The gift of anger : seven steps to uncover the meaning of anger and gain awareness, true strength, and peace

151 Pages·2011·1.03 MB·English

by  Cannon

“The Gift of Anger is a concise and easily followed guide to
understanding and managing anger. By weaving together simple and
graspable case examples and insightful broad principles, Marcia
Cannon shows us a way to enhance our emotional competence in an
important domain.”
—Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., director of Stanford Forgiveness
Project and author of Forgive for Good
“Cannon’s book is an invaluable tool for thoroughly and soulfully
mining the experience of anger for all of its gifts of insight, depth, and
growth.”
—Kathy Carlson, Ph.D., MFT, psychotherapist, writer, and
documentary filmmaker
“No anger is needed to benefit from reading this exceptional book.
This is a manual written by a gifted therapist who looks at the positive
effects anger can have on one’s life.”
—Linda L. Haase, ABT, RM is an Asian Bodywork
therapist and Reiki master in Johns Creek, GA
“The Gift of Anger takes us by the hand and leads us step by step
through one brilliant insight after another. In all my years as a
psychotherapist, I have never encountered this level of clarity and
wisdom about anger. This powerful book is destined to become a
classic.”
—Belinda Gore, Ph.D., leadership consultant and coach,
director of The Enneagram Institute of Central Ohio, and
president of The Cuyamungue Institute, Santa Fe, NM
“The concepts in Cannon’s The Gift of Anger are sound and research-
tested, but the true gift is in her straightforward and simple-to-follow
presentation. The book is grounded in psychological and spiritual
truths that transcend religious boundaries, and therefore it is suitable
for any faith community or secular group.”
—David Hett, Ph.D., Minister of Religious Life and
Learning at First Community Church
“This book is brilliant, easy to read, and deeply intelligent. I was
compelled from start to finish by its warmth, wisdom, and truth. No
matter where you are in life, the teachings in this book will speak
directly to you.”
—Barbara Reiner, Spiritual Awareness Counseling
“The Gift of Anger is both intelligent and accessible, two of the most
highly valued qualities I look for in books I read and recommend to
my clients and students. Cannon presents concrete steps for moving
from anger to empowerment. Even though this book is written clearly
and simply, it also deeply explores the function of anger in the human
mind. A must-read for understanding the inner journey.”
—Marla Estes, founder of The School of the Examined Life
“The Gift of Anger offers a seven-step process based on perennial
wisdoms that motivates us to work with anger honestly and directly,
without doing harm to ourselves and others. This book is a practical
guide that supports healing, justice, and ignites positive change for all
concerned.”
—Angeles Arrien, Ph.D., cultural anthropologist and award-
winning author
“What a powerful approach to befriending anger and using it to
enhance well-being! Reading and working with this material provides
an opportunity for dealing with one’s anger in a totally new light.
Through a wonderful combination of clear explanations, case study
examples, and personal exercises, Cannon provides the reader with a
step-by-step guide to a very rich practice for expanding self-awareness
and compassion for self and others. I look forward to reaping the
benefits of this practice by incorporating it into my life and sharing the
results, as well as this book, with others.”
—Lynda Roberts, International Enneagram Association
board member, director of the Enneagram Institute of
Georgia, and leadership and management consultant
“All afflictive emotional states can be transformed, through care and
attention, into sources of wisdom and compassion for ourselves and
others. In The Gift of Anger, Cannon provides an insightful, thorough,
and effective guide for transforming anger and developing clear,
skillful, and generous relationships. Anyone wishing to understand this
process would do well to read, reflect on, use, and enjoy this book.”
—Rev. Daijaku Judith Kinst, Ph.D., Soto Zen Buddhist
priest and teacher and assistant professor at the Institute of
Buddhist Studies at the Graduate Theological Union in
Berkeley, CA
“One of the great breakthroughs that the human potential movement
has brought us is its amoral framework for negative emotions like
anger, fear, and greed. To regard these as engineering issues rather
than moral judgments on ourselves or others puts us in charge of our
lives in a refreshing way that holds a great deal of potential for health
and happiness. The Gift of Anger is a welcome contribution to this
field. It lays out systematically how we can take control of our mental
state and use the raw energy of anger (for such it is) in constructive
ways. Considering that we are living in ‘the Age of Anger’ according
to some wisdom traditions, this simple toolset could make quite a
difference!”
—Michael Nagler, Ph.D., author of In Search of a
Nonviolent Future
“Finally, a book that addresses a truly healthy and wise way to relate
to anger. Cannon clearly and insightfully details a process for not only
understanding and managing anger, but also using anger as a guide for
personal growth and healing.”
—Joyce Harris, MA, MFTI
“The Gift of Anger is a perfect resource for anyone who has wondered
how to work with their anger. It shows us that anger can be a portal to
a deeper and more real understanding of ourselves. Anger can truly be
transformational when understood in the way that Cannon proposes. I
recommend this book as a practical tool and an inspirational guide to
anyone who is seeking truth.”
—Kate Betteley, clinical psychologist
“I’ve been moved by the inner reach of Cannon’s book. It provides a
refreshing and wise, yet accessible approach to unraveling and
understanding the emotion of anger. As a talented teacher and
therapist, Cannon takes the reader on a journey that is empowering,
immensely satisfying, and healing for the soul. Use her practical
guidance and insightful examples to discover how anger can be an
important vehicle for authentic well-being.”
—Roxanne Howe-Murphy, Ed.D., author of Deep Coaching
“Cannon has written a very useful workbook for self-reflection that
will help readers sort out angry feelings and reactions that can impact
their self-esteem and personal relationships.”
—Suzy Spradlin, Ph.D., Jungian analyst
“In The Gift of Anger, Cannon has given us a very specific method for
transforming angry feelings into expanded self-awareness. The step-
by-step structured exercises guide the reader to deeply explore this
complex emotion with the openness and self-compassion that are
necessary for change.”
—Bonnie Payne, Ph.D., psychologist and Jungian analyst in
private practice in Los Gatos, CA
“This book takes that most difficult of emotions, anger, shows us how
to deal with it, and turns it into a valuable tool for insight. It made my
anger a lot less scary and a lot more manageable. My reaction now is
going to be ‘Oh, here comes anger, I wonder why?’ instead of my
more habitual reaction of ignoring anger when it shows up. I
recommend this book to anyone who is on the path of self-
understanding, even those who don’t think that anger is a problem.
They will find that anger can be a shortcut to self-discovery.”
—Tom Flautt, Ph.D., past president of International
Enneagram Association
“Many of us have learned how to manage our anger, but learning how
to transform our anger into a gift is a whole new concept. This book
guides the participant into realizing how to do just that. Each chapter is
rich with discussion, insight, and practices that clearly demonstrate
how we can learn to harness anger for the gift of personal growth and
development. I have used this model or aspects of it many times; it has
never failed me. I heartily recommend The Gift of Anger to anyone
who chooses to become a more peaceful, whole human being.”
—Mary Powers, former client and orientation and mobility
specialist for people with vision loss and blindness
“The Gift of Anger provides a reassuring and practical road map for
bringing us greater self-awareness and peaceful living. Using the
seven-step process clearly outlined in the book, I have moved through
my own experiences of anger with more clarity and kindness towards
myself and others. Cannon is a wise, compassionate guide and teacher
and truly shines a light on the path of this journey!”
—Gerianne Hummel, former client, Reiki master teacher,
and owner of Essential Elements Aromatherapy
“A wise book about how to deal with anger in a way that is positive,
powerful, and transformative!”
—Marci Shimoff, author of Happy for No Reason and Love
for No Reason

Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and
authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with
the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological,
financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling
is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2011 by Marcia Cannon New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com All Rights Reserved Printed in the United States of America Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer;
Cover design by Amy Shoup; Edited by Carole Honeychurch
Epub ISBN: 9781608822768
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as: Cannon, Marcia G.
The gift of anger : seven steps to uncover the meaning of anger and gain awareness, true strength, and peace / Marcia G. Cannon.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-57224-966-0 (pbk.) -- ISBN 978-1-57224-967-7 (pdf ebook) 1. Anger. 2. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title.
BF575.A5C36 2011
152.4’7--dc22
2010050889
Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction: A New Understanding
1. Stage One: Anger As a Protective Reaction
2. The Power of Stage Two
3. The Nature of Beliefs and Feelings
4. Step One: Acknowledge Your Anger and Safely Regain Your Emotional
Balance
5. Step Two: Notice Your Thoughts and Feelings
6. Step Three: Give Yourself Validation
7. Step Four: Identify Your Unmet Need
8. Step Five: Take Action to Meet Your Need
9. Step Six: Explore the Other Person’s Frame of Reference
10. Step Seven: Free Yourself with Forgiveness
11. When You’re Angry with Yourself
References
Acknowledgments
So many people helped make this book a reality. I want to thank my clients and
workshop participants, who enriched this book with their stories and taught me
as much as I taught them. I also want to thank my family, friends, and
colleagues, who offered support throughout the writing process and spurred me
on by asking when they could have a copy of this book.
Thanks to all of you at New Harbinger Publications, especially Tesilya
Hanauer and Jesse Beebe, for your trust, your help, and your dedicated work.
Special thanks go to my son Gary Kurtzman, who critiqued each chapter and
helped me rearrange my thoughts into an order that flowed well. I don’t know
where you found the time, Gary, but this book has clearly benefited from your
suggestions, and I’m very grateful!
I especially want to thank my husband, Kelly, who talked through all the
concepts with me, edited the chapters, and most importantly, kept me relatively
sane throughout this new and challenging process. Thank you for your unfailing
humor, Kel, and for your ongoing patience, understanding, and support. Most of
all, thank you for the love and joy you bring me and for being the amazingly
wonderful person you are.
Most of all, I want to thank you, the reader. It is for you that this book is
written. May the ideas and process contained here lead you to appreciate all of
your emotions as you enjoy a deeper sense of peace.