Table Of ContentTHE
MACHIAVELLIAN’S
GUIDE
TO
Insults
THE
MACHIAVELLIAN’S
GUIDE
TO
Insults
Nick Casanova
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The Machiavellian’s Guide to Insults
Copyright © 2008 by Nick Casanova
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Contents
Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xiii
Part I Deflating Big Egos
The Proud Owner of a New Car. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
The Proud Homeowner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Rich Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Poor Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
Talk about Your Wealthy Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
The Professional . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
The Wealth Flaunter. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
The Proud Parent. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
The Self-Proclaimed Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
The Aging Athlete. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
The Tiresome Comedian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
The Tough Guy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
The Braggart. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
The Person Who Thinks He’s Special. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
Forget His Name . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Get Him Confused with Someone Else. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
vii
viii The Machiavellian’s Guide to Insults
Make it Clear You’re Not Listening to Him. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
Withhold Eye Contact . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Part II Appearances
“I Saw Someone Who Looks Exactly Like You!”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Fatso. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
Skinny . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Short . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
Tall. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Ugly. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
Handsome . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
Beautiful. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
If You Know She’s Had Plastic Surgery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
Helpfully Suggest Plastic Surgery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55
The Fashion Victim . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
Part III Sex and Sexuality
His Girlfriend. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
Her Boyfriend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
If He Has No Love Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64
If She Has a Slight Reputation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66
The Man Who Frequents Strip Clubs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68
The Unmarried Woman. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
The Adulterer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
The Multiple Divorcee. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
Contents ix
Gay Men. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76
Lesbians . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
If He Thinks He’s a Stud . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
Part IV Personality Types
The Temperamental Twit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
The Drama Queen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86
The Pollyanna. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88
The Ass-Kisser . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
The Hypochondriac . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
The Neurotic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
Accuse Him of Being a Sociopath. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
The Liar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
The Bully . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99
The Second-Guesser. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
Mr./Mrs. Cute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102
The Egocentrist. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
Part V Vices and Other Weaknesses
The Smoker . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
The Moderate Social Drinker . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109
The Recovering Alcoholic. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
The Talkaholic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
Mock Someone Else with the Same Achilles’ Heel . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
Laud a Trait Your Victim Lacks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117
Description:Have you ever wanted to lash out at someone but lacked the appropriate putdown? The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults takes a humorous approach to dealing with such annoying personalities as the drama queen, the wealth flaunter, the self-proclaimed brain, the temperamental twit, and the talkaholic. R
