Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man

389 Pages·2012·1.31 MB·English

by  Carroll Claudia

Remind Me Again
Why I Need a Man
A Novel
Claudia Carroll
To my great friend Marion O’Dwyer,
who, as we walked down Dawson Street
in Dublin one sunny summer’s
evening, gave this book its title
Contents

Prologue
Right from the off, the first line grabbed my attention. 1
Chapter 1 The Lovely Girls Club 2
Chapter 2 The Pity Party Is Over 15
Chapter 3 Mr. Wrong, the First 32
Chapter 4 Who Says Only Mafia Wives Wear Leather? 44
Chapter 5 Exes Revisited 53
Chapter 6 The Man Who Speaks Amelia 60
Chapter 7 Of All the Gin Joints in All the Towns in All the World… 69
Chapter 8 “Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man?” 76
Chapter 9 The Setup 87
Chapter 10 Exactly How Much Closure Do You Need? 94
Chapter 11 I Don’t Sleep, I Vacuum 101
Chapter 12 There’s Nothing So Tragic, You Can’t Find
Something to Laugh At 115
Chapter 13 Supposing This Is as Good as It Gets… 125
Chapter 14 The One That Got Away 136
Chapter 15 There Is No Oz Without Kansas 143
Chapter 16 The Frenaissance 151
Chapter 17 Me and My Matrix 163
Chapter 18 An Iron Fist in a Velvet Glove… 174
Chapter 19 Mr. Intense 183
Chapter 20 The Cuckoo’s Nest 197
Chapter 21 My Own Personal Tailor-Made Emotional
Pension Plan Man 208
Chapter 22 Let’s Face the Music and Dance 221
Chapter 23 Treasure or Trash? 227
Chapter 24 The Social Event of the Year…Not 235
Chapter 25 When They’re Interested, They’re Interested,
and When They’re Not, They’re Not 249
Chapter 26 My Knight in Flabby Armor 262
Chapter 27 Is This Night Course About as Much Use to
Me as a Chocolate Teapot? 279
Chapter 28 Heaven in Blue Jeans 288
Chapter 29 A Very Twentieth-Century Way of Being Dumped 299
Chapter 30 A Rush of Blood to the Head 311
Chapter 31 Look Back in Languor 321
Chapter 32 Get Down Off Your Crucifix, We Need the Wood 334
Chapter 33 And Then There Were None 343
Chapter 34 Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man… 355
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Other Books by Claudia Carroll
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher

Prologue
FATE IS LATE!
Right from the off, the first line grabbed my attention.
THIS IS YOUR YEAR!
the banner headline on the office notice board ran. But it
was the next bit that made me not so much blush as hot-
fl ush.
YOUR YEAR TO GET MARRIED!!!
I tried my best to act all cool and unconcerned, pretending
to be utterly absorbed in a load of ads for secondhand Fiat
Puntos and neutered cats for adoption.
THIS COURSE WILL CHANGE
YOUR LIFE FOREVER!
SIMPLY APPLY THE PRINCIPLES TAUGHT
AT HARVARD MARKETING SCHOOL TO YOUR
LOVE LIFE AND YOU’LL BE EXCHANGING
“I DO’S” BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT!
I read on. Well, wouldn’t you?
BY REVISITING ALL OF YOUR PAST
RELATIONSHIPS, WE’LL SHOW YOU WHERE
YOU WENT WRONG SO YOU CAN EMBRACE THE
FUTURE AND MOVE FORWARD CONFIDENTLY
2
Claudia Carroll
WITH THE PARTNER OF YOUR DREAMS!
FOR ANY WOMAN OVER THIRTY-FIVE WHO’S
READY TO VAULT TO THE ALTAR, THE SOLUTION
IS SIMPLE. COME TO MY EVENING CLASS, GET ON
MY TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM, AND YOU’LL
HAVE ONE FOOT IN THAT VERA WANG
GOWN BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT!
And that’s pretty much where my story starts. . . .
Chapter 1
The Lovely Girls Club
I work as a deputy producer on a soap opera and often
think that if this job came with a catchphrase, it would be,
quite simply:
“I HATE ACTORS!!!!”
Well . . . I should say more correctly, all actors except my
darling friend Jamie French (and honorary Lovely Girl),
who I’m meeting later on tonight.
At the moment, while resting between acting jobs, Jamie’s
working as a waiter at Nosh, a hip, protein-only celebrity
restaurant in the heart of Dublin’s Temple Bar. Although,
according to him, they only call it a celebrity restaurant
because Enya once had a coffee there. There was also a
rumor that Bono went in once looking for directions, but it
turned out to be just a look-alike. Anyway, it’s Nosh’s fi rst
birthday party tonight, and me and the other Lovely Girls
are all going along. Now, I use the term girls in the loosest