Table Of ContentSelf-Esteem
THIRD EDITION
MATTHEW MCKAY, PH.D.
PATRICK FANNING
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publ isher’s Note
This publ ic at ion is des igned to prov ide acc ur ate and authorit at ive inf orm at ion in reg ard to the
subj ect matt er cove red. It is sold with the und er standi ng that the pub lisher is not eng aged in
ren der ing psy cho logi cal, fi nan cial, le gal, or other pro fes sional serv ices. If ex pert as sis tance or
couns eli ng is needed, the servi ces of a comp e tent prof ess ional should be sought.
Dist ribu ted in Cana da by Rainc oast Books
Copyr ight © 2000 by Matt hew McKay and Patr ick Fann ing
New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions, Inc.
5674 Shatt uck Aven ue
Oakl and, CA 94609
Cover des ign by Amy Shoup
Lib rary of Cong ress Catal og Card Numb er: 99-75293
Paperback
ISBN-13 978-1-57224-198-5
ISBN-10 1-57224-198-5
PDF eBook
ISBN-13 978-1-57224-760-4
All Rights Res erved
Printed in the United States of America
New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions’ Web site ad dress: www.newhar bin ger.com
08 07 06
20 19 18 17 16 15
To my lov ing par ents, Bert and Grace Fan ning —P. F.
In memo ry of my father, George Edward McKay —M. M.
Grate ful acknow ledge ment is made to Eugene B. Sagan, Ph.D.,
who intro duced me to the Patho logi cal Critic and some of the
impor tant tech niques used in this book. —M. M.
Contents
Chap ter 1—The Na ture of Self- Esteem · · · · · · 1
Causes and Ef fects
How To Use This Book
For the Therap ist
Chap ter 2—The Patho logi cal Critic· · · · · · · · 15
An Ar se nal of Shoulds
The Orig in of the Critic
Why You Lis ten to the Critic
The Role of Re in force ment
How the Critic Gets Re in forced
Catch ing Your Critic
Chap ter 3—Dis arm ing the Critic· · · · · · · · · 33
Un mask ing His Pur pose
Talk ing Back
Mak ing Your Critic Use less
Sum mary Chart
Chap ter 4—Ac cu rate Self- Assessment · · · · · · 45
Self- Concept In ven tory
Listi ng Your Weakn esses
List ing Your Strengths
A New Self-D escription
Cele brate Your Strengths
Chap ter 5—Cog ni tive Dis tor tions · · · · · · · · 61
The Dis tor tions
Com bat ing Dis tor tions
Self-Esteem
Chap ter 6—Com pas sion · · · · · · · · · · · · 89
Com pas sion De fined
To ward a Com pas sion ate Mind
The Probl em of Worth
Com pas sion for Oth ers
Ex er cises
Chap ter 7—The Shoulds· · · · · · · · · · · · 107
How Val ues Are Formed
The Tyr anny of the Shoulds
Healthy Ver sus Un healthy Val ues
How Shoulds Aff ect Your Self-E steem
Dis cov er ing Your Shoulds
Chal leng ing and Re vis ing Your Shoulds
Cut ting Off the Should
Atonem ent—When Shoulds Make Sense
Chap ter 8—Han dling Mis takes · · · · · · · · · 133
Re fram ing Mis takes
The Probl em of Aware ness
Rais ing Your Mis take Con scious ness
Chap ter 9—Re spond ing to Criti cism · · · · · · · 147
The Myth of Re al ity
Res pondi ng to Critic ism
Put ting It All To gether
Chap ter 10—Ask ing for What You Want· · · · · · 173
Your Le giti mate Needs
Needs Ver sus Wants
Wants In ven tory
Wants into Words
Whole Mes sages
Chap ter 11—Goal Sett ing and Plan ning · · · · · · 187
What Do You Want?
Se lect ing Goals to Work On: The First Cut
Se lect ing Goals to Work On: The Evalua tion
Maki ng Your Goals Spec ific
Mak ing a Com mit ment
Blocks to Achiev ing Goals
vi
Contents
Chap ter 12—Visu ali za tion · · · · · · · · · · · 209
Why Visu ali za tion Works
Visu ali za tion Ex er cises
Rules for Cre at ing Ef fec tive Self- Esteem Visu ali za tions
Self- Esteem Ses sions
Spe cial Con sid era tions
Chap ter 13—Hyp no sis for Self- Acceptance· · · · · 231
Why Hyp no sis?
What Is Hypn os is?
Ele ments of the Self- Esteem Ind uc tion
Re cord ing Your In duc tion
The Self- Esteem In duc tion
Lis ten ing to Your In duc tion
Chap ter 14—I’M Still Not OK · · · · · · · · · · 247
A Spe cial Vul ner abil ity
Pro tecti ng Against the Pain
Fac ing the Pain
The Opt ion of Ther apy
Chap ter 15—Core Bel iefs · · · · · · · · · · · 265
Iden ti fy ing Core Be liefs
New Core Bel iefs
Chap ter 16—Build ing Self-E steem in Chil dren · · · 279
The Power of Pare nts
Par ents as Mir rors
Look at Your Child
Lis ten ing
The Lang uage of Self- Esteem
Dis ci pline
Auton omy
Mod el ing Self- Esteem
Bib li og ra phy · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · 315
vii
1
The Nature of
Self-Esteem
Self-e steem is essent ial for psyc ho logic al surv ival. It is an emot ional
sine qua non—with out some measu re of self-w orth, life can be
enormously pain ful, with many basic needs going unmet.
One of the main fac tors dif fer en ti at ing humans from other ani -
mals is the awaren ess of self: the abili ty to form an ident ity and then
attach a value to it. In other words, you have the capac ity to define
who you are and then decide if you like that iden tity or not. The
probl em of self- esteem is this human capac ity for judg ment. It’s one
thing to dis like cer tain col ors, noises, shapes, or sen sa tions. But when
you reject parts of yours elf, you greatly dama ge the psyc hol ogi cal
struct ures that lite r ally keep you alive.
Judg ing and reject ing your self causes enor mous pain. And in
the same way that you would favor and pro tect a physi cal wound,
you find your self avoid ing any thing that might aggra vate the pain of
self- rejection in any way. You take fewer social, aca demic, or career
risks. You make it more dif fi cult for your self to meet peop le, inter-
view for a job, or push hard for some thing where you might not
succeed. You limit your abil ity to open your self with othe rs, express
your sexua l ity, be the cen ter of atten tion, hear criti cism, ask for help,
or solve probl ems.
To avoid more judgm ents and self- rejection, you erect bar ri ers
of defense. Per haps you blame and get angry, or bury your self in
perf ec tioni stic work. Or you brag. Or you make excuses. Somet imes
you turn to alco hol or drugs.
