Table Of ContentThe
ABRIDGED
Connection
Toolbox
–
6
Tools
For
Deep
Connection
Authors
Bryan Bayer, AMP co-founder
Decker Cunov, AMP co-founder
Note: This is only a partial version of the full
"Connection Toolbox: The Top 12 Practices For Deep
Connection"
When you order the full Getting Her World Program, you’ll receive the remaining 6
practices:
* Get Shared Reality
* Reference Earlier Theme
* Set Context
* Play a Game
* Explore Dissonance
* Genuine Curiosity
For more information and to order, go to: http://GettingHerWorld.com
OVERVIEW
OF
THE
CONNECTION
PRACTICES:
Like an NBA basketball player drills on the basics to make art in the moment, or a
martial artist trains in particular moves, these Connection Practices are your “chops”
for creating deep connection and rewarding interactions.
As you practice your “chops”, you’ll find yourself putting these pieces together, doing
“combo-moves”, and eventually weaving them like a symphony, and as they become
second-nature to you, you’ll find yourself making ART in your interactions…!
THIS IS AN OVERVIEW, NOT A COMPREHENSIVE MANUAL
I could write for days about these practices, but the bottom line is that most of this
stuff is NOT best learned from reading about it. Read through the practices, pick a
couple to explore for a few days, and give it a shot even if you’re not completely sure
how it will land, and then adjust from there.
But first, I’m going to share with you an article I wrote a couple years ago for our AMP
Inner Circle Members that demonstrates several of these practices in a fun
interaction I had with a woman at a house party.
I’m sharing this story with you to show you:
1) How these Connection Practices apply in a real-world situation – even with a
woman who’s pretty feisty!
2) That this isn’t just a “Decker-only” skill – I didn’t always relate to women like this,
but I learned it, Decker learned it, and YOU can learn this, too.
And since I’m an uber-geek about this stuff, I’ll break down the stages of the AMP
Holarchy and the AMP Connection Practices as they come into play during the
interaction – and note them in Blue.
“Intense
First
Encounter”
At a house party I noticed a woman -- she was petite, small features, short curly brown
hair, and cute… but looked tense and hard somehow.
We happened to make eye contact, and I found myself playing with her wordlessly,
making faces at her, exaggerating my expression, while maintaining eye contact…
Me: <solid eye contact> Hi!
Her: >defiantly> Oh, you don’t wanna have a staring contest with ME… I’ll win.
Me: <eyebrow raised> Oh yeah?
And so it begins… we square off, and sure
enough, this girl can hold her own.
[Connection Practice: Playing a Game]
I step closer to amp up the intensity, so we’re
almost nose-to-nose now, full, unblinking eye
contact, in silence… I can feel people in the
party out of the corner of my eye starting to
look at us, like, “What are they DOING?”
After about 30 seconds, I’m feeling tired of this “challenger game”…I’m ready to
change things up a bit.
Me: <gently> I’m noticing I want to feel more of a connection with you, than
competition with you… (Express a Desire [Integrity])
Her: <suspicious, defiant, still holding eye contact> What do you mean?
Me: <pausing to enjoy her defiance>… (Embrace Resistance [Appreciation])
Me: Well, It feels like we’re two plus signs… <feeling the sensations of tension in my
body - Speaking the Moment [Presence]>
Me: And I’m wanting to feel more of a circuit of connection…
(Express a Desire [Integrity])
Her: <nodding, slowly, eyes still narrowed. This chick is HARD>
Me: So… I could soften, and be more yin, more receptive… <doing this as I describe it,
softening my eyes, inviting her into me… I’m going to make MYSELF vulnerable, to pave
the way for more connection… Share Vulnerably [Wholeness] -- I’m enjoying myself,
and the challenge>
Her: <nodding slowly, suspicious/defiant>
Me: <smiling now>… cause you’re SURE as hell not gonna let go… (celebrating her
resistance to opening up…this is fun! - Embrace Resistance [Appreciation])
Her: <face tightening into a tense smile> Damn straight!
<I’m laughing at first, then feeling into her… softer now>
Me: Oh, I see… the times when you’ve let someone in… you’ve been hurt. (PRESENCE,
APPRECIATION of Shared Humanity between us – Offer Reflection [Appreciation])
Her: <lips pursed, nodding, through a tight jaw, face flushing now…> Multiple times.
Me: <Nodding, feeling her> So you’ve hardened yourself with a shell…
<she’s softening now, involuntarily, struggling, nodding>
<I’m totally with her now, very soft and present with her, allowing myself to be
impacted by her>
Me: …to make sure it never happens again…
Me: Wow…I can feel you softening now… it feels really good… (Share Impact
[Appreciation])
Her: Stop it! <tears starting to well up, looking away, struggling to contain herself>
<I’m slowly, with regard, smiling gently, enjoying her…putting an arm out, around her
shoulders, to bring her in for a reassuring hug>
Me: It’s beautiful, your opening… (technically not “owning my truth”, but this is just
what came out)
<Her eyes really tearing up now, pushing me away angrily, but conflicted, half-
heartedly…>
Her: STOP IT!
Me: <pausing, checking, feeling her, staying with her…> Do you really mean that?
Seems to me you WANT to be seen… (Exploring Dissonance [Integrity])
Me: <feeling into her, really starting to see her world> But it’s scary…
Her: <nodding, wiping a tear away, then, almost suddenly catching herself, and
hardening, angrily> I don’t even KNOW you. Why the hell should I trust YOU?
Me: <eyebrows raised, pausing> Good question. You’ve got no reason to trust me, do
you? We just met. (APPRECIATION & INTEGRITY—Remaining Composed, being a YES
to her test/resistance… Embrace Resistance [Appreciation])
Her: <IMMEDIATELY relaxing> Whoah. You’re good. Every other guy I’ve said that to
argues with me, tries to convince me why I should trust him… <pausing, looking
closer at me, REALLY engaged now> Who ARE you? Where are you from?
<I’m remaining silent now, smiling broadly now, REALLY enjoying this interaction…loving
how things are unfolding…>
Her: How old are you? I’m probably too old for you… (she’s getting a little wound up,
not quite sure what to do with herself…it’s adorable…)
Me: <putting a hand out, taking her wrist, to “ground” her a little bit> Let’s slow down
for a moment, and just breathe together for a second… (Offer Direction [Integrity])
<snip>
We had a fun adventure from here on out…
NOW,
YOU
CAN
REFERENCE
EACH
POINT
IN
THE
STORY
WITH
THE
PRACTICE
THAT
WAS
BEING
APPLIED…
Plus, we've gone meticulously through every segment of the Getting Her World
Program and listed examples of where each of these practices is demonstrated, in the
moment, with time codes. So if you're looking to train in a particular practice, you can
simply skip to those spots and watch example after example.
Offer
Reflection
PART
OF
THE
HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION
OVERVIEW
My friend and former AMP Facilitator Guy Sengstock is fond of saying, “You can’t see
your own eyeball.”
The power of Offering Reflection is that we get to give someone the gift of themselves,
through our eyes. It’s a generous way of living in the world.
Man, there’s a lot that I could say about this practice. I’ll cover some of the main
points:
OFTEN
CONFUSED
WITH
“GIVING
COMPLIMENTS”
Offering reflection can be confused with “giving compliments”, and they’re very different
in that there’s no inherent EVALUATION inside of offering a reflection, as opposed to
compliments, which are generally “positive”. Whereas the goal of a compliment
“You’re great” “You’re pretty” “You are very generous” is usually to “make someone
feel good”, the “goal”(more an opportunity, really) of Offering Reflection is to have them
feel uniquely seen -- and to speak to the deeper layers of BEING, to that person’s
ESSENCE.
EXAMPLE
OF
OFFERING
REFLECTION
This is an excerpt from a blog post written by a girl who I’d recently met -- she calls me
“Caleb” for anonymity purposes. It demonstrates the power of Offering Reflection over
Giving Compliments:
--------------
"You have the most beautiful eyes,” DOES NOT BEAT:
"You know what I like about you. You have no filter. You say what you want to say
and it's not awkward or mean. It's just what you want to say." THIS is what Caleb
said.
"Your skin is like...porcelain," DOES NOT BEAT:
"Have you always been this innocent? This full of wonder?" THIS is what Caleb said.
Written down--maybe the innocent thing sounds cheesy, untrue, a ridiculous
exaggeration. But honestly, I am innocent. I am full of wonder. Despite all the men,
despite all the threesomes, despite the recent broken heart, despite the BDSM and
the orgies and the strapons--I'm innocent. I'm full of wonder. I look at this world I'm in
and created for myself and I'm like--ahh. Wonderful.
These are things that Caleb said. Because he was responding to what I was giving him.
----------------
It’s not so much the words as the flavor behind the words…hopefully this helps clarify
the “tone” of Offering Reflection…
Offering Reflection isn’t inherently “positive or negative” – I’ve offered reflection that
most people might consider “negative”, yet they felt seen, and we felt closer as a
result.
TO
A
GOOD
FRIEND
OF
MINE,
I
OFFERED
THIS
REFLECTION
-‐-‐
NOT
NECESSARILY
“GOOD”
OR
“BAD”:
“You know, my experience of you is that you have no morals. It seems that there’s a
part of you that actually doesn’t care about ANY of this. And while that has me
concerned about whether you have my best interests in mind, I also find you incredibly
trustable, because since you ARE so “unplugged” from needing anyone to feel good
about you or to like you, it frees you up to say WHATEVER is really true for you – and
THAT is something I find really trustable about you.”
So, as you can see, it doesn't have to be all “positive”. And you can see that I mixed in
Offering Reflection with “Sharing Impact” – they go really well together.
There are different types of offering reflection, as well. Here are a couple:
TYPES
OF
OFFERING
REFLECTION
Emotional-Summary Reflections – Feeling into the emotional sentiment behind
someone’s words, and offering the “emotional summary” of what they’re sharing.
Example: Someone’s talking fondly, longingly about their deceased Dad, sharing story
after story… the Emotional-Summary Reflection might be, “What I'm getting is that you
really love and miss your Dad...”
This is powerful for helping people “bottom-line” what they're trying to say, and reflect
that back to them so they know you “get it”.
Acknowledgement – An acknowledgement is an especially powerful type of reflection,
often woven in with the practice of Sharing Impact – the impact and contribution that
they’ve had on you and your life. In our AMP/AuthenticWorld community, we often
honor people at their birthdays with an acknowledgement circle, where we share our
experience of them, and who they are for us in our lives.
Example: “Garrison, I want to acknowledge you for the idea for Getting Her World, and
your level of attention to detail that has it being as professionally produced as it is.
Even as I feel crazy when we spend too much time working together, I've really enjoyed
this project with you. I feel honored to have worked with you on this, and proud to have
you and this program represent us and our work.”
And, there are more types… Speaking The Moment is specific practice that’s a form of Offering
Reflection as well…
Regardless of the type, one important consideration about Offering Reflection is this:
BE
WILLING
TO
BE
HAVE
YOUR
REFLECTION
NOT
MATCH
UP
WITH
THEIR
EXPERIENCE
OF
THEMSELVES
Be open to being totally OFF about their experience, and willing to co-explore it with
them. If their experience REALLY doesn’t match yours, this is where the practice of
EXPLORING INCONGRUITY is useful… (covered later in this guide)
MY
PERSONAL
EXPERIENCE
WITH
OFFERING
REFLECTION:
I find myself Offering Reflection ALL the time, with lots of people in my life. My friend
Kal has even commented on it, offering ME the reflection that I tend to Offer Reflection
a lot!
And, one of the super-powers of our AMP Intensives and our unique “circling”
methodology is that we offer a LOT of reflection. This tends to take people deeper into
their OWN experience, and deepens the level of trust between us when they know that
we’re tracking what it’s like to be THEM, and they often feel safer to go much deeper
than they otherwise would.
GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES:
Exploring Incongruity
Sharing Impact
DEMONSTRATED
IN
GETTING
HER
WORLD
(http://GettingHerWorld.com):
• In the bonus video, Intersubjective Meditation Practice, Garrison and Bodhi (one
of our AMP women) go deeply into Offering Reflection, Sharing Impact, Exploring
Incongruity, and Speaking the Moment, facilitated by Decker – an awesome
example of these practices.
Other good examples:
• In Segment 18 of Getting Her World Decker tells Karina, “You’re like most
guy’s dream girl.” And goes on to share why…
• In Segment 4, Decker reflects to Jennifer his experience of how she tends to
override her resistance at times…
Other Examples:
Karina segment 3 (0:54), 4 (0:53, 1:03, 2:11) 5 (0:55, 1:51), 6 (1:23), 7 (1:04), 8
(2:05), 9 (3:00), 11 (2:57), 14 (0:56), 15 (2:54), 16 (0:57, 1:58, 2:23, 4:35), 17
(0:38, 1:45), 18 (0:24, 2:27), 19 (0:41), 23 (4:24), 24 (3:03, 5:11), 25 (0:44), 27
(4:10, 5:33), 32 (4:38), 33 (3:05), 36 (4:10)
Jennifer segment 1 (4:41, 14:06), 2 (1:11, 1:28), 3 (:20, 2:36), 4 (:37, 1:16,
2:57), 5 (4:05), 9 (1:13), 10 (2:54, 5:43), 18 (3:20), 21 (2:45, 4:18, 7:12)
Kendra segment 2 (1:02, 1:18), 4 (2:11), 5 (0:53), 6 (3:44)
Share
Impact
PART
OF
THE
HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION
OVERVIEW
Ok, this one is key, which is why I made a whole video about it on the blog --
http://blog.gettingherworld.com/?p=15
When you’re getting another person’s world, you’re asking questions (often lots of
them), to clarify and flesh out what their world is like. Whenever I do this with women
I’ve first met, they sometimes get a little bristly, like, “What, are you trying to
psychoanalyze me?” And while I might joke with them at first (Embrace Resistance,
right) – “Yes, I’m checking to see how crazy you are”, if they’re still wary, I’ll Share My
Desire – that my reason for asking questions is that I’m wanting to understand what
it’s like to be them…
It’s actually two parts…
The first part is being willing to ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE IMPACTED.
This means being willing to feel what she’s feeling. Embrace intense sensations and
emotions (the FULL RANGE) – actually LEAN INTO THEM, relish them, savor them…
retrain your habitual patterns of recoiling from intensity (whether it’s to “plow through”,
dissociate, or withdraw…)… learn to stay present with intensity.
The second part is to SHARE THAT IMPACT
As I mention in the video, this is an important part of balancing the relationship
between you and the person whose world you are getting. Without it, you may come
off as a therapist, and end up in more of a “facilitator role” rather than someone you’re
co-exploring a connection with.
The steps are listed on the blog post, as I mentioned, and it’s illustrated with clips from
the Getting Her World Program, so I will only go into them briefly here:
Step 1: Notice What it's like to be with YOURSELF -- what's the flavor? Sensations,
emotions, etc...
Step 2: Notice what it's like to be with THEM -- what's the flavor? Sensations, emotions,
etc...
Step 3: Find the difference between how you feel with YOURSELF, and how you feel with
THEM
Step 4: SHARE with them the impact that they are having on you.
MY
PERSONAL
EXPERIENCE:
I’ve found that the more I share the impact they’re having on me, the talking “about
stuff” level of conversation drops away, and in its place is an “in-the-moment”
exploration -- What am I noticing? What are you noticing? What shows up in the
space of us, together?
GOES
WELL
WITH
OTHER
PRACTICES:
Share Desire (when they’re wondering why you’re asking lots of questions )
DEMONSTRATED
IN
GETTING
HER
WORLD (http://GettingHerWorld.com):
In the Intersubjective Meditation Practice, Garrison and Bodhi (one of our AMP
women) go deeply into offering reflection, sharing impact, and speaking the moment,
facilitated by Decker – an awesome example of these practices. This is an extra bonus
you’ll receive when you purchase Getting Her World.
Other Examples:
• Jennifer segments 5 (4:13), 11 (2:05), 14 (1:40), 21 (0:44)
• Karina segments 3 (2:38), 5 (1:05), 6 (1:35, 2:14), 7 (1:16. 1:32, 2:14), 9
(2:32, 3:33), 10 (0:31), 13 (0:19, 1:05), 14 (1:04), 15 (3:05), 22 (0:44), 23
0:44), 26 (2:15), 27 (2:24), 29 (2:03), 30 (1:34)
• Kendra segments 6 (6:50, 10:11), 8 (2:45), 11 (2:29), 13 (4:26)
Embrace
Resistance
PART
OF
THE
HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION
THE
PRACTICE:
Whenever her closure/protections/resistance/defenses come up, it’s often a sign
that she wants to open up deeper, and is checking to see if it’s really safe to do so.
This protection may show up as testing (jabs, attacks, coldness, defiance, anger,
challenge) – or withdrawal and silence.
So, how to respond to it? Well, first, we recommend that you…
Description:interaction – and note them in Blue. “Intense First (technically not “owning my truth”, but this is just what came .. paraphrase David Deida… For me
