abuse
Envy and Jealousy
Fear and Anxiety
Forgiveness
Gossip
Grief and Loss
Infertility
Lesbianism and Same-Sex Attraction
Masturbation
Menopause
Miscarriage
Obesity
Physical Abuse
Pregnancy
Prostitution
Rape
Relationships with Men
Relationship with Christ
Roles of Women
Self-Worth and Approval
Sex Addiction
Sexual Desire and Expectations
Sexual Harassment
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Singleness
Single Parenting
Strength in Conflict and Stress
Final Thoughts
Notes
Acknowledgments
We would like to say a special thank you to all involved in helping build a
resource that we pray will be used to help counsel women all over the world,
fostering lasting hope and true heart healing through the power and love of
Jesus Christ.
A note of deep appreciation goes to Robert Hosack at Baker Books for
believing in the project and to Mary Suggs and Mary Wenger for their
excellence in editing.
Likewise, we extend sincere gratitude to the entire AACC team who helped
in the writing, editing, and research of this project: Joshua Straub, PhD
Pat Springle, MA Laura Faidley Paige Lloyd
Jena Manning Brittany Dix We would also like to thank our spouses, Julie
and Ron, and our families for their love and support through the years.
We could not enter into the work we do without you.
And to the entire AACC team and tens of thousands of pastors and Christian
counselors who are literally entering into the darkness of the lives of hurting
women. May this resource help you bring the light and hope of Jesus in every
situation. We dedicate this series to you.
Introduction
On Being Female
Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its
very essence.
Stasi Eldredge
Every woman has a story, a story that is uniquely shaped by being female. For
many women, that story is hidden, tightly locked inside a broken heart. But
behind walls of fear, anger, and hurt, the wound festers. Behind the makeup
and the pasted-on smile, women everywhere are hurting. They are confused,
afraid, scared—and silent.
Consider the story of Melanie, a woman who was repeatedly raped as a
child. Sitting across from me in the counseling office, she told me the story of
how she had been stripped, placed in a circle of men, and gang raped. The
impact on her life was profound; it was her greatest shame. She’d hidden her
story from everyone, convinced that even God would have nothing to do with
her.
“I cried all the time,” Melanie told me (Diane). “I couldn’t focus on work. I
didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to remember anything anymore. I
wanted to push it all away. I attempted to deny it all, as I had when I was a kid.
But nothing was the same. Nothing and no one could be trusted. I wondered
who I really was. I didn’t know if I could go on. Life didn’t seem worth living
anymore.”
Shame keeps women like Melanie silent. They are ashamed of the
unspeakable evils that have been done to them or what they’ve done to
themselves. Fearful of being known, of being judged and labeled, many
women are bowed down under the weight of the shame they carry. Abuse,
rape, incest, abandonment, divorce, pornography, abortions, chronic illness,
infertility, or violence has defined them. And an untold number hide their
stories and the shame and stigma that go with them.
Often the Christian community pretends that such things don’t exist. In an
effort to protect ourselves, we are silent and turn away from hurting women,
distancing ourselves from their reality. It’s hard to accept these facts:
1 in 3 women are sexually abused before age 18.
1 in 4 women are raped.
80 percent of women who work experience sexual harassment.
50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
1 in 4 marriages experience domestic violence.
21 million women have suffered emotional abuse.
1/3 of all females in relationships have experienced emotional abuse.
THE ROLE OF THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY
As the body of Christ, we are called to minister to the broken and hurting, not
to ignore them, shut them up, and tell them to get over it and move on. Too
often gossip and judgment within the church keep women from getting the
help they so desperately need.
“Do you see the woman over there?” the church whispers. “She’s the one
who was raped . . . whose husband beats her . . . whose father had sex with her
. . . whose husband left her. Poor thing!” This attitude does nothing to help and
only adds to the pain and brokenness a woman has already experienced.
We label women by their circumstances not their heart. A for abuse,
addiction, abortion, abandonment, adultery. D for depressed, domestic abuse,
drugs. I for incest, immorality, infertility, insignificance. R for raped, ruined,
rejected. S for stupid, silly, slut.
We condemn women. We push them away. We shame them. When a woman
is defined by one word, reduced to that one shameful thing about her, it
doesn’t matter what she accomplishes or what other people might think about
her. Beauty, brains, admiration, success, and respect do not touch that place of
hurt. It is always there defining, shaming, frightening, and holding her in
bondage to her past.
When the church adds to a woman’s pain through an accusing, indifferent, or
unloving attitude, we are in direct opposition to the gospel of Jesus Christ. In
Isaiah 61 Jesus proclaims His mission on earth, and it should be our heartbeat
if we are caregivers:
. . . to preach good news to the poor . . . to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the
captives . . . to comfort all who mourn . . . to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the
oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
verses 1–3
You and I cannot change women. As counselors, we cannot transform their
minds and we cannot heal their brokenness. But we know One who can. And
God gives us the privilege and responsibility of embracing women in their
pain, weeping with them, listening to them, and ultimately, leading them to
Jesus, who knows each of them intimately and longs to make them whole.
THE ART OF COUNSELING WOMEN
Everywhere we look, we find women who desperately need God’s touch,
women whose hearts are crying out for hope. Women in today’s world live
under the pressure of perfectionism. They are told that being a woman means
being strong, confident, independent, put together—and not letting anything or
anyone hurt you. This only reinforces the walls that women build to isolate
themselves and perpetuate their silence. Yet a woman’s heart remembers, and
a broken, bleeding soul cannot be healed by any measure of material success
or accomplishment.
Does any authentic remedy really exist?
We believe the answer is a resounding yes. And it starts with you. Since you
are reading the introduction to this book, you have likely been called to the
counseling ministry, to the work of authentic caregiving. You have been called
and are likely trained to some degree to deliver care, consolation, and hope to
the women in your church and community. As you work with women,
remember that “the LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose
spirits are crushed” (Ps. 34:18 NLT).
Many women feel tremendous pressure to hold it together, to be okay. In
fact, they are afraid that if they face their past, their pain will overtake them
and swallow them up. And so they run. They hide. They are silent. They exist
and yet they desperately need hope. In His providence, God has chosen you as
a vessel for the delivery of His special grace to hurting women; you have both
the privilege and responsibility to deliver that care in the most excellent and
ethical way possible.
Ministering to women must begin with looking at how Jesus ministered to
women. As caregivers, we are called to follow in the footsteps of Jesus who
went out of His way to stop and notice women, to listen to them, to love them,
and to respond to their unique needs in a culture where women were belittled
and devalued. They were viewed as second-class citizens, worthless and
unclean.
In the Gospel of Luke alone, Jesus talks with a woman or speaks about a
woman in His parables twenty-four times. Throughout His earthly ministry,
