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Really,Really,Really,Really,WeirdStories
Contents©1999byJohnShirley
Cover,coverdesign,andinteriorartwork©1999AlanM. Clark
Interiordesign andcompositionbyJohnTynes
Allrightsreserved. Printedin theUnitedStatesofAmerica. Nopartofthisbookmaybeused
orreporducedinanyformorbyanymeans,orstoredinadatabaseorretrievalsystem,without
priorwritten permission ofthe publisher except in the case ofbriefquotations embodied in
criticalarticlesofreviews.Makingcopies ofanypartofthisbookforanypurpose otherthan
yourovra personal use is aviolation ofUnited States copyright laws. For information, please
contactthepublisher.
Thisbookissoldasis,withoutwarrantyofanykind, eitherexpressorimpHed.Whileevery
precaution hasbeen taken in preparation ofthis book, the author andNightShade Books as-
sume no responsibilityfor errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumned for damages
resulingfrom theuseofinformationorinstructionscontainedwithin.
Thisisaworkoffiction.Thecharactersandeventsportrayedinthisbookarefictitious,and
anyresemblancetoreal peopleoreventsispurelycoincidental.
Thepublisherwouldliketothankthefollowingforindespensiblehelpandsupport.William
K. Shafer,Alan Bcatts,John Pelan,MattJohnson,JohnTynes,JohnShirleyand PaulaGuran.
FirstEdition
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
Limited EditionISBN1-892389-01-0
TradeEditionISBN1-892389-02-9
NightShadeBooks
870EastElCaminoReal #133
MountainView,CA98040
www nightshadebooks com
. .
night@nightshadebooks com
.
Really,
cVVeird
Reall^dl^'
iStories
Really,
John
Shirley
NIGHT SHADE BOOKS
MOUNTAIN
V E VV, C A
1
this book is dedicated
to these really weird people
MickyShirley, IvanStang, PaulMavrides, HarryS. Robins, RudyRucker,
Shikhar, Gene a Texas Fan, Jan My Man in Germany, LadyCro, Marc
Laidlaw, Richard Kadrey, Paula Guran, Mark Ziesing, Tim Powers,
Serena Powers, Art Cover, Steve Brown, Richard Smoley, Michael and
Misha Chocholak, DC Moon, Robert Sheckley, Ed Kramer, Corby
Simpson, Mark Sten, Dona Bolt,Jeff Bolt, Dale van Wormer, Charlene
Zaharakis,Jon Nev^on,Jim Baldwin, Katherine Dunn,Julia Solis,John
Roome, Don Roeser, Eric Bloom, Ted Oliphant, Greg Bishop, Tim
Brigham, and the Reverend Nanzi Regalia.
REALLY WEIRD STORIES
"I WantTo GetMarried," Says the World's Smallest Man! 5
Will the Chill 19
Tapes 12, 14, 15, 22and 23 38
Don't Be Afraid 49
Lot Five, BuildingSeven, DoorTwenty-three 55
Kindred 68
The Word "Random," Deliberately Repeated 69
Voices 76
The Last Ride 78
. . . And the Angel with Television Eyes 92
The Sweet Caress ofMother Nature 108
In the Cornelius Arms 112
Quill Tripstickler, Out the Window 125
I Live in Elizabeth 145
Morons at the Speed ofLight 158
Silent Crickets 166
,
Screens 169
Brittany? Oh: She's inTranslucent Blue 189
Ticket to Heaven 202
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, WEIRD STORIES
Ash 222
Triggering 235
When Enter Came 247
SkeeterJunkie 260
WhatJoy! What Fulfillment! 270
199619971998 277
Preach 289
Preach: PartTwo: The Apocalypse ofThe ReverendJohn Shirley 294
Modern Transmutations ofthe Alchemist 297
Just Like Suzic 3^4
Cold Feet 316
The Peculiar Happiness ofProfessor Cort 319
Tahiti in Terms ofSquares 333
Equilibrium 340
What Cindy Saw 350
The Almost Empty Rooms 3^1
TenThings to be Grateful For 378
The SeaWas Wet As Wet Could Be 387
.
The Author Wants
To Tell You
. .
Thiscollectionisinfoursections. The firstone is REALLYWEIRD STO-
RIES; second one is REALLY, REALLY WEIRD STORIES; third one is
REALLY, REALLY, REALLYWEIRD STORIES; last one is REALLY, RE-
ALLY, REALLY, REALLY WEIRD STORIES. I've tried to arrange the
stories in just thatway—so that the stories in each section are "weirder"
than the ones in the last.
As forwhy
. . .
Theideaforthis collection came to mewhenPaulaGuran said, "Yeah,
I read thatLotFive story. Shirley, thatwas a reallyweird story."
I muttered, "You think thafs weird?" Then I thought: Well, it is but—
it's all relative. I mean, you could stackup stories accordingtoweirdness
ifyou chose to. That wouldn't be any kind of measure of quality, but,
yeah, itwould be really fun to do.
Andsoithasbeen.This collectionisgimmicky,it'sasortofhigh concept
collection, and that doesn'tjustifyits existence. The entertainment element
does, perhaps, butI like to thinkithas more goingforitthan that.
Having said that
. . .
I'm really into this experiment: this journey. How far can we go, and
still take our reference points with us? How far can we go without get-
ting lost—or if we get lost, can we find our way back? Does it matter?
Isn't the point to be aware, to be real, to know who you are, whatever
relative normality or so-called weirdness goes down?
Or is the point just to have one motherfucker of a ride?
You decide ifit's agood ride. Andyou can decide ifI stacked these up
right: if each section is weirder than the last. Let me know what you
think. Weird is obviously relative, and this "stacking" wasn't half so easy
as I thought it'd be. Some stories are in a particular section of relative
weirdness because of the way they're written rather than because of
what happens in them. Not everyone will agree about the comparative
weirdness ofthese stories. Withingiven sections, stories are arranged for
other reasons, having to do with pacing and tone and variety. It should
be noted that this collection is no particular genre; it's several genres.
Manyofthe stories in this book have never been published before-or
in some cases were what I think of as barely published. Some of the
former group were judged—not by me—to be too weird to be pub-
lished . . . till now.
There are a few stories that should, byrights, be in this book butwere
unavailable for contractual reasons. But, for the most part, these are the
weirdest stories I ever wrote; especially, as you might suppose, those in
the last section.
As Iwas compilingthis book, overacouple ofweeks (I had otherstuff
to do too), I was mostly listening to the following music:
Monster Magnet's Powertrip album, Nick Cave'sMurder Ballads, Lou
Reed's boxed set and Live in London, Frank Zappa's Hot Rats, various
things by KingCrimson, various cuts byBauhaus and by PeterMurphy, PJ
Harvey, theband Poe, Iggyand theStooges and Iggy's recentsolo albums,
Hound Dog Taylor,John Lee Hooker, the Oblivion Seekers, Big Mama
Thornton, Frank Sinatra (60s stuff), Cake (my kids made me; I liked it).
We Wm Fall (Iggy tribute CD), Trust/Obey, Patti Smith, Cracker, The
Cramps, Tilt, The Sick, Witchman, Mudhoney, Rolling Stones, Johnny
Cash, and the new Blue Oyster Cult 3lhum—Heaven Forbid.
Have aweird day. Have a really weird day.
John Shirley
For more about the reallyweird author,
you are invited to visit the official
John Shirley Web Site:
http: //www.darkecho.com/JohnShirley
or contact him via email:
darkecho@aol com
.
CO CO CX3
The first time Isaw
the dum dum boys
I was fascinated
Theyjuststood in front
ofthe olddrugstore
I was most impressed
No one else was impressed
Notat all
—Iggy Pop, "Dum Dum Boys'
