Table Of ContentPrepare to be tortured - The price
you will pay for dating a narcissist
Synopsis
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION 6
CHAPTER 1 9
CHAPTER 2 20
CHAPTER 3. The Discard Phase- I'm bored!! 37
CHAPTER 4. Time to be tortured. 61
CHAPTER 5 Narcissists and Attention. 99
CHAPTER 6 Narcissists and control 110
CHAPTER 7 Narcissists as friends 117
Chapter 8 How could I have been so stupid? 128
Chapter 9- NARCISSISTS AND AGEING 141
CHAPTER 11 - CAN NARCISSISTS BE OUT-NARCISSISED? 152
CHAPTER 12 NARCISSISTS AND SOCIAL MEDIA 161
PHOTOGRAPHS 163
POSTINGS 166
FRIENDS 167
CHAPTER 13- DATING A NARCISSIST- FROM START TO FINISH IN
50 STEPS 170 CHAPTER 14- THENARCISSIST AND MONEY 176
CHAPTER 15. RECOVERING FROM A NARCISSIST 185
Chapter 1. The Idealisation phase. [Yes yes, I know, but this time it really
does feel different]
Chapter 2. The Devaluation phase [the testing period]
Chapter 3. The Discard phase [they are now bored]
Chapter 4. Let the torture commence.
Chapter 5. The narcissist and attention.
Chapter 6. Narcissist and control.
Chapter 7. Narcissists as friends
Chapter 8. How could I have been so stupid?
Chapter 9. Narcissists and ageing.
Chapter 10. The narcissist in your workplace.
Chapter 11. Are narcissists ever out-narcissized?
Chapter 12. Narcissist and social media.
Chapter 13. Dating a narcissist- from start to finish in 50 steps.
Chapter 14. Narcissists and money.
Chapter 15. Recovering from a narcissist. Chapter 16. Humorous anecdotes.
INTRODUCTION
We are all familiar with the story of Narcissus, who falls in love with his
own reflection in a pool, and wastes away because he cannot leave it.....
This is a book about narcissists- the clinical term applied to the kind of
vain, selfish, egotistical behaviors they displayed, and which gave them the
name.
Narcissists are always bad news.
You already know a few. Unfortunately, narcissism is on the rise, so, that
number may increase.
If they are just friends, they cannot be relied upon and will give you no
emotional support.
If they are relatives, you already know how unreliable they are, and how
they are never there for you.
If you are unfortunate enough to be having or have had, an emotional
romantic relationship with a narcissist, you will always be frightened by the
experience.
The purpose of this book is to explain how narcissists operate and hopefully
give you some tools to escape their clutches.
I know whereof I speak. Some of my closest relatives are narcissists. This
left me thinking that their behaviour was normal, which in turn made me
drawn to women who exhibited narcissistic characteristics, thinking all
women were like that.
This led to frustration and unhappiness. Eventually, I did a degree in
clinical psychology, and the penny dropped. This behaviour is NOT normal.
Not all women are narcissists, but they were targeting me, partly because I
was a nice guy, but mainly because I somehow gave off signals that I would
tolerate this behaviour.
I have been terribly scarred by these experiences, but, finally, I have come
to realise, by dint of study, experience, and talking to friends who have had
similar experiences, that all narcissists follow a pattern. You will not be able
to avoid narcissists, they live among us and look normal, and sometimes
they will target you. But if you understand the pattern of their behaviour,
you can deal with it.
It will not be easy, and you will still be hurt. But you will survive, and be a
stronger person, which in turn means you are less likely to attract them
(they hate strength).
I wish you luck.
CHAPTER 1
There are some dates to look forward to, and there are others to get really
excited about. This one is definitely in the camp of the latter. One of that
one in a million moments when, half an hour into the conversation, you are
already planning your wardrobe in anticipation of being asked out, and by
the time the canapes are on their last legs, he duly obliges.
'So, tell me, would you be free for dinner sometime?'
Er, is the Pope a Catholic? 'Yes, why not?' you reply, trying to play it low-
key, but no doubt failing miserably.
'When did you have in mind?'
Not what you expected from yet another cocktail party invitation,
grudgingly accepted. But what's not to like about a man who makes that
kind of the first impression?
Self-confident, assured, interesting, my god, what a refreshing change from
tolerating yet another one of the world´s one hundred most predictable chat-
up lines. You feel challenged, engaged, alive.
Not that you are desperate, far from it, still turning heads. But being the
wrong side of 40, maintenance and upkeep take that bit longer. And, let's
face it, Mother Nature and gravity will soon take their toll; caught up in that
grey area between still having time on your side but somehow birthdays
come around quicker than they used to.
There is an exchange of telephone numbers before the parting of the ways,
and mutual rapport quickly ensues. Even your teenage daughter notices the
new spring in your step when the phone rings every night at bang on nine
o'clock.
You are eager to spread the good news, and start telling friends about this
amazing new man. They urge caution, you do have a form for diving in
headfirst...but hey, what's to lose, nothing ventured and all that, and the first
date is set for one of the city's more fashionable restaurants.
You are first to arrive; he follows shortly after in his rather plush 7 Series
BMW. He seems like a man of stature. His profession is still unknown, but
as he said at the cocktail party
'In many people’s eyes I'm a success, but for me it's just a means to an end,
money certainly isn't everything'
Certainly different from the majority, whose job titles are part and parcel of
their predictable chat-up repertoire.
The meal goes as planned. Well, you knew it would from the minute he
pulled out your chair. Good old fashioned manners -always tick more than
one box. The conversation seems effortless, with no nervous pauses. He is
open and frank about past mistakes without coming across as bitter (some
men seem to have a nasty habit of not being able to move on with their
lives). You laugh about shared trials and tribulations, and, before you know
it, you are at the coffee stage. Heavens, when was the last time that
happened? The evening over, he walks you to your car, ever the gentleman.
With the next date in the bag for tomorrow night, the evening ends with a
gentle kiss on the lips, and time to inhale his intoxicating aftershave.
A twenty-minute drive home and you are praying all the lights will be at the
green, as the euphoria just has to be shared with two of your closest friends.
Understandably, they are delighted- that is, when they manage to get a word
in edgeways. 'Just go easy' they say- a piece of advice you find mildly
irritating, but you're a people-pleaser and you (and they) know you've been
hurt by this in the past. But nothing can spoil your mood. Tonight there was
definitely something there- chemistry, a connection, call it what you like, it
just felt different, one of those rarities when you feel you've known
someone forever. What was it your mother said at one of the last heart-to-
hearts- 'It'll happen when you least expect it.'
Looks like, for once, your mother may have been right.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your foot has just been placed on the first
rung of the narcissism ladder. Tonight, you will sleep like a baby. This will
continue for the first few months. But longer-term, you may find yourself
counting rather a lot of sheep.
This is the bit consummate narcissists do so well- it is the art of the great
first impression. Like any other master craftsman, this skill has been honed
and perfected over the years. It is no coincidence that so many narcissists
work in media, sales, and marketing. In these industries, image is
everything, and they develop the tools to sell themselves very effectively.
They are usually well-groomed, smell nice, and drive nice cars. Throw in
some charm, and a healthy dose of charisma, and hey presto, you have a
great catch. So much so, you can't believe your luck, but more on that later.
But its early days, and at this point, even the most ardent narcissist-spotter
can be fooled. They walk amongst us and look the same...
You are like a whirling dervish when you get into the office next morning
'Hey, what's with you, have you won the Lottery?'
'No, no, just in a good mood. How are we all this morning?'
By the coffee machine, your glow has not gone unnoticed. 'Looks like
someone had a good night last night, lucky bugger...'
You leave the mobile phone on your desk, and before long he duly obliges.
'Are you free for lunch? XXXX'
Sure you are, it's safe to say by lunchtime you could be ravenous in more
ways than one.
So, the half-hour lunch extends to an hour, but it still feels like fifteen
minutes. Why does time just seem to fly by with this guy?
The time is already arranged for the date tonight- and it's a foregone
conclusion what's in store after the meal- maybe not a lot of chat, but by
god, a whole lot of fun.
And so it continues. The first week is a whirlwind, the second a dream.
Before you know it, a month has passed in the blink of an eye. Just being in
his presence is beginning to make you feel differently about yourself. He
has a certain aura and charm, and somehow he makes you feel good about
yourself, putting things in perspective when life feels chaotic. Everyone
approves; your daughter thinks he's quite dishy for a man of his age, and
your friends say you make a great couple. His height and grooming make
him stand out, and you are only too aware of the admiring glances he can
attract from other female diners. But judging by his attentions so far, you
are confident his eyes are fixed firmly on you.
Two months later you have your first weekend away- a country manor, no
less. He definitely has a romantic streak- there are flowers in the suite when
you arrive. When has that ever happened before??
It's been decided this will be a 'tell-all, no holds barred, no stone left
unturned' type of weekend.
Your own story is relatively straightforward - one failed marriage, teenage
daughter (he has bolstered his approval rating with her by promising her
driving lessons), relatively secure job, ten years left on the mortgage, and
the odd pension deficit to correct.
His is a tad more complicated. Two ex-wives (you are sure he mentioned
only one). (He did just mention one. But he has just tested you. If you let
him away with this, it confirms that he has the upper hand).
The first wife left him for another man when they were only in their
twenties. This is a classic case of people marrying too young, nothing
abnormal about that. The second, if you accept his account, comes across as
a nastier piece of work with various issues, her frittering away of their cash
being one of them. Continual arguments over her reckless spending and
flawed temperament meant the marriage was on the slippery slope for
years. And they have three kids to maintain between the pair of them. Two
divorces, alongside ongoing child maintenance, place a hefty financial
burden on him. (Interestingly, narcissists invariably come to a relationship
with a) an unfortunate relationship history, where the previous wife/partner
was a bitch from hell and b) no money, because of a). (Again, a test, and if
you fail, you are his).
But he assures you that as he is an offshore financial consultant (you are not
even sure what that means, but it sounds important), he can cope. On top of
this, there's been another child from a relationship outside the second
marriage. He admits this was a moment of madness, but it came at a time in
his life when he just needed companionship. He has no contact with the
woman now, other than meeting his financial obligations.
At the back of your mind, you are sure he's only ever mentioned three kids,
not four, but it's a fleeting thought, quickly forgotten.
(Another test. If you'd been sensible, you'd have cracked up and made this a
deal-breaker. You didn't, so you must be vulnerable).
The weekend seems to have drawn you even closer. Lazy mornings in bed
long walks in the countryside, romantic meals, passionate lovemaking that
seems to last all night. You cannot help but fall for this man. He's been
entirely open and frank enough to admit his failings, even though he's been
sketchy about the financials. Maybe that's just management consultants for
you. You feel as if there is a natural empathy between you that has always
been eluded. If there is such a thing as a soulmate, he comes remarkably
close.
Returning home, things only intensify. You both acknowledge your
feelings, and being in a relationship brings security and peace of mind. Your
friends comment on how well you look, and your daughter ribs you about
the way you sparkle when he comes up with the drive. You hit the gym with
a vengeance- if he can look good, you'll damn well make sure you do too.
This man is a keeper.
Another weekend away is suggested, and you jump at it. He is going to take
you on that trip to Paris he has been promising, at one of the city's finest
hotels no less. You are beyond excited, and buy special clothes and sexy
underwear for the occasion.
It doesn't work out quite as expected- instead of the Ritz, you have to settle
for a three-star down a backstreet, well outside the city centre....but he
explains it is all his secretary's fault, he left the booking to her, he was so
busy....and he flatters your new wardrobe so well and so much you soon
forget that little gripe.
Things finally begin to settle down. You are still trying to spend as much
time together as possible, but he has commitments...
He's not just your soulmate, he's your rock. Sure, he's not perfect. There
was that embarrassing incident at the restaurant when his credit card was
refused. He did seem to berate the waiter a bit more than was necessary, and
at times he can be a bit aggressive with the driving....but with so much on
his plate, is it any surprise? Sometimes you think he may be a bit too eager
to please, but you can put that down to the extent of his love. And he is a bit
prone to exaggeration now and again, but you are sure this will self-correct.
There's been the odd little tiff, but these have always been resolved by
applying the mantra of your parents' 50-year marriage- never let the sun go
down on an argument. You are easy-going and like to please (I am afraid
being a people pleaser will come back to haunt you later), qualities that
make you the kind of partner he deserves to live with. This is a subject
broached on several occasions. He says it is something to consider, it makes
financial as well as emotional sense. You admit you are tempted. Your
daughter is less so, your friends even less. They say it's all a bit too soon,
but you can tell he's keen. His house is certainly big enough if a bit spartan.
'Maybe it could do with the feminine touch' he suggests.
Who could have foreseen all this in the space of a few months? You are in
love and utterly besotted by one of the most gorgeous guys you have ever
clapped eyes on.....
Did you ever see this coming?
Let me ask that question again- did you see this coming? Did you ever feel
you were being lured into a spider's web, slowly but surely coerced into a
trap with no exit? Doesn't feel like that does, it?
It never does, I'm afraid. You don’t know yet that the trap has been sprung,
but you soon will, to your great emotional cost.
