The Kids' Guide to Working Out Conflicts: How to Keep Cool, Stay Safe, and Get Along

161 Pages·2004·23.83 MB·English

by  Naomi Drew M.A.

Includes kids’ own
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THE KIDS’ GUIDE TO stories & survey
results!

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WORKING OUT CONFLICTS HHooww ttoo KKeeeepp CCooooll,, SSttaayy SSaaffee,, aanndd GGeett AAlloonngg
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I
NAOMI DREW, M.A.
Praise for
THE KIDS’ GUIDE TO
WWoorrkkiinngg OOuutt
CCOONNFFLLIICCTTSS
National Parenting Publication Award (NAPPA) Children’s Resources Winner
Honor Award—Skipping Stones Multicultural Magazine
iParenting Media Award
“Will help youngsters to develop more mature coping skills. Useful for libraries
and for peer-mediation programs.”—School Library Journal
“Gives kids the skills they need to take much of the sting out of those tender
years.”—Teaching K–8
“Informative.... An excellent text for a course dealing with any aspect of bullying,
anger management, peacemaking, or conflict resolution.”—Children’s Literature
“Promotes clear-headed thinking, thoughtful responses in place of rash
reactions.”—The Kenan Institute for Ethics at Duke University
“This book is a gold mine of wonderful strategies that will help today’s youth
become peaceful, contributing, healthy beings.”—Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of
Don’t Give Me That Attitude!andNo More Misbehavin’
“This book leaves readers with everyday strategies to work out conflicts, and,
as a result, become happier in their relationships with their family and friends.
Naomi Drew offers her readers the hope that every day is an opportunity to
change.”—Christopher J. Campisano, Ed.D., New Jersey Department of Education
“I heartily recommend The Kids’ Guide to Working Out Conflictsto any parent or
child—or world leader for that matter.”—Greg Martin, coauthor of The Buddha in
Your Mirror

THE KIDS’ GUIDE TO
WWoorrkkiinngg OOuutt
CCOONNFFLLIICCTTSS
HHooww ttoo KKeeeepp CCooooll,, SSttaayy SSaaffee,, aanndd GGeett AAlloonngg
NAOMI DREW, M.A.
Copyright © 2004 by Naomi Drew, M.A.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Unless otherwise noted,
no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without express written permission of
the publisher, except for brief quotations or critical reviews. For more information, go to www.freespirit.com/
company/permissions.cfm.
Free Spirit, Free Spirit Publishing, and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Free
Spirit Publishing Inc. A complete listing of our logos and trademarks is available at www.freespirit.com.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Drew, Naomi.
The kids’ guide to working out conflicts : how to keep cool, stay safe, and get along / Naomi Drew.
p. cm.
Summary: Describes common forms of conflict, the reasons behind conflicts, and various positive ways
to deal with and defuse tough situations at school, at home, and in the community without getting physical.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 1-57542-150-X
1. Interpersonal conflict—Juvenile literature. [1. Conflict management. 2. Conflict (Psychology) 3. Fighting
(Psychology) 4. Interpersonal relations.] I. Title.
BF637.I48D74 2004
303.6'9'0835—dc22
2003021108
eBook ISBN: 978-1-57542-740-9
At the time of this book’s publication, all facts and figures cited are the most current available. All telephone
numbers, addresses, and Web site URLs are accurate and active; all publications, organizations, Web sites,
and other resources exist as described in this book; and all have been verified as of September 2009. The
author and Free Spirit Publishing make no warranty or guarantee concerning the information and materials
given out by organizations or content found at Web sites, and we are not responsible for any changes that
occur after this book’s publication. If you find an error or believe that a resource listed here is not as
described, please contact Free Spirit Publishing. Parents, teachers, and other adults: We strongly urge you
to monitor children’s use of the Internet.
The people depicted on the cover are models and are used for illustrative purposes only. The names of the
young people quoted throughout the book have been changed to protect their privacy.
Reading Level Grades 6 & Up; Interest Level Ages 10–14;
Fountas & Pinnell Guided Reading Level X
Printed on recycled paper
Edited by Marjorie Lisovskis including 30%
Cover and interior design by Marieka Heinlen post-consumer waste
Index by Kay K. Schlembach
Illustrated by Chris Sharp
10 9 8 7 6 5
Printed in the United States of America
W20930210
Free Spirit Publishing Inc.
217 Fifth Avenue North, Suite 200
Minneapolis, MN 55401-1299
[phone]
[email protected]
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D
EDICATION
This book is dedicated to every young person
who has ever extended a hand of kindness to kids who are
left out or picked on. May countless others follow in your footsteps.
A
CKNOWLEDGMENTS
Books are never written alone. I’m grateful to so many people for their involve-
ment. My warmest thanks to:
• my wonderful editor, Margie Lisovskis, for her warmth, insight, keen eye,
and commitment to excellence.
• Free Spirit staffers, Douglas Fehlen, Darsi Dreyer, and Amy Dillahunt, for
the generous support they have given to this book.
• Judy Galbraith for her enthusiasm, support, and belief in this book, and
for her dedication to the well-being of kids.
• my husband, Mel Baum, for his ever-present faith in me and the work I do.
• my sons, Michael and Tim, whose lives continue to inspire me every day.
• my father, Philip Schreiber, for his support and belief in me.
• my mother, Molly Schreiber, may she rest in peace, for her luminous soul,
and for setting the foundation for all the work I do.
• my dear friend, Virginia Abu Bakr, for her wisdom and loving support,
and for the peace shield concept that appears in this book.
• my gifted teacher, Kirin Mishra, who provides the spirit of Saraswati that
runs through my life.
• my guidance counselor and friend, Yvonne Amalina DeCarolis, for the
information and insight she provided for this book.
• all the kids whose words and thoughts appear in this book. Your impact is
far-reaching.
• all the kids I’ve worked with over the years whose voices speak through
the words I write. You have taught me more than you will ever know.
• all the teachers, administrators, and counselors I have had the privilege to
work with. Your concerns and insights flow through this book.

C
ONTENTS
Introduction: How This Book Can Help You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
Step 1: Open Your Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6
What Starts a Conflict? What Makes It Grow? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Conflict Triggers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Willingness Lets You Put the Brakes on Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
What Happens When You’re NOT Willing to Work Out Conflicts? . . . . . . . . 12
What Are Your Willingness Blocks? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
What Happens When You ARE Willing to Work Out Conflicts? . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Basement or Balcony—Your Choice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
Step 2: Decide to Become a Conflict Solver . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20
What Conflict Makers Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
What Conflict Solvers Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Where Do You Stand? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
When the Other Person Isn’t Willing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Fake It Till You Make It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
Team Earth Needs Your Help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
“Yes, But” Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
What to Do When Your Friends Have Conflicts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Are You Ready to Be a Conflict Solver? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
Step 3: Become a Better Listener . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36
NOT Listening Fuels Conflicts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Listening Is Your Path to Personal Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Check Out Your Listening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Try the Bad Listening/Good Listening Game . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
Listen So You Really Understand: Reflective Listening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Play the “Sounds Like. . .” Game . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
Using Reflective Listening When There’s a Conflict: Two Examples . . . . . . . 47
Good Listening Builds Good Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
Step 4: Use Win/Win Guidelines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50
1. Cool off . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
2. Talk the problem over using I-messages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
3. Listen while the other person speaks, and say back what you heard . . . . . 56
4. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
5. Brainstorm solutions and choose one that’s fair to both of you . . . . . . . . . . 60
6. Affirm, forgive, thank, or apologize to each other . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
Putting It All Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
“Yes, But” Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65
Be a Role Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
Step 5: Manage Your Anger and Gain Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .68
What Are Your Anger Pitfalls? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68
Why Do So Many People Have Trouble Managing Anger? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
Three Secrets to Getting a Handle on Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
Decide Not to Get Hooked . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75
Make Yourself Zinger-Proof . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
Protect Yourself from Other People’s Angry Vibes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
When Anger Leads to Physical Fighting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81
Take Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83
Step 6: Learn to Manage Stress and Stay Calm, Cool, and Confident . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .84
Do You Know Your Stress Signals? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86
What’s on Your Mind? Find the Calm Confidence Within You . . . . . . . . . . . . 88
More Ways to Stay Calm and Cool . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 92
De-Stress with Yoga and Meditation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
Choose Calmness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
Step 7: Be Smart About Bullying . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .99
Teasing versus Bullying: What’s the Difference? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
Eight Ways to Stop Teasing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102
Why Do People Bully? Is It Really Such a Big Problem? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
Self-Check: Are You Bullying or Harassing Anyone? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
What to Do If You’ve Bullied Others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106
What to Do If Someone Is Bullying You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108
“Yes, But” Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
Bullying and Sexual Harassment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
Choose to Be a Peacemaker . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117
Step 8: Build Yourself Up from the Inside Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .118
Follow a Day-by-Day Plan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118
Strengthen Your Courage Muscle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119
Strengthen Your Forgiveness Muscle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
Observe Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123
Observe Others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124
Believe in Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125
Resources for You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134
Working Out Conflicts Survey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .137
References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .139
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .141
About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .146
L R P
IST OF EPRODUCIBLE AGES
My Conflict Triggers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Conflict Log . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Conflict Solver’s Action Plan: Day 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127
Conflict Solver’s Action Plan: Day 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 128
Conflict Solver’s Action Plan: Day 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
Conflict Solver’s Action Plan: Day 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 130
Conflict Solver’s Action Plan: Day 5 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
Conflict Solver’s Action Plan: Day 6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 132
Conflict Solver’s Action Plan: Day 7 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133