The Handbook of Law Firm Mismanagement for the 21st Century

225 Pages·2003·5.377 MB·English

by  Arnold B. Kanter

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The Handbook of
Law Firm
Mismanagement
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Other Books by Arnold B. Kanter
The Essential Book of Interviewing
The Lawyer’s Big Book of Fun
Was That a Tax Lawyer Who Just Flew Over?
The Ins & Outs of Law Firm Mismanagement
Advanced Law Firm Mismanagement
The Handbook of Law Firm Mismanagement
The Secret Memoranda of Stanley J. Fairweather
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The Handbook of
Law Firm
Mismanagement
fffffooooorrrrr ttttthhhhheeeee 2222211111sssssttttt CCCCCeeeeennnnntttttuuuuurrrrryyyyy
by Arnold B. Kanter
illustrated by Paul Hoffman
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Text © 2003 Arnold B. Kanter
Illustrations © Paul Hoffman
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or
reproduced in any manner without written permission,
except in the context of reviews.
First edition
CATBIRD PRESS
16 Windsor Road, North Haven, CT 06473
800-360-2391; [email protected]
www.catbirdpress.com
Our books are distributed by Independent Publishers Group
This book is a work of fiction, and the characters and events in it
are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is
coincidental and not intended by the author.
Versions of “Justice Beyond” and “The Black Hole of Belugessi”
originally appeared in The Student Lawyer
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kanter, Arnold B., 1942-
The handbook of law firm mismanagement for the 21st century / by
Arnold B. Kanter ; illustrated by Paul Hoffman.-- 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-945774-57-5 (alk. paper)
1. Law firms--Humor. 2. Lawyers--Humor. I. Title
PS3561.A477 H355 2003
818’.5402--dc21
2002015144
5
For Carol
My managing partner
in fair weather, and foul
6
7
Contents
Introduction – Survival of the Unfittest 9
Law As a Business
Form and Function 10
I Now Pronounce You 15
Now You See It, Now You Don’t 20
Nobody’s Business 25
Brand New 29
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil 34
Enough of Mismanagement 39
Foreign Capital 44
Giving the Devil His Due 49
Economically Speaking 55
A Tangled Web We Weave 60
The Last Word 65
Recruitment
A Whole New Ballgame 67
Sex and Practice 73
Lateraling Out 78
Well Schooled 82
Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth 87
Does Anyone Have a Match? 92
Diverse Problems 97
Heaven Can Wait 102
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Temporarily Out of Order 107
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies 112
The Last Word 116
Associates
One Size Fits All 118
Justice Beyond 123
Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh 129
Under Your Wing 134
A Game of Chance 140
Dressing for Success 145
Gym Dandy 151
The Black Hole of Belugessi 156
Freedom to Associate 163
Truth and Consequences 168
The Last Word 174
Partners/The Full Firm
The Retiring Type 175
The Party’s Over 180
Secure in Our Beliefs 185
The Whole Lawyer 190
Partnership Assets 196
You Can’t Tell a Book Group by Its Cover 200
Onward and Ever Upward 206
Kindly Refrain From Feeding the Attorneys 211
Which Solution? 217
The Last Word 222
End of an Era 223
9
Survival of the Unfittest
Why study law firm mismanagement? Well, if you ask that ques-
tion (as somebody just did), you are probably unfamiliar with
the old saw that “he who does not study history is doomed to
repeat it.” In this day of heightened competition among law
firms, in what has aptly been called a muskrat-eat-muskrat
world, it is crucial for the law firm that would survive (and
which law firm would not like to do that, eh?) to avoid the trap
of old mismanagement techniques by developing and utilizing
the newest and best mismanagement techniques.
As Darwin predicted in one of his very long tomes that very
few people have the patience to read, only the fittest survive.
Competing species – and surely law firms are species – will tend
to deviate in order to find their survival niche. Thus, if one ob-
serves closely the beaks of finches in certain islands of the
Galápagos archipelago through seasons of drought and heavy
rain, one will note that the shape and length of those beaks will
change according to the availability of certain types of food and
the accessibility of that food to various types of beaks. Guppies
will do something like that, too, in other circumstances. And
though most law firms neither have beaks nor swim, that hardly
makes them immune from the forces of evolution.
To summarize, fit law firms – firms that are well managed
– will survive in their niche. Unfit firms will scramble to main-
tain their existence by seeking a different sort of niche, the most
mismanaged. Since most law firms, as a species, are not well
managed, the competition among mismanaged firms is ferocious.
So if you want to get a toe up in the struggle to survive through
effective mismanagement, you’d best read this book real care-
fully.