Rewriting the rules: An anti self-help guide to love, sex and relationships

403 Pages·2018·2.37 MB·English

by  Meg-John Barker

Rewriting the Rules
We live in a time of uncertainty about relationships. We search
for The One but find ourselves staying single because nobody
measures up. We long for a happily-ever-after but break-up
after break-up leave us bruised and confused.
Rewriting the Rules: An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and
Relationships is a friendly guide through the complicated – and
often contradictory – advice that’s given about sex and gender,
monogamy and confl ict, break-up and commitment. It asks
questions about the rules of love, such as which do we choose
from all the rules on offer? Do we stick to the old rules we
learnt growing up, or do we try something new and risk being
out on our own? And what about the times when the rules
we love by seem to make things worse, rather than better?
This new edition, updated throughout, considers how the
rules are being ‘rewritten’ in various ways – for example in
monogamish and polyamorous relationships, different ways
of understanding sex and gender, and new ideas for managing
commitment and break-up where economics, communities,
or child-care make complete separation impossible. The book
considers how the rules are being ‘rewritten’ in various ways,
giving you the power to fi nd an approach that best fi ts your
situation.
Dr. Meg-John Barker is the author of popular books including
Queer: A Graphic History , How to Understand Your Gender , Enjoy
Sex (How, When and IF You Want To) , The Psychology of Sex , and
The Secrets of Enduring Love . They bring years of experience
and expertise from therapy, academic research, and working in
communities to the topics of sex, gender, and relationships. You
can read Meg-John’s blog to accompany this book at rewriting-
the-rules.com.

Rewriting the Rules
An Anti Self-Help Guide to
Love, Sex and Relationships
2nd Edition
Meg-John Barker
F irst published 2018
by Routledge
2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN
a nd by Routledge
7 11 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2018 Meg-John Barker
T he right of Meg-John Barker to be identified as author of this
work has been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77
and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
A ll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted
or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic,
mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented,
including photocopying and recording, or in any information
storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from
the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks
or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and
explanation without intent to infringe.
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British
Library
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
A catalog record for this book has been requested
I SBN: 978-1-138-04358-9 (hbk)
I SBN: 978-1-138-04359-6 (pbk)
I SBN: 978-1-315-17306-1 (ebk)
T ypeset in Palatino
b y Apex CoVantage, LLC
This book is dedicated to the
memory of my dear friend,
colleague, and mentor
Trevor Butt

Contents
List of Illustrations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xi
Preface to the second edition: rewriting
rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xiii
1 Rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
Uncertainty and the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2
The rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
An anti self-help book? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19
2 Rewriting the rules of yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .26
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50
3 Rewriting the rules of love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .60
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .68
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .76
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .83
4 Rewriting the rules of sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .85
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .86
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .103
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .112
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119
viii ◆ Contents
5 Rewriting the rules of gender . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .121
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .122
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .128
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .138
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .146
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .156
6 Rewriting the rules of monogamy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .159
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .160
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .167
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .177
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .184
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .195
7 Rewriting the rules of conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .197
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .198
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .205
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .214
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .222
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .232
8 Rewriting the rules of break-up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .233
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .234
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .240
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .248
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .255
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .269
9 Rewriting the rules of commitment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .271
What are the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .272
Why question the rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .278
Alternative rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .286
Beyond rules? Embracing uncertainty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .295
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .309
1 0 Rewriting your rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .311
Why not rewrite your rules? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .313
Self-care and rewriting the rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .324
Contents ◆ ix
Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .332
Further resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .334
Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .337
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .367