Take Me Home from the Oscars: Arthritis, Television, Fashion, and Me

180 Pages·2011·1.41 MB·English

by  Christine Schwab

take me
HOME
from the
OSCARS
ALSO BY CHRISTINE SCHWAB
A Grown-up Girl’s Guide to Style
Quickstyle (published under the name Christine Kunzelman)
take me
HOME
from the
OSCARS
Arthritis, Television, Fashion, and Me

CHRISTINE SCHWAB
Skyhorse Publishing
Some names and identifying characteristics have been changed. Some sequences and details of events have
been changed.
Copyright © 2011 by Christine Schwab
All Rights Reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher,
except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to
Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.
Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate
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® ® ®
Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. , a Delaware
corporation.
www.skyhorsepublishing.com
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.
ISBN: 978-1-61608-264-2
Printed in the United States of America
DEDICATION
Twenty-one years ago, after seeing four doctors but getting no definite diagnosis,
I was recommended to a “young, cutting-edge rheumatologist at UCLA”—his
name was Kenneth Kalunian. Without hesitation he diagnosed me with
rheumatoid arthritis, even though my tests were not conclusive. He led me
through my medical journey with hope and the best possible care. He never once
gave up on me or my disease. Whatever the problem was, he had an answer, a
solution, a hope for the future. Without him this story would not have been
possible. How do you say thank you to someone who gives you back your life?
Dr. Ken Kalunian, this book is for you and all the people you help with your
incredible medical care and your unwavering dedication to research.
Dr. Ken Kalunian
CONTENTS
1. Nobody Walks Out of the Academy Awards
2. Sneakers to the Rescue
3. Gulping Tylenol
4. No Time for Derailment
5. Rockin’ to the Pointer Sisters
6. Losing Control
7. Playing with Fire
8. Pepperoni Pizza at Cedars
9. Running at Steroid Speed
10. An ET Christmas
11. Stable Until Ready
12. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
13. Oprah, My Best Friend for a Day
14. Rejected for the Rat Cage
15. Just Do It…
16. And the Results Are…
17. The Robo Arm Makeover
18. The Enbrel Honeymoon
19. Nightly and Me
20. Double-Dipping at UCLA
21. This Grown-Up Girl’s Osteo Race
22. A Makeover for Arthritis?
23. The Future
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Foreword
by Deborah Norville
How appropriate that Christine Schwab’s very personal book should reference
the Oscars. If anyone deserves a gold statuette for “Best Actress,” it is she.
For virtually all of the more than twenty years that I have known her, I did not
know she was putting on an award-winning act. Smiling through the pain,
improvising ways to accommodate physical limitations—and all the while
terrified someone would discover her secret.
When she wore sneakers with the laces undone, I figured it was just my oh-
so-stylish fashionista friend once again at the vanguard of style trends. I thought
nothing of the wrap coats. Hands in the pockets during a walking interview on
camera? She’s just cool. I had no idea it was all part of an elaborate ruse
Christine Schwab was orchestrating to keep her disease deeply hidden from
everyone except her immediate family and her doctors.
Incredibly, Christine’s “secret” was not a terminal illness or a highly
contagious disease. It wasn’t connected with promiscuous behavior, illicit drugs,
or over-indulgence of any sort. But as a television commentator whose beat was
fashion, it may as well have been. Christine’s shame was she had RA,
rheumatoid arthritis. Never mind that RA strikes women in their prime, usually
between 30 and 50. Forget the fact that it’s an autoimmune disease that is not
contagious. Most people don’t know and don’t care: they hear arthritis and they
think “useless gnarled old person.” If Christine were to live to be one hundred,
that description could never be applied to her.
I will always remember the day I met Christine. How could I not? It was my
wedding day and there were two radiant women at the reception. One, of course,
was me, the bride—thrilled to have just said “I do” to my best friend and the
man of my dreams. The other was this woman I’d never met—the beautiful
woman who was glowing while we cut the cake. She was the guest of the man
who discovered me when I was in college and gave me my first television
opportunity. I knew when my friend Shelly Schwab asked if he could bring a
date to our wedding, she must have been someone special. You know, the kind of
date who’s got ‘long term potential.’ When I saw them together at the reception,
I immediately thought, “I hope you were listening, because you are definitely