The Adult Joke Book

375 Pages·2009·5.11 MB·English

by  Johnny Sharpe

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Adult Joke/BooksPlus 16/6/04 11:37 AM Page 1
A Hilarious Collection
of BAWDY, RIDICULOUS
& POLITICALLY
INCORRECT Jokes
By Johnny Sharpe
WARsNoImNeG m: Caoyn ftianidn so mffeantesriviael!
This ebook licensed to bbbbiiiillllllllyyyy ccccoooorrrruuuummmm. Unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this ebook is illegal.
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By Johnny Sharpe
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This edition published in 2006 by Arcturus Publishing Limited
26/27 Bickels Yard, 151–153 Bermondsey Street,
London SE1 3HA
Copyright © 2004 Arcturus Publishing Limited
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise,
without written permission in accordance with the provisions of the
Copyright Act 1956 (as amended). Any person or persons who do any
unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to
criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
ISBN-13: 978-1-84193-575-1
ISBN-10: 1-84193-575-1
Printed in China
E727C34A-C483-4AA0-8287-C790F20F0528 Johnny Sharpe is a fictional character.
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CONTENTS
THE EARLY DAYS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
The New Arrival 9
Ma and Pa 11
Early Learning 18
LEAVING SCHOOL . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Clubbing 29
The Movies 32
The Law 38
Love’s Young Dream 52
Off to Work 66
A Walk on the Wild Side 78
LOVE AND MARRIAGE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
Bedtime Stories 87
Wedding Bells 106
Honeymooning 108
Married Bliss 115
NEST BUILDING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
Church Times 137
Earning a Crust 151
Friends and Neighbours 168
Playtime 185
Football 194
Golf 198
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CONTENTS
Party Animal 206
Pubbing 208
Red Light at Night 228
PILLAR OF SOCIETY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 239
Healthy Behaviour 241
Doctor’s Orders 246
Down in the Mouth 263
Hospital Habits 265
On the Move 270
Loads of Money 294
Shopping Spree 303
Small Talk 310
MALE MENOPAUSE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 319
Playing Away 321
Smart Remarks 338
The Grass is Always Greener 351
LATE IN THE DAY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 359
Age Catches Up 361
Dead Ends 375
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THE
EARLY
DAYS
Johnny has always reckoned that being born
is like coming out of the cinema in the
afternoon having watched a romantic film –
all that bright light and everyone crying.
Johnny’s was a notable birth. He was so ugly
the nurse slapped his mother. His mother put
shutters on the pram and the only people to
cuddle him were scientists. Johnny has gone
on to record a multiple birth – well, put it
like this … like Boots, he has branches all
over England.
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THE EARLY DAYS
THE NEW ARRIVAL
The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out
how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the
waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her,
he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
“How’s it going?” she asked anxiously.
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got four out and there’s only
one to go.”
“Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted.
★ ★ ★
The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband.
“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t
that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”
“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is
this?”
★ ★ ★
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have
a baby. The following day, his boss asked him what it was – a
boy or a girl.
“Too early to say,” said Johnny.” “it’ll be another 9 months
before we know the answer to that.”
9
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