Table Of ContentTHE AUTISM
RELATIONSHIPS
HANDBOOK
How to Thrive in
Friendships, Dating, and Love
Joe Biel and Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
Microcosm Publishing
Portland, Ore
THE AUTISM
REL ATIONSHIPS
H A N D B O O K
How to Thrive in
Friendships, Dating, and Love
Joe Biel and Faith G. Harper,
PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
Microcosm Publishing
Portland, Ore
THE AUTISM RELATIONSHIPS HANDBOOK
How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love
© 2021 Joe Biel and Fath G. Harper
© This edition Microcosm Publishing 2021
First edition - 3,000 copies - March 23, 2021
ISBN 9781621066194
This is Microcosm #485
Cover by Lindsey Cleworth
Edited by Elly Blue and Lydia Rogue
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Biel, Joe, author. | Harper, Faith G., author.
Title: The autism relationships handbook : how to thrive in friendships,
dating, and love / by Joe Biel & Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN.
Description: Portland, OR : Microcosm Publishing, [2020] | Summary: “Ever
since he came out as autistic, people have been contacting Joe to share
their stories and ask questions. The most common question by far: how do
I find a romantic partner? Dr. Faith G. Harper, author of Unfuck Your
Brain and Unfuck Your Intimacy joins autistic publisher and author Joe
Biel to offer hard-won guidance on a wide range of topics about
friendships, dating, and romance and answer a ton of questions. What do
you want out of a relationship? What is the difference between flirting
and harassment? How do you have a fun date and get to know someone when
eye contact and prolonged conversation aren’t your strengths? How do you
change a casual acquaintance into friendship or dating? How do you
express your needs and make sure you’re hearing your partner when they
express theirs? How do you maintain a healthy, happy long term
relationship? Autistic readers will find valuable answers and
perspectives in this book, whether you’re just getting ready to jump
into dating, seeking to forge closer friendships, or looking to improve
your existing partnership or marriage”-- Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020024278 | ISBN 9781621066194 (trade paperback) | ISBN
9781621066224 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Autism. | Autistic people----Social life and customs.
Classification: LCC RC553.A88 B522 2021 | DDC 616.85/882--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020024278
MICROCOSM PUBLISHING is Portland’s most diversified publishing
house and distributor with a focus on the colorful, authentic, and empowering.
Our books and zines have put your power in your hands since 1996, equipping
readers to make positive changes in their lives and in the world around them.
Microcosm emphasizes skill-building, showing hidden histories, and fostering
creativity through challenging conventional publishing wisdom with books
and bookettes about DIY skills, food, bicycling, gender, self-care, and social
justice. What was once a distro and record label was started by Joe Biel in his
bedroom and has become among the oldest independent publishing houses in
Portland, OR. We are a politically moderate, centrist publisher in a world that
has inched to the right for the past 80 years.
Global labor conditions are bad, and our roots in industrial Cleveland in the 70s
and 80s made us appreciate the need to treat workers right. Therefore, our books
are MADE IN THE USA.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 7
PART ONE 11
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF
INTRODUCTION 11
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AUTISTIC (AND WHY THAT IS AWESOME) 11
HISTORY 17
AUTISM AS A SUPERPOWER 18
CHAPTER ONE 21
HOW TRAUMA FUCKS UP OUR SENSE OF SELF
WHAT IS TRAUMA 21
HOW TRAUMA AFFECTS RELATIONSHIPS 24
ADDICTION 26
CHAPTER TWO 29
DEVELOP YOUR VALUES
UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS 30
FIGURE OUT YOUR BOUNDARIES 32
HOW DO BOUNDARIES WORK? 33
MAKING BOUNDARIES 41
HOW TO ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARIES 45
CHAPTER THREE 47
UNDERSTAND YOUR SEXUAITY AND GENDER
CHAPTER FOUR 51
LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES
PART TWO 57
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE
INTRODUCTION 57
CHAPTER FIVE 63
BUILDING BLOCKS FOR ANY RELATIONSHIPS
UNDESTAND AND RELATE TO THEIR FEELINGS 63
DEALING WITH HURT FEELINGS 69
FIGURE OUT THEIR BOUNDARIES 72
CHAPTER SIX 75
FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
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CHAPTER SEVEN 79
FRIENDSHIP
CHAPTER EIGHT 91
QUEER PLATONIC PARTNERSHIP
CHAPTER NINE 93
DATING
GETTING STARTED 93
ONCE YOU HAVE A DATE 101
STALKING 105
HOOKUP CULTURE 107
CHAPTER TEN 109
RELATIONSHIPS
NEW RELATIONSHIPS 111
LOVE VS. DEPENDANCE 113
RELATIONSHIP RULES 114
CHAPTER ELEVEN 117
LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS
LIVING TOGETHER 119
CHAPTER TWELVE 125
SEX
SENSATE TOUCH EXERCISE 126
CHAPTER THIRTEEN 135
HEALTHY CONFLICT VS. ABUSE
COERCIVE CONTROL 141
AUTISM AND ABUSE 145
OVERCOMING RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA 148
THE “NO” TEST 150
SIGNS OF A COERCIVELY CONTROLLING PERSON 151
RED FLAGS OF A MANIPULATIVE PARTNER OR EARLY
STAGE COERCIVELY CONTROLLING PARTNER 152
COERCIVE CONTROL STRATEGIES WIELDED
TOWARD LESBIAN, GAY, PLURISEXUAL, TRANS, AND
NONBINARY INDIVIDUALS 154
GREEN FLAGS 155
CONCLUSION 157
FURTHER READING 158
ABOUT THE AUTHORS 159
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INTRODUCTION
W
elcome. We wrote this book to save the lives of
autistic people.
That’s not overinflated ego on our part. In 2017,
the American Journal of Public Health reported a
study that the average autistic person only lives to be 36 years old. The
leading cause of death is suicide because of social isolation—nine times
more likely than our allistic (not neurodiverse) peers.
Relationships, including friendships, are the biggest protective factor
against dying by suicide. Other people in your life help you curb those
feelings of loneliness and isolation while helping you keep pace in the
rhythms of life with other people. Other people may not be able to fix
everything that you are struggling with, but they can love and support
you while you struggle.
Additionally, those of us who are neurodiverse are twelve times more
likely than the general population to be the victims of abuse from
parents, teachers, and other authorities. These experiences lead to
substantial trauma and problematic attachment styles that get in the
way of seeking relationships and friendships even though healthy
relationships are the best medicine to help us to better be supported
and understand these events in our lives. Not to mention, having other
people around in our emotional lives keeps us safer because others who
care about us are watching and protecting us.
Often this treatment manifests in the form of anxiety, depression,
anger, addiction, maladaptive problem solving, trust issues, and trauma
triggers that might not be helpful in the present for solving problems.
Sometimes, when we need the most support, we lash out at others
from fear of rejection. Pushing someone away before they surely will
push us away is far safer for us, according to our traumatized brains.
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Joe was diagnosed with autism at 32 and mentors half a dozen autistic
young people. The number one topic that they ask about is dating and
relationships. They want to know how to judge someone’s character,
why their friends keep scattering, how to express interest, how to
know if someone likes them, and how to know if someone has the
same values as they do, i.e. is “a good person.” Of course, they rarely
like Joe’s advice because these are not simple areas of personal growth.
When you find stories in the first person throughout this book (e.g., “I
had this experience”), that’s Joe talking.
Faith is a therapist who works with numerous neurodiverse individuals.
Two of her special focuses are trauma (which a lot of autistic people
experience because of how neurodiverse people are treated in society;
you can read about coping with trauma in her bestselling book Unfuck
Your Brain), and relationships (which you can read about in the sequel,
Unfuck Your Intimacy). She also happens to have a (now adult) child who
is neurodiverse and would sob at night over how difficult and exhausting
it was to understand other human beings, which of course made her
want to punch the entire planet on a regular basis. Hopefully all of
this means that she has a lot of wisdom to offer here, for the parts of
your dating / relationshipping / intimacy that have to do with autism,
the parts that have to do with trauma, and the parts that are hard for
all humans (because sometimes it’s nice to know that the allistics are
struggling, too).
If you’re autistic or think you might be, this guide is for you. If you’re
single and happy with it, or single and don’t want to be, or dating, or in
a relationship that’s happy or unhappy or you just aren’t sure how any
of this is “supposed” to work, or between relationships, or etc… this
book is for you.
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