Table Of ContentCopyright © 1998, 2008 by Steve Biddulph
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Celestial Arts, an imprint of the Crown
Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com
Celestial Arts and the Celestial Arts colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Photographic permissions: We are grateful to the following people for their assistance in providing
photographs for this book: Paul and Judi Taylor, Narelle Sonter, Jim and Jenny Smith, Elia and
Tony Wallace, Geoff and Chris Price, Glenda Downing, Chris and Tony Collins, Catherine James
and Bruce Stephens, Ella and David Martin, Steve and Shaaron Biddulph, Glenys and Brian
Atack, Steve and Henrietta Miller, Miles and Jane Felstead, Suzanne Jensen and Ral Lewis,
Wendy Pettit and Currembeena School, Robert and Sue Holloway, Dave Hancock, and Tony
James.
Acknowledgments: The Author gratefully acknowledges the permission of the following for the
right to reproduce copyright material in this publication: “What Fathers Do,” by Jack Kammer, is
reprinted from Full Time Dads, May/June 1995, with the permission of the author. The segment
of the article, “Mid School Crisis,” by Jane Figgis, is reproduced with the permission of the
Sydney Morning Herald.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Biddulph, Steve.
Raising boys : why boys are different—and how to help them become happy and well-balanced
men / Steve Biddulph; illustrations by Paul Stanish.—2nd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
Summary: “A guide to the stages and issues in boys’ development from birth to manhood”—
Provided by publisher.
1. Boys—United States—Life skills guides. 2. Boys—United
States—Conduct of life. 3. Parenting—United States. 4. Mothers and sons—United States. 5.
Fathers and sons—United States. I. Title.
HQ775.B53 2008
649′.132—dc22
2008014224
2008014224
eISBN: 978-0-30783404-1
Interior illustrations by Paul Stanish
v3.1_r2
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
P S E
REFACE TO THE ECOND DITION
1 What Is It with Boys?
2 The Three Stages of Boyhood
3 Testosterone!
4 How Boys’ and Girls’ Brains Differ
5 What Dads Can Do
6 Mothers and Sons
7 Developing a Healthy Sexuality
8 A Revolution in Schooling
9 Boys and Sports
10 A Community Challenge
A A: Some Notes on ADHD in Boys
PPENDIX
A B: How to Tell if a School Is a Good One for Boys
PPENDIX
A
CKNOWLEDGMENTS
N
OTES
Preface to the Second Edition
Ten years ago, boys were often seen as a problem. Too noisy, too
energetic, slow learners, poor communicators, a danger to everyone, and
then they turn into—men! But those of us who worked with parents and
their boys—or had boys of our own and loved them dearly—knew this
wasn’t right. Important truths needed to be rediscovered. Boys were
different, in important ways. New research was telling us some
remarkable things about boys’ brains and bodies. And by understanding
their psychology, their stages and development, their hormones and
hard-wired natures, we could raise them to be fine young men: safe,
caring, passionate, and purposeful.
The first edition of this book took off around the globe like wildfire. In
Australia, New Zealand, the UK, Germany, Brazil, and Japan, it was a
best seller, but more than that, it was beloved. It was kept on bedside
tables, dog-eared and much visited. People urged their friends to read it.
Women nudged their husbands in bed and said, “Listen to this …”
Boys have real dangers in their lives. They are three times more likely
to die before the age of twenty-one, and five times more likely to have
problems at school. Millions of boys have poor life chances because we
have failed to understand and love them.
But with the new realization of boys’ needs—for exercise, for warm
and firm relationships with mothers, for fathers and other good men in
their lives to be active and engaged, for schools that know how to teach
in boy-friendly ways—we can save them still. We can raise a generation
of boys that are happier, more alive, more connected to the human race,
just in time for a world that so badly needs good men.
Boys are fun. They make you laugh. They are full of life and can share
that energy with you. They also touch your heart; they are deeply
feeling. So we have tried to put all those qualities into this book as well.
Whether your son is a tiny baby, a schoolboy, or a teenager surging with
hormones and hopes, this book has something for you. I wish you much
joy.
Steve Biddulph
1
WHAT IS IT WITH BOYS?
Last night, I drove into town for a meeting, or at least tried to, and the
situation with young men was once again thrust into my face. Three cars
ahead of me, the highway was blocked. A sedan, driven by a seventeen-
year-old boy with four friends in the car, had attempted to pull out into
traffic but miscalculated. A truck coming up behind had hit the car and
carried it fifty yards along the road, badly crushing the vehicle in the
impact. Soon, the emergency vehicles arrived: fire, rescue, police,
ambulance. Men worked in teams, calmly but rapidly dealing with the
situation.
The young driver, unconscious, was gradually cut out of the wreck.
His four male passengers had varying injuries, some serious. An older
woman, perhaps the mother of one of the boys, came running from a
nearby farm. A policeman gently comforted her.
Maleness was everywhere—inexperience and risk on the one side;
competence, caring, and steadiness on the other.
It kind of summed up for me the male situation. Men, when they turn
out well, are wonderful—selfless, heroic, hardworking. But being young
and male is a condition so vulnerable, so prone to disaster. When we see
a boy born these days, we can’t help wondering—how will he turn out?
Boys at Risk
Thirty years ago, it was girls everyone worried about. Across the world,
a huge and spirited effort was mounted to raise the horizons of girls, to
give them confidence that they could do anything they wanted with
their lives, and to demolish the barriers to their achievement. And it’s
working; today, it’s the girls who are more sure of themselves,
motivated, and capable. More girls than boys finish school, more girls go
on to college, and they get better grades than boys.
Parents of daughters find that they are focused and clear-headed, and
know where they are going. Boys, in comparison, often don’t have a
clue. They seem to be adrift in life; failing at school; awkward in
relationships; at risk for violence, alcohol, and drugs.
The differences start early—visit any preschool and see for yourself.
The girls work together happily; the boys gallop and whoop around.
They annoy the girls and fight with each other. In elementary school, the
boys are easily distracted and often struggle to keep up. Teachers spend
all their time subduing the boys, and the girls miss out on attention. By
the time they reach third grade, most boys don’t read books any more.
Many speak in one-word sentences: “Huh?” “Awwww-yeaaah!” In high
school they don’t participate in debating, concerts, student councils, or
any nonsports activity. They pretend not to care about anything.
In the relationships department, teenage boys are quite unsure about
girls and how to get along with them. Some become painfully shy; others
are aggressive and unpleasant. They seem to lack even the most basic
conversation skills.
And the bottom line, the thing that puts a knot in our stomachs as
parents, is of course safety. Between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five,
boys are three times more likely than girls to die, usually from accidents,
violence, and suicide. Three times more likely to die! And for every boy
who dies on the road, ten more are left brain damaged or wheelchair
bound, the hidden casualties. Every parent of a son feels that fear when
their teenage son goes out with his friends—will he come home safe and
sound?
The Good News
That’s enough of the bad news. What we all want is young men who are
happy, creative, confident, safe, thoughtful, and kind. That’s all! We
want our boys to turn into fine young men who will be part of the
solutions of the twenty-first century. And in the meantime, we need
them to do the dishes and tidy their rooms!
In the last ten years, a huge amount has been learned about the true
nature of boys—information that may surprise and delight you. We think
this book will be a great relief for you to read. For thirty years it was
fashionable to say that boys and girls were really just the same. But as
parents and teachers kept telling us, this approach wasn’t working. Vast
amounts of new brain research is confirming parents’ intuitions about
boys being different in positive ways. We are beginning to understand
how to appreciate their masculinity—in whatever form it takes—and
shape it into something good—not just squash it down.
In this book we will look at many breakthrough areas of
understanding boys. In chapter 2 we’ll explain their three distinct stages of
development:
• Birth to six—the learning to love years
• Six to fourteen—the time when fathers count most
• Fourteen to adult—when boys need mentors and adults who care, in
addition to their parents
By knowing these stages you will be prepared and more relaxed about
what is coming next and how to deal with it in your son’s life.
