Table Of Content“Lavender and Cavaiola have produced a workbook that guides the
reader in self-exploration and suggests ways to maintain positive self-
esteem when in relationships with difficult people. The authors present
easy-to-understand definitions, descriptions, and activities focused on
essentials that help the reader.”
—Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, NCC, FAGPA, professor
and eminent scholar at Old Dominion University in
Norfolk, VA “This practical and perceptive workbook
does more than just educate readers—it will help them
transform their relationships.”
—Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells and
The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
We dedicate this book to our wives, a couple of wonderful Irish gals: To Carolann, for all your
love, support, and encouragement.
To Maureen. You are the joy in my life! Thank you for all the ways you love me.
We also dedicate this book to all those who struggle daily in one-way relationships. It’s never
too late to make changes. May you find peace, serenity, and wholeness in all of your
relationships.
Acknowledgments
We would like to acknowledge all of our mentors at New Harbinger who have
made this workbook possible. We are especially grateful to Jess O’Brien for his
patience and support throughout this project and to Jess Beebe for her editorial
expertise. You both helped us to communicate clearly and concisely. And a
special thanks to Brady Kahn; your suggestions were spot-on. We appreciate all
the work you put into this project. We also want to thank the entire New
Harbinger staff. You’ve been wonderful to work with.
Also, to those psychologists and researchers who continue to shed light on
the evolving topic of personality disorders, we hope and pray that your work will
continue to bring healing to those who suffer in loneliness due to lack of
knowledge.
We would like to thank our families for their support, especially our lovely
wives and golf buddies and our kids, Stephen, Maura, Matthew, Alison, Jay, and
Christopher. We are also grateful to our grandchildren for providing comic relief
and playtime breaks (when we probably should have been writing or revising).
Thank you Tobin, Sophia, and Baby Liam. And Isabelle, Riley, Max, Gavin, and
Justin—you guys rock!
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
PART 1: UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM AND NARCISSISTIC
PERSONALITY DISORDER
1. THE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY
2. ARE YOU DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST?
3. NARCISSISM IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND IN THE
WORKPLACE
4. HOW THE NARCISSIST AFFECTS YOU
PART 2: PRACTICAL STRATEGIES
5. UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU CAN AND CANNOT CHANGE
6. SETTING LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES
7. ESTABLISHING BETTER COMMUNICATION
8. STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING NARCISSISTS IN FRIENDSHIP,
LOVE, AND FAMILY LIFE
9. STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING NARCISSISTS IN THE
WORKPLACE
RESOURCES
REFERENCES
Introduction
From the time each of us is a toddler, we are taught that other people’s feelings
matter, sometimes more than our own. Admonitions such as “You need to
share,” “You hurt your best friend’s feelings,” or, more recently, “It’s not all
about you” are heard by children around the world. It seems that the very act of
child rearing is about instructing a child not to be so self-centered and to
consider the feelings and needs of those around him. And let’s face it: In this life
we need others. A lot. Learning to be considerate of others is a prerequisite for a
happy and fulfilling life because, after all, we are social creatures designed to
live and work with, as well as love, those around us. At the very least, we share a
planet together and need to consider the needs of others if we are to survive.
Yet in spite of millions and millions of parents and teachers instructing their
children that other people matter—and matter a lot—there are those among us
who are incredibly self-centered. They go by different names: Self-absorbed.
Pompous. Egocentric. Grandiose. Narcissistic. Expansive and pretentious.
Thoughtless and insensitive. Inconsiderate and snobbish. These are only some of
the words used to describe people who only care about themselves. These are the
people for whom the system just didn’t seem to work: selfish little toddlers who,
now grown up, never learned that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Worse yet, they really do believe they are special and better than everyone
else. Most likely, they will try to set you straight and educate you as to who they
really are: they are special, different from everyone else. Indeed, because of this
specialness, which makes them better than anyone else, they deserve special
treatment. If you are a waitress, they will make sure that you wait only on them
to the detriment of all your other customers. If you are their coworker, the no-
smoking rule does not apply to them, they will insist, while lighting up and
blowing smoke in your face. Such rules were made for others, the mindless
sheep who do as they’re told. And don’t make the mistake of trying to change or
correct them—how dare you—by insisting that they be more considerate. They
will only try to convince you that the average person is incapable of
understanding their brilliance and sheer genius.
Truly, these are an exquisitely self-absorbed and conceited group of people.
Psychologists describe them as narcissistic, a term that comes from the ancient
Greek story of Narcissus, a god so self-centered that he actually fell in love with
his own reflection. Narcissism is abnormal and dysfunctional, and it may not
surprise you to know that someone who exhibits narcissistic traits may have a
real and serious psychological disorder known as narcissistic personality
disorder (NPD).
The general public has become more familiar with personality disorders like
NPD as the number of people with such problems has skyrocketed. Indeed,
many experts believe that NPD is reaching pandemic proportions in this country.
Why? Perhaps it is the 50 percent divorce rate that leaves children desperately
seeking attention and admiration to compensate for feelings of rejection and
neglect. Or it is parents all too willing to indulge their kids, assuaging their own
guilt by buying them anything they want to atone for their sins of being too busy
to spend time with them or to compensate for the divorce. Or perhaps it is the
fact that families in the United States are smaller than those around the world
and therefore children can demand more. Maybe it is the fact that television
promotes an “idols” wannabe mentality—“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all those
people were cheering for me?”—followed by a chaser of nonstop advertising
promising instant-celebrity status if you only purchase these colognes, jeans, or
sneakers.
Defining Personality Disorders
Personality disorders are different from other types of psychological disorders.
Here, people are not hallucinating, delusional, having panic attacks, or babbling
incoherently. They usually do not look or feel mentally ill at all. In fact, they
may be the embodiment of what you might call normal: the most popular girl in
the class, the teacher everyone adores, or that politician who was going to turn
around this economy. But they’re not normal.
Personality disorders are a unique group of psychological disorders wherein
those afflicted are missing an important part of their personality, such as a
conscience or the ability to empathize with others. The rest of their personality
appears to be intact, so people with personality disorders may look and act
incredibly normal—so normal that it sometimes takes friends and coworkers,
even spouses, years to recognize something is wrong. Complicating the
diagnosis is the sobering reality that people with personality disorders don’t
know there is anything wrong with them; they usually blame their problems on
others. Although we have seen hundreds of patients in our combined careers and
probably hundreds with personality disorders, neither one of us can recall even
one person who ever made an appointment to treat his personality disorder.
Clients with personality disorders may realize that they have problems in their
marriage, with alcoholism, or with another disorder (which may be
superimposed on a personality disorder), but not one of our clients has ever
recognized his underlying personality disorder. That makes it all the more
difficult to deal with.
There are somewhere around eleven to fifteen different types of personality
disorders; the number changes according to which expert you are talking to.
While each of these disorders is unique, a primary symptom that they all share is
the inability to have good interpersonal relationships.
If, among difficult people, those with personality disorders stand out from
the crowd, then those people with narcissistic personality disorder stand out even
more.
