Table Of ContentYou know pregnancy
Pregnancy
sucks when . . .
A complete
update of
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That “glowing skin” everyone promised you
looks remarkably similar to the hormonal acne P 2nd Edition
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The lady at the grocery store remarks “it must be any day
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now!” when you haven’t finished your second trimester
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You debut the perfect name for your baby—which
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your mother-in-law immediately describes as “interesting”
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(complete with a wrinkled nose)
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There’s no doubt about it: Pregnancy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. In this y
complete update of the bestselling first edition, Joanne Kimes pairs no-
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holds-barred humor with helpful advice to get you through the next
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nine months with (some level of) your sanity intact.
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So whether you’re looking for the scoop on hypnobirthing, you want
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to know a cure for your hemorrhoids, or you really just want a laugh
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(even if you might pee in your maternity leggings), Pregnancy Sucks, 2nd What to Do
2
Edition will tell you exactly what to do when that miracle of yours is n
making you totally, completely, gestationally miserable. d E A complete
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itio update of When Your
Joanne Kimes is the creator of the bestselling Sucks series. A former writer for n the bestseller
a number of children’s and comedy television shows, she has appeared on The
Today Show and her books have been covered in countless media outlets. that keeps on
Miracle Makes
Joanne, her husband, and their daughter live in Los Angeles, California. K
im delivering!
Leslie Young, MD has been practicing pediatrics for more than a decade. He es
graduated from medical school with top honors and trained at UCLA Medical w
Center. He is currently working at Kaiser Permanente in Southern California ith
and lives with his wife and son in Laguna Beach, California. Y You Miserable
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$13.95 (CAN $14.50) Parenting D
ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-2677-0
ISBN-10: 1-4405-2677-X
Joanne Kimes
with Leslie Young, MD
Cover design by Sylvia McArdle
Cover image ©Veer.com www.adamsmedia.com
Pregnancy Sucks
2nd Edition
What to Do When Your Miracle
Makes You Miserable
Joanne Kimes
with Leslie Young, MD
Avon, Massachusetts
Copyright © 2011, 2004 by Joanne Kimes.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 10: 1-4405-2677-X
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2677-0
eISBN 10: 1-4405-2797-0
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2797-5
Printed in the United States of America.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with
regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the pub-
lisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If
legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent profes-
sional person should be sought.
—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their
product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book
and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been
printed with initial capital letters.
This book is intended as general information only, and should not be used to diag-
nose or treat any health condition. In light of the complex, individual, and spe-
cific nature of health problems, this book is not intended to replace professional
medical advice. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this book are intended to
supplement, not replace, the advice of a trained medical professional. Consult your
physician before adopting any of the suggestions in this book, as well as about any
condition that may require diagnosis or medical attention. The author and publisher
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dedication
I dedicate this book, and my life, to my precious daughter
Emily. I love you more than shoes.
contents
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xi
Introduction
A Book Is Born . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xiii
Prelude: A Little Bit Pregnant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xvii
Chapter One
The First Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
Choosing an OB ................... ................2
The No-No List....................................5
Sore Boobs........................................8
Morning, Noon, and Night Sickness ................... 11
Gas!............................................16
Resentment Toward Your Hubby (or Ferret) .............18
Tests, Tests, and More Tests..........................20
Dreams and Other Nightmares ........ ............... 21
To Tell or Not to Tell...............................22
Pregnancy Math ................... ........... ....25
How to Eat for Two................................27
Chapter Two
The Second Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman with Child........ ....32
Your Superhero Nose...............................34
v
vi pregnancy sucks
Pregnancy Junkie ....... ..........................35
Spotting . .......................................37
I Need to Lie Down................................39
Oh My Achin’ Head ...............................40
“Urine” for Fun ................................... 41
Miscarriage ......................................42
Sex During the First Trimester .......................45
Chapter Three
The Third Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
I Can’t Breathe!...................................48
Is My Baby Okay in There?..........................50
Here I Grow Again ................................ 51
A New Wardrobe..................................53
The Name Game..................................56
Your Newfound Celebrity ...........................58
Drooling ......................... ...............59
My Bloody Nose .................................. 61
Beware of Your Nipples.............................62
Genetic Testing...................................65
Chapter Four
The Fourth Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
Hyperemesis .....................................70
Sex During the Second Trimester......................72
The Ultrasound...................................74
I’m Scared! ......................................77
Vaginal Discharge .. ...............................79
Toilet Troubles ................................... 81
Bloody Gums ..................... ...............84
Boy or Girl? ...................... ...............85
Chapter Five
The Fifth Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
Pains under Your Uterus ............. ........... ....88
contents vii
Your Cheesy Belly .................................90
You’re So Vein....................................92
Who Asked You?..................................94
Third Nipples and Other Gross Things.................96
That’s a Hormone of a Different Color..................99
Backaches ........................ ........... ... 101
Sciatica ........................................102
Chapter Six
The Sixth Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
Hair, There and Everywhere ..................... ...106
Leg Cramps.....................................108
Belly Touching ..................................109
An Itchy Stomach .. ..............................110
Incompetent Cervix............................... 111
What, Me Exercise?...............................112
Oops, There She Goes!.............................115
Pains in the Tuchus...............................118
Chapter Seven
The Seventh Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123
Swelling Ain’t Swell ..... .........................124
Temporary Insanity ...............................126
Sex During the Third Trimester .....................127
Toxemia: The Pressure Is On........................129
Third-Trimester Bleeding .......................... 131
Braxton Hicks...................................134
I Can’t Sleep ....................................136
Gestational Diabetes ..............................138
Bed Rest ......................... ........... ...140
Chapter Eight
The Eighth Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145
Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot.............................146
Yeast Infections .... ..............................148
viii pregnancy sucks
Stretched to Extremes .............................149
Heartburn...................................... 151
“Urine” for Even More Fun..........................154
Incontinence: A Condition That’s Sure to Piss You Off ....155
Numb and Number...............................157
Stop That Kicking!...............................159
How the Hell Is This Thing Coming Out? ............. 161
Don’t Breech to Me...............................164
Birth Plan......................................165
Chapter Nine
The Ninth Month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171
Baby Shower 101.................................172
Nesting Instinct .................................177
Birthing Classes..................................179
Nursing Bras....................................182
Decorating the Baby’s Room........................184
Taking a Tour of the Hospital .......................186
Am I in Labor? .... ..............................188
False Labor .....................................190
How to Start Labor ............................... 191
Chapter Ten
Let the Bloody Show Begin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195
Inducing .... ................................ ...197
“Lookie Loos”....................................200
How to Breathe Through a Contraction................202
Gimme Drugs...................................205
How to Push with a Passion ........................208
Episiotomy: Let ’er Rip ............................ 211
The “C” Word...................................212
Bonding ......................... ..............215
What to Do When Nature Calls ................. ....216
Lochia: Who Knew? ................ ..............220
Got Colostrum?.................................. 221
contents ix
Chapter Eleven
Home, Bittersweet Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Baby Blues ............ .........................227
How to Deal with Visitors..........................230
Better Sleep for You and Your Baby...................232
Baby Hygiene ..................... ........... ...234
Sex after the Last Trimester.........................236
Sleep Deprivation ................................239
Muscle Soreness..................................243
Reconcilable Differences ............. ..............245
How to Deal with a Crying Baby.....................247
The Basics......................................249
About the Third Month............................250
Appendix
Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .261
