Table Of ContentD O N ’ T
P A N I C
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
The inky blackness of space stretching on and on in all
directions, stars twinkling away, nebulas twisting
colourfully, supernovas erupting silently.
In the centre of frame is a small computer pad rotating end
over end, data and text scrolling up it in accordance with
the narration...
THE GUIDE (V.O.)
This is the story of a book.
(beat)
The most remarkable book ever to
come out of the great publishing
corporations of Ursa Minor.
(beat)
It is not only remarkable, but
successful too: indeed, in many of
the more relaxed civilisations on
the Outer Eastern Rim of the
Galaxy, it has supplanted the
Encyclopedia Galactica as the
standard repository for all
knowledge. This is true, despite
containing many omissions, and much
that is apocryphal, or at least
wildly inaccurate, for two main
reasons.
(beat)
One: it is slightly cheaper. And
two: it contains the words DON’T
PANIC inscribed in large friendly
letters on its cover.
The pad closes in on itself, revealing its cover - with the
letters DON’T PANIC stencilled on - huge, bold and red.
THE GUIDE (V.O.)
This book... is The Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy.
SWING AROUND to FOCUS on one planet in particular - the
Earth.
THE GUIDE (V.O.)
Such is the depth and breadth of
the scope of the Guide, that even
an insignificant planet like the
Earth has its own article.
The Guide pops back into view in the corner of the frame,
opening itself up and scrolling down to an article headed
“Earth”.
2.
THE GUIDE (V.O.)
Unfortunately, due to space
constraints and the ineffectuality
of the world, the article is
condensed down to just one succinct
word:
(beat)
Harmless.
The word “HARMLESS” blinks into view over the image of the
Earth, flashing a couple of times before disappearing.
THE GUIDE (V.O.)
For that reason, the Vogon
Constructor Fleet entering into
orbit around this planet expected
little in the way of resistance or
intelligence.
(beat)
They were right.
Hundreds of oblong-shaped yellow dreadnoughts blast their way
noiselessly into Earth’s orbit, each of them descending at a
leisurely pace into the atmosphere.
FOLLOW the ships down as they take up their positions, and
then we:
BEGIN MONTAGE
-- The Pyramids and the Sphinx disappear into shadow as a
Vogon ship appears above them;
-- The Taj Mahal changes from gleaming white marble to a
stunning pink as the light level changes, with a Vogon ship
looming large above it;
-- The White House struggles to live up to its name as it is
plunged into darkness, dwarfed by the giant vessel hanging in
the sky;
-- The Eiffel Tower, pushing its way into the clouds,
suddenly disappears into shade, before a few seconds later,
its lights kick in and it reappears, glowing like a runway at
night;
-- St Basil’s Cathedral in Red Square vanishes completely in
the shadow of the huge Vogon vessel positioned above it - and
the sound of several rifle-bolts being drawn back from the
nearby Kremlin walls can be clearly heard.
-- A London city-street as a ship settles in above it,
causing traffic to CRASH into each other - horns BLARE
noisily, people climb out of cars to argue, then look up...
END MONTAGE
3.
EXT. JODRELL BANK - DAY
The huge radio telescope that is the centre of Britain’s
astronomical activity. The radar dish is pointing at the sky -
in the opposite direction to the one the Vogon ship is
approaching from.
PUSH IN on the building.
INT. COMPUTER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Where a TECHNICIAN, mid-20s, snotty and geeky, sits hunched
over his computer terminal, watching a line monotonously draw
itself across the screen. He looks bored out of his mind.
He sits back in his chair, glances at his watch, then comes
to a decision.
Rocking forwards again, he Alt & Tabs away from the screen
and onto Facebook, and more specifically FarmVille. He begins
planting his crops with speed, engrossed.
The red phone perched on his desk RINGS sharply, breaking his
concentration.
Irritated, he picks up the phone and listens, switching back
to the monitoring screen on his computer.
TECHNICIAN
No, sir. No change. Nothing out of
the ordinary far as I can tell.
A beat, then:
BOSS (O.S.)
(so loud it can be heard
down the phone)
Look out of the bloody window!
The technician, freaking a bit, drops the phone on the floor,
scrambles to his feet, and hurriedly begins climbing the
stairs.
STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS
Where the technician leaps up the stairs two, three at a
time, for once desperate to escape the basement...
EXT. OUTSIDE JODRELL BANK - CONTINUOUS
And he bursts outside, looking up at the sky, his eyes going
wide... before rolling up as he faints dead away.
4.
EXT. CITY STREET - SAME TIME
CAPTION: London, England.
A mass pile-up in place, with cars bumper-to-bumper
stretching right down the road. But no-one cares. Everyone’s
standing on the pavement, looking up.
Not just looking - some are staring, some are gawping. Most
have mobile phones ready and primed, taking photos and video
of this remarkable event.
And then, from the ship above them, a small speaker descends
just a few feet. It crackles into life...
JELTZ (O.S.)
(oozing calm)
Good day, citizens of the Earth.
BEGIN MONTAGE
-- The Pyramids and Sphinx again. The voice seems to emanate
from the Sphinx itself, like the Voice of the Ages...
JELTZ (O.S.) (CONT’D)
This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of
the Vogon Construction Fleet.
-- The White House, where a crowd has gathered, waiting with
bated breath, looking at the entrance to the building...
JELTZ (O.S.) (CONT’D)
I hereby inform you that in the
time period known to you as fifteen
minutes, this planet shall be
obliterated to make way for the new
Alpha Centauri bypass.
-- The Eiffel Tower, where people carry on about their
business seemingly as normal, not caring about the ships, the
voice, or the threat. Someone plays an accordion tunelessly.
JELTZ (O.S.) (CONT’D)
We apologise for the short notice,
but hope that you will enjoy the
exciting opportunities the new
bypass has to offer.
END MONTAGE
EXT. CITY STREET - SAME TIME
Back to the street again, where the crowd are still in pretty
much the same positions, listening intently.
JELTZ (O.S.)
Hope you had a pleasant existence.
5.
And that’s it. The speaker retracts back inside the ship.
Stunned silence for a few beats. Then --
Chaos.
Panic sets in. People run around, up the street, down the
street, across the road. Someone runs smack into a lamppost.
INT. CAFE - SAME TIME
CAPTION: Rickmansworth, England
A small greasy-spoon place, crowded and horrible, filled with
workmen and unemployed wanting a cheap meal.
PUSH THROUGH the cafe, past a young woman face down in her
sandwich, and onto the TV, where the US President is stood
before a lectern, about to make a speech. Next to him, the
Prime Minister leans into shot, eager to get his face seen.
PRESIDENT
My fellow citizens. I’m speaking to
the world here through the voice of
America. Because at a time like
this, I believe everyone needs to
pull together.
(beat)
No doubt, by now you’ve all heard
the Vogon message. Rest assured, we
have top people all around the
world trying their utmost to
communicate with them...
EXT. MISSILE SILO - SAME TIME
A huge bunker perched on a cliff, silhouetted in the enforced
darkness, suddenly opens itself up.
Inside is a huge missile, sleek and deadly.
BLAST! It streaks out of the silo, launching itself upwards
with terrific force.
PRESIDENT (V.O.)
We are striving to find a
diplomatic solution to this
problem.
The missile SHOOTS through the atmosphere.
PULL BACK WIDER to REVEAL several more missiles joining it in
formation, all of them pointing straight upwards - towards
the Vogon vessels...
6.
PRESIDENT (V.O.)
But, in case all else fails, we
have countermeasures in place.
(beat)
Fifteen minutes may not seem like
long, but it’s more than enough
time for us to strike back if need
be.
(beat)
Now it’s time for me to ask you to
do something for us. For all the
human race.
(beat)
Never before in the entirety of our
history have we faced a crisis like
this.
(beat)
We’re all in this together. So
now’s the time to put aside all our
petty differences.
(beat)
Because, when our backs are against
the wall, we shall line up
together, all of us, and prove once
and for all, that humanity shall
not disappear - we will stand
together, and we will fight to the
end!
APPLAUSE and CHEERING drown out the last of the President’s
words, but the intent is clear - this is humanity’s
crossroads.
The missiles burn closer and closer towards the Vogon ships,
ready for the attack...
INT. VOGON CANTEEN - SAME TIME
A huge, horrible room, all green and slime, with several
Vogon workers sitting around on the scattered tables.
The Vogons look similar to the room they’re sitting in -
green, gunky and gloopy, and most of them are huge hulking
gloopy gunks.
The lead table has seven Vogons sitting at it, most of them
slurping a brown liquid out of metal cups, whilst at the head
of the table sits JELTZ.
Unlike the other Vogons, Jeltz has a modicum of intelligence -
or that might just be a slightly curved brow due to
inbreeding.
He twists his arm around to look at a device on his elbow,
then gets to his feet urgently.
7.
JELTZ
(shouting to the room)
Drink up, lads. We’ve got work to
do.
There’s a chorus of MOANS and GRUNTS from the assorted
workers.
NARDANG, Jeltz’s younger, higher-pitched number two, crosses
his legs in an act of defiance, staring down Jeltz.
JELTZ (CONT’D)
No point being like that.
NARDANG
Can’t we have a sly five more?
JELTZ
You’ve had over as it is. Need I
remind everyone that we’re on
performance-based pay now?
(beat)
We’ve three more planets to do
before dinnertime...
EXT. OUTSIDE VOGON SHIPS - SAME TIME
The missiles, hundreds of them now, flying in perfect
formation, STREAK towards the ships, getting closer and
closer...
INT. VOGON CORRIDORS - SAME TIME
As the Vogon workers, led by Jeltz amble down the corridors,
grumbling, shrugging on their yellow hi-vis jackets as they
trundle on.
Jeltz stops by a heavy-set door, and places his stubby hand
on a locking mechanism.
The door CREAKS open, and Jeltz steps through onto:
THE BRIDGE
Where he purposefully continues his brisk stride, marching
straight up to a chair set on a dais far above the rest of
the low-tech grungy room.
He settles into the chair, which swivels around
automatically. Pushing a button on the chair arm, Jeltz
activates a viewscreen, which flickers into life before
him...
8.
EXT. OUTSIDE VOGON SHIPS - SAME TIME
The missiles are almost there, within touching distance...
This is the time...
And then - the missiles MELT away, vanishing from existence
as they come into contact with an energy barrier of some
kind.
INT. VOGON BRIDGE - SAME TIME
Jeltz, watching this, SNORTS, amused at the turn of events.
JELTZ
Apathetic bloody planet. I’ve no
sympathy at all.
And with that, he slams a fat finger down on a huge red
button set into the chair arm.
EXT. OUTSIDE VOGON SHIP - SAME TIME
The base of the ship opens up, revealing a huge destructor
cannon, a device that reeks of death.
It TILTS itself downwards, pointing directly at the ground,
and begins to power up, energy radiating off it noisily.
Then it stops.
A WHITE-HOT BEAM shoots out of the cannon viciously, aiming
straight for the ground, hitting it in seconds and CRUMPLING
it instantly...
EXT. SPACE - SAME TIME
ON the Earth, as the Vogon ships activate their destructor
cannons in unison.
The planet’s unable to withstand the sheer power, and FOLDS
in on itself, the whole world CRUNCHING down like someone
screwing up a paper ball.
Until...
NOTHING.
The planet has gone. Folded in on itself in an example of
physics gone mad.
All that remains are the Vogon ships, now orbiting nothing,
before they begin to move off to their next destination.
Description:Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository for all knowledge. This is true,
despite containing many omissions, and much that is apocryphal, or at least.
