The Dynamics of Infidelity: Applying Relationship Science to Psychotherapy Practice

343 Pages·2017·1.57 MB·English

by  Lawrence Josephs

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Electronic edition published 2018.
ISBN: 978-1-43382799-0 (electronic edition).
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Josephs, Lawrence, author.
Title: The dynamics of infidelity : applying relationship science to psychotherapy practice / Lawrence
Josephs.
Description: Washington, DC : American Psychological Association, [2018] | Includes bibliographical
references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017009999| ISBN 9781433827983 | ISBN 1433827980
Subjects: LCSH: Sex (Psychology) | Adultery—Psychological aspects. | Interpersonal relations. |
Psychotherapy. | Couples therapy.
Classification: LCC BF692 .J67 2018 | DDC 158.2—dc23 LC record available at
https://lccn.loc.gov/2017009999
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A CIP record is available from the British Library.
First Edition http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0000053-000
In memory of Annette and Mike Josephs
CONTENTS
Preface
Introduction
Chapter 1.  To Cheat or Not to Cheat? The Evolution of Fidelity and Infidelity
Chapter 2.  Too Close for Comfort: Attachment Style and Infidelity
Chapter 3.  The Wandering Eyes of Men and Women: Sex Differences in
Motivations for Infidelity
Chapter 4.  Fatal Attractions: The Dark Triad and Infidelity
Chapter 5.  Am I Sexually Desirable? Fidelity and Infidelity as Proof of Mate
Value
Chapter 6.  Sexual Possessiveness and Jealousy: The Psychology of
Retaliatory Infidelity
Chapter 7.  When the Best Sex Is Extramarital: Infidelity Throughout the
Lifespan
Chapter 8.  The Problem of Begrudging Partner Sharing: When Cheaters
Won’t Leave Their Spouses
Chapter 9.  Boys Gone Wild: Can Infidelity Be a Symptom of Sex Addiction?
Chapter 10.  Marital Communication Styles That Predict Betrayal
Conclusion: Why People Remain Faithful
References
About the Author
PREFACE
Psychotherapists who treat patients grappling with conflicts around
infidelity are the audience for this book. This means virtually all
psychotherapists because infidelity is not just an issue for couples therapists.
Unfaithful partners whose affairs have yet to be detected often seek individual
treatment to decide whether to end the affair, end the marriage, or learn how to
better manage the dread of exposure until they decide. Betrayed partners may
seek individual treatment when they have sneaking suspicions that their partners
are being unfaithful but lying about it. Once their suspicions have been
confirmed, they may then seek help to decide whether it’s worth trying to save
the marriage. Affair partners who are trying to decide whether to end an affair
with a married person who is reluctant to leave his or her spouse may seek
individual treatment. And affair partners may suffer heartbreak when their
unfaithful partners break up with them in favor of recommitting to the betrayed
partner.
This book provides an up-to-date review of the psychology of infidelity
from the perspective of relationship science—research by social, personality,
and evolutionary psychologists on the psychology of intimate relationships. It
also provides an integrative treatment approach that, although grounded in basic
psychodynamic principles, uses treatment techniques from mentalization-based
therapy, transference-focused therapy, emotion-focused therapy, marital
communication skills training, and mindfulness/acceptance. My aim is to
promote empathy and understanding for all points of view in a love triangle so
that all players can be treated with compassion and respect as well as helped to
assume responsibility for their role in the unfolding drama despite their
defensiveness.
I have come to appreciate that having a husband who has tried to become an
expert on the psychology of infidelity puts the wife of such an expert in an
awkward position: What’s it like to be married to a husband who is an expert on
infidelity? As a consequence, I owe my wife, Dr. Laura Josephs, a special debt
of gratitude on multiple fronts: for graciously being the wife of an infidelity
expert, for our marriage of more than 30 years, and for doing more than her fair
share of the heavy lifting raising our three boys for all those years in which I was
acquiring the knowledge to eventually be able to write a book on the psychology
of infidelity. I also want to thank my three sons—Aaron, Matthew, and Sam—
who have generously tolerated growing up with a father intellectually absorbed
in the process of becoming an expert on infidelity. Now that they are young
adults, each successful in his own right, I am happy to see that lessons I’ve
learned about accepting people for who they are have paid off handsomely.
This book is about infidelity, but it is also very much about building
bridges. It is about building bridges between clinicians who treat relational
problems and researchers who examine such problems through more systematic
empirical research. It is also about building bridges between more
psychodynamic and more cognitive behavioral approaches to treating relational
problems. To that end, I must thank Jacques Barber, the dean of the Derner
Institute of Advanced Psychological Studies at Adelphi University, and
Christopher Muran, the director of clinical training at Derner, for creating an
atmosphere that supports these sorts of integrative efforts. I also thank George
Stricker, a former dean of the Derner Institute, who originally hired me and is
one of the founding fathers of the movement for the integration of
psychotherapy.
Special thanks are in order for Dr. Orshi Hunyady, an experimental social
psychologist who subsequently trained as a clinical psychologist; Dr. Hunyady
first enabled me to see how bridges could be built between disciplines as
disparate as Freudian psychoanalysis and the experimental social psychology of
adult romantic relationships. Dr. Hunyady and her husband, Dr. John Jost, a
professor of social psychology at New York University, coauthored my initial
foray into bridge building when we published a paper together on using the
experimental technique of mind-set priming to test an esoteric Freudian
hypothesis about the oedipal conflict.
I also thank the students in my research workgroup who have been
sounding boards for many of the ideas discussed in this book: Nina Katzander,
Jessica Shimberg, Annette Attolini-Fertuck, Kirby Weinberg, Laura Tittel,
Olivia Medvedov, Aleksandra Goncharova, Jett Stone, Remi Coker, Taylor
Liberta, Ben Warach, Patrick Mele, and Sara Shapiro-Halberstam. All have been
conducting interesting relationships research that they will apply to clinical
practice. I thank Derner colleagues Robert Bornstein, Joel Weinberger, Kate
Szymanski, and Joy McClure for being good sounding boards, coauthors for
integrative efforts, and good friends over years if not decades.
Finally, I must express a special debt of gratitude to my patients who have
shared their personal struggles with infidelity as unfaithful partners, betrayed
partners, affair partners, and children of parents who struggled with exposed
infidelity. Hearing their stories over the decades has provided the clinical
experience that has enabled me to learn more about infidelity than I could ever
learn from simply reading the research literature on the topic. To share their
stories, I provide numerous clinical illustrations in this book. To protect patients’
confidentiality, those case examples are composite portraits drawn from multiple
patients.