Table Of ContentSing Your Own Song:
A Guide for Single Moms
CYNTHIA ORANGE
HAZELDEN®
“Sing Your Own Songis a refreshing celebration of family and
community. Cynthia Orange proposes practical ways single
moms can take care of themselves as they journey from new
moms to empty nesters.”
David Wilmes, author of Parenting for Prevention
“With tender prose and a thoughtful eye, Cynthia Orange ex-
amines the lives of our greatest warriors: single moms. Sing
Your Own Songis a soulful, unvarnished, and uplifting guide.
Through stories, anecdotes, and well-anchored encourage-
ment, it cleanses away the stigmas and self-doubts of single
motherhood. This is a must-read for any mother, single or other-
wise. Make that any father too.”
—Petr Kotz, editor of Cleveland Scene
“Single mothers not only need each other, they need informed
friends and family who understand this complex and some-
times overwhelming journey. Cynthia Orange’s wise and
witty book helps me be such a friend. I learned a lot reading it.”
—Christina Baldwin, author of Life’s Companion,
Journal Writing As a Spiritual Quest, and Calling
the Circle: The First and Future Culture
“I found myself wanting to sit at the kitchen table with
Cynthia Orange and share my own stories. She’s absolutely
trustworthy, honest, humble, and wise. Thank you for creating
a book that reads like a talk with my grandmother and feels
like a trip to the resource center for single moms.”
—Ann Linnea, single mom and author of Deep Water Passage—
ASpiritual Journey at Midlifeand Teaching Kids to Love the Earth
“Cynthia Orange offers a song for single mothers, with lyrics
that touch the fine range between the practical and the poetic.
With generosity of spirit and no malice toward men, this book
brings fresh breath and range to a subject that, in the past, has
been overpoliticized and underappreciated. Single moms, and
the men who know them, will find solace and illumination in
these pages.”
—Richard Louv, author of The Web of Life:
Weaving the Values That Sustain Us
Sing Your Own Song
AGuide for Single Moms
Cynthia Orange
HAZELDEN®
INFORMATION &EDUCATIONALSERVICES
Hazelden
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176
1-800-328-0094
1-651-213-4590 (Fax)
www.hazelden.org
© 2001 by Cynthia Orange
All rights reserved. Published 2001
Printed in the United States of America
No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner
without the written permission of the publisher
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Orange, Cynthia.
Sing your own song : a guide for single moms / Cynthia Orange.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographic references and index.
ISBN 1-56838-572-2 (pbk.)
1. Single mothers—United States—Psychology. 2. Single mothers—
United States—Life skills guides. 3. Single-parent families—United
States. 4. Self-help techniques—United States. I. Title.
HQ759.915 .O73 2001
646.7’0085’2—dc21 00-065896
05 04 03 02 01 6 5 4 3 2 1
Cover design by David Spohn
Interior design by Elizabeth Cleveland
Typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
The stories excerpted throughout this book are based on actual
experiences, relayed to me through interviews and conversa-
tions or in response to questionnaires distributed to current
and former single mothers, adult children who lived for some
period of time in single mother households, and professionals
who work with single-parent families. They are presented
anonymously to protect the privacy of the people involved.
In some cases, minor details have been changed to ensure
anonymity.
This book is dedicated to
my daughter, Jessica,
my mother, Florence,
and to the memory of my Grandma Reeck
strong women all, who taught me
what it means to be a mother
Contents
Acknowledgments xi
Introduction 1
ONE Redefining Family 7
Creating New Images
Take a Minute:The Metaphorical Family
Family History
Take a Minute:Revisiting History
The Power of Myth
Take a Minute:Inventing New Myths
Combating Stereotypes
Take a Minute:Moving Beyond Stereotypes
Creating a Working Definition of Family
Take a Minute:Defining Family
TWO Creating Community 30
Seeking and Receiving Support
Take a Minute:Listing Your Resources
Redefining Friendship
Take a Minute:Negotiating Healthy Relationships
Creating an Intentional Community
Take a Minute:Building Community
Discovering a Virtual Community
Take a Minute:Visiting a Virtual Community
THREE Of Mentors and Men 51
The Importance of Mentors
Take a Minute:Finding a Mentor for Your Children
Take Another Minute:Finding a Mentor for Yourself
The Importance of Men in Children’s Lives
Take a Minute: Finding Male Role Models
viii Contents
FOUR Mothering Yourself 62
Can You Spell Codependent?
Take Time to Make Time
Take a Minute:Setting Your Own Priorities
Change What You Can Change
Take a Minute:Dialogue with Self
Stress Management
Take a Minute:Mothering Yourself
Learning to Forgive
Embracing Imperfection
Take a Minute:ABlessing a Day
FIVE Raising Resilient Children 94
Experience Makes Us Strong
Take a Minute:Lessons Learned
Parenting from a Position of Strength
Toward Positive Parenting
Mothering Not Smothering:
Establishing Appropriate Boundaries
Take a Minute:Enmeshed or Disengaged?
Parenting as a Practice
Communication Is the Key
Take a Minute: Becoming a Listening Presence
Teachable Moments
Take a Minute:Teachable Moments
SIX The World Out There 125
Earning and Learning
Take a Minute: Preparing a Monthly Budget
Working Outside the Home
It’s Never Too Late to Go Back to School
Sex and the Single Mom
Take a Minute:Developing Your Dating Criteria
Contents ix
SEVEN Send in the Crones 149
Lessons in Letting Go
Take a Minute:Designing a Rite of Passage
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives
Single Grandmothers
Parenting Our Parents
Epilogue: Coming Full Circle 165
Resources and Reading 168
Bibliography 177
Index 183
About the Author 189
