Table Of ContentPEOPLE
SKILLS
How to Assert Yourself,
Listen to Others,
and Resolve Conflicts
Robert Bolton, Ph.D.
A TOUCHSTONE BOOK
PUBLISHED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER
NEW YORK LONDON TORONTO SYDNEY
Copyright © 1979 by Simon & Schuster, Inc.
All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any
form
First Touchstone Edition, 1986
Published by Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Published by Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Rockefeller Center 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, New York 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
Originally published by Prentice-Hall, Inc.
TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster,
Inc.
Designed by Eric Newman
Manufactured in the United States of America
50 49 48 47 46 45 44 43 42 41 Pbk.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Bolton, Robert.
People skills.
(A Touchstone book)
Reprint. Originally published: Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, © 1979. (A
Spectrum book)
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Interpersonal relations.
2. Interpersonal communication.
I. Title.
HM132.B65 1986 302.3′4 86-6737
ISBN 0-671-62248-X Pbk.
ISBN 978-0671-62248-0
eISBN 978-1439-18834-7
TO DOT
My best friend,
closest companion, fun playmate.
Enabler of my various selves,
nurturer of my dreams. Marvelous wife—
sensitive, loving, and genuine
with me, our children, parents, and friends.
Effective in tasks that sustain our common life—
colleague, teacher, partner. I love it that when I am with you
I most often discover, choose, disclose
the selves I really am. I love my experience of you as
a life-ful, love-ful,
value-ful person.
Imperfect, changing, growing, becoming,
yet rooted, consistent—
a friend for all seasons.
You are “something else.”
Contents
Preface,
PART ONE
Introduction,
CHAPTER ONE
Skills for Bridging the Interpersonal Gap,
Communication: Humanity’s Supreme Achievement,
The Ineffectiveness of Most Communication,
The Ache of Loneliness,
So Much Lost Love,
A Key to Success at Work,
A Life-or-Death Matter,
You Can Change,
You Will Change!,
Managing Your Resistance to Learning,
Five Sets of Skills,
Summary,
CHAPTER TWO
Barriers to Communication,
Common Communication Spoilers,
Why Roadblocks Are High-Risk Responses,
Judging: the Major Roadblock,
Roadblock,
Sending Solutions Can Be a Problem!,
Avoiding the Other’s Concerns,
Roadblock Number Thirteen,
Summary,
PART TWO
Listening Skills,
CHAPTER THREE
Listening Is More Than Merely Hearing,
The Importance of Listening,
Listening Defined,
Listening Skill Clusters,
Attending Skills,
Following Skills,
Summary,
CHAPTER FOUR
Four Skills of Reflective Listening,
Reflective Responses Provide a Mirror to the Speaker.
Paraphrasing,
Reflecting Feelings,
Reflecting Meanings,
Summary,
CHAPTER FIVE
Why Reflective Responses Work,
Style and Structure in Listening,
Six Peculiarities of Human Communication,
Skepticism Is Best Dissolved by Action,
Summary,
CHAPTER SIX
Reading Body Language,
The Importance of Body Language,
Nonverbals: The Language of Feelings,
The “Leakage” of Masked Feelings,
Guidelines for Reading Body Language,
Reflect the Feelings Back to the Sender,
A Clear But Confusing Language,
Summary,
CHAPTER SEVEN
Improving Your Reflecting Skills,
Guidelines for Improved Listening,
Beyond Reflective Listening,
When to Listen Reflectively,
When Not to Listen Reflectively,
The Good News and the Bad News,
Summary,
PART THREE
Assertion Skills,
CHAPTER EIGHT
Three Approaches to Relationships,
Listening and Assertion: The Yin and Yang of Communication,
Methods for Developing Assertiveness,
The Need to Protect One’s Personal Space,
Impacting,
The Submission-Assertion-Aggression Continuum,
Payoffs and Penalties of Three Ways of Relating,
Choose for Yourself,
Summary,
CHAPTER NINE
Developing Three-Part Assertion Messages,
Verbal Assertion: The Third Option,
Three-Part Assertion Messages,
Effective and Ineffective Ways of Confrontation,
Writing Three-Part Assertion Messages,
A Voyage of Self-Discovery and Growth,
Summary,
CHAPTER TEN
Handling the Push-Push Back Phenomenon,
Surprise Attack,
The Human Tendency to Be Defensive,
The Upward Spiral of Increasing Defensiveness,
A Six-Step Assertion Process,
Summary,
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Increasing Your Assertive Options,
Many Varieties of Assertive Behavior,
“Natural” Assertions,
Self-Disclosure,
Descriptive Recognition,
Relationship Assertions,
Selective Inattention,
Withdrawal,
The Spectrum Response,
Options,
Natural and Logical Consequences,
Stop the Action; Accept the Feelings,
Say “No!,”
Modify the Environment,
The Danger of Going Overboard,
The Aura of Assertiveness,
Summary,
PART FOUR
Conflict Management Skills,
CHAPTER TWELVE
Conflict Prevention and Control,
Conflict Is Unavoidable,
Conflict is Disruptive and/or Destructive,
The Benefits of Conflict,
Realistic and Nonrealistic Conflict,
Personal Conflict Prevention and Control Methods,
Group/Organizational Prevention and Control Methods,
The Dangers of Conflict Prevention and Control,
Summary,
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict,
Focus on the Emotions First,
The Conflict Resolution Method,
The Conflict Resolution Method in Action,
Four Ways to Use the Conflict Resolution Method,
Preparation for the Encounter,
Evaluating the Conflict,
Expected Outcomes of the Conflict Resolution Method,
Summary,
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Collaborative Problem Solving: Seeking an Elegant Solution,
Three Kinds of Conflict,
Alternatives to Collaborative Problem Solving,
Seeking an Elegant Solution Through Collaborative Problem Solving,
Six Steps of the Collaborative Problem-Solving Method,
What This Problem-Solving Method Communicates,
Collaborative Problem-Solving in Action,
Handling the Crucial Preliminaries,
What Do I Do When Collaborative Problem Solving Doesn’t Work?,
Applications of Collaborative Problem Solving,
Summary,
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Three Essentials for Effective Communication,
In Communication, Skills Alone Are Insufficient,
Genuineness,
Nonpossessive Love,
Empathy,
Implementation of the Core Attitudes,
AFTERWORD
Four Steps to Improved Communication,
A Quantified Commitment to Use the Skills,
Select Appropriate Situations,
Undaunted by Occasional Failure,
Prepare Others for the Change,
Skill Training,
Notes,
Index,
Preface
“‘Tis the good reader that makes the book,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson. That
truth applies especially to this type of book. A reader who only wants to toy with
a few ideas will gain little from this volume. It is written for people with a strong
enough desire to improve their relationships that they will experiment with the
approaches to communication outlined in the following pages. It will do little
good merely to read this book. However, those who persistently and creatively
use these skills in their daily lives will notice significant changes in their
relationships.
Effective communication is not something that has come easily to me. I suppose
that if I had been especially capable in interpersonal communication from my
childhood on, I would never have studied it so tenaciously. It was because
communication was a problem for me that I researched it, tried out what I
learned, taught it, and wrote about it.
I feel better qualified to teach these skills precisely because they do not come
easily for me. I have struggled through many of the same impasses that block the
typical learner from developing more fruitful ways of relating. Perhaps because
of some of these initial deficits I can help you to overcome many of the pitfalls
to learning and using these skills.
The writing of this book has gone on amidst the absorbing and incessant
demands of managing a consulting firm. There are undoubtedly many
advantages to writing in an unhurried, undemanding schedule. The daily
pressure of an active business and teaching life, however, may be more of an
advantage than a disadvantage. The skills have been used and tested daily in the
hurly-burly of life as the book was written over a six-year period.
I write these pages with confidence that they will be of great benefit to the reader
who applies them. Several thousand copies of earlier editions have been read by
participants of our Communication Skills workshops. Literally hundreds who
have read early editions of this book have written to say that these approaches to
interpersonal relationships have worked for them and have greatly enriched their
lives. Many say the book not only changed their ideas about human interaction,
