Table Of ContentRT51089_half title page 6/27/05 12:20 PM Page 1
The Client
Who
Changed Me
RT51089_C000.ind.indd 2 6/16/05 8:02:17 PM
RT51089_title page 6/27/05 12:18 PM Page 1
The Client
Who
Changed Me
Stories of
Therapist Personal
Transformation
Jeffrey A. Kottler and Jon Carlson
NEW YORK AND HOVE
RT51089_RT51070_Discl.fm Page 1 Tuesday, July 12, 2005 10:22 AM
Published in 2005 by Published in Great Britain by
Routledge Routledge
Taylor & Francis Group Taylor & Francis Group
270 Madison Avenue 27 Church Road
New York, NY 10016 Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA
© 2005 by Taylor & Francis Group, LLC
Routledge is an imprint of Taylor & Francis Group
Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
International Standard Book Number-10: 0-415-95107-0 (Hardcover) 0-415-95108-9 (Softcover)
International Standard Book Number-13: 978-0-415-95107-4 (Hardcover) 978-0-415-95108-1 (Softcover)
Library of Congress Card Number 2005001706
No part of this book may be reprinted, reproduced, transmitted, or utilized in any form by any electronic,
mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying, microfilming, and
recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the publishers.
Trademark Notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only
for identification and explanation without intent to infringe.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kottler, Jeffrey A.
The client who changed me : stories of therapist personal transformation / Jeffrey A. Kottler and
Jon Carlson.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-415-95107-0 (hb : alk. paper) -- ISBN 0-415-95108-9 (pb : alk. paper)
1. Psychotherapist and patient. I. Carlson, Jon. II. Title.
RC480.8.K678 2003
616.89'17--dc22 2005001706
Visit the Taylor & Francis Web site at
http://www.taylorandfrancis.com
Taylor & Francis Group and the Routledge Web site at
is the Academic Division of T&F Informa plc.
http://www.routledge-ny.com
CONTENTS
About the Authors vii
1. FROM CLAY TO FIRE: A Mythological Tale 1
2. JEFFREY A. KOTTLER: About Last Night 9
3. JON CARLSON: Self-Surgery to Remove the Transponder 17
4. VIOLET OAKLANDER: The Kitten That Roared 29
5. FRANK PITTMAN: An Affair with an Alien 39
6. ROBERT NEIMEYER: Using Metaphors to Thaw a
Frozen Woman 49
7. ALAN MARLATT: A New Name 55
8. ALBERT ELLIS: Learning from a Difficult Customer 65
9. BRADFORD KEENEY: A Family of Pirates 71
1 0. JOHN GRAY: Little Things Make a Big Difference 85
1 1. STEVEN LANKTON: Clients Tune Me Up 91
1 2. DAVID E. SCHARFF: The Patient Who Taught Me to
Be a Therapist 101
1 3. PAT LOVE: The Broken Heart 111
1 4. LAURA BROWN: A Spiritual Awakening 119
v
RT51089_C000.ind.indd 5 6/16/05 8:02:18 PM
vi THE CLIENT WHO CHANGED ME
1 5. KEN HARDY: Mister Black Doctor 123
1 6. MICHAEL YAPKO: Caught in a Controversy 129
1 7. JOHN MURPHY: A Language of Shrugs 139
1 8. JOHN KRUMBOLTZ: The Story of the Sun and the Wind 147
1 9. PAUL PEDERSEN: A Lesson in Humility 153
2 0. LENORE WALKER: Finding Justice with a Sledgehammer 161
2 1. BARRY DUNCAN: When Courage Is Enough 169
2 2. LEIGH McCULLOUGH: The Lady Cloaked in Fog 179
2 3. PATRICIA ARREDONDO: The Client Who Inspired
Her Therapist 185
2 4. HOWARD KIRSCHENBAUM: A Flood of Feeling 191
2 5. How Clients Change Their Therapists 199
About the Contributors 217
References 221
RT51089_C000.ind.indd 6 6/16/05 8:02:18 PM
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
JEFFREY A. KOTTLER is one of the most prolific authors in the fields of
psychology and education, having written 55 books about a wide range
of subjects. He has authored a dozen texts for counselors and therapists
that are used in universities around the world, and a dozen books each
for practicing therapists and for educators. Some of his most highly re-
garded works include On Being a Therapist, The Imperfect Therapist,
Compassionate Therapy, Finding Your Way as a Counselor, and Making
Changes Last. He has also written several highly successful books for
the public that describe complex phenomena in highly accessible prose:
Beyond Blame, Travel That Can Change Your Life, Private Moments,
Secret Selves, The Language of Tears, and The Last Victim: Inside the
Minds of Serial Killers.
Jeffrey has been an educator for 25 years. He has worked as a teacher,
a counselor, and a therapist in preschool, middle school, mental health cen-
ter, crisis center, university, community college, and private practice settings.
He has been a Fulbright Scholar and senior lecturer in Peru (1980) and
Iceland (2000), and has worked as a visiting professor in New Zealand,
Australia, Hong Kong, Singapore, and Nepal. Jeffrey is currently chair of
the Counseling Department at California State University, Fullerton.
JON CARLSON, Psy.D., Ed.D., is distinguished professor of psychology
and counseling at Governors State University, University Park, Illinois,
and a psychologist with the Wellness Clinic in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.
In addition to serving as the longtime editor of The Family Journal, Jon is
the author of 35 books in the areas of family therapy, marital enrichment,
consultation, and Adlerian psychology. Some of his best-known works in-
clude The Intimate Couple, The Disordered Couple, Brief Therapy with
Individuals and Couples, Health Counseling, Theories and Strategies of
Family Therapy, and Time for a Better Marriage.
vii
RT51089_C000.ind.indd 7 6/16/05 8:02:19 PM
viii THE CLIENT WHO CHANGED ME
Jon has developed and produced more than 200 commercial video-
tapes that feature the most prominent leaders in the field (including the
professionals featured in this book) demonstrating their theories in action.
These videos are used to train the next generation of practitioners.
Together, Jeffrey and Jon have collaborated on four other books:
American Shaman (with Bradford Keeney), Bad Therapy, The Mummy
at the Dining Room Table, and Their Finest Hour.
RT51089_C000.ind.indd 8 6/16/05 8:02:19 PM
Chapter 1
FROM CLAY TO FIRE
A Mythological Tale
Myths are central to the core of human experience in all cultures and
contexts. They are, in the words of Joseph Campbell (1991), “public
dreams” in the same sense that dreams are merely private myths. They
provide a window into a culture, whether that viewpoint looks at matters
of cosmology, sociology, or a profession such as psychotherapy. Without
myths, Rollo May (1992) argued, a society will rupture just as clients’
own search for meaning will collapse unless their search for “truth”
involves replacing limited stories with other myths that provide a new
foundation on which to stand.
Throughout human history, there have always been myths and
cultural stories related to godlike figures who provide guidance and
nurturance for vulnerable mortals. The stories of Zeus, Neptune, Thor,
Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, and others all portray super ordinary
beings who work on behalf of human beings, who often cannot manage
their own affairs without some divine intervention. It was even said
that the gods invented humankind as a source of entertainment, just as
the novelist Tom Robbins once commented that water invented human
beings as a means for transporting itself from one place to another.
In all their interactions with human beings, gods were almost never
changed by these encounters—the influence moved in only one direction.
The gods, by definition, were immutable, as constant as the stars. Their job
was to change others while remaining impervious to change themselves.
Contemporary therapists might find these points relevant to their own
training. We are taught from our very first courses that we are to avoid
meeting our own needs at all costs, that we are to remain objective and
detached. We are instructed to enforce clear, consistent, and impenetrable
boundaries that prevent possible “boomerang” effects in which we might
be inadvertently changed for the worse. It is as if, like the ancient gods, we
are supernatural beings who, through training, supervision, and supreme
1
RT51089_C001.ind.indd 1 6/16/05 8:02:04 PM
