Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle online program

317 Pages·2017·6.77 MB·English

Surviving the Addictive Love
Cycle

A self-help workbook of empowering exercises
and strategies to support you through a
painful break-up, unrequited love and loss
Helen Mia Harris
© 2017 HMH Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, sold, stored in a
retrieval system, or in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher. This is for
your own personal use. For legal reasons we are obliged to state the following:
Disclaimer:
To the fullest extent permitted by law, HMH Publications Ltd is providing this written material, its subsidiary elements
and its contents on an ‘as is’ basis and make no (and expressly disclaim all) representations or warranties of any kind
with respect to this written material or its contents, including, without limitation, advice and recommendations,
warranties or merchantability, and fitness for a particular purpose.
Helen Mia Harris is a registered therapist but offers her insights and advice for guidance only. All dates, place names,
titles and events in this account are factual. However, the names have been changed in order to protect privacy and
respect patient confidentiality.
It is also wise to have face-to-face grief counselling or relationship therapy as this program is by no means the absolute
cure for the acute despair one can experience at this devastating time. If you are experiencing: panic, depression,
sleeplessness, loss of appetite, anxiety or separation distress, it is vital that you also make an appointment with your
local General Practitioner; this can be coupled by seeing a therapist or psychoanalyst in your local area.

Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle Workbook Helen Mia Harris
Table of Contents
Introduction ............................................................................................................... 1
Who Is This Book For? ............................................................................................. 5
Why Do People Become Love Addicted?................................................................. 6
Why I Understand Your Pain .................................................................................. 12
Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? .............................................................................. 14
Regaining Control ................................................................................................... 19
Writing Down the Bones of Your Emotional Experience ...................................... 22
Listening to Silences ............................................................................................... 24
Grieving the Loss of a Loved One .......................................................................... 28
Projection and Fantasy ............................................................................................ 34
Maybe it is about the person we choose? ................................................................ 37
Grieving the Loss of Love ....................................................................................... 42
Moving Through Bowlby's Four Stages of Grief .................................................... 45
The Cycle of Grief ................................................................................................... 55
Healing Guided Visualisation ................................................................................. 59
Exercise 1 ................................................................................................................ 67
The Art of Mindfulness through Words .................................................................. 69
Exercise 2 Part A ..................................................................................................... 71
My Process for Writing ........................................................................................... 73
Exercise 2 Part B – Helen's Example ...................................................................... 75
Exercise 2 Part B ..................................................................................................... 81
Writing Myself Well: Looking Back in Retrospect ................................................ 84
Exercise 3 – Helen's Example ................................................................................. 85
Exercise 3 ................................................................................................................ 87
Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle Workbook Helen Mia Harris
Positive Affirmations .............................................................................................. 89
Healing Through Creative Writing ......................................................................... 93
Exercise 4 ................................................................................................................ 96
What happens when we surrender all that we are to another person? .................... 98
The Unsent Letter .................................................................................................. 100
Exercise 5 Part A ................................................................................................... 103
Exercise 5 Part B ................................................................................................... 109
Exercise 5 Part C ................................................................................................... 111
Reclaiming Myself ................................................................................................ 113
Fierce Attachment and the Fear of Abandonment ................................................ 116
Regaining a Healthy Balance Between the Inner Child and the Adult You ......... 122
The Problem with Logic ........................................................................................ 127
Simple Affirmations for Gaining Control over Love Addiction........................... 129
Building Your Future, Free From Love Addiction ............................................... 138
Exercise 6 .............................................................................................................. 146
The Invisible Woman: What is it I Desire and Want? .......................................... 149
Expanding Your Needs and Wants through Writing ............................................ 152
Exercise 7: Thoughts Flow Like a River ............................................................... 155
The Rubber Band Technique ................................................................................. 160
Exercise 8 .............................................................................................................. 162
Why Can’t the Other Person Give You What You Need and Want? ................... 164
The Importance of Attachment Styles ................................................................... 167
Separation Anxiety, Anxious Attachment and Abandonment .............................. 170
Love Equilibrium Unbalanced – Pursuer vs. Pursued .......................................... 175
Passionate Attraction - The Changing Emotional Cycles between Love Addiction
vs. Love Avoidance ............................................................................................... 177
Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle Workbook Helen Mia Harris
Exercise 9 .............................................................................................................. 181
Five Steps to Changing Patterns ............................................................................ 192
Co-dependency and Narcissistic Fierce Attachments ........................................... 203
How Do You Know When to Leave Someone When They’re Not Emotionally
Good for You? ....................................................................................................... 210
Four Signs That Someone Isn’t Good For You .................................................... 216
Co-dependency – The Heart of Love Addiction ................................................... 218
Guided Visualisation ............................................................................................. 220
Exercise 10 ............................................................................................................ 222
A Guided Journey .................................................................................................. 235
The No Contact Process: “Going Cold Turkey” ................................................... 238
Exercise 11 ............................................................................................................ 253
The Secret Power Word ........................................................................................ 257
Attaining Solitude and Emotional Freedom .......................................................... 261
Three Ways to Defeat Love Withdrawal ............................................................... 262
Visualization: Surviving a Breakup and Reclaiming Solitude and Solace ........... 267
Love and Other Drugs ........................................................................................... 274
Understanding How Our Brain Chemistry and Emotions are Entwined .............. 277
Eight Practical Tips to Help You Break Free ........................................................ 281
Taking Back Your Power ...................................................................................... 292
Finding Self-Empowerment and Reclaiming Your Own Voice ........................... 304
Healing the Wound of Impossible Love ............................................................... 306
Meditation for Healing After Heartbreak .............................................................. 309
REFERENCES ...................................................................................................... 311
Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle online program ........................................... 312

Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle Workbook Helen Mia Harris
Introduction
This workbook and the exercises within it have been created by Helen Mia Harris,
relationship and Love Addiction expert, and are designed to help teach you how to
survive a painful breakup.
It is for those who have, or are currently, experiencing insecurity, powerlessness,
neediness, love and loss, possessiveness, separation, abandonment anxiety, anxious
attachment, lovesickness, unrequited love and rejection. It is for those who are
addicted to love or the euphoric highs that go with the feeling of falling in love, or for
those experiencing grief-like withdrawal as a result of a break up, relationship loss,
divorce, or a relationship that is nearing an end.
While this workbook is not the cure and is not a substitute for all aspects of treatment
and recovery, it offers essential insights, tools, practical exercises and strategies to
help overcome and adjust to the acute discomfort of love withdrawal and
abandonment anxiety.
In this workbook I am going to share with you powerful strategies, exercises and
tools that will help you through the primary stages of overwhelming desolation that is
often felt after a painful breakup from someone you have experienced a deep and
profound love for.
I am a psychotherapist trained in relationship and couples therapy and have
specialised in the area of love addiction, the grief process and bereavement for over
23 years. I owe the development of this recovery program to many couples and
individuals I have seen over the years who have suffered desperately at the hands of
abandonment, love withdrawal, separation, rejection and love addiction.
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Throughout this book I will draw on my own personal experience of love withdrawal
and loss. All of the research in this workbook was born out of the feeling that, when I
was going through this debilitating time in my life, I felt utterly alone, helpless and
isolated. So rather than being diminished and destroyed by this experience, you will
instead be in a position to call upon the knowledge, understanding and practical steps
required to move beyond your grief and loss so you may heal the wound of
abandonment.
This can be achieved by gaining wholeness, individuality and going through the
process of change; making personal contact with the intuitive, the trustworthy,
authentic, courageous, reliable, wise, vulnerable, strong and healing self.
“First comes all the pain and rage
against the wound. Then, with
acceptance of the wound come the
tears of transformation and a natural
healing that can lead to love and
compassion.”
--- Linda Schierse Leonard, The Wounded Woman
An addiction to romantic love is not a “love story”, although it may definitely feel
like it is at the very beginning.
It is a story about powerlessness, longing, rejection, abandonment anxiety, anxious
attachment and an addiction to the feeling of ‘being in love’ which can often
resemble the exact same craving and yearning that a person would experience whilst
being addicted to a drug.
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It’s about unrequited love, unfulfilled dreams, romantic fantasies; a longing to attach
oneself to that one special and unique person who we believe will complete us, as if
we have found our soul mate; the one that imbues our lives with a profound sense of
meaning and purpose.
An addiction to romantic love is about losing ourselves in the beloved; it’s about
obsession, separation anxiety, helplessness, grief, sorrow, loss, and the yearning for
that love to be mutually reciprocated.
In my practice I see how the debilitating effects of love addiction can obliterate all
sense of reality in a split second. For some it can begin with just a glance across a
crowded room or an online encounter.
The love addict can be catapulted in to a dark, insidious and fearful world, one where
he or she can lose all grip of reality and decline into a deeply anxious state where
they begin to experience the most primal of all fears, rejection and abandonment;
spiralling out of control, unable to eat, suffering from panic attacks when the person
of addiction fails to phone or make contact. This is Love Addiction in every sense.
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Stanton Peele the founder of Love Addiction writes in his book: Love and Addiction:
“When a person goes to another with the aim of filling a void in himself, the
relationship quickly becomes the centre of his or her life. It offers him solace
that contrasts sharply with what he finds everywhere else, so he returns to it
more and more, until he needs it to get through each day of his otherwise
stressful and unpleasant existence. When a constant exposure to something is
necessary in order to make life bearable, an addiction has been brought about,
however romantic the trappings. The ever-present danger of withdrawal creates
an ever-present craving.”
--- (Stanton Peele and Archie Brodsky)
“Someone who is dissatisfied with himself or his situation can discover in
such a relationship the most encompassing substitute for self-contentment and
the effort required to attain it.”
--- (Stanton Peele and Archie Brodsky)
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Who Is This Book For?
• Couples (married or not) in a co-dependent relationship (insecure anxious
attachment)
• Individuals experiencing co-dependency, toxic/inflammable love, rejection,
insecurity, lovesickness, abandonment, anxious attachment, possessiveness,
jealousy, heartbreak, obsessive love, etc.
• Those who lose themselves the moment they fall in love or feel an intense
chemistry/attraction to another
• Individuals who feel they can’t leave their partner, and have become trapped in
patterns of behaviour which are damaging and destructive to themselves and
others
• Those who are caught in a painful on/off relationship whereby love seems
impossible, unrequited or not reciprocated
• Those who feel they love too much and experience powerlessness and
heartache
• Those who become most unlike themselves when they desire another person
• Those who experience unfaithfulness, infidelity and dishonesty, yet can’t find
the courage to leave
• Individuals in same sex relationships
• Individuals experiencing narcissistic abuse – who return time and again to
damaging and abusive relationships
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