Table Of Content“No one knows better the pain of dealing with adult children who have lost their
way better than the parents of those without boundaries. Sometimes it feels as
though setting these boundaries is more difficult than living with the anxiety,
stress, and heartache, but that’s not so. Allison Bottke, writing through her own
hurt and experience, has compiled a masterpiece of advice. She doesn’t just tell
you or show you how it’s done; she walks along beside you.”
—Eva Marie Everson and Jessica Everson,
authors of Sex, Lies, and the Media and
Sex, Lies, and High School “Lack of boundaries with adult children is a worldwide epidemic with
catastrophic consequences. Allison shares not only her experience as a parent who has traveled this painful
road, but she gives readers concrete tools to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing.
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is destined to be the official resource of hope for countless
parents and grandparents.”
—Heather Gemmen Wilson,
author of Startling Beauty: My Journey
from Rape to Restoration
“Parent! If you’ve tried everything humanly possible to rescue your adult child,
yet you find yourself still drowning in a sea of chaos, calamity, and guilt,
Allison’s book is the lifesaver you’ve been searching for. It’s filled with practical
ways to be set free to get on with your life.”
—Judy Hampton,
author of Ready? Set? Go! How Parents of
Prodigals Can Get On with Their Lives
“Allison Bottke has stepped forward in a courageous, straight-from-the-heart
manner and dealt with an issue that has plagued parents since the dawn of time:
setting (and enforcing) boundaries for rebellious adult children. Having been not
only a parent but a pastor who faced this issue countless times, I am excited to
see that a mother who has wrestled with demons to see her child delivered has
written a heartfelt yet practical book of advice and encouragement that will bless
each and every one who reads it.”
—Kathi Macias,
author of 20 books, including
Mothers of the Bible Speak to Mothers Today
Setting
Boundaries
with Your
Adult
Children
ALLISON BOTTKE
HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS
EUGENE.OREGON
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY
BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV ®. Copyright ©1973,
1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of
Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Verses marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
Verses marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, ©
1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman
Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
Verses marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright ©
1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
This book is not intended to take the place of sound professional advice offered
by a family counselor or therapist. Neither the author nor the publisher assumes
any liability for possible adverse consequences as a result of the information
contained herein.
For privacy reasons, some names in Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
have been changed.
Cover design by Garborg Design Works, Minneapolis, Minnesota SETTING
BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR ADULT CHILDREN
Copyright © 2008 by Allison Gappa Bottke Published by Harvest House
Publishers Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Bottke, Allison.
Setting boundaries with your adult children / Allison Bottke.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-0-7369-2135-0
ISBN-10: 0-7369-2135-4
1. Parents—Religious life. 2. Family—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3.
Parent and adult child—Religious aspects—Christianity. 4. Adult children—
Family relationships. 5. Intergenerational relations—Religious aspects—
Christianity. 6. Empty nesters—Family relationships. I. Title.
BV4529.B675 2008
248.8'45—dc22
2007019417
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic,
mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief
quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Printed in the United States of America 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 / VP-SK /
12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To every parent or grandparent with an aching heart.
“With God all things are possible.”
MATTHEW 19:26
Contents
Acknowledgments
Foreword by Carol Kent
Why I Had to Write This Book
Part One: The Parent as Enabler
1. “But I’m Only Trying to Help”
2. Why We Enable, and Why We Must Stop
3. Get Smart and Take Action!
4. “But Deep Down He’s Really a Good Kid”
5. The Power of Love and Forgiveness
Part Two: The Six Steps to SANITY
6. “S”—STOP Your Own Negative Behavior
7. “A”—ASSEMBLE a Support Group
8. “N”—NIP Excuses in the Bud
9. “I”—IMPLEMENT Rules and Boundaries
10. “T”—TRUST Your Instincts
11. “Y”—YIELD Everything to God
12. Developing an Action Plan
13. Considering the Consequences
14. Other Vital Issues
* When Drugs and/or Alcohol Are Involved
* When Your Child Is Disabled
* When Your Adult Child Is a College Student
* When Little Children Are Involved
* When Blended Families Come Together
Epilogue
Resources
Notes
A Final Note from Allison
About the Author
Other Harvest House books by Allison Bottke…
Other Great Harvest House Reading
Acknowledgments
The longer I live and the longer I write, the more people I have to thank for
making every book come to life. God has blessed me greatly with family,
friends, co-workers, and an amazing publishing team whose encouragement,
support, and love make all the difference in the world. You know who you are—
thank you from the depths of my heart. Yet without readers, it would all be for
naught. Therefore, I wish to extend a heartfelt thank you to readers. It is for you
this book was written. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children was a tough
book to write—a book that was decades in both the living and the writing. It is
my prayer that within its pages you will find hope and healing.
It is also my prayer to share true short stories from parents and grandparents who
have been victorious in breaking free from the cycle of enabling. If you’ve never
heard of our true short-story compilation books God Allows U-Turns and God
Answers Prayers, I encourage you to visit our Web site to find out more about
them. Please consider sharing your inspiring true story with us for a special
collection to help empower parents and grandparents around the world. Visit
www. godallowsuturns.com.
I also want to invite you to stop by our SANITY support-group Web site (visit
www.allisonbottke.com and follow the links or visit www.sanitysupport.com) to
locate sanity support groups in your area or to find out how to start one.
Last but not least, I’d love to hear from you. Please send an e-mail (
AB@AllisonBottke. com) or drop me a letter. I respond to all correspondence if
you’ll give me a little time to get back to you. May God bless and keep you.
Allison Bottke
100 W. Southlake Blvd.
Southlake, TX 76092
www.AllisonBottke.com
www.GodAllowsUturns.com
www.BoomerBabesRock.com
www.SanitySupport.com
Description:This important and compassionate new book from the creator of the successful God Allows U-Turns series will help parents and grandparents of the many adult children who continue to make life painful for their loved ones.Writing from firsthand experience, Allison identifies the lies that kept her, an
