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Title: The Funny Side of Physic
Author: A. D. Crabtre
Release Date: December 10, 2012 [EBook #41595]
Language: English
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*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY SIDE OF PHYSIC ***
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THE FUNNY SIDE
OF PHYSIC:
OR,
THE MYSTERIES OF MEDICINE,
PRESENTING THE
Humorous and Serious Sides of Medical Practice.
AN EXPOSÉ
OF
MEDICAL HUMBUGS, QUACKS, AND CHARLATANS
IN ALL AGES AND ALL COUNTRIES.
By A. D. CRABTRE, M. D.
HARTFORD:
J. B. BURR & HYDE.
CHICAGO AND CINCINNATI:
J. B. BURR, HYDE & COMPANY.
1872.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, by
J. B. BURR AND HYDE,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
PREFACE.
The books which most please while instructing the reader, are those which mingle the lively and gay with the
sedate spirit in the narration of important facts. The verdict of the reader of this work must be (it is modestly
suggested), that the author has luckily hit the happy vein in its construction.
Of all facts which bear upon human happiness or sorrow, those which serve to increase the former, and alleviate
or banish the latter, are most desirable for everybody to know; and of all professions which most intimately
concern the personal well-being of the public at large, that of the physician is most important. The author of this
book has spared no pains of research to collect the facts of which he discourses, and has endeavored to cover
the whole ground embraced by his subject with pertinent and important suggestions, statements, scientific
discoveries, incidents in the career of great physicians, etc., and to fix them in the reader’s mind by apt
anecdotes, which will be found in abundance throughout the work.
There is no better man in the world than the true physician, and no more base wretch than the ordinary “Quack,”
or medical charlatan. If the author has spared no pains of study to make his book acceptable, he may be said,
also, to have as unsparingly visited his indignation upon the quacks who have all along the line of historic medicine
disgraced the physician’s and the surgeon’s profession.
The general public but little understand what a vast amount of ignorance has at times been cunningly concealed by
medical practitioners, and how grossly the people of every city and village are even nowadays trifled with by
some who arrogate to themselves the honorable title of Doctor of Medicine.
Herein not only the base and the good physician, but the honorable and the trifling apothecary, receive their due
reward, or well-merited punishment, so far as the pen can give them. The reader will be utterly surprised when he
comes to learn how the quacks of the past and the present have brought themselves into note by tricks and
schemes very similar and equally infamous. The wanton trifling with the health and life of their patients, the greed
of gain, and the perfect destitution of all moral nature, which some of these men have exhibited in their career, are
astounding.
The apothecaries, as well as physicians, are descanted on, and the miserable tricks to which the large majority of
them resort, exposed. The public will be astonished to find what trash in the matter of drugs it pays for; how filthy,
vile, and often poisonous and hurtful materials people buy for medicines at extortionate prices; how even the
syrups which they drink in soda drawn from costly and splendid fountains are often made from the most filthy
materials, and are not fit for the lower animals, not to say human beings, to drink. And this fact is only illustrative
of hundreds of others set forth in this work.
This work not only exposes the multifold frauds of quacks, apothecaries, travelling doctors, soothsayers, fortune-
tellers, certain clairvoyants, and “spiritual mediums,” and the like, who “practise medicine” to a more or less
extent, or profess to discover and heal diseases,—but it points out to the reader the most approved rules for
protecting the health, and recovering it when lost. In short, it is a work embodying the most sound advice,
founded upon the judgment of the best physicians of the past and present, as tested in the Author’s experience for
a period of twenty years’ active practice. In other words, it is a compendium of sound medical advice, as well as
a racy, lively, and incisive dissection and exposure of the villanies of quacks and other medical empirics, etc.
Persons of all ages will find the work not only interesting to read, but most valuable in a practical sense. To the
young who would shun the crafts and villanies to which they must be exposed as they grow up,—for all are liable
to be more or less ill at times,—it will prove invaluable, enabling them to detect the spurious from the reliable in
medicine, and how to judge between the pretentious charlatan (even enjoying a large ride) and the true physician.
And none are so old that they may not reap great advantages from the work.
CONTENTS.
I.
MEDICAL HUMBUGS.
[Pg 3]
[Pg 4]
[Pg 5]
ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF “HUMBUG.”—A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.—JOB’S OPINION OF DOCTORS.—
EARLY PHYSICIANS.—PRIESTS AS DOCTORS.—WIZARDS COME TO GRIEF.—A “CAPITAL” OPERATION.—A
WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE PIECES.—ANECDOTE.—ROBIN HOOD’S LITTLE JOKE.—TIT FOR TAT. ENGLISH
HUMBUGS.—FRENCH DITTO.—A FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.—AMERICAN HUMBUGS.—A FIRST CLASS
“DODGE.”—A FREE RIDE.—A SHARP INTERROGATOR.—DOCTOR PUSBELLY.—A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER’S
STORY.—“OLD PILGARLIC” TAKES A BATH.—LUDICROUS SCENE.—PROFESSOR BREWSTER.
19
II.
APOTHECARIES.
FIRST MENTION OF.—A POOR SPECIMEN.—ELIZABETHAN.—KING JAMES I. [VI.].—ALLSPICE AND ALOES,
SUGAR AND TARTAR EMETIC.—WAR.—PHYSICIAN VS. APOTHECARY.—IGNORANCE.—STEALING A TRADE.
—A LAUGHABLE PRESCRIPTION.—“CASTER ILE.”—MODERN DRUG SWALLOWING.—MISTAKES.—“STEALS
THE TOOLS ALSO.”—SUBSTITUTES.—“A QUID.”—A “SMELL” OF PATENT MEDICINES.—“A SAMPLE CLERK.”
61
III.
PATENT MEDICINES.
PATENT MEDICINES.—HOW STARTED.—HOW MADE.—THE WAY IMMENSE FORTUNES ARE REALIZED.—
SPALDING’S GLUE.—SOURED SWILL.—SARSAPARILLA HUMBUGS.—S. P. TOWNSEND.—“A DOWN EAST
FARMER’S STORY.”—“WILD CHERRY” EXPOSITIONS.—“CAPTAIN WRAGGE’S PILL” A FAIR SAMPLE OF THE
WHOLE.—HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.—A SLIP OF THE PEN.—“GRIPE PILLS.”—SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.
—H. W. B. “FRUIT SYRUP.”—HAIR TONICS.—A BALD BACHELOR’S EXPERIENCE.—A LUDICROUS STORY.—A
WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING.
78
IV.
MANUFACTURED DOCTORS.
A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.—A BARBER “GONE TO POT.”—FOOLS MADE DOCTORS.—BAKERS.—BARBERS.
—“A LUCKY DOG.”—TINKERS.—ROYAL FAVORS.—“LITTLE CARVER DAVY.”—A BUTCHER’S BLOCKHEAD.—
A SWEEPING VISIT.—HOP-PED FROM OBSCURITY.—PEDAGOGUES TURN DOCTORS.—ARBUTHNOT.—“A
QUAKER.”—“WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR.”—WEAVERS AND BASKET-MAKERS.—A TOUGH PRINCE; REQUIRED
THREE M. D.’S TO KILL HIM.—MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.—A MERRY PARSON.—BLACK MAIL.—POLICE AS
A MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC.
99
V.
WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN.
HER “MISSION.”—NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.—ONE OF THEM.—MRS. STEPHENS.—“CRAZY SALLY.”—
RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.—RUNS IN THE FAMILY.—ANECDOTES.—“WHICH GOT THRASHED?”—A WRETCHED
END.—AMERICAN FEMALE PHYSICIANS.—A PIONEER.—A LAUGHABLE ANECDOTE.—“THREE WISE
MEN.”—“A SHORT HORSE,” ETC.—BOSTON AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.—A STORY.—“LOVE AND
THOROUGHWORT.”—A GAY BEAU.—UP THE PENOBSCOT.—DYING FOR LOVE.—“IS HE MAD?”—
THOROUGHWORT WINS.
123
VI.
QUACKS.
ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.—DERIVATION.—FATHER OF QUACKS.—A MEDICAL “BONFIRE.”—THE
“SAMSON” OF THE PROFESSION.—SIR ASTLEY.—U. S. SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.—HOMEOPATHIC
QUACKS, ETC.—A MUDDLED DEFINITION.—“STOP THIEF!”—CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!—TWO POUNDS CALOMEL.
—VICTIMS.—WASHINGTON, JACKSON, HARRISON.—THE COUNTRY QUACK.—A TRUE AND LUDICROUS
ANECDOTE.—DYEING TO DIE!—A SCARED DOCTOR.—DROPSY!—A HASTY WEDDING!—A COUNTRY
CONSULTATION.—“SCENES FROM WESTERN PRACTICE.”—“TWIST ROOT.”—A JOLLY TRIO.—NEW “BUST”
OF CUPID.—AN UNWILLING LISTENER.
157
VII.
CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS.
[Pg 6]
DEFINITION.—ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.—CITY IMPOSTORS.—FALSE NAMES.—“ADVICE FREE.”—
INTIMIDATIONS.—WHOLESALE ROBBERY.—VISITING THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.—PASSING THE CERBERUS.—
WINDINGS.—INS AND OUTS.—THE IRISH PORTER.—QUEER “TWINS,” AND A “TRIPLET” DOCTOR.—A
HISTORY OF A KNAVE.—BOOT-BLACK AND BOTTLE-WASHER.—PERQUISITES.—PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.
—“INSTITUTES.”—WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.—FEMALE HARPIES.—A BOSTON HARPY.—
WHERE OUR “LOST CHILDREN” GO.—END OF A WRETCH.
180
VIII.
ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS.
A WANT SUPPLIED.—ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.—A LIVE IRISHMAN.—MADAM ROTHSCHILD.
—LARGE FEET.—A SHANGHAI ROOSTER.—SPREADING HERSELF.—KEROSENE.—“SALERATUS.”—HIS LAST
JOKE.—AN ASTONISHED DARKY.—OLD DR. K.’S MARE.—A SCARED CUSTOMER.—“WHAT’S
TRUMPS?”—“LET GO THEM HALYARDS.”—MEDICAL TITBITS.—MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.—“I WANT
TO BE AN ANGEL.”—TOOTH-DRAWING.—DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.—STEALING TIME.—CHOLERA
FENCED IN.—“A JOKE THAT’S NOT A JOKE.”—A DRY SHOWER-BATH.—PARBOILING AN OLD LADY.
200
IX.
FORTUNE-TELLERS.
PAST AND PRESENT.—BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE-TELLERS.—ARABIAN.—EASTERN.—ENGLISH.—
QUEEN’S FAVORITE.—LILLY.—A LUCKY GUESS.—THE GREAT LONDON FIRE FORETOLD.—HOW.—OUR
“TIDAL WAVE” AND AGASSIZ.—A HALL OF FORTUNE-TELLERS.—PRESENT.—VISIT EN MASSE.—“FILLIKY
MILLIKY.”—“CHARGE BAYONETS!”—A FOWL PROCEEDING.—FINDING LOST PROPERTY.—THE MAGIC
MIRROR EXPOSÉ.—“ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE.”—PROCURESSES.—BOSTON MUSEUM.—“A NICE OLD
GENTLEMAN.”—MONEY DOES IT.—GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.—“LOVE POWDER” EXPOSÉ.—HASHEESH.
—“DOES HE LOVE ME?”
227
X.
EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS.
THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.—DOCTORS ARE PUBLIC PROPERTY.—DR. MOTT, OF
OYSTER BAY.—DR. PARKER.—A “PLOUGH-BOY.”—THE FARMER’S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.—SCENE IN
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.—“LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED ÆSCULAPIAN.”—FIRST PATIENT.
—“NONPLUSSED!”—ALL RIGHT AT LAST.—PROFESSORS EBERLE AND DEWEES.—A HARD START.
—“FOOTING IT.”—ABERNETHY’S BOYHOOD.—“OLD SQUEERS.”—SPARE THE BOY AND SPOIL THE ROD.—A
DIGRESSION.—SKIRTING A BOG.—AN AGREEABLE TURN.—PROFESSOR HOLMES.—A HOMELESS STUDENT.
253
XI.
GHOSTS AND WITCHES.
FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.—WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.—A TRUE STORY.—THE GHOST OF THE
CAMP.—A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.—A MYSTERY.—THE NAGLES FAMILY.—RAISING THE DEAD.—A LIVELY
STAMPEDE.—HOLY WATER.—CÆSAR’S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.—LORD BYRON AND DR. JOHNSON.—GHOST OF
A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.—“JOCKEYING A GHOST.”—THE WOUNDED BIRD.—A BISHOP SEES A GHOST.—
MUSICAL GHOSTS.—A HAUNTED HOUSE.—ABOUT WITCHES.—“WITCHES IN THE CREAM.”—HORSE-SHOES.
—WOMAN OF ENDOR NOT A WITCH.—WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.—THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, OR
WITCHES.
278
XII.
MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS.
OLD AND NEW.—THE SIGN OF JUPITER.—MODERN IDOLATRY.—ORIGIN OF THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.—HOW
WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.—SINGULAR FACT.—CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.—“OLD NICK.”—RIDICULOUS
SUPERSTITIONS.—GOLDEN HERB.—HOUSE CRICKETS.—A STOOL WALKS.—THE BOWING IMAGES AT RHODE
ISLAND.—HOUSE SPIDERS.—THE HOUSE CAT.—SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.—WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.
—NAUGHTY BOYS.—ERRORS RESPECTING CATS.—SANITARY QUALITIES.—OWLS.—A SCARED BOY.—HOLY
WATER.—UNLUCKY DAYS.—THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.—A KISS.
307
XIII.
TRAVELLING DOCTORS.
[Pg 7]
[Pg 8]
PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).—THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.—A BAD SPECIMEN.—“REMARKABLE TUMOR.”—“THE
SINGING DOCTOR.”—CAUGHT IN A STORM.—BIG PUFFING.—A SPLENDID “TURNOUT.”—WHO WAS HE?—A
SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE.—THE “SPANKING DOCTOR.”—A FAIR VICTIM.—LOOSE LAWS.—DR. PULSEFEEL.
—IMPUDENCE.—A FIDDLING DOCTOR.—AN ENCORE.—“CHEEK.”—VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING.
341
XIV.
SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE.
THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.—MY MIDNIGHT CALL.—THE CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN
MOTHER.—“OLD SEROSITY.”—THE ILLEGITIMATE CHILD.—DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.—WHO IS THE HEIR?
—A TOUCHING SCENE.—FATE OF THE “BEGGAR BOY.”—THE TERRIBLE CALLER.—AN IRISH SCENE, FROM DR.
DIXON’S BOOK.—BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.—TERRY ON HIS DEATH BED.—THE STOMACH PUMP.—BIDDY
WON’T, AND SHE WILL.—THE BETRAYED AND HER BETRAYER.—“IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?”—THE
HUSBANDLESS MOTHER.—THE CRISIS AND COURT.—ANSWER.—THERE IS A “GOD IN ISRAEL.”
362
XV.
DOCTORS’ FEES AND INCOMES.
ANCIENT FEES.—LARGE FEES.—SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.—A PIG ON PENANCE.—SMALL FEES.—A “CHOP”
POSTPONED.—LONG FEES.—SHORT FEES.—OLD FEES.—A NIGHT-CAP.—AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.—A BLACK
FEE.—“HEART’S OFFERING.”—A STUFFED CAT.—THE “GREAT GUNS” OF NEW YORK.—BOSTON.—ROTTEN
EGGS.—“CATCH WHAT YOU CAN.”—FEMALE DOCTORS’ FEES.—ABOVE PRICE.—“ASK FOR A FEE.”—“PITCH
HIM OVERBOARD.”—DELICATE FEES.—MAKING THE MOST OF THEM.
386
XVI.
GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS.
THE WORLD UNMASKED.—A ROUGH DIAMOND.—DECAYED GENTILITY.—“THREE FLIGHT, BACK.”—
SEVERAL ANECDOTES.—THE OLD FOX-HUNTER.—“STAND ON YOUR HEAD.”—KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.—
RARE CHARITY.—OLD AND HOMELESS.—THE “O’CLO’” JEW.—DR. HUNTER’S GENEROSITY.—“WHAT’S THE
PRICE OF BEEF?”—A SAD OMISSION.—INNATE GENEROSITY.—A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC.—AN EYE-
OPENER.—AN AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.—ROBBING THE DEAD.
410
XVII.
LOVE AND LOVERS.
XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.—A FIRST LOVE.—BLASTED HOPES.—A DOCTOR’S STORY.—THE FLIGHT
FROM “THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW.”—THE EXILE AND RETURN.—DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.—ESCAPES
WITH HIS LOVE.—ENGLISH BEAUS.—YOUNG COQUETTES.—A GAY AND DANGEROUS BEAU.—HANDSOME
BEAUS.—LEAP YEAR.—AN OLD BEAU.—BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.—OFFENDED ROYALTY.—YOUTH AND
AGE.—A STABLE BOY.—POET-DOCTOR.
438
XVIII.
MIND AND MATTER.
IN WHICH ANIMAL MAGNETISM, MESMERISM, AND CLAIRVOYANCE ARE EXPLAINED.—“THE IGNORANT
MONOPOLY.”—YET ROOM FOR DISCOVERIES.—A “GASSY” SUBJECT.—DRS. CHAPIN AND BEECHER.—HE
“CAN’T SEE IT.”—THE ROYAL TOUCH.—GASSNER.—“THE DEVIL KNOWS LATIN.”—ROYALTY IN THE SHADE.
—THE IRISH PROPHET; HE VISITS LONDON.—A COMICAL CROWD.—MESMERISM.—A FUNNY BED-FELLOW.
—CLAIRVOYANCE.—THE GATES OF MOSCOW.—THE DOCTOR OF ANTWERP.—THE OLD LADY IN THE POKE-
BONNET.—VISIT TO A CLAIRVOYANT.—“FORETELLING” THE PAST.—THE OLD WOMAN OF THE PENOBSCOT
MOUNTAINS.—A SECRET KEPT.—CUI BONO?—VISITS TO SEVENTEEN CLAIRVOYANTS.—A BON-TON
CLAIRVOYANT.—A BOUNCER.—RIDICULOSITY.
461
XIX.
ECCENTRICITIES.
A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.—A NEW EDIBLE.—“HAVE THEM BOILED.”—“BEAUTY AND THE
BEAST.”—A LOVELY STAMPEDE.—AN ECCENTRIC PHILADELPHIAN.—THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND
SCIPIO.—SILENT ELOQUENCE.—CONSISTENT TO THE END.—WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.—FOUR BLIND MEN.
—DIET AND SLEEP.—SAXE AND SANCHO PANZA.—MOTHER GOOSE AS A DOCTOR’S BOOK.—THE TABLES
TURNED ON THE DOCTORS.
495
XX.
[Pg 9]
[Pg 10]
PRESCRIPTIONS REMARKABLE AND RIDICULOUS.
FIG PASTE AND FIG LEAVES.—SOME OF THOSE OLD FELLOWS.—THEY SLIGHTLY DISAGREE.—HOW TO KEEP
CLEAN.—BAXTER VS. THE DOCTOR.—A CURE FOR “RHEUMATIZ.”—OLD ENGLISH DOSES.—CURE FOR BLUES.
—FOR HYSTERIA.—HEROIC DOSES.—DROWNING A FEVER.—AN EXACT SCIENCE.—SULPHUR AND
MOLASSES.—A USE FOR POOR IRISH.—MINERAL SPRINGS.—COLD DRINKS VS. WARM.—THE OLD LADY AND
THE AIR-PUMP.—SAVED BY HER BUSTLE.—COUNTRY PRESCRIPTIONS AND A FUNNY MISTAKE.—ARE YOU
DRUNK OR SOBER?
517
XXI.
SCENES FROM HOSPITAL AND CAMP.
“HE FOUGHT MIT SIEGEL.”—A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT.—ADMINISTERING ANGELS.—“WATER!
WATER!”—THE SOLDIER-BOY’S DYING MESSAGE.—THE WELL-WORN BIBLE.—WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN
BODIES.—“PUDDING AND MILK.”—THE POETICAL AND AMUSING SIDE.—“TO AMELIA.”—MY LOVE AND I.—
A SCRIPTURAL CONUNDRUM.—MARRYING A REGIMENT.
538
XXII.
GLUTTONS AND WINE-BIBBERS.
GOOD CHEER AND A CHEERFUL HEART.—A MODERN SILENUS.—A SAD WRECK.—DELIRIUM TREMENS.—
FATAL ERRORS.—“EATING LIKE A GLUTTON.”—STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS.—A HOT PLACE, EVEN FOR A
COOK.—A HUNGRY DOCTOR.—THE MODERN GILPIN.—A CHANGE! A SOW FOR A HORSE!—A DUCK POND.—
THE FORLORN WIDOW.—A SCIENTIFIC GORMAND.—ANOTHER.—“DOORN’T GO TO ’IM,” ETC.—DR.
BUTLER’S BEER AND BATH.—CASTS HIS LAST VOTE.
550
XXIII.
THE DOCTOR AS POET, AUTHOR, AND MUSICIAN.
OUR PATRON, OUR PATTERN.—SOME WRITERS.—SOME BLUNDERS.—AN OLD SMOKER.—OLD GREEKS.—A
DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY MISS.—THE PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.—“LITTLE DAISY.”—“CASA
WAPPA!”—FINE POETRY.—MORE SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS.—NAPOLEON’S AND WASHINGTON’S
PHYSICIANS.—A FRENCH “BUTCHER.”—A DIF. OF OPINION.—SOME EPITAPHS.—DR. HOLMES’ “ONE-HOSS
SHAY.”—HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.—SAVED BY MUSIC.—A GERMAN TOUCH-UP.—MUSIC ON
ANIMALS.—“MUSIC AMONG THE MICE.”—MUSIC AND HEALTH.
571
XXIV.
ADULTERATIONS.
BREAD, BUTTER, AND THE BIBLE.—“JACK ASHORE.”—BUCKWHEAT CAKES ARE GOOD.—WHAT’S IN THE
BREAD, AND HOW TO DETECT IT.—BUTTER.—HOW TO TELL GOOD AND BAD.—MILK.—ANALYSIS OF GOOD
AND “SWILL MILK.”—WHAT’S IN THE MILK BESIDES MICE?—THE COW WITH ONE TEAT.—“LOUD” CHEESE.
—TEA AND COFFEE.—TANNIN, SAWDUST, AND HORSES’ LIVERS.—ALCOHOLIC DRINKS.—CHURCH WINE
AND BREAD.—BEER AND BITTER HERBS.—SPANISH FLIES AND STRYCHNINE.—“NINE MEN STANDIN’ AT
THE DOOR.”—BURTON’S ALE; AN ASTONISHING FACT.—FISHY.—“FISH ON A SPREE.”—TO REMEDY IMPURE
WATER.—CHARCOAL AND THE BISHOP.—HOG-ISH.—PORK AND SCROFULA.—NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
599
XXV.
ALL ABOUT TOBACCO.
“HOW MUCH?”—AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.—“SIAMESE TWINS.”—A MIGHTY ARMY.—ITS NAME AND
NATIVITY.—A DONKEY RIDE.—LITTLE BREECHES.—WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM
SMOKE.—TOM’S LETTER.—“PURE SOCIETY.”—HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS “TOOK IN.”—DELICIOUS MORSELS.
—THE STREET NUISANCE.—A SQUIRTER.—ANOTHER.—IT BEGETS LAZINESS.—NATIONAL RUIN.—BLACK
EYES.—DISEASE AND INSANITY.—USES OF THE WEED.—GETS RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.—
TOBACCO WORSE THAN RUM.—THE OLD FARMER’S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.—“WHAT KILLED HIM.”
633
XXVI.
DRESS AND ADDRESS OF PHYSICIANS.
[Pg 11]
GOSSIP IS INTERESTING.—COMPARATIVE SIGNS OF GREATNESS.—THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.—
ADDRESS NECESSARY.—“THIS IS A BONE.”—DRESS NOT NECESSARY.—COUNTRY DOCTORS’ DRESS.—HOW
THE DEACON SWEARS.—A GOOD MANY SHIRTS.—ONLY WASHED WHEN FOUND DRUNK.—LITTLE TOMMY
MISTAKEN FOR A GREEN CABBAGE BY THE COW.—AN INSULTED LADY.—DOCTORS’ WIGS.—“AIN’T SHE
LOVELY?”—HARVEY AND HIS HABITS.—THE DOCTOR AND THE VALET.—A BIG WIG.—BEN FRANKLIN.—
JENNER’S DRESS.—AN ANIMATED WIG; A LAUGHABLE STORY.—A CHARACTER.—“DOSH, DOSH.”
659
XXVII.
MEDICAL FACTS AND STATISTICS.
HOW MANY.—WHO THEY ARE.—HOW THEY DIE.—HOW MUCH RUM THEY CONSUME.—HOW THEY LIVE.—
OLD AGE.—WHY WE DIE.—GET MARRIED.—OLD PEOPLE’S WEDDING.—A GOOD ONE.—THE ORIGIN OF THE
HONEYMOON.—A SWEET OBLIVION.—HOLD YOUR TONGUE!—MANY MEN, MANY MINDS.
—“ALLOPATHY.”—LOTS OF DOCTORS.—THE ITCH MITE.—A HORSE-CAR RIDE.—KEEP COOL!—
KNICKKNACKS.—HUMBLE PIE.—INCREASE OF INSANITY.—A COOL STUDENT.—HOW TO GET RID OF A
MOTHER-IN-LAW.
680
XXVIII.
BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS.
BLEEDING IN 1872.—EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.—A ROYAL SURGEON.—A DRAWING JOKE.—THE PRETTY
COQUETTE.—TINKERS AS BLEEDERS.—WHOLESALE BUTCHERY.—THE BARBERS OF SOUTH AMERICA.—OUR
FOREFATHERS BLEED.—A FRENCH BUTCHER.—CUR?—ABERNETHY OPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.—THE
MISFORTUNES OF A BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLASS JERROLD); JOB PIPPINS AND THE
WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN; JOB NAKED AND JOB DRESSED.
695
XXIX.
THE OMNIUM GATHERUM.
EX-SELL-SIR!—“THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED.”—A NOTORIOUS FEMALE DOCTOR.—A WHITE BLACK MAN.
—SQUASHY.—MOTHER’S FOOL.—WHO IT WAS.—THE PHILOSOPHER AND HIS DAUGHTER.—EDUCATION
AND GIBBERISH.—SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY.—THE OLD LADY WITH AN ANIMAL IN HER STOMACH.—
STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.—THE BOY WITH A BULLET IN HIM.—CASE OF SMALL-POX.—NOT MUCH TO
LOOK AT.—FUNERAL ANTHEMS.
709
XXX.
THE OTHER SIDE.
PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.—STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.—ANECDOTE OF RUFUS CHOATE.—
INGRATES.—A NIGHT ROW.—“SAVING AT THE SPIGOT AND WASTING AT THE BUNG.”—SHOPPING
PATIENTS.—AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.—RUM AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.—THE PHYSICIAN’S WIDOW AND
ORPHAN, THE SUMMONS, THE TENEMENT, THE INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE
UNNATURAL FATHER, HOW THEY DIED, THE END.—A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.—SELLING OUT.
727
XXXI.
“THIS IS FOR YOUR HEALTH.”
THE INESTIMABLE VALUE OF HEALTH.—NO BLESSING IN COMPARISON.—MEN AND SWINE.—BEGIN WITH
THE INFANT.—“BABY ON THE PORCH.”—IN A STRAIT JACKET.—“TWO LITTLE SHOES.”—YOUTH.—IMPURE
LITERATURE AND PASSIONS.—“OUR GIRLS.”—BARE ARMS AND BUSTS.—HOW AND WHAT WE BREATHE.
—“THE FREEDOM OF THE STREET.”—KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTH CLOSED.—THE LUNGS AND
BREATHING.—A MAN FULL OF HOLES.—SEVEN MILLION MOUTHS TO FEED.—PURE WATER.—CLEANLINESS.
SOAP VS. WRINKLES.—GOD’S SUNSHINE.
748
XXXII.
HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE.
CHEERFULNESS.—GOOD ADVICE.—REV. FRANCIS J. COLLIER ON CHRISTIAN CHEERFULNESS.—WHAT GOD
SAYS ABOUT IT.—WHINING.—LOVE AND HEALTH.—AFFECTION AND PERFECTION.—SEPARATING THE
SHEEP AND GOATS.—THE FENCES UP AND FENCES DOWN.—SIXTEEN AND SIXTY.—ACTION AND IDLENESS.
—IDLENESS AND CRIME.—BEAUTY AND DEVELOPMENT.—SLEEP.—DAY AND NIGHT.—“WHAT SHALL WE
EAT?”—A STOMACH-MILL AND A STEWING-PAN.—“FIVE MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS.”—ANCIENT DIET.
—COOKS IN A “STEW.”—THE GREEN-GROCERIES OF THE CLASSICS.—CABBAGES AND ARTICHOKES.—
ANIMAL AND VEGETABLE DIET.
769
[Pg 12]
[Pg 13]
XXXIII.
CONSUMPTION.
CONSUMPTION A MONSTER!—UNIVERSAL REIGN.—SIGNS OF HIS APPROACH.—WARNINGS.—BAD
POSITIONS.—SCHOOL-HOUSES.—ENGLISH THEORY.—PREVENTIVES.—AIR AND SUNSHINE.—SCROFULA.—A
JOLLY FAT GRANDMOTHER.—“WASP WAISTS.”—CHANGE OF CLIMATE.—“TOO LATE!”—WHAT TO AVOID.
—HUMBUGS.—COD LIVER OIL.—STRYCHNINE WHISKEY.—A MATTER-OF-FACT PATIENT.—SWALLOWING A
PRESCRIPTION.—SIT AND LIE STRAIGHT.—FEATHERS OR CURLED HAIR.—A YANKEE DISEASE.—CATARRH
AND COLD FEET, HOW TO REMEDY.—“GIVE US SOME SNUFF, DOCTOR.”—OTHER THINGS TO AVOID.—A
TENDER POINT.
790
XXXIV.
ACCIDENTS.
RULES FOR MACHINISTS, MECHANICS, RAILROAD MEN, ETC., IN CASES OF ACCIDENT.—HOW TO FIND AN
ARTERY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.—DROWNING; TO RESTORE.—SUN-STROKE.—AVOID ICE.—“ACCIDENTS
WILL HAPPEN.”—WHAT TO HAVE IN THE HOUSE.—BRUISES.—BURNS.—DO THE BEST YOU CAN AND TRUST
GOD FOR THE REST.
811
ILLUSTRATIONS.
1. A. D. CRABTRE, M. D.,
Frontispiece.
2. DR. ANGLICUS PONTO,
31
3. MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY,
33
4. THE MISER OUTWITS HIMSELF,
38
5. COMMENCING A PRACTICE IN NEW YORK,
47
6. GRACE BEFORE MEAT,
48
7. OLD PILGARLIC TAKES A BATH,
55
8. PROFESSOR BREWSTER,
55
9. AN INFANTRY CHARGE,
60
10. THE “FREE PASS” PRESCRIPTION,
69
11. THE WRONG PATIENT,
71
12. A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY,
77
13. UNDER FULL SAIL,
77
14. “IT’S ALL A HUMBUG,”
82
15. “BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD,”
93
16. OLD “SANDS OF LIFE,”
96
17. REFRESHMENTS,
98
18. THE EYE DOCTOR,
103
19. THE YOUNG SURGEON’S FIRST EXPERIENCE,
105
20. HEALING THE SICK WITH A GOLDEN DOSE,
111
21. THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE “CONGREGATION,”
120
22. A JUVENILE BACCHUS,
122
23. “DON’T YOU OBSERVE THE ARMS OF MRS. MAPP?”
128
24. THREE WISE STUDENTS CONSULTING A DOCTRESS,
134
25. “POH! YOU’RE A GIRL,”
141
26. “HERE WE GO UP-UP-UPPY,”
148
27. “LOVE AMONG THE ROSES,”
156
28. THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN,
161
29. CURIOUS EFFECTS OF A FEVER,
171
[Pg 14]
30. MARRYING A FAMILY,
173
31. ’OPATHISTS IN CONSULTATION,
175
32. A “HYPO” PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN,
178
33. TOO MUCH HAT,
179
34. CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY,
181
35. “AN’ WHO’LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?”
183
36. A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT,
189
37. ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE,
199
38. DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL,
202
39. AN EXTENSIVE SET,
205
40. “O, DOCTHER, DEAR, I’VE PIZENED ME BOY,”
207
41. “LOST MARSER! LOST MARSER!”
209
42. NOT A STOMACH PUMP,
213
43. “LOWER TIER, LARBOARD SIDE,”
217
44. THE FARMER’S ESCAPE FROM THE CHOLERA,
223
45. TOO MUCH VAPOR,
224
46. A DRY SHOWER BATH,
225
47. GRAPES AND WINE,
226
48. CHARGE, INFANTRY!
239
49. AFTER THE BATTLE,
240
50. THE FORTUNE-TELLER’S MAGIC MIRROR,
244
51. CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER,
251
52. THE HUNTRESS,
252
53. THE ONONDAGA FARMER BOY,
256
54. THE POLITE QUADRUPED,
265
55. YOUNG ABERNETHY,
266
56. “PINNY, SIR? JUST ONE PINNY,”
274
57. THE PENNILESS PHYSICIAN,
276
58. THE INDIAN WARRIOR,
277
59. BELIEVERS IN GHOSTS,
278
60. “HARK! THERE’S A FEARFUL GUST!”
280
61. A GRAVE SENTRY,
282
62. A GHOST IN CAMP,
285
63. OLD NAGLES,
286
64. THE NAGLES BOYS,
287
65. CHIEF MOURNERS,
288
66. THE CORPSE THAT WOULD NOT SMOKE,
290
67. PREPARE TO DIE,
293
68. THE BISHOP’S GHOSTLY VISITOR,
295
69. THE MUSICAL PUSS,
301
70. A DARKEY BEWITCHED,
301
71. BOYLSTON STATION,
303
72. WEIGHING A WITCH BY BIBLE STANDARD,
305
73. PASSING THE FORT,
306
74. THE GOD OF RECIPES,
308
75. SUN-SUNDAY,
310
76. MOON-MONDAY,
313
77. TUISCO-TUESDAY,
313
78. WODEN-WEDNESDAY,
314
79. THOR-THURSDAY,
315
80. FRIGA-FRIDAY,
315
81. SEATER-SATURDAY,
316
[Pg 15]
82. GATHERING THE MANDRAKE,
321
83. “WAITING TO SEE THE IMAGES BOW,”
323
84. SPORT FOR THE BOYS BUT DEATH TO THE CAT,
329
85. “WHO-A’-YOO?”
333
86. THE PROPER USE OF “HOLY WATER,”
334
87. THE MODEST KISS,
339
88. HOLDING THE PLOW,
340
89. THE TUMOR DOCTOR CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE,
343
90. MARIAM, THE TUMOR DOCTOR,
345
91. THE SINGING DOCTOR,
349
92. THE SANATORIAN’S TURNOUT,
351
93. A NEW SCHOOL OF PRACTICE,
354
94. A VICTIM OF THE SPANKER,
355
95. DR. PULSFEEL LEAVING TOWN,
356
96. THE MUSICAL DOCTOR,
358
97. ENTHUSIASM,
359
98. ALL WOOL,
361
99. CHARITY THROWN AWAY,
363
100. THE BEGGAR BOY,
366
101. REMORSE,
368
102. THE LOST HEIR,
373
103. A MORNING CALLER,
375
104. “WHY DID I TAZE YE?”
376
105. SUCCESS OF TERRY’S COURTSHIP,
379
106. THE BETRAYED,
382
107. SAILING INTO PORT,
385
108. A SAN BENITO PIG,
388
109. AN OLD ENGLISH CLERGYMAN AND HIS FAMILY,
390
110. THE KING’S PHYSICIAN AND THE EXECUTIONER,
393
111. A SLIPPER-Y FEE,
397
112. A LIVING FEE,
399
113. STUFFED PETS,
400
114. A PIONEER OF HOMŒOPATHY,
403
115. A SHARP MULE TRADE,
405
116. ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE,
409
117. PHYSICIAN’S CHARITY,
411
118. SEARCH FOR A PATIENT,
412
119. AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT,
417
120. A WOMAN’S REBUKE,
417
121. AFRAID OF A POLYPUS,
418
122. ABERNETHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION,
420
123. RECKONING A DOCTOR’S FEES,
424
124. PATIENT NUMBER FIVE,
425
125. THE ASTONISHED BUTCHER,
427
126. MODERN IMPROVEMENTS IN DENTISTRY,
431
127. CHARITY NOT SOLICITED,
431
128. CAPTURE OF A WALL STREET BULL,
433
129. DEATH’S FEE,
436
130. THE AMERICAN SAILOR,
437
131. MY FIRST LOVE,
439
132. TEN YEARS LATER,
441
133. FLIGHT OF THE DOCTOR,
443
[Pg 16]
134. THE LOVER AS A PEDDLER,
447
135. FLIGHT OF THE LOVERS,
447
136. AN AGED PUPIL,
453
137. BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE,
457
138. “POPPING THE QUESTION,”
460
139. LOVE’S LINKS,
460
140. THE LION MAGNETIZED,
466
141. A HARD SUBJECT,
467
142. GASSNER HEALING “BY THE GRACE OF GOD,”
471
143. NO LACK OF PATIENTS,
475
144. “A BOTTLE, A HEN, OR A WOMAN,”
477
145. EFFECTS OF AN EARTHQUAKE,
483
146. A BELIEVER SEES HIS GRANDMOTHER,
483
147. THE CHARMER DIVULGES HER SECRET,
488
148. “I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE,”
492
149. THE FARMER’S DAUGHTERS,
494
150. A “HORSE-SLAYER” INDULGING HIS OPINION,
499
151. NO TIME TO LOSE,
500
152. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST,
503
153. DR. HUNTER IN CONSULTATION,
504
154. THE RUSSIAN GENERAL’S DRILL,
506
155. WHAT THE ELEPHANT IS LIKE,
511
156. A DOCTOR’S SOLACE,
511
157. HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION,
525
158. DOSE—ONE QUART EVERY HOUR,
526
159. PUMPING AN OLD LADY,
537
160. A DANGEROUS PRESCRIPTION,
537
161. THE FARMER’S EMBLEMS,
537
162. THE DYING MESSAGE,
541
163. STUCK!
547
164. COMMERCE,
549
165. A GOOD LIVER,
551
166. A DOCTOR “KILLING THE DEVILS,”
555
167. PAYING FOR HIS WINE,
555
168. A BAR-ROOM DOCTOR,
555
169. “THE DOCTOR ON A SOW!”
565
170. RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR,
565
171. “ONLY IRISH BEER,”
568
172. CURE FOR THE AGUE,
569
173. PLAYING THE REEDS,
570
174. AN EMBRYO APOLLO,
572
175. THE PILGRIM CHEAT,
577
176. FRANKLIN’S EXPERIMENTS WITH ETHER,
585
177. END OF THE WONDERFUL ONE-HOSS SHAY,
591
178. “MUSIC, THE SOUL OF LIFE,”
597
179. THE MUSICAL MICE,
597
180. FOUNTAIN,
598
181. SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION,
603
182. SWILL MILK (MAGNIFIED),
605
183. PURE MILK (MAGNIFIED),
606
184. WATERED MILK (MAGNIFIED),
606
185. “WHAT’S IN THE MILK?”
606
[Pg 17]
186. A CHAMPAGNE BATH,
611
187. MOTHER’S MILK—PURE AND HEALTHY,
612
188. MOTHER’S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKY,
612
189. WAITING FOR ASSISTANCE,
617
190. A CONFECTIONERY STORE,
619
191. TARTARIC ACID FOR SUPPER,
629
192. A STREET CANDY STAND,
629
193. THE NEWSBOY’S MOTHER,
630
194. THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS,
634
195. PUNISHMENT OF THE TURK,
638
196. SMOKERS OF FOUR GENERATIONS,
639
197. “I WANT A CHAW OF TERBACKER,”
641
198. YOUNG SMOKERS,
642
199. EXAMINATION OF THE SMOKER,
643
200. PURIFYING HIS BLOOD,
644
201. CLEANSING HIS BONES,
645
202. THE SMOKER,
647
203. THE CHEWER,
648
204. SIGN OF THE TIMES,
648
205. MY LAZY SMOKING FRIEND,
650
206. “SHALL I ASSIST YOU TO ALIGHT?”
653
207. WORK FOR TONGUES AND FINGERS,
653
208. WHAT KILLED THE DOG?
657
209. THE NEWSBOY,
658
210. THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD,
661
211. A CALL ON THE VILLAGE DOCTOR,
663
212. PHYSICIANS’ COSTUME IN 1790,
664
213. HOW POOR TOMMY WAS LOST,
666
214. BRIDGET’S METHOD OF MENDING STOCKINGS,
667
215. THE UNDERTAKERS’ ARMS,
671
216. DISPUTE OF THE DOCTOR AND VALET,
671
217. A WIG MOUSE,
674
218. THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED,
675
219. MEETING OF THE DOCTOR AND THE CURATE,
679
220. DOCTOR CANDEE,
679
221. A GERMAN BEER GIRL,
681
222. AN INDIGNANT BRIDE,
686
223. THE ITCH MITE,
689
224. THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT,
693
225. HARVESTED,
694
226. ASSISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON,
696
227. PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON,
697
228. JOB DISCHARGED BY SIR SCIPIO,
703
229. “BLEED HIM,”
704
230. A BORROWED WATCH,
706
231. JOB’S DECISION,
708
232. SQUASHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION,
715
233. “WILL YE TAK’ A BLAST, NOO?”
720
234. REPTILES FROM THE STOMACH,
722
235. “IT ISN’T CATCHIN’,”
724
236. FUNERAL OF THE CANARY,
725
[Pg 18]
237. MY FRONT STREET PATIENT,
731
238. A SHOPPING PATIENT,
733
239. CALL AT THE TENEMENT,
737
240. THE WIDOW’S OCCUPATION,
739
241. THE PHYSICIAN AND THE FATHER,
742
242. THE PETER FUNK PHYSICIAN,
745
243. VIRTUE,
747
244. THE FREEDOM OF THE PARK,
761
245. “IT COSTS NOTHING,”
766
246. A NATURAL POSITION,
792
247. AN UNNATURAL POSITION,
792
248. CORRECT POSITION,
796
249. INCORRECT POSITION,
796
250. HOW WASP WAISTS ARE MADE,
799
251. A CONSUMPTIVE WAIST,
800
252. NON-CONSUMPTIVE WAIST,
800
253. A HEALTHY POSITION,
804
254. POSITION OF ARTERY IN ARM,
811
255. COMPRESSING AN ARTERY IN ARM,
812
256. POSITION OF ARTERY IN LEG,
812
257. THE DOCTOR’S QUEUE,
816
I.
MEDICAL HUMBUGS.
Marina. ... Should I tell my history,
’Twould seem like lies disdained in the reporting.
Pericles. Pray thee, speak.—Shakspeare.
ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF “HUMBUG.”—A FIFTH AVENUE
HUMBUG.—JOB’S OPINION OF DOCTORS.—EARLY PHYSICIANS.
—PRIESTS AS DOCTORS.—WIZARDS COME TO GRIEF.—A
“CAPITAL” OPERATION.—A WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE
PIECES.—ANECDOTE.—ROBIN HOOD’S LITTLE JOKE.—TIT FOR
TAT.—ENGLISH HUMBUGS.—FRENCH DITTO.—A FORTUNE ON
DIRTY WATER.—AMERICAN HUMBUGS.—A FIRST CLASS
“DODGE.”—A
FREE
RIDE.—A
SHARP
INTERROGATOR.—
DOCTOR PUSBELLY.—A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER’S STORY.
—“OLD PILGARLIC” TAKES A BATH.—LUDICROUS SCENE.—
PROFESSOR BREWSTER.
Medical humbugs began to exist with the first pretenders to the science of healing. Quacks originated at a much
later period. So materially different are the two classes, that I am compelled to treat of them separately.
The word humbug is a corruption of Hamburg, Germany, and seems to have originated in London. The
following episode is in illustration of both its origin and meaning:—
“O, Bridget, Bridget!” exclaimed the fashionable mistress of a brown stone front in Fifth Avenue, New York, to
her surprised servant girl, “what have you been doing at the front door?”
“Och, murther! Nothin’, ma’am.”
“Nothing!” repeated the mistress.
[Pg 19]
“Yes’m—that is—” stammered Bridget, greatly embarrassed.
“What were you doing at the front door but a moment since?”
“Nothin’, ma’am, but spakin’ to me cousin; he’s a p’leeceman, ma’am, if ye plaze, ma’am,” replied Bridget,
dropping a low courtesy to the mistress.
“No, no; I did not mean that. But haven’t you been cleaning the door-knob and the bell-pull?”
“Yes’m,” replied Bridget, changing from embarrassment to surprise.
“Why, Bridget, didn’t I tell you never to polish the front door-knobs during the warm season? Now my friends
will think that I have returned from Saratoga—”
“And is it to Saratogy ye’ve been, ma’am?” exclaimed Bridget.
“No, you dunce; but was not the front of the house closed, and the servants forbidden to polish the plates and
glass, that my friends might be led to believe we had all gone to the watering-place?”
That was true humbug. Double humbuggery! for the servant girl was humbugging her mistress by pretending to
polish the door-knobs, while she was really coqueting with a policeman; and the mistress was humbugging her
friends into the belief that the house was closed, and the family gone to Saratoga.
So, Hamburg, on the Elbe, being a fashionable resort of the upper-ten-dom of London, those who would ape
aristocracy, yet being unable to bear the expense of a trip to the Continent, closed the front of their dwellings,
moved into the rear, giving out word that they had gone to Hamburg.
When a house was observed so closed, with a notice on the door, the passers by would wag their heads, and
exclaim, questionably, “Ah, gone to Hamburg!” or, “All gone to Hamburg!” “It’s all Hamburg!” and so on. And,
like a thousand other words in the English language, this became corrupted, and “humbug” followed. Hence,
taking the sense from the derivation of the word, humbug means “an imposition, under fair pretences;” cheat;
hoax; a deception without malicious intent. Webster says it is “a low word.”
The humbugs in medicine, we assert, began to exist with the first persons of whom we have any account in the
history of the healing art. Among the early Egyptian physicians, Æsculapius was esteemed as the most celebrated.
He was the first humbug in his line. However, nearly all the accounts we have of him are mythological. If we are to
credit the early writers, this great healer restored so many to life, that he greatly interfered with undertaker Pluto’s
occupation, who picked a quarrel with Æsculapius, and the two referred the matter to Jupiter for adjudication.
But we may go back of this “god of medicine.” If he was physician to the Argonauts, we must fix the date of his
great exploits at about the year B. C. 1263. It is claimed by good authority that the Book of Job dates back to B.
C. 1520, and is the oldest book extant. Herein we find Job saying, “Ye are forgers of lies; ye are all physicians of
no value.” Since his friends were trying their best to humbug him, Job certainly intimates that physicians—some of
them, at least—were looked upon as humbugs. But, then, Job was only an Arab prince; not an Israelite, at all; nor
does he condescend to mention that “peculiar people” in his book. And besides, what reliance can be based upon
the opinion of a man respecting physicians, whose only surgical instrument consisted of a “piece or fragment of a
broken pot”?
Therefore, leaving the “Arab prince,” we will turn for a moment to the early Jewish physicians. Josephus does not
enlighten us much respecting them. The Old Testament makes mention of physicians in three instances,—the last
figuratively.
The first instance—a rather amusing one—where physicians are mentioned in the sacred writings, is in 2 Chron.
xvi. 12: “And Asa, in the thirty-ninth year of his reign, was diseased in his feet, until the disease was exceeding
great; yet in his disease he sought not to the Lord, but to the physicians.” The compiler adds, very coolly, as
though a natural consequence, “And Asa slept with his fathers!” This reminds us of an anecdote by the late Dr.
Waterhouse. An Irishman obtained twenty grains of morphine, which, instead of quinine, he took at one dose, to
cure the chills. The doctor, in relating it long afterwards, added, laconically, “He being a good Catholic, his funeral
was numerously attended.”
For generations nearly all the pretensions to healing were made by the priests and magicians, who humbugged and
“bamboozled” the ignorant and superstitious rabble to their hearts’ content. Kings and subjects were alike
believers in the Magi. Saul believed in the magic powers of the “witch of Endor.” The wicked king
Nebuchadnezzar classed Daniel and his three companions with the magicians, although Daniel (chap. xi. 10)
denied the imputation. Joseph laid claim to the power of divination; for, having caused the silver cup to be placed
in the sack of corn, and after having sent and brought his brother back, he said (Gen. xliv. 15), “What deed is this
that ye have done? Wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly divine?” It seemed necessary to deal with the
people according to their belief. It was useless to dispute with them. As late as the preaching of Paul and
Barnabas, the whole nations of Jews and Greeks were so tinctured with belief in magic and enchantment in
healing, taught and promulgated by the priesthood, that when the apostles healed the cripple of Lystra, the rabble,
headed by the priests, cried out, “The gods are come down to us in the likeness of men.” And they called
[Pg 20]
[Pg 21]
[Pg 22]
Barnabas Jupiter, and Paul Mercurius.
The town clerk in the theatre said to the excited crowd, “These men are neither robbers of churches, nor yet
blasphemers of your goddess.”
Diana was appealed to for women in childbirth; Mercurius for the healing of cutaneous diseases (herpes),
probably because he carried a herpe, or short sword, also, at times, the caduceus; and Jupiter for various
diseases. But to return to the times of Saul and David.
It seems that the business became overcrowded, and the vilest and most degraded of both sexes swelled the
ranks of sorcerers, astrologers, and spiritualists, until every class and condition of people became impregnated
with these beliefs, from kings to the lowest subject. Finally, the strong arm of the law laid hold of them, and the
edict went forth that “a witch shall not live,” that “a wizard shall be put to death,” and that “the soothsayer be
stoned.”
Nevertheless, the wretches continued to practise their deceptions, but less openly for a time, and they are made
mention of throughout the sacred writings, until “the closing of the canon.”
But the Scriptures are almost totally silent on surgery, and the remedies resorted to by those pretending to the
science—as also by physicians and priests—were such as to lead us to believe that their materia medica was
very limited. Under the head of Ridiculous Prescriptions, we shall mention these remedies:—
The earliest record we find of surgical operations in the Old Testament is in Judges xix. 29,—a “capital
operation,” we may judge, for the account informs us that the patient, a woman, “was divided into twelve pieces.”
Turning to the profane writers for information, we plunge into an abyss of uncertainty, with this exception; that the
practice of medicine—it could not be called a science—was still in the hands of the priesthood, and partook
largely of the fabulous notions of the age, being connected almost entirely with idolatries and humbuggeries. The
cunning priests caused the rabble, from first to last, to believe that all disease was inflicted, not from the violation
of the laws of nature, but by some angry and outraged divinity, whose wrath must be appeased by bribes (paid to
the priests), by incantations, and absurd ceremonies, or else the afflicted victim must die a painful death, and
forever after suffer a more horrible eternity. The priests’ receiving the pay reminds us of the following little
anecdote.
A very pious man, recently congratulating a convalescing patient upon his recovery, asked his friend who had
been his physician.
“Dr. Blank brought me safely through,” was his reply.
“No, no,” said the friend, “God brought you out of this affliction, and healed you,—not the doctor.”
“Well,” replied the man, “may be he did; but I am sure that the doctor will charge me for it.”
The offices of priest and physician were united among the Jews, Heathens, Greeks, Egyptians, and Romans. The
Druids (from draoi, magician) ruled and ruined the ancient Celts, Gauls, Britons, and Germans. The people of
these nations looked up to the priests as though life and death and immortality hung only upon their lips. Among
our aborigines we have also examples of the double office of priest and “medicine man.” And it is an astonishing
fact, that notwithstanding the ignorance of the pretenders to healing, or the ridiculousness of the prescriptions, or
the exorbitant fees, the rabble of the age relied upon them with the most implicit confidence. If the patient
recovered, the priests—embodying the gods—had restored them by their great skill and the favor of some
particular divinity, and so were worshipped, and again rewarded with other fees to offer sacrifices to the
individual god who was supposed to favor the priest or wizard. If he died it was the will of the gods that it should
so be, and the friends lost none of their faith in the abilities of their medical and spiritual advisers.
The priests could not be disposed of so easily as the witches and wizards were supposed to have been, for they
kept the people under greater fear, and held the balance of power in their own hands. The only difference
between the priests and wizards was, that the former claimed to exercise their arts by the power of the gods,
while the latter were said to be assisted by the evil spirits. The priests claimed this in the times of Christ, and tried
to persuade the rabble that he was assisted by Beelzebub. While the grasping priesthood professed poverty and
self-denial, they were continually enriching themselves by robberies and extortions upon the ignorant and
superstitious common people.
A mirth-provoking anecdote is told of Robin Hood and two friars, which we cannot forbear relating here as
illustrative of the above assertion. If our readers regard stories from such a source as very uncertain, we have only
to reply that we are now dealing with “uncertainties.”
“One day, Robin disguised himself as a friar, and went out on the highway. Very soon he met two priests, to
whom he appealed for charity in the blessed Virgin’s name.
“‘That we would do, were it in our power,’ they replied.
“‘I fear you are so addicted to falsehood, I cannot believe that you have no money, as you say. However, let us
[Pg 23]
[Pg 24]
[Pg 25]
