Stop Arguing with Your Kids: How to Win the Battle of Wills by Making Your Children Feel Heard

241 Pages·2004·0.65 MB·English

by  Michael P. Nichols

Stop Arguing with Your Kids

Stop
Arguing
Your
with
Kids
HOW TO WIN
THE BATTLE OF WILLS
BY MAKING YOUR
CHILDREN FEEL HEARD
Michael P. Nichols
THE GUILFORD PRESS
New York London
© 2004 Michael P.Nichols
Published by The Guilford Press
A Division of Guilford Publications,Inc.
72 Spring Street,New York,NY 10012
www.guilford.com
All rights reserved
The information in this volume is not intended as a substitute for
consultation with healthcare professionals.Each individual’s health
concerns should be evaluated by a qualified professional.
No part of this book may be reproduced,translated,stored in a retrieval
system,or transmitted,in any form or by any means,electronic,
mechanical,photocopying,microfilming,recording,or otherwise,without
written permission from the Publisher.
Printed in the United States of America
This book is printed on acid-free paper.
Last digit is print number: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Nichols,Michael P.
Stop arguing with your kids :how to win the battle of wills by making
your children feel heard / Michael P.Nichols.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN-10:1-59385-003-4 ISBN-13:978-1-59385-003-6 (hardcover)
ISBN-10:1-57230-284-4 ISBN-13:978-1-57230-284-6 (paperback)
1. Parent and child. 2. Child psychology. 3. Communication in the
family. 4. Listening. I. Title.
HQ755.85.N524 2004
646.7′8—dc22
2003025018
Contents
Preface vii
PART I
How Responsive Listening Works
to Eliminate Arguments
1. Taking Charge of Your Children Without a Battle 3
2. The Five Steps of Responsive Listening 17
3. How to Head Off Arguments Before They Start 31
4. How to Inspire Cooperation in Your Children 53
5. Breaking the Cycle of Chronic Arguing 77
PART II
How to Apply Responsive Listening
to Different Age Groups
6. Young Children: Tears and Tantrums 99
7. School-Age Children: “Do I Have To?” 126
8. Teenagers: “You Can’t Tell Me What to Do!” 154
v
vi Contents
PART III
Complications
9. The Changing Dynamics of the Adolescent Family 181
10. When Arguing Seems Unavoidable: How to Use 200
Responsive Listening in the Toughest Situations
Index 221
About the Author 229
Preface
F
ew things are more exasperating to parents than constant arguing
from their children. The “Do I have to?”s and “I don’t wanna!”s that
turn family life into a battleground are familiar to every parent. Debates
over everything from bedtime to chores to homework, TV, the com-
puter, and curfews exhaust our patience and sympathy. In far too many
households, ritual bickering uses up so much emotional energy that
family life becomes something more to be endured than enjoyed.
WhileIdon’tneedtotellyouhowaggravatingarguingcanbe,I’m
notsurewealwaysappreciatehowdestructivethispatternistochildren
and their parents. Arguing undermines parental authority to the point
where children who argue all the time come to see their parents as ad-
versaries rather than figures of strength to guide and support them. All
kids test their parents to see how far they can get, but, believe it or not,
childrenneedtofeelthattheirparentsareincharge.Constantbickering
robs parents of their authority and their children’s respect, and results in
children feeling unappreciated and ashamed of their own initiative.
When your child looks into your eyes and sees a reflection of her-
self, does she see a reasonable person with legitimate feelings and opin-
ions, or does she see a stubborn, argumentative brat? What’s at stake
with chronic arguing is nothing less than your child’s discovering what
part of her feelings are shareable and what falls outside the realm of the
acceptable.
Kids who argue all the time come to feel like a burden. Why not?
That’s how their parents see them, isn’t it?
vii
viii Preface
Fortunately, there is a way to change course. It’s called responsive
listening. Responsive listening is a skill that enables parents to take
charge of conversations with their children, not by laying down the
law, but by shifting from the mindset of an opponent in a struggle for
control to that of someone actively interested in the child’s wishes and
opinions. The point isn’t for parents to give up their authority but to
use it to hear their children out before making what is ultimately a pa-
rental decision.
If you picked up this book because you’re tired of all the argu-
ments around your house, I think you’ll find that responsive listening
can help. You’ll probably be familiar with some of the concepts in this
book, while others may be new to you. One thing I know is that re-
sponsive listening, when it’s done sincerely, can make a big difference
in all of your relationships, not just those with your children.
Responsive listening differs from familiar techniques like “active
listening” in that the goal isn’t merely to reflect feelings or paraphrase
whatyourchildsaysbutrathertodrawyourchildout,tolisten,under-
stand,andacknowledgethechild’sopinionsandwishes.Responsivelis-
tening isn’t a ploy to outwit children by pretending to understand how
theyfeel.It’sawayforparentstolearnsomethingnewaboutwhattheir
children think and feel. When practiced regularly, responsive listening
creates a shift in the parent–child relationship, resulting not only in
fewer battles, but also in children beginning to open up more to their
parents. After explaining the steps of responsive listening, I will show
how to apply this skill in a variety of challenging situations.
You may find that it takes a little practice to make a habit of re-
sponsive listening, but you’ll find it extremely useful when you do.
Once it does become a habit, you’ll discover that responsive listening
does a lot more than cut down on arguments. By helping you tap into
yourchild’sinnerexperience,itwillhaveaprofoundandpositiveeffect
on your relationship. Ask yourself, what percentage of the time do you
feel that relating to your children is a struggle? How often would you
say that your relationship is adversarial rather than cooperative? By
making a conscientious effort to practice responsive listening, you can
change that for the better. Surely that’s worth a little effort, isn’t it?
Thefivestepsofresponsivelisteningarestraightforwardandhighly
effective. The overwhelming response I’ve gotten from parents in
workshops is gratitude for the remarkable changes they’ve been able to
bring about with this approach.
Preface ix
Responsive listening means making an active effort to draw your
children out, to invite and encourage them to talk at length about their
feelings and point of view. When parents I’ve counseled don’t get this,
andsettleinsteadforaperfunctoryacknowledgmentofwhattheythink
their children are feeling, I assume that I haven’t explained it well
enough. Fortunately, in workshops and therapy sessions, I have the op-
portunity to clarify this crucial step. As a result of these conversations, I
hope I’ve been able to do a better job here as a writer in explaining ex-
actly how to apply responsive listening.
Responsive listening will not, of course, put an end to all arguing
fromyourchildren.Youcan’talwayspreventarguments.Butyoucancut
downsubstantiallyonthenumberofargumentsandthedamagetheydo.
AsIexplainlaterinthebook,responsivelisteningcanbeahighlyeffective
toolinundoingthehurtfeelingsfromargumentsevenaftertheyoccur.
Among the topics covered in this book are:
• How to avoid getting caught up in arguments.
• A quiz to determine how argumentative your child is.
• Howtoshort-circuitdebatesaboutchores,bedtime,siblings,who
sits where,homework,TV,and the computer.
• Why children don’t open up to their parents—and what to do
about it.
• How to promote respect for parental authority.
• How to defuse arguments when you’re out in public.
• How to resolve persistent arguments over the same issue.
• How to discipline without getting into an argument.
• Whining.
• Tantrums.
• Howtotailoryourresponsetoyourchild’suniquetemperament.
• A quiz to determine how argumentative you are as a parent.
• Why teenagers find it easier to fight with their parents than to
get on with their lives.
• Silent arguing.
• How to negotiate agreements that work.
• Whyteenagersdon’tsaywhattheymean—andhowtotranslate.
• What to do when children play one parent against the other.
• Howtopredictandpreventtoxicargumentswithyourchildren.