Table Of ContentSelling with Emotional
Intelligence: 5 Skills for
Building Stronger Client
Relationships
Mitch Anthony
Dearborn Trade Publishing
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© 2003 by Mitch Anthony
Published by Dearborn Trade Publishing, a Kaplan Professional Company
All rights reserved. The text of this publication, or any part thereof, may not be
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Printed in the United States of America
03 04 05 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Anthony, Mitch.
Selling with emotional intelligence : 5 skills for building stronger client
relationships / Mitch Anthony.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 0-7931-6128-2 (6(cid:1)9 hc)
1. Selling—Psychological aspects. 2. Emotional intelligence. I. Title.
HF5438.8.P75A58 2003
658.85(cid:2)01(cid:2)9—dc21 2003000917
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DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to my brother and trusted friend, Mark Anthony,
a tested and proven sales professional who opened a golden door of thought
and opportunity in my life. We have yet to see just where this door will lead.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments vi
Introduction vii
1. Introduction to EQ—Five Critical Areas of Awareness 1
2. Moving from Meto We 10
3. Understanding Your Personality DNA 22
4. Critical Mass for Sales Success 34
5. Applied Critical Mass 44
6. Hotheads and Seeing Red 54
7. Six Seconds of Sabotage—From Anger to Danger 62
8. The Viral Spiral of Emotion 71
9. How to Prevent and Contain Negative Outbursts 78
10. Solving the Stress Mess 83
11. Feeling Helpless or Taking Charge 89
12. Redefining Optimism 97
13. Sources of Discouragement 107
14. Finding Motivators That Last 116
15. Winning the Emotional Tugs-of-War—The Power of Positive Intent 126
16. Risking Rejection—Getting Past No 135
17. The Face You See—The Face You Show 145
18. Developing Emotional Radar—The Powers of Observation 154
19. Shifting Gears—Four Critical Selling Adjustments 164
20. The Power of Curiosity—Overcoming the Narcissistic Urge 176
21. Emotional Archeology—Mastering the Art of the Irresistible Question 185
22. It’s Not about You 195
23. The “Likability” Quotient 202
24. Reducing Stress in Confrontation 212
25. Masters in Conflict 221
26. Negotiating Emotion 231
27. Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 242
Bibliography 253
Index 256
v
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
E
very project I undertake starts and ends with thanks to my wife, part-
ner, chief editor, guide, and friend—Debbie. You know what you do. No
words of mine could sufficiently describe your value. You caress each chap-
ter, paragraph, sentence, word, and punctuation mark to assure that your
husband is understood and properly stated.
I wish to thank “the chief,” James Amburgey, for his diligent research
and ability to mine the appropriate quote.
Thanks to my literary agent, Laurie Harper, for always telling the truth.
When she says my idea is worth pursuing, I know that I can believe her.
When she says I am headed down the wrong road, I know I’d better believe
her. Thank you, Laurie, for pointing me to my “own voice.”
Thanks to Don Hull and Mary Good at Dearborn for priming the
pump and convincing me of the necessity of this work. The words you
posted by your computer, Don, spoke volumes to me.
I would like to acknowledge the work of Daniel Goleman who has done
a great service to our world by expanding the definition of what constitutes
intelligence. It is Goleman’s framework that I have attempted to translate
into the realm and language of sales, and I am sure that I could never do jus-
tice to the tremendous insights he has given in his book, Emotional Intelligence.
Finally, I said every work begins and ends with thanks to my wife. So,
Deb, thanks again.
vi
INTRODUCTION
“Only that day dawns to which we are wide awake.”
—HENRY DAVID THOREAU
H
ave you ever met someone who is really smart but really stupid? Of
course you have. Now, ask yourself what they are lacking. Common sense?
People smarts? Relational insight? Can’t see the forest for the trees? The
individual you thought of probably is quite intelligent but lacks in what
author Daniel Goleman calls emotional intelligence.
Goleman’s landmark work demonstrated that emotional intelligence
(EQ) has a far greater weighting on a person’s potential for success (85
percent) than does IQ (15 percent). Those findings turned historical aca-
demic assumptions about success attributes on their head—and went a
long way toward affirming common sense. Success is, in large part, due to
how well we manage emotion.
When reading Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence, in the
mid-1990s, I was struck with the relevance of his insights for those in the
sales profession. I initially developed a sales training program based upon
these principles (the ARROW Program) and consequently, through the en-
couragement of an editor, was sold on the idea of writing this book. I am
convinced that nowhere are the dramas of emotional intelligence played
out more vividly than on the sales stage.
One of the inexorable truths of competition is that when clients have
a choice, they choose the option with the least amount of emotional ex-
haustion and annoyance. The more competitive an environment is, the
more emotional intelligence—or the lack thereof—is brought into sharp
focus. At such times, vendors bringing any degree of emotional annoyance
will be brought face-to-face with their own manners and approaches. That
awareness will come either through personal introspection—or through
their boss’s inspections.
The pleasantness of the purchasing process depends largely upon
our skill of making people feel at ease both with us and the process we
are introducing. Some salespeople have acquired and refined these skills,
vii
viii Introduction
while others seem clueless. Because of the possibility of having clueless
precede us in the selling process, sales professionals must deal constantly
with a degree of “sales baggage” with every client or potential client.
Consequently, when you mention the word sellingor salesperson,you get a
broad range of emotional reactions, the worst of which are feelings of ma-
nipulation resulting from chicanery and hyperbole.
SELLING BY ANY OTHER NAME
Emotional intelligence in selling begins with the recognition that one
must meet emotional agendas beyond the buy-and-sell transaction for a
buyer to be satisfied with the transaction. Our skill level in the field of
human emotions must keep pace with our expertise in our field of com-
merce. The reticence that many clients have about dealing with people
who sell is quite likely from having done business with individuals who ei-
ther did not clearly understand these emotional factors or who understood
their importance but used them exploitatively.
MY AGENDA
When I asked my wife how she felt about the word sellingand the peo-
ple who sell, her answer was instructive. “It depends on how much I want
what they’re selling. If I want it, and they know what they are talking about
and are not pushy, then I like the process and the people selling. But, if I’m
not sure I want it, or they don’t know what they’re talking about, or they are
trying to push something on me, then I don’t like it (or them) at all.”
My wife’s answer reveals critical dynamics that lead to an emotional
connection (or disconnection) between buyer and vendor. Her response
reveals three levels of judgment.
1. Emotional desire.(“If it is what Iwant”)
2. Intelligence. (“If they know what they are talking about”)
3. Emotional approach.(“If they are not pushy”)
This reply is instructive for sales professionals because it reflects a sat-
isfaction filter that clients use when entertaining sales approaches. A client
requires intelligence at three levels: “Do you know me?”, “Do you know
your stuff?”, and “Do you know how to approach me?”
This book will largely deal with the intelligence required to satisfy the
first and last questions. Do you know me? Do you know how to approach
Introduction ix
me? Sandwiched between wanting the facts and the rationale for buying
your product are the emotional agendas that must be met with every client.
These two critical levels of satisfaction cannot be met without emotional in-
telligence. We must master this dynamic of human interaction—known as
emotion—to keep negativity from sabotaging our relationships and our at-
titude toward the work we do.
AWARE OF WHAT?
An engineer, doctor, or accountant can often get by without a high de-
gree of emotional intelligence because of the quantitative or scientific na-
ture of their work. However, the sales professional cannot afford such an
oversight. The sales professional who fails to be aware of emotional dy-
namics will soon be combing the want ads. The sales professional must at-
tempt to be keenly aware at all times. Awareness is the hinge that swings
open the doors of access both to individuals and corporations.
To master emotional challenges, we must possess awareness at many
levels. Not only should our eyes be open, but they must also look in many
directions. The function of the cerebral mind is to criticize, decipher,
judge, negotiate, and control. Awareness, however, is a “big mind” function
that helps us to know, sense, and accept ourselves and others. This mind-
fulness function helps us to receive input from others and respond appro-
priately as well as merge and connect with others smoothly.
Much of what you read in this text could be called “people sense” or
basic emotional intelligence; however, some very intelligent people forget
these basics on a daily basis—and it ends up costing them dearly. No mat-
ter what product, service, or idea you sell, you are in the people business,
and the following people rules apply.
1. You must constantly prove and reprove yourself. People possess varying
degrees of suspicion about sales professionals (and sales processes)
until they see enough evidence to remove that suspicion. It takes
time to prove yourself.
2. People expect you to figure them out. People have specific emotional
agendas that must be met. They want to be understood, and they
want to be approached on their terms. If you don’t take the time to
figure them out, they will go elsewhere.
3. This is not about you. The only reason anyone is talking to you is to
meet their own needs, wants, and wish lists—to get their problems
solved. Don’t allow yourself, in your occasional lapses into self-
