The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook: Everything I Know About Love and Marriage (with corrections by Mrs. Doocy)

256 Pages·2006·1.15 MB·English

by  Steve Doocy

The
M Mrs

.
r.
&
HAPPY HANDBOOK
Everything I Know About
Love and Marriage
❤
! 1

S T E V E D O O C Y
(with corrections by Mrs. Doocy)
To Kathy, Peter, Mary, and Sally,
thanks for making me Mr. Happy
❤
❤
Contents
1
INTRODUCTION
5
chapter one: In the Beginning . . .
7
For His Eyes Only: Ladies, Please Skip This Passage
7
My Date with Destiny: October 27, 1985
14
chapter two: The Wedding and the Honeymoon
15
Our Wedding Day: Countdown to Cake
18
George of the Wedding Jungle: W’s Dos and Don’ts
21
What’s a Honeymoon? A History Lesson
22
Adam and Steve: My Accidental Honeymoon
26
Lovers and Lepers: My Honeymoon with Meg Ryan
30
Honeymoon Horror Story: The Man from Glad
32
Porn to Be Wild: Should You Camcorder Everything?
33
A for Effort: Grading the Honeymoon
35
chapter three: Marriage
35
You’re Mr. & Mrs. Happy: Now What?
37
What We Really Want: The Lowdown on Love
37
I Can See Clearly Now: The End of the Honeymoon Effect
38
From “I Do” to “Uh-oh”: Retraining the New Hire
42
Wedding Ca$her$: I Married a Cheapskate
44
Love Me (Legal) Tender: Marrieds and Money
48
Tastes Like Chicken: The Fear Factor
iv ✦ Contents
51
The Edit Sweet: Honesty
54
Married to the Mom: In-laws
57
I Dropped When I Shopped: Gift Fatigue
60
Saturday-Night Fights: How to Argue Without Gunplay
63
Oh No, It’s Geraldo! When There’s an Age Difference
67
Rules of Engagement: Married in the Military
71
Gimme Shelter: Your First Home
74
A Moving Experience: Relocating Your Family
79
The Aliens Next Door: Your Neighbors
83
Mr. Handy: Home Remodeling
87
King of Pain: Should I Go to the Hospital?
90
When I’m Dead, She’s Rich: Wife Insurance
93
Pet of the Year: Animal House
97
Volun-teers of a Clown: Public Service
101
Good Sports: Playing Together
104
Our Marriage Is Perfect, Let’s Date! An Experiment
108
chapter four: Kids
108
Growing Your Family Tree: What Are You In For?
110
Pee on the Stick: Pregnancy
114
Dial M for Mother: Delivery Day
119
Sorry, Tallulah’s Taken: Naming the Baby
123
Breast Intentions: Feeding in Public
126
Fear Factor: Baby Monitoring
130
Nannygate: Finding a Babysitter
135
Say What? Kids Say the Darnedest Things
138
Parent Trap: A Parent’s Pop Quiz
142
Making the Grade: Time for School
147
My Boy in the Bubble: Are You Too Protective?
151
Where Did We Go Wrong? Worst-Case Scenarios
152
Crime and Punishment: Discipline
156
The Birds, the Bees, the Carrot: Talking About Sex
160
Dine and Dash: Feeding Time
165
Frequent-Crier Miles: Traveling with Kids
168
Almost Rubbed Out by Rudolph: Freak Accidents
Contents ✦ v
My Father the Spy, My Mother the Murderer:
173
What Parents Do for Their Kids
177
Be Prepared: Girl and Boy Scouts
186
The Coach Bag: Going Out for the Team
193
The Graduate: Kids and College
200
chapter five: Mature Topics
200
Where Do I Plug This In? Appliances
I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Wear This Thong:
200
Do Not Attempt This at Home
The Love Machine, by Kenmore:
202
Mom and Dad Take a Time-out
204
Porn Losers: When You See Things You Should Not
206
Me Tarzan, You Neighbor: Swingers
207
chapter six: Troubleshooting
207
Kill Him with Kindness: Desperate Housewives
210
The Doctor Is In, the Parking Lot: Affairs
213
When It Hits the Fan: Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford
215
Mother of All Arguments: The Prenup
220
chapter seven: Happily Ever After
220
Cracking the Code: The Secret to a Long, Happy Marriage
221
“Yes, Dear, Pour Me a Beer”: The Longest Marriage on Earth
223
Honeymooner Hall of Fame: Real-Life Success Stories
Peggy Sue Got Married:
225
Marrying Your High School Sweetheart
229
The 4-H Club: Recipe for a Happy Marriage
231
Where’s the Tabasco? How to Keep Marriage Exciting
The Not-So-Newlywed Game:
233
Five Questions for Your Spouse
234
Niagara Falls Plus Fifty: Good News: Love Lasts
237
I’M ALMOST OUT OF TONER: FINAL THOUGHTS
243
AUTHOR THANK-YOUS AND SHOUT-OUTS
About the Author
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction
I
was eight when a grown man in khaki shorts and black knee
socks presented me with a book that would change my life: The
Boy Scout Handbook. The secrets of the world, in one squat two-
pound reference book. Over the next few years I’d use it to learn
how to build a campfire without matches, the correct way to wear
the neckerchief, and a skill I still use every day, correct knot tying.
If you spot me leaving Home Depot with lumber on my roof this
weekend, you can bet it’s secured to my car with a clove hitch.
When I was twelvish, the handbook was losing its edge. I’d
learned only half of the semaphore alphabet, which made sending
dirty messages practically impossible. And a young man with
bubbling hormones can only be captivated by Boy’s Life magazine
for so long. That’s when I realized that if The Boy Scout Handbook
was to show me how to “be prepared” for the life ahead, where
was the chapter on Girl Scouts? There wasn’t one. And what about
the Girl Scouts organization—were they preparing young women
to meet young men? No, they were training future women how to
be contestants on The Apprentice by thinking of 101 ways to sell
Thin Mints.
2 ✦ Steve Doocy
When we proudly took our first child home from the hospi-
tal, I remember my wife turning to me in the car with a worried
look I’d never seen before, saying, “We need an owner’s manual for
this kid.” It would have been useful in figuring out how to change
his oil.
In the many years since I retired my Boy Scout Totin’ Chip, I’ve
longed for a book of commonsense stories that would preview
and advise me on the quasi-mysterious parts of life. Think of this
book as an operator’s manual for marriage, children, and family.
(The pet stuff is an added bonus.)
We all crave help; however, there is no centralized authority
on this stuff. We’d like to think that somebody knows all. That per-
son probably has a stentorian voice and a silvery head of hair and
wears an ascot. Unfortunately, Phil Donahue won’t return your
phone calls.
So realistically, from whom do people get advice? Sadly, many
turn to their gabby neighbor whose greatest married achievement
is teaching his wife to do that maraschino-cherry trick ...or a ra-
dio show host who’s been married four times. That seems to be
what the cultural tennis-ball machine is firing at us these days.
This is not an advice book per se (Latin for per se) because
what worked for me and the many people I’ve interviewed for this
book may not work for you. It’s more of a DON’T TRY THIS AT
HOME book. We’ve already made almost every conceivable mis-
take and can save you the wear and tear of being an idiot yourself.
I bring to the book nook the practical advice of a man married
twenty consecutive years, to the same wonderful woman who two
decades ago made a clean break with reality and married me. (Ed-
itor’s Note: Insert Steve’s current wife’s name here.)
Kathy. Saint Kathy.
“You look like a happy person” is what George W. Bush said to
The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook ✦ 3
my wife when the Secret Service accidentally allowed us into the
White House. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who in
spite of having several years on me could still snap my neck like a
toothpick, took one look at me and then a long look at my wife
and pronounced, “It looks like you married up, son.” Then he
asked my wife if she was interested in enlisting in the army, and
she said, “Only if they have Pilates.”
There are also plenty of stories about those short people who
share your house and want stuff—kids. Followed by chapters on
mature topics and troubleshooting for tricky times when the
warning light on your dashboard o’ love is flashing. Finally, a few
wise words on the getting to the “happily ever after” part. This
thorough manual covers everything from honeymoon to last rites.
Here are some of the things you’ll learn about if you’re lucky
and/or paying attention:
✦ Why the only time you can be 100 percent sure your
spouse is telling the truth involves a strong narcotic and a
long hose
✦ My accidental honeymoon with a man, and my eventual
real honeymoon with my wife, Meg Ryan
✦ A wealthy husband who buried his own mother in a
wholesale casket
✦ Our $327,090 dog
✦ How a neighbor’s kid started a cockfight in our living room
✦ What happened when my wife and I joined an online dat-
ing service to prove that we were meant for each other. De-
spite the fact that our one-month experiment ended last
year, she’s still getting e-mailed photos of single men whose
photos appear to have been taken at a skinhead conven-
tion. Luckily she still prefers bonehead to skinhead.