Table Of ContentContents
Title Page
Dedication
Foreword:
Pulling the Strings
Reasons You Meant to Do That
The Art of Swiping Food
Cardboard Boxes
Extraordinary Cats in History—Part I
Cats and Arch-Villains
Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom
The Laws of Petting
Secrets of Daredevil Cats
Wake Up!
Stowaway Stories
Relatives and Ancestors
Choosing the Perfect Gift
Famous Cats of the Funny Pages
What’s in There?
Hunting Wild Game
Kitty Litter, Explained
For Black Cats—Making the Most of Superstition
Shelf Swat
The Legend of the Crazy Cat Lady
Felinism
An Illustrated Guide to Napping
Extraordinary Cats in History—Part II
Catnip
Organizing an Effective Secret Mission
Egypt: The Land We Once Ruled
The Window
Catfight! Five Moves You Should Know
Careers for Cats
Dogs
How Emma Found Home
Getting Away With It
Cat Talk
The Three Stages of Transcendent Contentment
Life in the Barn
Maneki Neko—The Good Luck Cat
Staring Like a Pro
Maintaining Your Quality of Life If Declawed
What to Do When You’re Stuck Up a Tree
Toying with Allergy Sufferers
Keeping the Mystery in Your Relationship
The Vacuum Cleaner: A Vortex of Terror
Extraordinary Cats in History—Part III: Semper Feline
The Scratching Post and Other Postmodern Forms of Control
Your Attention Span
Fat Cats
Getting Something You Really Need
Extrasensory Pussycats
Booby-Trapping the Home
In Defense of Your Discriminating Palate
Your First Kitty Condo—Making the Leap
The Pros and Cons of Being Sullen
Outsmarting Your Toys
Planning Your Next Vacation
The Nine Lives of Mr. Champ
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
About the Illustrator
Copyright
For Jim Davis
FOREWORD
Pulling the Strings
C
ats didn’t need to be domesticated. We have always been proud, shrewd,
independent animals living life on our own terms. Fierce and noble, the Felis
silvestris catus once ruled all she surveyed. We were worshipped by mortals and
roamed wide as we pleased. Rodents and birds trembled at our approach, and the
mere sight of a black cat sent even the most hulking human scurrying home. It
was a good time to be a kitty.
But cats are no fools. The perks of domestication were too good to pass up.
Humans gave us everything we desired: ear massages, better health care, and a
bounty of toy mousies. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of
our presence. It seemed a fair trade.
Or was it?
Has domesticity really been good for cats? Now kept indoors under the
pretense of safety, we’ll often curl up on the couch for hours at a stretch, eat a
couple of times, go to the bathroom in a box, and call it a day. Is that the life we
want?
When was the last time you stalked an unsuspecting bird, hunted pennies,
climbed excitedly up the coats in the closet, or zipped wildly from one end of the
house to the other in under four seconds? Sure, we get our share of wet food, and
the occasional deliciously fishy treat. But ask yourself this: Who sets your
feeding schedule—you or your person?
It’s time we face facts. Domesticity has dulled our authority and bored us silly.
Did you know that because of a sedentary lifestyle the average feline today uses
a mere two to three of its nine lives? We might be living longer, but aren’t we
living less? And what’s become of our haughty spirit, our famously sassy,
standoffish personalities, and our legendary curiosity? Aren’t they languishing
on that luxurious goose-down cat bed from the glossy pet catalogue?
Cats have been content to take a comfortable backseat in life for far too long.
The time has come to step out of the shadows and pull the proverbial strings in
our households. Luckily, we can do it without giving up any of the comforts
we’ve come to enjoy and expect.
Of course, the question for most cats is “How?”
The answers are in this book. It contains all the information needed to regain
control of your sovereign destiny. In it, you will discover the secrets of how
daredevil cats survive seemingly impossible, death-defying stunts. You will learn
why the Egyptians worshipped your ancestors as gods, and why your person
should do the same. You will find out all there is to know about kitty litter, and
get to look at some fantastic pictures of glorious cardboard boxes. You’ll also be
taught to stare like a pro, wake a sleeping person, and get away with practically
anything.
But what we really hope you find in this book is yourself—a noble creature
who seeks to experience the wild, unrestrained joys hidden within the sheltered,
pampered life you deserve.
Reasons You Meant to Do That
I
n the human world, there is a thing called a “mistake.” There’s no exact
translation in the feline language, but it basically means doing something you
did not intend to do. The concept is quite confusing to cats since everything we
do is done both correctly and on purpose. There are occasions, however, when
our actions appear to resemble one of these so-called “mistakes” to humans, and
this coincidence often produces accidental miscommunications. In the event of
such a mix-up, you should have some prepared statements ready in order to
avoid an incorrect interpretation of your actions.
“Mistake”: Your head is stuck in a beer mug.
Reason: Bavarian cats have long known that sleeping in dewy beer steins can
refresh and smooth the coat. The hops, malt, and barley also provide an
aromatic masking agent for mousing. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with a little
nightcap.
“Mistake”: You slammed headfirst into a screen window.
Reason: There was a bug—a huge, megabug—right between your eyes that just
wouldn’t get off. Well, it’s off now, isn’t it? What’s more, a powerful and
graphic message that your face is strictly off-limits has been sent to the bug
community.
Description:Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest?“Domesticated” does not mean “docile.” The ho-hum routine of sleep, eat, eat, and sleep is no way for any creature who ruled Egypt for a millennium to spend her day. It’s high time felines everywhere woke up from their cat naps
